twisted emotions.....

twin2

pacifier, I really do understand what you are going through. I didn't realize I was the jealous type until I got with my now husband. We have been together 13 years. It's a hard thing to get past but you can do it. I was very insecure and he was my first and I just felt like I needed to hold on tight or he would get away (the only issues with weight I had were being called "too skinny"-and that can hurt alot too). Our personality differences were part of the problem in a way. He is very flirty but I am usually quiet and shy. It would get to me at times. I have learned to settle down about it and realize that he is an extrovert and I am an introvert and we will always be this way. I always took it personally when it was never meant that way. He has been very understanding about it and we have worked on it together. It is very important that you feel good about you regardless. If you don't like something about yourself-work on changing it because it makes you feel better. He should love you for who you really are.

pacifier

PastaNazi wrote:

jealousy, while sometimes flattering to the person you hold so tight to... is really a lack of trust in them and/or yourself. don't discount those feelings. don't call yourself "naive", writing off your gut emotions just to get some guy to stay with you. if he's looking at other chicks in the room, and you don't have the balls to say, "ooh, she's a hottie, isn't she?.... i'm sorry... but i'll be going now" or just totally blow it off, thinking she ain't got nothing on you... then there's something wrong... and you're ignoring it for the sake of being in love.
(and you're going to get really fucking hurt later) You're already setting yourself up for failure, imo. Stop apologizing for being new to love. He's lucky to be your first and he should respect that. Perhaps you should consider downgrading that emotion to "a healthy liking" of this guy until you can see him for what he is. Do his eyes wander out of habit, or is he still looking for his "dreamgirl"? If it's habit and it makes you nuts, he should be able to stop it because he doesn't want to lose YOU. If he's still looking, then let him go and look. Now. That'll free you up to find someone who only has eyes for you.

He does only have eyes for me, he's probably the best guy I know. I think the problem is that I know too many people that have cheated on their partner and so I'm overly scared of what he is going to do, not based on what he does but on what other people have done. It is completely irrational. I think in all honesty we will probably live out the rest of our lives together being completely faithful to each other. It really is irrational. and I really am getting over it. I never want to lose him and if I stay my regular rational self I probably never will, but if I go on fearing that I am going to lose him at any minute and acting so insecure, I probably will lose him, I'll probably end up pushing him away. But thanks for your concern.

pacifier

ISN wrote:

I re-read this thread, and was thinking about it, and it suddenly occurred to me that the quality you most demonstrate in every post of yours I've read so far pacifier, is your sensitivity......in the posts about your long-distance relationship, and your openness on the subject in this thread......and it made me realise, that's probably the reason your fiancé fell in love with you.......some people are born sensitive, but some people become sensitive by having their emotions and personality trampled on, it enables them to understand other people better......and themselves too......I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe you should make a list of these great qualities like sensitivity, compassion etc that you have, and really understand that whatever anyone has done or said to you in the past, can't affect these facets of yourself and try to be more secure in your relationship......give the guy a break - he came all the way over from South Africa to be with you......he obviously adores you......so don't let doubt creep in......be strict with yourself......:)

You are completely right. Not only did he move countries but he is doing a job he hates just to be here with me. It's stupid of me to ever think this way. and it's not constant, I don't do it al the time, but the fact is I shouldn't do it at all. He is a little insecure too, gets jealous sometimes, but only a little bit. I'm glad that he does though, because it makes me realise that when I do it for ecxactly the same reason I am being irrational. and have nothing to worry about, just like he has nothing to worry abuot with me. We will be fine. honestly think i found the best guy on Earth for me - BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! he he

pacifier

twin2 wrote:

pacifier, I really do understand what you are going through. I didn't realize I was the jealous type until I got with my now husband. We have been together 13 years. It's a hard thing to get past but you can do it. I was very insecure and he was my first and I just felt like I needed to hold on tight or he would get away (the only issues with weight I had were being called "too skinny"-and that can hurt alot too). Our personality differences were part of the problem in a way. He is very flirty but I am usually quiet and shy. It would get to me at times. I have learned to settle down about it and realize that he is an extrovert and I am an introvert and we will always be this way. I always took it personally when it was never meant that way. He has been very understanding about it and we have worked on it together. It is very important that you feel good about you regardless. If you don't like something about yourself-work on changing it because it makes you feel better. He should love you for who you really are.

It's weird you know because that sounds like my mum and dad. I grew up around guys that where very flirty with eveyone and it was just a bit of fun for them, they still very much loved their girlfriends. and girls too, my best friend is very flirty, but also faithful. And I could never imagine anyone being jealous by this behaviour, but I'm jealous and my boyfriend doesn't even act anywhere near as flirty as they do, if at all. I think though, that I have major trust issues, and it is just hard trying to trust my whole love to someone, even though I honestly do trust him completely. The jealousy is fading, quicker and quicker, and I think that in no time it will be back down to a healthy virtually non-existant level.