Hurts too much listening to Pearl Jam now

NeilJam

Haven't been able to listen to Pearl Jam recently. I've been abandoned by my wife and longtime concert partner, kept from my children, and set-up as the bad guy after she was verbally and emotionally abusive toward me for years. I begged to get counseling for us, but she refused, not wanting to relinquish control of our relationship. Now the relevance of so many songs to my situation hits me too hard too listen to them. Just hope my life somehow turns around before I reach Evenflow.

jmug23

Really sorry to hear the pain you are going through. Try to focus on your kids as much as possible.  I promise you it will get better.  Please, please reach out to close friends or other family to get help.  I can give you some phone numbers if you need help from someone outside your inner circle. Or you can even just pop in here as much as needed to be with your PJ family.  You have tons of support around you my friend. 

willbarclay

I hate to hear this kind of stuff. Just know that you are not alone and many people in this wild world are going through the same shit. 
When i was young in college I ended up having a child with my girlfriend at the time. Relationship ended and she made it very very difficult for me to forge a relationship with me daughter. Don’t give up and fight for those kids. They are the most important thing.

earthquakes making waves

You are most certainly not alone. You inspired me to post on here for the first time in years since I've been hurting. While not exactly the same I'm going through something similar. I have genetic health problems with my pancreas and heart. I waited a long long time before giving her my heart in fear that she wouldn't be able to handle the long term existence of my problems as with previous loves of mine. I was finally convinced she was the one and would stay by my side no matter what. My ex and I dated for 6 years before I proposed, at a PJ concert no less, and we were engaged for 2 years before the wedding. She was my #1 PJ concert partner like yours. After the wedding we started having serious problems, she abused me mentally and physically although I would just take it. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I never would lay a hand on her and would do anything I could to try to "fix" things including wanting couples therapy. Like you she just would not do it and the problems kept increasing along with her drinking. I even stayed with her after finding she slept with someone else. I was hospitalized about 4 months ago with pneumonia so severe I almost didn't make it as they had to induce a coma along with a full month of recovery in the hospital. On a side note they concluded it was from vaping with cannabis oil, so anyone out there stay clear of that shit and stick to the buds. Anyways when I came out of the coma my friends and family had to tell me what she had been doing. She found out I was sick and started posting things I wouldn't even repeat to the devil on Facebook and calling any and everyone she knew I was close to claiming I abused her, was a drug dealer/addict, called my work intoxicated multiple times claiming the same things, and literally was trying to break into my room at the hospital amongst so many other things. I also found out she was dating other men and I knew there was nothing I could do anymore. Even the doctors told me I had to leave her, leave town and find help. I don't have many friends or family that I could turn to and ashamed to say I had to move into my parents basement at the ripe age of 41 after I found out she withdrew all of our money and maxed out 3 credit cards while I was in the hospital. I don't want to hijack the thread but just want to say therapy saved my life along with 2 dogs I care for. PLEASE seek out help. I can't listen to PJ either and music is a huge part of my life. Try to get out and get involved in whatever your body and mind can handle. Do it as much as you can and try to keep working if you can. BTW there should be a thread on here for helping the fanbase find work if there isn't one already to anyone reading this or maybe I should take this undertaking myself. I'd be happy to talk to you ANYTIME you feel up to it. I don't have children so I can't even imagine how that feels although I know it must be devastating. She took all of my PJ memorabilia/records/posters/cds I've collected since 1993 long before I met her just to hurt my soul and that was painful enough. I've rambled and added way more than probably needed but like the others stated you are not alone and I wish you the absolute best and want to offer my help anyway that I can. Get a therapist, I cannot put into words how much its helped me and please feel free to reach out to me anytime. STAY STRONG...
-Kevin

RS65573

I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles guys. I've gone through some loss recently and this is the only thing that really felt like it helped.
https://www.bakadesuyo.com/

I dont know this guy or anything like that so no plug here to buy anything, I just feel compelled to pass it on.

Branden

You got people pulling for you. And it's hard -- if not impossible -- to "see beyond today" & think that things will be better in the future, 'cause what good's the future when you're stuck in right now?
But pretty much all of life is how you Deal With It. How you choose to react to the bullshit that the world throws at you like bull/chimp chimera, I guess...? Therapy will help you to figure out better ways to deal with & react to what seems like the end of the world.
And one thing you can get out of Pearl Jam's music -- if listening to it isn't any help -- is fact that Eddie & the band shared their demons. Exposed them to the world instead of holding them inside to rot & take over like a zombie ant fungus... They let go of them, and other people heard & said: "Hey, that's like me! That's how I feel!" And guess what? You just did the same thing with this post. You let some of it go, and you found out that you're not alone. And now you can see that other people have conquered their demons, and survived, and are still alive... 
It's hard & it sucks. But it can be done. AND you can do it... There are low cost, sometimes free, resources for therapy in almost every community if you don't have insurance. Don't rule out medication (NOT Self Medication!), because it can help temporary situations where your brain is flooded with chemicals that are preventing you from thinking straight, because our brains are idiots like that -- "You're thirsty? Let's go for a swim in the middle of the ocean! I'm helping!"
Plus, if she was mentally/emotionally abusive to you, there probably are some underlying things that need some tuning-up, too. Not that it's Your Fault, or anything, but people who are abusive have a pretty good radar for people who they can abuse & take advantage of, so you might have a hidden tracker pinging that you don't know about... 
But I'm not a doctor, or mental health professional... I'm just a guy who's gone through shit, as well, and is doing the best I can. I've had to do some things by myself, and I've had to ask for help. But you've got people in your corner... Even though you may have never met any of us, we'll be waiting for you at the next show! You know ... whenever that is...

Gern Blansten

NeilJam said:

Haven't been able to listen to Pearl Jam recently. I've been abandoned by my wife and longtime concert partner, kept from my children, and set-up as the bad guy after she was verbally and emotionally abusive toward me for years. I begged to get counseling for us, but she refused, not wanting to relinquish control of our relationship. Now the relevance of so many songs to my situation hits me too hard too listen to them. Just hope my life somehow turns around before I reach Evenflow.

sorry man...hang in there

bootlegger10

You could find some new music to dive into and come back to Pearl Jam after some time has passed.  Bruce Springsteen, The National, Radiohead, Neil Finn, Nick Cave, REM, QOTSA, etc.... Something with a big catalog worth diving into.

NeilJam

I used to be heavy into music, not just Pearl Jam, but with so much troubling me it has become mostly background noise to me. Can't really get into anything now. Still don't have access to my records as she continues to manipulate things so I still can't retrieve my stuff. Reaching the end of my rope and I'm powerless to fight it because she dumped so much debt on me. She has portrayed herself as a victim, and so already has the sympathies of others in addition to turning our children, especially Stone, against me. Don't know how much longer I can even hold on without a miracle to save me out of nowhere. I now think of her as the antagonist in "U" but still hope against hope for reconciliation.

brianlux

NeilJam said:

I used to be heavy into music, not just Pearl Jam, but with so much troubling me it has become mostly background noise to me. Can't really get into anything now. Still don't have access to my records as she continues to manipulate things so I still can't retrieve my stuff. Reaching the end of my rope and I'm powerless to fight it because she dumped so much debt on me. She has portrayed herself as a victim, and so already has the sympathies of others in addition to turning our children, especially Stone, against me. Don't know how much longer I can even hold on without a miracle to save me out of nowhere. I now think of her as the antagonist in "U" but still hope against hope for reconciliation.

I know this sounds easy to say, but give it time.  When you're up against the ropes, the whole thing can seem impossible to deal with.  If you hang in there, stand up for yourself but without taking too aggressive a role (that will only cause more resistance), keep as level a head as possible, and remember that others of us have been through similar stuff (believe me!), you will eventually see things in a better light.   For now, just take it a day at a time and stay close to those whose who care about you.   Best wishes to you you, NeilJam.

CW55354

It sounds like she has taken a lot from you. Don’t let her take Pearl Jam! At least that’s one thing you can have some control over. Find new meaning in the music and it may help get you through.  Pearl Jam has a pretty diverse catalog, so look for new songs you can relate to or a new way of interpreting an old one. Easier said than done, I know. But Somewhere along the line you may find yourself thinking that I had a point. That’s when you will know you are ready. 

manitouman

I've been running and riding my bicycle. It clears the mind, is inexpensive, has its health benefits and it's something that is yours to own. It cant be taken from you. Throw on some tunes or just something to listen to like an audiobook or a podcast. Basically I tune everything out for a couple hours at a time where it's just me and my thoughts.

Not saying you shouldnt fight. I would ask, what is worth fighting for? Sometimes letting go of what may be dear to you but unimportant is worth your sanity.

Best of luck in what sounds like a really difficult situation.

HesCalledDyer

I would suggest you find some new music to listen to for now.  Dive into a band you've wanted to check out but haven't yet.  It's actually a good thing you don't want to listen to PJ right now because all it is going to do is trigger emotional responses that really don't need to be triggered for your health's sake.  But trust me, your love of PJ will come back.  You like the band and their music, but you need to focus on something else that has no association with your wife, hence suggesting diving into something new.  Do that for a while, then try a PJ song in a month and see where you're at. If it still hurts, pull back away from it and focus on something else again.

lastexitlondon

Sending you love and healthy thoughts.  Its a horrible situation . Time is important but long. As others have said ride a bike or walk in all weathers. Nature can help connect with whats real.
You will be a new man of a different kind after healing begins. You be you .

NeilJam

manitouman said:

Not saying you shouldnt fight. I would ask, what is worth fighting for? Sometimes letting go of what may be dear to you but unimportant is worth your sanity.

My children are certainly worth fighting for. I don't want them to grow up to be irate like her and her parents. She avoided disciplining them, leaving that to me, and dragged them into arguments making me the bad guy to them. Now her parents, who owned the home we lived in and bullied me into kowtowing to her wants, have mostly taken over caring for them. The only times I can feel happy are limited visits with my boys, and even then I am saddened by horrible things they say based on the lies they've been fed. She didn't allow them to be close with my family, so now my family has mostly shunned me. All alone in this seemingly unwinnable battle that I tried to avoid. Close to just giving up on everything.

earthquakes making waves

DON'T GIVE UP MY FRIEND. My post earlier on the page was from the heart and I, along with other people on here, do know your pain. I have felt the same feelings of getting to a point that is just unbearable and unwearable. You can't give up, especially on your children. As you said yourself they are worth fighting for and they have a a long life ahead of them where they will need their father and understand things different. If not soon then at least eventually. Time moves so slow in these kinds of situations and without family or friends surrounding you, and I know that feeling all too well, it's even harder. But there are people that care. Search out some old friends, try to get back in touch with people you haven't talked in a while but that were a part of your life at some point. It helps a lot and PLEASE seek out a therapist. I was soooo skeptical going into my experience with one and it saved my life. I was also wiped out by my ex. She emptied all of our and my accounts and maxed out my credit cards and sold so many things for nothing including my PJ records and memorabilia. It hurts so bad and makes it so personal, but she can't take or sell your mind. Even when it hurts so bad you become numb and helpless feeling get out of your house or apartment or "cave" for lack of a better term. Let the rays of the sun rain down upon you and if you are a nature person let it heal you. Try to get involved in something if working is too hard. Tai Chi and Yoga are great, I suck at it but it's a great way to get out emotions and calm yourself. Take an art class, cooking class, learn an instrument. Distractions are necessary right now not only to pass time that you need so bad, but also as part of your healing process. As my therapist says; "you are still the same person that you were in happier times and nothing can change that." Take comfort in the things that you do enjoy and maybe couldn't do or wasn't supported by her and try to take on things you've been interested in and always wanted to do but haven't been able to. You will find happiness,  your smile will come back, laughter will come back. Your heart will not always be stuck in your stomach. It will come and I say with all my heart a therapist will help you find it faster. Especially if your alone and not close with family and friends like it sounds like you feel you are. Man.... I've been there and still have horrible days, but I'm fighting and am just now starting to laugh again. When it happens it's such an unreal feeling and helps so much. If you don't have insurance there are free therapists, groups, organizations, people, etc that are available and even if you can't listen to PJ reach out to your family on here like your starting to do. Try to post on here everyday or a couple times a day even if just to vent. Try to reach out to some of us who are in or have been in similar situations. I can tell you I still have quite a few sleepless nights and would be more than happy to talk, or just listen, anytime that you want to. Find ways to release. You have friends on here and we do care. Stay strong and have no hesitation in reaching out to me anytime you want. Take care of yourself my brother.
-Kevin

NeilJam

Hope this is OK to post as I have no where left to turn. Please help.

http://gf.me/u/wqqh32

deadendp

I'm sorry that you have fallen on hard times.  I hope that you find balance and peace in your life soon.  

NeilJam

Still can't really enjoy music now while feeling so much dread for the future.
I try to sometimes when driving, but can't really get into the stuff I've loved for so long.

HesCalledDyer

NeilJam said:

Still can't really enjoy music now while feeling so much dread for the future.
I try to sometimes when driving, but can't really get into the stuff I've loved for so long.

Hang in there man!  It'll all come back to you, try not to force it for now.  This is a hard time of year to deal with a situation like this as well so I can't even imagine how you feel. Take everything - life, music, etc - one day at a time.  It's know it's cliche but it's true.