One-Nil

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  • grooveamatic
    grooveamatic Posts: 1,374
    FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:
    Joan Ryan saw her bruised eye shine out
    at her, from grey potato water. Frank
    would not be back in time for dinner. Gout
    could never keep him in. No, more, he drank.
    The clock's reflection: ripples in the mad
    sink dirt. Face of years, a bowl of stink
    and grey and promises, hot breath and sad
    honey words when fists are thrown in drink
    and sorries follow. Joan's potato knife
    peels to bareness nothingness, a life.

    I think the punctuation is key to this poem's greatness...
    .........................................................................
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    Bumping an old pile of poo I wrote a while back. I might do something with it. Any more thoughts on it? Be as hard on it as you like.
  • dyaogirl
    dyaogirl Posts: 138
    Something I’ve noticed about dear old friends is life’s weathered etchings seem to make them that much more deep, rich and so very very dear.
    '..... Ah! A perfect illustration of the poststructuralist paradox. Does the signifier "Merlot" correspond with the 'truth' of the bottle I polished off last night, or do we hold in our thoughts a different "signified" of bottle-of-Merlot-ness? Perhaps we're dreaming of the same bottle!" -FinsburyParkCarrots

  • olderman
    olderman Posts: 1,765
    FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:
    Bumping an old pile of poo I wrote a while back. I might do something with it. Any more thoughts on it? Be as hard on it as you like.

    a pile of poo.. HA!

    my writing skills are technical. you're way out of my league, my friend. i will do nothing more than enjoy your work. after all, this forum is free. :)

    **kisses ass**

    :D

    honest to god, trooth!
    Down the street you can hear her scream youre a disgrace
    As she slams the door in his drunken face
    And now he stands outside
    And all the neighbours start to gossip and drool
    He cries oh, girl you must be mad,
    What happened to the sweet love you and me had?
    Against the door he leans and starts a scene,
    And his tears fall and burn the garden green
  • Being Enlightened
    Being Enlightened Posts: 5,746
    FinsburyParkCarrots wrote:
    Bumping an old pile of poo I wrote a while back. I might do something with it. Any more thoughts on it? Be as hard on it as you like.

    What? Poo? Poo? :( Nah, more like truffles :) - just need to be sniffed out and gently uncovered, then you're left with a rare and much sought after prize. :)

    I liked "Winter Journal". I like poetry that takes you down and then, shows you that the simplest of pleasures can brighten your day, if you allow it. :) Maybe work some more magic on that one (not that I see anything wrong with it--you're hard on yourself, but that's probably why you're so damned good!)



    Hee Hee! olderman....Fins is talking poo and then you say **kisses ass**!!!!! :p:p:p:D LOL! EEEEWWWEEEEEE!!!! :D Talk about brown nosing it! ;)
    Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen
  • olderman
    olderman Posts: 1,765
    Being Enlightened wrote:
    What? Poo? Poo? :( Nah, more like truffles :) - just need to be sniffed out and gently uncovered, then you're left with a rare and much sought after prize. :)

    I liked "Winter Journal". I like poetry that takes you down and then, shows you that the simplest of pleasures can brighten your day, if you allow it. :) Maybe work some more magic on that one (not that I see anything wrong with it--you're hard on yourself, but that's probably why you're so damned good!)



    Hee Hee! olderman....Fins is talking poo and then you say **kisses ass**!!!!! :p:p:p:D LOL! EEEEWWWEEEEEE!!!! :D Talk about brown nosing it! ;)

    HA!! hilarious BE!!

    **olderman searches for the edit button and then remembers that it was taken away due to abuse.. olderman then celebrates memory**
    Down the street you can hear her scream youre a disgrace
    As she slams the door in his drunken face
    And now he stands outside
    And all the neighbours start to gossip and drool
    He cries oh, girl you must be mad,
    What happened to the sweet love you and me had?
    Against the door he leans and starts a scene,
    And his tears fall and burn the garden green
  • eMMI
    eMMI Posts: 6,262
    oh I like Winter Journal too. :) (thanks to BE for telling me to read it. :) )

    and you are being too hard on yourself, face it, you're good. :) (but I know, usually the toughest critic is the artist him/herself.)
    "Don't be faint-hearted, I have a solution! We shall go and commandeer some small craft, then drift at leisure until we happen upon another ideal place for our waterside supper with riparian entertainments."
  • burtschips
    burtschips Posts: 734
    I've read this thread quite a lot now since you brought it back up. Your writing reacts with me quite differently depending on what kind of a mood i'm in when i read it. It's strange but sometimes I don't appreciate the characters and the situation even if I do appreciate the content, but at the moment I feel it is great stuff. Especially the short ones, I guess the bar man or drinker sticks in my mind the most. Of course I like that you create characters and situations though!
    Salut baloo

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