Is it wrong not to go to a friends parents wake?

decides2dream

riffrandall wrote:

Seriously. Society has nothing to do with it.

A friend's parent dies, you go to the wake or funeral.
This is not the time to sigh and say you can't handle going or something lame like that.
Think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

personally, i would not have a problem at ALL with friends not coming to my parent's wake/funeral. when my father died sure some friends went to the wake, none to the funeral. funerals to me are more about family and VERY close friends, usually of the spouse and/or the deceased. a phone call, a card, a note, whatever...expressing comfort is PLENTY to me, for a friend to offer.

and i too think there is not 'right or wrong' in it. it's a choice. also, in regards to getting off work, i sam sure if i asked i could....but 'officially' our policy is for immediate family only, not friends. wakes are usually at night in any case, funerals daytime. thus why i think wakes are more open, and funerals more tight-knit. just imo. unless it is a VERY close friend, i usually don't go to wakes, and the only funerals i have ever attended was for family members.

riffrandall

xscorcho wrote:

i really don't like wakes or funerals.... i avoid them ...


you can send a card/plant or call though so they know you're thinking about them.

Who raises people who say stuff like this?
Sorry- if you're an hour's drive away, a card or a plant is NOT ok. No one 'likes' going to funerals or wakes, and it's not like you can plan for them.

Saying something like this is possibly the lamest thing I can think of. It's like not calling because you "don't know what to say."

Also lame.

xscorcho

riffrandall wrote:

Sorry- if you're an hour's drive away, a card or a plant is NOT ok. No one 'likes' going to funerals or wakes, and it's not like you can plan for them..

first, the person has to work... second, the OP probably isnt that close to the person who died or the friend since they havent spoken in a long time. if they can get off work and want to make the trip... by all means, go.... im not saying they shouldnt go.... but if they do not go, there are other ways they can show that they care.

xscorcho

pjhawks wrote:

it's not the same to the people who lost someone. trust me on that.

im sure it depends on the person. everyone deals differently. personally, i dont want to see anybody... it all ends up a blur when its over anyway.

riffrandall

xscorcho wrote:

im sure it depends on the person. everyone deals differently. personally, i dont want to see anybody... it all ends up a blur when its over anyway.

It doesn't "depend."
When you've lost someone close to you, there is no "blur" when it comes to who was there for you.

If the OP is close enough to the person to ask the question of whether they have to go, then the answer is obvious.
You know what friends you have where you have to get the day off work & show up.

xscorcho

riffrandall wrote:

It doesn't "depend."
When you've lost someone close to you, there is no "blur" when it comes to who was there for you.

when there are so many people coming through the line.. it does become a blur.. so PERSONALLY, i don't care if people come or dont come.

pjhawks

xscorcho wrote:

when there are so many people coming through the line.. it does become a blur.. so PERSONALLY, i don't care if people come or dont come.

it seems you are the exception here and there is nothing wrong with that. it does seem to most here though that it does matter. to me personally it really meant a lot to me for those that did show up. I personally find it very important to show your respects no matter how uncomfortable you might find it.

Cree Nations

its never wrong to go and pay your respects to someone you knew

Steve Dunne

send a card if you can't make it. nothing fancy, and no long notes...just 'with deepest sympathy' or something and your name. it still counts.

LikeAnOcean

Steve Dunne wrote:

send a card if you can't make it. nothing fancy, and no long notes...just 'with deepest sympathy' or something and your name. it still counts.

I can make it now. Thanks for the advice though.

pjhawks

Steve Dunne wrote:

send a card if you can't make it. nothing fancy, and no long notes...just 'with deepest sympathy' or something and your name. it still counts.

again as someone who has been in this situation a card or flowers is not the same as being there. it's just not. hard to put into words, but something about that person making an effort to be there means so much more than flowers or a note.

PJaddicted

Did the parent die suddenly? Honestly when my Dad died three years ago...suddenly...I was in total shock for weeks. I didn't notice who came, who called, etc. and I really didn't care....my heart was broken. So personally I don't think it is a problem not to go...just send a really nice card with a hand written personal message and maybe a small gift/plant. A phone call in a few weeks is also a good idea, people seem to think once the funeral is over so is the grief....that never ends, you NEED your friends down the road.

oxc

Steve Dunne

pjhawks wrote:

again as someone who has been in this situation a card or flowers is not the same as being there. it's just not. hard to put into words, but something about that person making an effort to be there means so much more than flowers or a note.

yea i know i've been there too. but if he can't make it, he can't make it. it blows.


looks like he can make is so all's well. (except for the whole funeral part!)

decides2dream

pjhawks wrote:

it seems you are the exception here and there is nothing wrong with that. it does seem to most here though that it does matter. to me personally it really meant a lot to me for those that did show up. I personally find it very important to show your respects no matter how uncomfortable you might find it.

actually, no. my post above states i feel the same way. i also see PJAddicted posting later saying much the same. i guess many of us are 'exceptions.' for YOU it meant a lot, for others....maybe different. i am not saying i didn't appreciate VERY close friends being there, but really, either way it would've been fine. i wanted to be with my family, my husband, and also be alone. we all grieve differently. so there is no 'right or wrong' really here. i ALWAYS show my respects, whether in person, a card, or a note.

when i go, i don't even want a wake to be held. go out, drink, eat...and remember the good times. don't go in a stuffy, depressing funeral home for it. go to my fave restaurant or wherever. my husband knows this. we also hold very similar views to the whole situation. VERY close friends/family, we show up for wakes. close family, the funeral as well. if i wasn't truly close to you and/or the deceased.....a card, a note, flowers......that's my respect.

PJaddicted wrote:

Did the parent die suddenly? Honestly when my Dad died three years ago...suddenly...I was in total shock for weeks. I didn't notice who came, who called, etc. and I really didn't care....my heart was broken. So personally I don't think it is a problem not to go...just send a really nice card with a hand written personal message and maybe a small gift/plant. A phone call in a few weeks is also a good idea, people seem to think once the funeral is over so is the grief....that never ends, you NEED your friends down the road.

oxc

exactly.
and my father was ill, knew it was a matter of time, but it STILL was a shock. i honestly could not tell you what friends came to his wake, the funeral, whatever. what i DO remember is down the road...friends and family being there for me, remembering, etc.

PJaddicted

decides2dream wrote:

exactly.
and my father was ill, knew it was a matter of time, but it STILL was a shock. i honestly could not tell you what friends came to his wake, the funeral, whatever. what i DO remember is down the road...friends and family being there for me, remembering, etc.

Yes....it is those who where there for me well after his death that I cherish and remember the most. You never get over the loss of a close loved one, but learn to live with it and celebrate their life....and celebrations are so much sweeter when shared with good friends. On my Dads special days we always go out to eat and enjoy his favorite foods, I now ask friends to join us.

oxc

decides2dream

PJaddicted wrote:

Yes....it is those who where there for me well after his death that I cherish and remember the most. You never get over the loss of a close loved one, but learn to live with it and celebrate their life....and celebrations are so much sweeter when shared with good friends. On my Dads special days we always go out to eat and enjoy his favorite foods, I now ask friends to join us.

oxc

absolutely.

i do not do many things out of a sense of 'obligation' although sure, sometimes i do. for most things i do so b/c i want to, for whatever reason. sure, not all things are 'fun' or 'enjoyable'...yet i still want to do so b/c i feel it's important to me, to my relationships, whatever. i think that really is key. i don't want to do something simply b/c it's the 'right' thing to do, to garner brownie points, etc.....i do so out of a sense of wanting to be there for someone and so on. if i am not very close to you, well then, i won't feel such a need. so it relly is so dependent on the nature and closeness of a relationship.