Should I ask Agnes out on a date?

OffSheGoes35

No

I could be wrong, but I think Spiritual was trying to make some of the single ladies feel better about being single.

njnancy

Yes

OffSheGoes35 said:

I could be wrong, but I think Spiritual was trying to make some of the single ladies feel better about being single.

He was just being informative I believe. 

I think that some people luck out and have relationships where there is both romantic love and a best friend relationship, those are marriages that work. They have ups and downs but they are happy people. I also believe there are some people who  stay together because they don't want to be alone. Those people are not happy, per se, they feel safe in what they know. Then there are bad marriages where both people are miserable but people get used to the cycle of fight, make up, calm, fight, make up, calm, etc. 

Some people will continue to get into relationships no matter how bad the last one was. They NEED to be in a relationship. And I think that we all want to be in relationships for a good part of our lives but sometimes when you've been through so much shit, you just don't know how to even start again. If I was in a good marriage right now, that would be great, but I'm not and I really don't want to start from the beginning and go through the whole process of getting to know someone. I want to be in the comfortable part of the relationship. I don't want to work to get to that point. I am tired, I've given my all too many times and the last one was just an evil f&ck who messed me and my son up. 

I think that men need to be in relationships more than women. As a generalization, every man is different. Women seem to stay single after the death of a husband or a bad divorce after a certain age, but men seem to be remarried quite quickly. Again, not all men or women adhere to this stereotype. 

I don't need a man to take care of me, provide for me, fix things for me - I can do all of that stuff myself. I did it all when I was in my major relationships, so I don't need a man for anything but sex. Since I'm not a one night stand person and I don't drink so I'm not gonna be able to lose my inhibitions and go for it, I'm kind of fucked (opposite pun). I don't want to have someone live with me, I have been single for so long that I am used to functioning without a partner.

It would be nice to have someone who had my back or who could take care of me when I am really sick or give me a break when I'm overwhelmed. But I have never had a man do that for me so I have no idea what that would be like. I just know it would be nice but I won't have that cause I won't do what it takes to get to that part of a relationship. I don't need a caretaker, I need a support system. I am the caretaker. 

There comes a point when responsibilities and the effects of what has happened just make relationships a non-priority. I have bad PTSD that needs to be dealt with, a sick mother and a son with multiple problems. I also have health concerns, financial problems and the thought of dealing with this old house when my mom passes is overwhelming. A husband would be great to have right now, but that didn't happen. It would be great to have my brother and sister but that didn't happen either. So it doesn't look very promising, or very important at this point in my life. I had a blast in my teens, twenties and early thirties, and I loved being a mother before all the traumatic shit happened. So you take the good and the bad and create a new life for yourself. I'm  still figuring that out.

lastexitlondon

Yes

njnancy said:

OffSheGoes35 said:

I could be wrong, but I think Spiritual was trying to make some of the single ladies feel better about being single.

He was just being informative I believe. 

I think that some people luck out and have relationships where there is both romantic love and a best friend relationship, those are marriages that work. They have ups and downs but they are happy people. I also believe there are some people who  stay together because they don't want to be alone. Those people are not happy, per se, they feel safe in what they know. Then there are bad marriages where both people are miserable but people get used to the cycle of fight, make up, calm, fight, make up, calm, etc. 

Some people will continue to get into relationships no matter how bad the last one was. They NEED to be in a relationship. And I think that we all want to be in relationships for a good part of our lives but sometimes when you've been through so much shit, you just don't know how to even start again. If I was in a good marriage right now, that would be great, but I'm not and I really don't want to start from the beginning and go through the whole process of getting to know someone. I want to be in the comfortable part of the relationship. I don't want to work to get to that point. I am tired, I've given my all too many times and the last one was just an evil f&ck who messed me and my son up. 

I think that men need to be in relationships more than women. As a generalization, every man is different. Women seem to stay single after the death of a husband or a bad divorce after a certain age, but men seem to be remarried quite quickly. Again, not all men or women adhere to this stereotype. 

I don't need a man to take care of me, provide for me, fix things for me - I can do all of that stuff myself. I did it all when I was in my major relationships, so I don't need a man for anything but sex. Since I'm not a one night stand person and I don't drink so I'm not gonna be able to lose my inhibitions and go for it, I'm kind of fucked (opposite pun). I don't want to have someone live with me, I have been single for so long that I am used to functioning without a partner.

It would be nice to have someone who had my back or who could take care of me when I am really sick or give me a break when I'm overwhelmed. But I have never had a man do that for me so I have no idea what that would be like. I just know it would be nice but I won't have that cause I won't do what it takes to get to that part of a relationship. I don't need a caretaker, I need a support system. I am the caretaker. 

There comes a point when responsibilities and the effects of what has happened just make relationships a non-priority. I have bad PTSD that needs to be dealt with, a sick mother and a son with multiple problems. I also have health concerns, financial problems and the thought of dealing with this old house when my mom passes is overwhelming. A husband would be great to have right now, but that didn't happen. It would be great to have my brother and sister but that didn't happen either. So it doesn't look very promising, or very important at this point in my life. I had a blast in my teens, twenties and early thirties, and I loved being a mother before all the traumatic shit happened. So you take the good and the bad and create a new life for yourself. I'm  still figuring that out.

Nancy this is very insightful and honest. I can see myself in the above post

Spiritual_Chaos

njnancy said:

I think that men need to be in relationships more than women. As a generalization, every man is different. Women seem to stay single after the death of a husband or a bad divorce after a certain age, but men seem to be remarried quite quickly. Again, not all men or women adhere to this stereotype. 

I think this has more to do with tradition and history, than a natural order. 

Women has, historically, spent their life looking after and serving a man. While a man has spent there life being served. 

Women I would think would to a large extent feel "relieved" to not have to do that anymore. They are free.
Men on the other hand, don't know what to do when being thrown out of this Hotel-life of his and will try to find it again.

I remember when my aunt passed, her husband didn't know how to cook even. He just started buying TV-dinners. When we visited once some time after he had "catered" food for us.

I think that aspect will change with our generation.

OffSheGoes35

No

Spiritual_Chaos said:

njnancy said:

I think that men need to be in relationships more than women. As a generalization, every man is different. Women seem to stay single after the death of a husband or a bad divorce after a certain age, but men seem to be remarried quite quickly. Again, not all men or women adhere to this stereotype. 

I think this has more to do with tradition and history, than a natural order. 

Women has, historically, spent their life looking after and serving a man. While a man has spent there life being served. 

Women I would think would to a large extent feel "relieved" to not have to do that anymore. They are free.
Men on the other hand, don't know what to do when being thrown out of this Hotel-life of his and will try to find it again.

I remember when my aunt passed, her husband didn't know how to cook even. He just started buying TV-dinners. When we visited once some time after he had "catered" food for us.

I think that aspect will change with our generation.

Maybe after all of those home cooked meals, he just wanted to eat Hot Pockets and tiny chicken pot pies.

hedonist

OffSheGoes35 said:

Spiritual_Chaos said:

njnancy said:

I think that men need to be in relationships more than women. As a generalization, every man is different. Women seem to stay single after the death of a husband or a bad divorce after a certain age, but men seem to be remarried quite quickly. Again, not all men or women adhere to this stereotype. 

I think this has more to do with tradition and history, than a natural order. 

Women has, historically, spent their life looking after and serving a man. While a man has spent there life being served. 

Women I would think would to a large extent feel "relieved" to not have to do that anymore. They are free.
Men on the other hand, don't know what to do when being thrown out of this Hotel-life of his and will try to find it again.

I remember when my aunt passed, her husband didn't know how to cook even. He just started buying TV-dinners. When we visited once some time after he had "catered" food for us.

I think that aspect will change with our generation.

Maybe after all of those home cooked meals, he just wanted to eat Hot Pockets and tiny chicken pot pies.

Double-entendre?

OffSheGoes35

No

hedonist said:

OffSheGoes35 said:

Spiritual_Chaos said:

njnancy said:

I think that men need to be in relationships more than women. As a generalization, every man is different. Women seem to stay single after the death of a husband or a bad divorce after a certain age, but men seem to be remarried quite quickly. Again, not all men or women adhere to this stereotype. 

I think this has more to do with tradition and history, than a natural order. 

Women has, historically, spent their life looking after and serving a man. While a man has spent there life being served. 

Women I would think would to a large extent feel "relieved" to not have to do that anymore. They are free.
Men on the other hand, don't know what to do when being thrown out of this Hotel-life of his and will try to find it again.

I remember when my aunt passed, her husband didn't know how to cook even. He just started buying TV-dinners. When we visited once some time after he had "catered" food for us.

I think that aspect will change with our generation.

Maybe after all of those home cooked meals, he just wanted to eat Hot Pockets and tiny chicken pot pies.

Double-entendre?

Lol! 

dankind

Yes

OffSheGoes35 said:

hedonist said:

OffSheGoes35 said:

Spiritual_Chaos said:

njnancy said:

I think that men need to be in relationships more than women. As a generalization, every man is different. Women seem to stay single after the death of a husband or a bad divorce after a certain age, but men seem to be remarried quite quickly. Again, not all men or women adhere to this stereotype. 

I think this has more to do with tradition and history, than a natural order. 

Women has, historically, spent their life looking after and serving a man. While a man has spent there life being served. 

Women I would think would to a large extent feel "relieved" to not have to do that anymore. They are free.
Men on the other hand, don't know what to do when being thrown out of this Hotel-life of his and will try to find it again.

I remember when my aunt passed, her husband didn't know how to cook even. He just started buying TV-dinners. When we visited once some time after he had "catered" food for us.

I think that aspect will change with our generation.

Maybe after all of those home cooked meals, he just wanted to eat Hot Pockets and tiny chicken pot pies.

Double-entendre?

Lol! 

Menage a trois?

hedonist

dankind said:

OffSheGoes35 said:

hedonist said:

OffSheGoes35 said:

Spiritual_Chaos said:

njnancy said:

I think that men need to be in relationships more than women. As a generalization, every man is different. Women seem to stay single after the death of a husband or a bad divorce after a certain age, but men seem to be remarried quite quickly. Again, not all men or women adhere to this stereotype. 

I think this has more to do with tradition and history, than a natural order. 

Women has, historically, spent their life looking after and serving a man. While a man has spent there life being served. 

Women I would think would to a large extent feel "relieved" to not have to do that anymore. They are free.
Men on the other hand, don't know what to do when being thrown out of this Hotel-life of his and will try to find it again.

I remember when my aunt passed, her husband didn't know how to cook even. He just started buying TV-dinners. When we visited once some time after he had "catered" food for us.

I think that aspect will change with our generation.

Maybe after all of those home cooked meals, he just wanted to eat Hot Pockets and tiny chicken pot pies.

Double-entendre?

Lol! 

Menage a trois?

As long as there's no Tour d'Eiffel.

PJ_Soul

Yes

hedonist said:

JPPJ84 said:

hedonist said:

Spiritual_Chaos said:

To the ladies:

Speaking at the Hay festival on Saturday, Paul Dolan, a professor of behavioural science at the London School of Economics, said the latest evidence showed that the traditional markers used to measure success did not correlate with happiness – particularly marriage and raising children.


“Married people are happier than other population subgroups, but only when their spouse is in the room when they’re asked how happy they are. When the spouse is not present: fucking miserable,” he said.

“We do have some good longitudinal data following the same people over time, but I am going to do a massive disservice to that science and just say: if you’re a man, you should probably get married; if you’re a woman, don’t bother.”

Men benefited from marriage because they “calmed down”, he said. “You take less risks, you earn more money at work, and you live a little longer. She, on the other hand, has tl put up with that, and dies sooner than if she never married. The healthiest and happiest population subgroup are women who never married or had children,” he said.

I call bullshit on the italicized part, plus a couple others.

Further, I'm fortunate that I not only love my husband, but like him too.  Happiness isn't skipping around la-la-la-ing while wearing rosy glasses.  It's about living through some of life's worst blows together, and knowing there's no one else in the world we'd want with us in both good and bad times.  Vows and all...

In the end, if possible, do what's right for you.

Well I for one took it rather tongue in cheek. I’m not single voluntarily so please leave me my illusion that it’s brilliant to be alone and free ;-) it’s so much easier to have all these happy(ish) couples around you when you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t need/want that. Works most of the time 😎

Oh, no worries!  I've just read similar articles / studies posted by the OP about what women supposedly want and what makes them happy.  I was offering a differing mindset.

For what it's worth, I figured I wasn't going to be with anyone long-term and that was fine...great, even.  But we met (here!) when I was in my early 30's and that was it.  I know of others here who've come together (no pun intended) in similar fashion.

Sometimes things simply go better when unplanned.  Regardless, enjoy the ride

For sure. I have no intention of getting into a relationship at all, but if something just falls straight in my lap, it's not like I'm going to straight up reject one of those super strong connections that just happen. I'm not a psychopath.

njnancy

Yes

PJ_Soul said:

hedonist said:

JPPJ84 said:

hedonist said:

Spiritual_Chaos said:

To the ladies:

Speaking at the Hay festival on Saturday, Paul Dolan, a professor of behavioural science at the London School of Economics, said the latest evidence showed that the traditional markers used to measure success did not correlate with happiness – particularly marriage and raising children.


“Married people are happier than other population subgroups, but only when their spouse is in the room when they’re asked how happy they are. When the spouse is not present: fucking miserable,” he said.

“We do have some good longitudinal data following the same people over time, but I am going to do a massive disservice to that science and just say: if you’re a man, you should probably get married; if you’re a woman, don’t bother.”

Men benefited from marriage because they “calmed down”, he said. “You take less risks, you earn more money at work, and you live a little longer. She, on the other hand, has tl put up with that, and dies sooner than if she never married. The healthiest and happiest population subgroup are women who never married or had children,” he said.

I call bullshit on the italicized part, plus a couple others.

Further, I'm fortunate that I not only love my husband, but like him too.  Happiness isn't skipping around la-la-la-ing while wearing rosy glasses.  It's about living through some of life's worst blows together, and knowing there's no one else in the world we'd want with us in both good and bad times.  Vows and all...

In the end, if possible, do what's right for you.

Well I for one took it rather tongue in cheek. I’m not single voluntarily so please leave me my illusion that it’s brilliant to be alone and free ;-) it’s so much easier to have all these happy(ish) couples around you when you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t need/want that. Works most of the time 😎

Oh, no worries!  I've just read similar articles / studies posted by the OP about what women supposedly want and what makes them happy.  I was offering a differing mindset.

For what it's worth, I figured I wasn't going to be with anyone long-term and that was fine...great, even.  But we met (here!) when I was in my early 30's and that was it.  I know of others here who've come together (no pun intended) in similar fashion.

Sometimes things simply go better when unplanned.  Regardless, enjoy the ride

For sure. I have no intention of getting into a relationship at all, but if something just falls straight in my lap, it's not like I'm going to straight up reject one of those super strong connections that just happen. I'm not a psychopath.

If a dude fell into my lap with a super strong connection and THEY weren't a psycho or sociopath, I'd be willing to go with the flow. I don't see anything falling into my lap that has that kind of connection though unless we get into a Weather Girls situation and I rip off the roof and lay in bed, it's raining men. (Hallelujah) 

Psychopaths would always go for the relationship, esp if it fell in their lap. Sociopaths too. The psychopath would end the relationship after they had their fun and it would be a possible deadly ending. Sociopaths would stick around and torment behind the facade of being a good guy. 

I think that you would go with the lap situation because you're not psychotic.

OffSheGoes35

No

How did this discussion go from Hot Pockets to psychopaths?

HesCalledDyer

OffSheGoes35 said:

How did this discussion go from Hot Pockets to psychopaths?

Working title of Jim Gaffigan's memoir?

OffSheGoes35

No

Oh okay, carry on ...

njnancy

Yes

OffSheGoes35 said:

How did this discussion go from Hot Pockets to psychopaths?

This thread has no integrity so you never know where it's gonna go. We've been through many lands in these 100 pages. 

Here's a gift for my fellow pre-spinster....

She did what she had to do.

https://youtu.be/l5aZJBLAu1E

OffSheGoes35

No

Holy shit, I never knew Giancarlo Esposito was in that video!
Thanks, Nancy! 

Happy Page 100!!! 

OffSheGoes35

No

Agnes Trivia:
Does anybody know, after 100 pages, what color of hair/eyes Agnes has?

njnancy

Yes

OffSheGoes35 said:

Agnes Trivia:
Does anybody know, after 100 pages, what color of hair/eyes Agnes has?

Agnes remains an enigma. 

OffSheGoes35

No

I think all should be revealed on page 100. We should be able to pick her out of a lineup. We should know all of her hopes and dreams. 

We don't even know what beer she likes!?!

HesCalledDyer

The only thing I remember from this thread is "Taylor ham."