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Is it wrong not to go to a friends parents wake?

LikeAnOceanLikeAnOcean Posts: 7,718
edited August 2008 in All Encompassing Trip
I just found out about the death from a friend of that friend. The wake is Friday and it may be impossible for me to get off work and over an hour away.. As far as how close I was with them, I knew the parent. The friend is actually a high school/college buddy whom I haven't spoken to in over a year. The daughter cuts my hair every few months..

It really sucks because the father passed away about 4 years ago. I went to that wake.

I'm going to try to make it, but should I feel guilt if I don't?
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  • PatrickBatemanPatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    I missed one of my childhood friends' fathers wake/funeral and regret not making a better effort
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • in_hiding79in_hiding79 Posts: 4,315
    LikeAnOcean wrote:
    I just found out about the death from a friend of that friend. The wake is Friday and it may be impossible for me to get off work and over an hour away.. As far as how close I was with them, I knew the parent. The friend is actually a high school/college buddy whom I haven't spoken to in over a year. The daughter cuts my hair every few months..

    It really sucks because the father passed away about 4 years ago. I went to that wake.

    I'm going to try to make it, but should I feel guilt if I don't?


    well you have a reason, you could always send a plant or something telling them that you're thinking of him! :o
    And so the lion fell in love with the lamb...,"
    "What a stupid lamb."
    "What a sick, masochistic lion."
  • LikeAnOceanLikeAnOcean Posts: 7,718
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    I missed one of my childhood friends' fathers wake/funeral and regret not making a better effort
    See, yeah.. definitely gonna have to talk to my boss tomorrow..
  • PatrickBatemanPatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    If you absolutely cannot make it without any excuses, then at the very least, phone them and or send a card.



    but, man, I feel like such a dick
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • chadwickchadwick up my ass Posts: 21,157
    like the person above me has stated
    they missed one and felt a bit of regret

    i to have missed one of my buddy's dad's funeral
    i really have no excuse

    and nowadays it does bother me that i missed it
    because i wasn't there to support my friend in his time of need

    good luck with whatever you choose to do
    for poetry through the ceiling. ISBN: 1 4241 8840 7

    "Hear me, my chiefs!
    I am tired; my heart is
    sick and sad. From where
    the sun stands I will fight
    no more forever."
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  • normnorm Posts: 31,146
    sorry to hear about your friend

    several years ago a friend of mine from high school killed herself....i hadn't seen her or talked to her much since graduation but we were really close in hs....i was out of town for her memorial/wake.....i could have gone but i chose to stay (long story)....anyway, i don't regret not going, but i wished i had....

    i'm not saying whether you should go...just relaying a similar story
  • PatrickBatemanPatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    not to make it worse, but when my father passes, I will remember those who "couldn't make it"
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • stonedponeystonedponey Posts: 47
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    not to make it worse, but when my father passes, I will remember those who "couldn't make it"


    will you be judging them for their absence?


    you should never feel obliged because society dictates so called etiquette. if for whatever reason you can not make then thats the way it is. but if you do want to go, then you should go.
    personally im hoping not to be at my own funeral.
  • LikeAnOceanLikeAnOcean Posts: 7,718
    I'm definitely going now. Talked to the boss.. The mom was cool as hell. We always chatted when I visited. Her sense of humor was awesome and she even watched movies with us when we were chilling.. it sucks it had to end like this. My friend had the coolest parents ever. All dead of cancer within the past few years. Only in their 50s.

    I waved goodbye to her only 6 weeks ago as I got my last haircut by her daughter at their place.. something told me that would be the last time I would see her. :(

    There's enough assholes in the world. Cool people don't deserve to die like that.. She was a smoker.. Please kids, do not smoke!
  • NY PJ1NY PJ1 Posts: 9,533
    LikeAnOcean wrote:
    I just found out about the death from a friend of that friend. The wake is Friday and it may be impossible for me to get off work and over an hour away.. As far as how close I was with them, I knew the parent. The friend is actually a high school/college buddy whom I haven't spoken to in over a year. The daughter cuts my hair every few months..

    It really sucks because the father passed away about 4 years ago. I went to that wake.

    I'm going to try to make it, but should I feel guilt if I don't?


    U SHOULD GO ,,but if u cant get off work... so be it
    however if u can get off u should go
  • riffrandallriffrandall Posts: 685
    Yes, it's wrong not to go.
    You have to be there & if you don't go you'll regret it.
    I've never heard of a boss not giving time off for a funeral. Ever.
    "If you're looking for someone to pull you out of that ditch, you're out of luck."
  • Yellow LedbellyYellow Ledbelly Posts: 3,749
    riffrandall wrote:
    I've never heard of a boss not giving time off for a funeral. Ever.
    I never had either, but a friend of mine was needing to take off for a funeral a few months back and was told she could not. Bullshit
    All I have to do is revel in the everyday....then do it again tomorrow

    They say every sin is deadly but I believe they may be wrong...I'm guilty of all seven and I don't feel too bad at all
  • PatrickBatemanPatrickBateman Posts: 2,243
    stonedponey wrote:
    will you be judging them for their absence?


    you should never feel obliged because society dictates so called etiquette. if for whatever reason you can not make then thats the way it is. but if you do want to go, then you should go.
    personally im hoping not to be at my own funeral.

    Judging them?...no.

    and "Society" has nothing to do with it
    If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • pjwhipjwhi Posts: 31
    My college roommate, who lives in Connecticut showed up at my grandfathers wake, and it meant the world to me.... He just drove up without telling me that he was coming, and I will forever remember that.
  • riffrandallriffrandall Posts: 685
    PatrickBateman wrote:
    Judging them?...no.

    and "Society" has nothing to do with it

    Seriously. Society has nothing to do with it.

    A friend's parent dies, you go to the wake or funeral.
    This is not the time to sigh and say you can't handle going or something lame like that.
    Think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed.
    "If you're looking for someone to pull you out of that ditch, you're out of luck."
  • pjhawkspjhawks Posts: 12,596
    absolutely 100% do everything you can to get there. I have lost both parents and it has meant the world to me for those that showed up to their wake/funeral. I didn't hold it against people who didn't show up but those that did I will always remember their effort to show how much they cared. It's hard to put into the words what it feels like, just know that the family will forever remember you being there. And if you are lucky the favor of being there for them will be returned to you when it is your turn to go through a lost of someone close to you. You will never regret going, but you most likely will regret not going.
  • CityMouseCityMouse Posts: 1,010
    LikeAnOcean wrote:
    See, yeah.. definitely gonna have to talk to my boss tomorrow..

    wakes and funerals are generally accepted by bosses as something people have to miss work for, often at the last minute.
  • xscorchoxscorcho Posts: 409
    i really don't like wakes or funerals.... i avoid them ...


    you can send a card/plant or call though so they know you're thinking about them.
  • CityMouseCityMouse Posts: 1,010
    xscorcho wrote:
    i really don't like wakes or funerals....

    um, you and every other human being on the planet. they're not supposed to be fun you know. one of life's obligations. you suck it up and go.
  • pjhawkspjhawks Posts: 12,596
    xscorcho wrote:
    i really don't like wakes or funerals.... i avoid them ...


    you can send a card/plant or call though so they know you're thinking about them.

    it's not the same to the people who lost someone. trust me on that. suck it up and go even though you dislike them - it truly means the world to someone when you show up.
  • decides2dreamdecides2dream Posts: 14,977
    riffrandall wrote:
    Seriously. Society has nothing to do with it.

    A friend's parent dies, you go to the wake or funeral.
    This is not the time to sigh and say you can't handle going or something lame like that.
    Think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed.



    personally, i would not have a problem at ALL with friends not coming to my parent's wake/funeral. when my father died sure some friends went to the wake, none to the funeral. funerals to me are more about family and VERY close friends, usually of the spouse and/or the deceased. a phone call, a card, a note, whatever...expressing comfort is PLENTY to me, for a friend to offer.

    and i too think there is not 'right or wrong' in it. it's a choice. also, in regards to getting off work, i sam sure if i asked i could....but 'officially' our policy is for immediate family only, not friends. wakes are usually at night in any case, funerals daytime. thus why i think wakes are more open, and funerals more tight-knit. just imo. unless it is a VERY close friend, i usually don't go to wakes, and the only funerals i have ever attended was for family members.
    Stay with me...
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  • riffrandallriffrandall Posts: 685
    xscorcho wrote:
    i really don't like wakes or funerals.... i avoid them ...


    you can send a card/plant or call though so they know you're thinking about them.


    Who raises people who say stuff like this?
    Sorry- if you're an hour's drive away, a card or a plant is NOT ok. No one 'likes' going to funerals or wakes, and it's not like you can plan for them.

    Saying something like this is possibly the lamest thing I can think of. It's like not calling because you "don't know what to say."

    Also lame.
    "If you're looking for someone to pull you out of that ditch, you're out of luck."
  • xscorchoxscorcho Posts: 409
    riffrandall wrote:
    Sorry- if you're an hour's drive away, a card or a plant is NOT ok. No one 'likes' going to funerals or wakes, and it's not like you can plan for them..
    first, the person has to work... second, the OP probably isnt that close to the person who died or the friend since they havent spoken in a long time. if they can get off work and want to make the trip... by all means, go.... im not saying they shouldnt go.... but if they do not go, there are other ways they can show that they care.
  • xscorchoxscorcho Posts: 409
    pjhawks wrote:
    it's not the same to the people who lost someone. trust me on that.

    im sure it depends on the person. everyone deals differently. personally, i dont want to see anybody... it all ends up a blur when its over anyway.
  • riffrandallriffrandall Posts: 685
    xscorcho wrote:
    im sure it depends on the person. everyone deals differently. personally, i dont want to see anybody... it all ends up a blur when its over anyway.

    It doesn't "depend."
    When you've lost someone close to you, there is no "blur" when it comes to who was there for you.

    If the OP is close enough to the person to ask the question of whether they have to go, then the answer is obvious.
    You know what friends you have where you have to get the day off work & show up.
    "If you're looking for someone to pull you out of that ditch, you're out of luck."
  • xscorchoxscorcho Posts: 409
    riffrandall wrote:
    It doesn't "depend."
    When you've lost someone close to you, there is no "blur" when it comes to who was there for you.
    when there are so many people coming through the line.. it does become a blur.. so PERSONALLY, i don't care if people come or dont come.
  • pjhawkspjhawks Posts: 12,596
    xscorcho wrote:
    when there are so many people coming through the line.. it does become a blur.. so PERSONALLY, i don't care if people come or dont come.

    it seems you are the exception here and there is nothing wrong with that. it does seem to most here though that it does matter. to me personally it really meant a lot to me for those that did show up. I personally find it very important to show your respects no matter how uncomfortable you might find it.
  • Cree NationsCree Nations Posts: 2,247
    its never wrong to go and pay your respects to someone you knew
    >>>>
    >
    ...a lover and a fighter.
    "I'm at least half a bum" Rocky Balboa

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  • Steve DunneSteve Dunne Posts: 4,965
    send a card if you can't make it. nothing fancy, and no long notes...just 'with deepest sympathy' or something and your name. it still counts.
    I love to turn you on
  • LikeAnOceanLikeAnOcean Posts: 7,718
    Steve Dunne wrote:
    send a card if you can't make it. nothing fancy, and no long notes...just 'with deepest sympathy' or something and your name. it still counts.
    I can make it now. Thanks for the advice though.
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