New Rules, revisited...

sweetpotato

I know we used to have a thread of these, but I think it's time for a revival.

A few recent favorites:

New Rule: Don't get rid of the penny. Rename it the dollar. Cheer up, America. You're not penniless; you're dollar-more! You can kill two birds with one stone, and then eat those birds over a trash fire in your shanty-town under the overpass.


New Rule: Politicians must stop saying, "The American people are smarter than that." No, they aren't. If the Bush era has taught us anything, it's that voters want a president carved from their own image. [photo of Bush making funny face] Someone who doesn't like to read will believe anything he's told, and is easily distracted by bright, shiny objects.

Now, this week, Hillary Clinton got back in the race by fighting back, which is political talk for saying stuff about an opponent that works. When the phone rings at three a.m., Hillary is the experienced military genius I automatically want answering the phone because... why? The only three a.m. emergency call she's ever dealt with was her husband begging her to come down to the police station with five hundred dollars and a pair of pants.

How is it that in the information age, it's almost impossible to get actual information to the public? That Barack Obama is a Christian, not a Muslim, is not an opinion or a controversy. It's an easily verifiable fact. But, in the darkness of ignorance there are no facts anymore. Evolution is just a theory. Global warming needs more study. Saddam might have been behind 9/11. And the surge is working.

What can't you convince people of just by saying it? "John McCain is a cyborg." "He's a cyborg made from the spare parts of Freddie Mercury and the stem cells of aborted fetuses." There, I said it. It's true. And you know it's true, because when I wrote it on the Internet, I didn't add "LOL."

You know, it used to be kind of forgivable to not know anything. Maybe you went to high school in America. Or you watch a lot of reality TV, or you're a Baptist.

But, now there's the Internet and Google. Information is everywhere. You know that computer thing that the Nigerians keep using to get your pin number? You can also use it to find out stuff. If you think Obama is a Muslim, or John McCain has an illegitimate black baby, or Obama is that baby? That's not an opinion. You're just stubbornly uninformed.

So, let me spell a few things out for you. Is Obama a Muslim. NO HE ISN'T. Was Saddam behind September 11? NO HE WASN'T.

And while we're at it, NEITHER WAS BUSH. How do we know Bush wasn't behind September 11? Because it worked. And, it involved PLANNING.

my2hands

sweetpotato wrote:

So, let me spell a few things out for you. Is Obama a Muslim. NO HE ISN'T. Was Saddam behind September 11? NO HE WASN'T.

And while we're at it, NEITHER WAS BUSH. How do we know Bush wasn't behind September 11? Because it worked. And, it involved PLANNING.

now that is funny

Abookamongstthemany

If you guys don't think this cycle of perpetual war was what Bush and Co planned on happening then I guess we'll just have to disagree. If anything, it has made his cronies richer by the day.

LikeAnOpeningBandForTheSun

i'm almost always blaming on human stupidity what a lot of people here blame on convoluted conspiracy.

Abookamongstthemany

MrSmith wrote:

i'm almost always blaming on human stupidity what a lot of people here blame on convoluted conspiracy.

So you think Bush and Co getting us into a war that is lining the pockets of their buddies in the defense contractor industry or other war-profitteering sectors was a stupid decision for them to make? If it was so stupid to them, they would have stopped it long ago. They are making money off the war, the dems are making money off the war...don't fool yourself to think otherwise. They are all too happy to continue on with this 'dumb' war.

Nevermind

sweetpotato wrote:

And while we're at it, NEITHER WAS BUSH. How do we know Bush wasn't behind September 11? Because it worked. And, it involved PLANNING.

Ok Bill Maher. Bush may not be smart enough to pull it off. Dick Cheney's pretty smart though.

sweetpotato

Oh, yeah, that's an OLD rule. Guess y'all forgot. :rolleyes:


Apparently, the board rules have been rewritten by a select few to include the following addendum:

"If at any time you see a potentially fun or friendly thread, feel free to hijack it for your own personal soapbox purposes and commence to sprinkle your Debbie Downer pixie dust all over it until no one, especially the thread starter, gives a shit anymore."

Excellent.

Seriously, aren't there enough fucking threads about how screwed up the two-party system is, how dems are actually the anti-christs and the only salvation for us is a three party system? Sweet Jesus, give it a break, folks.


New Rule: Let's try and have some fun sometimes, even if it kills us.

sweetpotato

New Rule: There are worse things on airplanes than terrorists. [slide of woman blow-drying her hair on plane] Virgin Airlines is promoting the power outlets on their planes with this ad of a woman blow-drying her hair at 30,000 feet. After washing it in what? The blue liquid in the toilet?

Air travel is bad enough without turning it into a flying locker room. "Let's see, 20 minutes before I land; I've got just enough time to shave my balls." [guest Jason Alexander continues to laugh] You've done that.

MAHER: Let's all picture Jason Alexander shaving his balls on a plane, shall we?

ALEXANDER: I can't even see my balls, what are you talking about?

sweetpotato

New Rule: Airport security doesn't need to be more laid back. The TSA's latest plan is cool blue lighting as you go through security, with mood music. And as the screener pats you down, he sucks on your earlobe--until you relax and let your thighs fall open. You know, thanks for the mudpack and the cucumber slices, TSA, but I'd prefer if you just do your job faster. The line is so slow that by the time I got my shoes back on, they were out of style.

sweetpotato

New Rule: Never play a sport in public that you suck at. To connect with Pennsylvania's blue-collar voters, Barack Obama went bowling and scored a 37. And the right-wing had a field day. Joe Scarborough said he bowls like a four-year-old. And Ann Coulter offered to loan him one of her balls. But, you know who's a good bowler? George Bush. His specialty is pre-emptive strikes.

sweetpotato

New Rule: I don't give two fingleberries and a McShit-all that Dumbledore is gay. I never wanted to know who Dumbledore was in the first place. Let alone his sexuality. What concerns me is adults who read 800-page books about magic schoolboys--and then try to talk to me about it. If I had the slightest interest in homosexuals with powers, I'd be a Republican.


New Rule: If you don't wear a costume, you don't get candy. Don't even think of knocking on my door unless you're dressed to impress. And don't bullshit me that you're dressed as the Incredible Hulk. You're just a fat kid in a flannel shirt. Candy is for closers.


New Rule: Walk your toddler all the way to the door. I know, from your angle, it's adorable. But, from my angle, it's plain to see that little Madison is terrified. It's like "Dead Mermaid Walking." And what are you so happy about when she gets back? I just blew pot smoke in her face and took a Milky Way out of her bag.

my2hands

sweetpotato wrote:

Oh, yeah, that's an OLD rule. Guess y'all forgot. :rolleyes:


Apparently, the board rules have been rewritten by a select few to include the following addendum:

"If at any time you see a potentially fun or friendly thread, feel free to hijack it for your own personal soapbox purposes and commence to sprinkle your Debbie Downer pixie dust all over it until no one, especially the thread starter, gives a shit anymore."

Excellent.

Seriously, aren't there enough fucking threads about how screwed up the two-party system is, how dems are actually the anti-christs and the only salvation for us is a three party system? Sweet Jesus, give it a break, folks.


New Rule: Let's try and have some fun sometimes, even if it kills us.

Abookamongstthemany

sweetpotato wrote:

New Rule: I don't give two fingleberries and a McShit-all that Dumbledore is gay. I never wanted to know who Dumbledore was in the first place. Let alone his sexuality. What concerns me is adults who read 800-page books about magic schoolboys--and then try to talk to me about it. If I had the slightest interest in homosexuals with powers, I'd be a Republican.


New Rule: If you don't wear a costume, you don't get candy. Don't even think of knocking on my door unless you're dressed to impress. And don't bullshit me that you're dressed as the Incredible Hulk. You're just a fat kid in a flannel shirt. Candy is for closers.


New Rule: Walk your toddler all the way to the door. I know, from your angle, it's adorable. But, from my angle, it's plain to see that little Madison is terrified. It's like "Dead Mermaid Walking." And what are you so happy about when she gets back? I just blew pot smoke in her face and took a Milky Way out of her bag.

I guess the fun making no sense is the 'new rule'.

Sorry to have questioned the great Bill Maher's flawed logic there, sweet potato.

From now on I'll just check in with you to see what's okay to post or not....will that be good enough for you?

tybird

Abookamongstthemany wrote:

If you guys don't think this cycle of perpetual war was what Bush and Co planned on happening then I guess we'll just have to disagree. If anything, it has made his cronies richer by the day.

Nothing drives the economy like war, baby!!!! supposedly....:o

Abookamongstthemany

tybird wrote:

Nothing drives the economy like war, baby!!!! supposedly....:o

They cut us out big time this go round.

tybird

Abookamongstthemany wrote:

They cut us out big time this go round.

While, I thought about this a second.....it's not actually a war anymore...it's an occupation. I believe that we went into a recession at the tail end of the Japanese occupation too. So that's the problem.....it's not a war, it's an occupation.

P.S. If you run across it, read the "ear-mark" article in the current Rolling Stone...interesting stuff.

Abookamongstthemany

tybird wrote:

While, I thought about this a second.....it's not actually a war anymore...it's an occupation. I believe that we went into a recession at the tail end of the Japanese occupation too. So that's the problem.....it's not a war, it's an occupation.

P.S. If you run across it, read the "ear-mark" article in the current Rolling Stone...interesting stuff.

Occupation/War....it all involves invading forces, hostile natives, killing, destruction, senseless death, chaos and those who profit by prolonging it.


I'll check it out if I find it.

Number 18

Abookamongstthemany wrote:

If you guys don't think this cycle of perpetual war was what Bush and Co planned on happening then I guess we'll just have to disagree. If anything, it has made his cronies richer by the day.

Not just his cronies. I used to work for his cronies' competitor and even they were getting richer by the day.

tybird

Abookamongstthemany wrote:

Occupation/War....it all involves invading forces, hostile natives, killing, destruction, senseless death, chaos and those who profit by prolonging it.


I'll check it out if I find it.

Different factors when it comes to the homefront and economic activity....really.

Abookamongstthemany

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtx_cShPBh8

sweetpotato

Abookamongstthemany wrote:

I guess the fun making no sense is the 'new rule'.

Sorry to have questioned the great Bill Maher's flawed logic there, sweet potato.

From now on I'll just check in with you to see what's okay to post or not....will that be good enough for you?

it's just meant to be a HUMOROUS THREAD, abook, so if you don't find it funny, THEN WHY ARE YOU POSTING HERE??? this is what i don't get when people do this. there are hundreds of threads where you can make your point, why follow me around and try to fuck up mine? didn't you ask me to leave you alone? why don't you do the same? that way, we can agree to disagree, 'kay? :rolleyes: take care.

sweetpotato

PS... preceding the New Rule that got you guys all fired up over the war... there was also a New Rule about the penny. doesn't anyone want to get into a heated political debate about eliminating the penny??

New Rule: Fun threads are intended FOR HAVING FUN. If you aren't, in fact, having said fun, you're in the wrong thread.

sweetpotato

New Rule: Stop pretending that air fresheners actually freshen the air. Americans are a paradox. We're the nation most obsessed with smelling pleasant, while at the same time, we eat crap that makes our bodies emit clouds of toxic gas. Here's a hint. When you fart and your canary dies, you have a problem that's beyond the capabilities of the Airwick Corporation.

sweetpotato

New Rule: Stop telling me that vinyl records sound warmer than CDs. I was alive in the '70s, you dip-shit hipsters. I know what vinyl sounds like. Scratchy. And when your friend throws you the bong and it hits the tone arm, your Foghat record is ruined, man! Plus, when you've got a chick over and you're getting your groove on, every 20 minutes, you've got get up out of the beanbag chair and flip over the Ray Stevens album.

Abookamongstthemany

sweetpotato wrote:

it's just meant to be a HUMOROUS THREAD, abook, so if you don't find it funny, THEN WHY ARE YOU POSTING HERE??? this is what i don't get when people do this. there are hundreds of threads where you can make your point, why follow me around and try to fuck up mine? didn't you ask me to leave you alone? why don't you do the same? that way, we can agree to disagree, 'kay? :rolleyes: take care.

I'll post anywhere I please, thank you very much.

The logic in the 'new rule' was flawed in my opinion, so I pointed it out. End of story. If you don't wanna read my posts then put me on ignore....I couldn't possibly care less.

know1

sweetpotato wrote:

New Rule: Politicians must stop saying, "The American people are smarter than that." No, they aren't. If the Bush era has taught us anything, it's that voters want a president carved from their own image. [photo of Bush making funny face] Someone who doesn't like to read will believe anything he's told, and is easily distracted by bright, shiny objects.

Are you a voter? Are you smarter than that? Does the above statement make any sense at all?

catefrances

know1 wrote:

Are you a voter? Are you smarter than that? Does the above statement make any sense at all?

makes sense to me. and i'm stone cold sober. i even laughed(and that's not like me at all). but then again, i'm not american.

NOCODE#1

Abookamongstthemany wrote:

I guess the fun making no sense is the 'new rule'.

its comedy, sorry if you can't comprehend that

NOCODE#1

Abookamongstthemany wrote:

I'll post anywhere I please, thank you very much.

much like a dog shitting in a park, same quality content

my2hands

sweetpotato wrote:

New Rule: Stop telling me that vinyl records sound warmer than CDs. I was alive in the '70s, you dip-shit hipsters. I know what vinyl sounds like. Scratchy. And when your friend throws you the bong and it hits the tone arm, your Foghat record is ruined, man! Plus, when you've got a chick over and you're getting your groove on, every 20 minutes, you've got get up out of the beanbag chair and flip over the Ray Stevens album.

i remember that one... maybe that was last season when i still had hbo?

know1

catefrances wrote:

makes sense to me. and i'm stone cold sober. i even laughed(and that's not like me at all). but then again, i'm not american.

No - I mean the OP says that voters want a president carved from their own image - someone who doesn't read, believes everything they're told, etc.

So I'm asking if that person is a voter and if so, do they read, believe everything they're told, etc.

(Hint: I'm making a comment about generalizations)