Anybody gone through a divorce?

VH123058

Going through this right now, and I’m really trying to find ways to stay right and keep moving. Wondering if anyone has some advice that helped them.  Didn’t see it coming so that’s why I’m still so shocked and lost. Thanks for any help

YourDirtisMyfood

VH123058 said:

Going through this right now, and I’m really trying to find ways to stay right and keep moving. Wondering if anyone has some advice that helped them.  Didn’t see it coming so that’s why I’m still so shocked and lost. Thanks for any help

sorry to hear this.  Keep your head straight and keep in contact with your friends to lift you up, including the Ten Club community.  You will get through this and you will be okay.

manitouman

If it's worth saving, try. If not, then...

I found comfort in music. It takes time to process and you will find the strength to get through it. I found running and cycling listening to good music to be very therapeutic. It may sound more like punishment but it has its benefits. Try and steer clear from anything destructive. Easier said than done but you will thank yourself later when you come out in the clear.

Sorry you're going through this. No one is good at going through a divorce. Not like you prepare for this. Shows great strength and courage that you reached out. Don't be afraid to keep reaching out to your support network.

I was in a really bad place and then I heard this song come on. And it was like a switch flipped. I was like fuck this, tired of feeling shitty all the time. Time to move on...time to get going....

P.S. Hadn't seen this version of this song played. Goddamn, miss TP.

https://youtu.be/fTWuSjLQ2p0

JBC7913

Document EVERYTHING!!! All correspondence in writing!!!!! And don’t trust that what they say is what they will do, when it all comes down to it, if you have to go through the courts, it will be them who decides, not what your ex says they’ll give you! 

But it most import is that everything is documented and in writing. 

Sorry its it’s happening and sorry if it’s a bit blunt how I put it, BUT I got screwed over so I learned the hard way. 

Like MyDirt said, stay in contact with friends and family. And like someone told me once, “this too shall pass”.

OffSheGoes35

Whatever you need, don't be afraid to ask for it. Whenever you feel like you need someone with you for moral support, ask someone. If you're too depressed to care about paying your bills on time, go to someone and say, "I feel like I can't handle this right now, can you help me keep on top of this?"
Just be kind and patient with yourself...you don't have to keep everything together all by yourself, reach out.

mcgruff10

I went through one back in 2010; it is definitely tough.  One small piece advice is to try and concentrate on something positive in your life.  For me it was listening to music, going to the gym and spending as much time as I could with my son.  Definitely try to reach out to your family and friends for support.  This too shall pass.  good luck!

kaseylily

So..a few years ago I came home to a almost empty, half trashed house as my husband of 5 years packed up and left me while I was at work one day. 
I'm not gonna go into too much detail but my love for PJ was on the back burner as he was not the fan I am.  
I even blame him for my Eddie Vedder poster getting torn. Jerk. 
It's gonna be ok.
You will get though this with your friends, family and of course Pearl Jam forever! 
❤

pearljammr78

Stay strong. Keep those you love and love you closer than ever. Music, travel, exercise and sadly enough maybe a new fling to get your mind off of everything. Nothing serious. Don’t know if kids are involved. If not, keep a level head and remember all things pass with time. The hurt and loneliness will pass too. Stay away from booze and things that mask your feelings. Hope all gets better soon. Stay strong. 

I miss Tom Petty too. That passing was rough. 

go pre

I am going through one right now as well. It really sucks. She was my best friend, and now she can't even have a civil conversation with me. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve or are entitled by law. If children are involved, fight for their best interests. Stay positive, and don't be intimidated.

Vitalogensia

I unexpectedly went through a divorce after my ex cheated on me.  I was devistated, emotionally a wreck, had no idea what to do, but luckily my brother-in-law had the same experience, so he became my mentor.  If there is anyone in your personal life that had a similar experience, they will go out of their way to help you or lend an ear; be sure to take advantage of that.  The other thing that helped me was not holding back emotions.  I used to bottle everything up, but that became difficult (if not impossible).  Several things will make you want to cry, whether you know why or not, and just let it happen.  That will happen less and less over time.  Try your best to not let dark thoughts permeate your life, try to get out and do things (I traveled to a shit-ton of shows for years and hung out with people whenever asked), and believe that you will survive.  If anything I'm grateful for the experience now.

Very sorry you have to deal with this, but it doesn't define who you are.

hrd2imgn

God  bless and good luck to you, I hope it goes smoothly.  

starmap3333

Buckle up... especially if you have kids involved, more money, and aren't civil.  That's the truth.

GuitarEnthusiast

I don't have direct experience with a divorce myself, but am coming out of bad year personally. I'm eight months into recovery from addiction. My disease almost drove my wife and me to divorce, but we've been able to patch things up. As silly as it may sound, following the 12 step program has really helped me in more ways than just with alcohol, etc. I've learned how to get back to who I am, to focus on the positive things in my life while being able to deal with the negative aspects that will come up. I guess I am more mindful and work to focus my attention on the present and not so much the past or future. I want to be the best person I can be for my family, friends, and others.

I do have a sister-in-law who is going through a divorce. She's my wife's sister. So, we've been helping to support her as she has been a stay at home mom. Her husband has taken away her access to their bank, etc. They have two children. It's hard because I know them both obviously. While I am not super close to her husband, I know he's a good guy. However, he's dealing with his own addiction issues and won't work to improve himself and has not been treating her right. So, unfortunately, it's come to this. Anyway, I agree with what other's have said about keeping the children's priorities at the top. It is also important to be strong and keep your interests a priority. While I wouldn't want things to get ugly, you do need to watch out for your interests. Focus on being fair, but not giving in.

HughFreakingDillon

I know going through a common law separation is way different than a divorce, it's all I can draw from to answer your question. 

-keep things cerebral as much as you can. if your spouse attacks you personally, try to remember they are doing it because they are also hurting. try to remain calm and deal with things as un-emotionally as you can. break down when off the phone if you have to, just don't lash out. getting even will never make things better. don't be cold (as that might elicit a strong response as well), just factual. 

-stuff is just stuff. if it's valuable, and you are in a tough spot financially, maybe fight for it. but don't demand something just because you think you deserve it or that you want everything to be 50/50. fighting for your PS4 or your favourite chair isn't worth it. just let it go. 

-if it has emotional value, or is something that was obviously a gift to you, then do it. 

-remind yourself that all things really do pass. I was with a girl for 5 years. lived together for 2. and the immense pain last about 6 months. the subsiding pain lasted longer. I'm sure a marriage breaking down will be much worse. But the pain WILL end. 

-no relationship is a waste of time, even when it ends in disaster. you will come away learning from your experience. you will be a better person for it. cherish the good memories you made, and it's ok to miss them. but there's a fine line between cherishing the memory and holding onto it. cherish but let it go. 

-don't try to be friends, and don't force your friends to choose. if your ex is being a twat about "they were my friend first", let them be. that's what I did. the ones that wanted to maintain a relationship did. the ones that didn't, I let go. my ex even tried to get my now-wife to be roommates with her, knowing full well how much it would hurt me. 

-if you are on social media, unfriend/unfollow them, and block them. or delete your social media altogether. it is a poison I'm glad didn't exist when I went through my last major breakup. 

-it's ok to seek therapy to work through your emotions. they will be confusing, and it will be tiring. even if you feel fine every second day, you deserve to feel fine every day. 

Thief of Silence

Maybe it’s not the same, but I’m having to face the fact that my fiancé is with someone else on the side. We’ve been together for 5 years officially. We both have some issues with the bottle, but her solution is to be with the enablers because they tell her what she wants.

Any relationship worth anything hurts when it’s truly worth it. 

The way I’m dealing though is to focus on fixing myself, in hopes that maybe I can be a better person later on. Might seem cliche, but anything worth fixing is worth a shot. Talking does nothing, IMO. 

dankind

TJ25487

Thief of Silence said:

Maybe it’s not the same, but I’m having to face the fact that my fiancé is with someone else on the side. We’ve been together for 5 years officially. We both have some issues with the bottle, but her solution is to be with the enablers because they tell her what she wants.

Any relationship worth anything hurts when it’s truly worth it. 

The way I’m dealing though is to focus on fixing myself, in hopes that maybe I can be a better person later on. Might seem cliche, but anything worth fixing is worth a shot. Talking does nothing, IMO. 

You have hit the nail on the head here my friend. My wife moved out a few months ago as we needed a break after 27 years of marriage and I'm glad she did as we will be much stronger if we get back together after marriage counseling. We stopped the counseling a month ago as her mom was dying of cancer and it was too much on her but I kept going and the counselor said the best thing for me to do is just work on myself to become the best person I can be and the rest will take care of itself. It's a win win as I am feeling better about myself which will make my wife feel better about me as well. Also regarding talking, you are correct that actions speak louder than words. In the past I would always talk a good game to her but not follow through. Now that I see the error of my old ways I have enacted real change that is lasting. 
Good luck to all of us. We need it. 

stuckinline

I survived a nasty divorce. 
Lots of good advise posted above. 
I agree with the suggestions to document everything, focus on yourself, and listen to music.

Know that there are many good people on this forum who are ready to lend an ear.
Good luck!

AZA

I went through a divorce in 2006 and it's tough, I never saw it coming. I took the time to focus on myself, get outside and engage in things I enjoyed doing ,also meant flying to Las Vegas From Australia for a PJ show I had good friends who got me through it, 13 years later, I am remarried to an amazing woman and have a 2 year old son. Its hard to hear it now, but you will become a better person and things will get better!

trees

Yes back in 2005 i was married, try to do yoga ,if you dont already get a massage from the stres stay connected with family or freinds ,personally i work with horses and that energy helped and going to shows PJ or any music you like and my Dog Timber Was a huge help, then a couple years later i met someone that was right for me ,but i was perparing to be solo forever but the powers of love and meeting the right person came ,i will think of you and send you love and good energy ,peace brother ,try not to go down the wrong road of drinking and there are plenty of recreacration centers in towns with activities ,try to stay busy ,all yeh i went through Basic emt training to keep focused,but yeh just keep busy ,good movies,to chill and look up some support groups ,hope this helps ,touch base with us let us know your ok

trees

TJ25487 said:

Thief of Silence said:

Maybe it’s not the same, but I’m having to face the fact that my fiancé is with someone else on the side. We’ve been together for 5 years officially. We both have some issues with the bottle, but her solution is to be with the enablers because they tell her what she wants.

Any relationship worth anything hurts when it’s truly worth it. 

The way I’m dealing though is to focus on fixing myself, in hopes that maybe I can be a better person later on. Might seem cliche, but anything worth fixing is worth a shot. Talking does nothing, IMO. 

You have hit the nail on the head here my friend. My wife moved out a few months ago as we needed a break after 27 years of marriage and I'm glad she did as we will be much stronger if we get back together after marriage counseling. We stopped the counseling a month ago as her mom was dying of cancer and it was too much on her but I kept going and the counselor said the best thing for me to do is just work on myself to become the best person I can be and the rest will take care of itself. It's a win win as I am feeling better about myself which will make my wife feel better about me as well. Also regarding talking, you are correct that actions speak louder than words. In the past I would always talk a good game to her but not follow through. Now that I see the error of my old ways I have enacted real change that is lasting. 
Good luck to all of us. We need it. 

Great adivice ,i did the same ,started doing more basic need stuff that my lady was doing for the family that i should of being doing or helping as well ,but yes this all great advice

GuitarEnthusiast

Thief of Silence said:

Maybe it’s not the same, but I’m having to face the fact that my fiancé is with someone else on the side. We’ve been together for 5 years officially. We both have some issues with the bottle, but her solution is to be with the enablers because they tell her what she wants.

Any relationship worth anything hurts when it’s truly worth it. 

The way I’m dealing though is to focus on fixing myself, in hopes that maybe I can be a better person later on. Might seem cliche, but anything worth fixing is worth a shot. Talking does nothing, IMO. 

Given my experience, this is the way to go. If you aren't a little selfish and don't focus on fixing yourself...you won't be the best YOU for anyone else. Like other's have said, actions speak louder than words. I have been learning to be more mindful and to focus on taking one step at a time. Do the next right thing and accept life on life's terms. And do not forget hope. I've been in some dark places, but have never lost hope. That's gotten me through some tough times. Tough times never last, tough people do. ;-)

TJ25487

One book every person should read is called The Passion Trap. It was recommended to me by my marriage counselor and it has changed my life for the better. It simply explains relationship dynamics and how to recognize and utilize them to balance the relationship. The premise is that every relationship either starts off or becomes imbalanced and are doomed to failure if not balanced out. 

1ThoughtKnown

Each situation is different. 
I walked out on my ex in 09 due to consistent mental and occasional physical abuse. (Yes an abused husband.) worst part was I could tell this relationship was changing me from the big teddy bear I always was into an angry, lonely, overeating, emasculated shell of a human being.  I didn’t recognize myself.

I was so happy I left, I had to tell everyone.  It was like a weight lifted.  Looking back I would have kept my mouth shut and left with dignity. 
Of course, it all got back to her and created drama (how could it not?) and I DEPLORE drama. No one to blame but myself... she was trying to save face of course, no one likes to be dumped. 

Emotions run high and it can be difficult to think straight. What helped me? Counselling, having legal representation, eating healthier and beginning a fitness regimen and finding new friends. 

I left her everything, including mutual friends. Eventually I followed a new career path, moved out of town and eventually met my current wife who is the best thing that has ever happened to me (as is the career).

Hope this helps.... 

VH123058

Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. I always knew the pj fam was special, all your words just puts icing on the cake.  

H.Chinaski

I've been there and it's very stressful. Keep your head up!