Witnessing a loved one in hospice

mickeyrat

yeah, kind of a heavy topic but its something I peripherally experienced with my wife. I thought others might find it helpful as yet another thing some have in common.

I wasn't close with her father, so my experience was more in support of her. It was a 2 month ordeal from when he first fell ill. He just couldnt overcome what initially would have been an easily treatable condition had he been seen and looked after much sooner. Kinda pissed at his pcp and the er doc. both were somewhat dismissive of his symptoms. Fortunately for him, his daughter is a nurse, so she was a vocal advocate for him.

The facility and staff were just fantastic. He was treated with respect and dignity.

For me it brought back memories of watching my own father pass from lung cancer some 20 years ago. Those feelings of helplessness, knowing whats to come. Trying to anticipate when, etc...

Anyway, I look forward to shared experience shared here.

brianlux

Hospice folks are amazing.  I've personally seen them at work helping to make the transition out of this life easier for my mother, my father and a brother-in-law.  Saints walk among us.

hedonist

I'm sorry, mickey - it's tough for you via your wife.

My dad was in hospice the last several days of his life.  What I remember most was the staff's kindness, and whispering to my father that it was okay to let go.

mickeyrat

similar experience, my wifes estranged sister from his first marriage, hadnt talked to him in years.

they called her, put her on speaker. she said her peace. he passed 5 minutes after they hung up.

he had gotten  to speak with or see alk his living children before he went.

mickeyrat

there is someone going through this now that hasnt been around for a minute, but will lurk at least. it was primarily intended as an avenue for them to have more support....

lastexitlondon

I can still see faces and hear noises from visiting a hospice. It scares the shit out of me.

brianlux

mickeyrat said:

there is someone going through this now that hasnt been around for a minute, but will lurk at least. it was primarily intended as an avenue for them to have more support....

Who ever it is, best wishes to them.  It's not an easy thing.

josevolution

I’ve never had to experience anything like what you described, my mother in-law passed at her home peacefully..
my mother is suffering from Alzheimer’s and I can see where this awful disease is taking her for now she can still live at home ...

deadendp

You know, I have experienced a gentle passing experience at the hospice facility as well as at home hospice. 

Hospice facility- My aunt was dying of brain cancer. She had been transferred for her final hours/days. The room was very spacious with well enough room for all of the family members to visit with her and around her, but not crushed in and sitting on each other. They had a sliding glass door and a back porch for each room. We entered through that door instead of through the middle of the facility. It was truly a very positive experience and a wonderful way for her to get the pain management she needed and us to be able to attend to loving on her before she moved on. We did not need to manage her healthcare. We were there to give her a send off. Hospice allowed us to do just that. 

In home hospice- My grandmother was dying of stage 4 small cell lymphoma. Not always the most wonderful experience. In the beginning, the pain management was left to me. My aunt, legally blind, was unable to properly measure the liquid morphine into the syringe type needle free dispenser. I was left to run back and forth during work to give Grandma pain meds. They did finally work out a way to premeasure the morphine so that my aunt could give it to her. 

A side note, I did not at all mind going to give my grandma her meds, but I always worried that I wouldn't be able to leave on time and grandma would go without. I didn't want grandma to experience pain. 

In her final hours, that hospice worker was a saint. 

When I came in that day, grandma's pastor was visiting with her. I still appreciate what he said to me. "WHAT IS SHE WAITING FOR?" Grandma had the death rattle. "She is waiting to hear something and it's up to you to figure it out."

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that talking is not an issue for me. I sat with her. I talked about anything and everything I could think might be it. Finally, an hour later, I told her we would take care of my aunt. Her breathing changed. I went to get my aunt, sister and the hospice nurse. Less than 5 minutes later, she passed. We handled nothing. The hospice nurse handled the calls, transport and picking up her room. A very quiet and gentle soul. A wonderful way for grandma to exit. 

I'm a big fan of hospice and believe that those that do that work truly are a gift. You aren't always going to get someone with a fantastic bedside manner, but outside of the gaffe with morphine, it all turned out well. 

njnancy

My big sister passed away in hospice in 2013 at 54. She was there for almost 2 weeks and the people were very nice and there were very nice rooms we were able to stay over in. The grounds were wonderful for walking and thinking and feeling. 

The night she died, my mother and I were there (this was the second child she would lose and my second and last sibling). My mother was holding her hand singing lullabies to her and she felt her heart stop. I was outside taking a break and when my phone rang I knew and ran inside. 

That's all I can share about the experience as it still hurts like hell. But the people who worked there were quite kind. And we were given a year of free grief counselling - I was the only one who went and I basically cried and went through boxes of tissues. I think I have survivor's guilt, I know I have a broken heart. 

Prayers out to whomever is dealing with this now, it is surreal and yet so very real at the same time.