Calling all ADULTS!!! ---- UPDATE

FoxyRedLa

I am boiling hot!! Long story short. My daughter is in martial arts. Shes 4, one of her classmates is Male and 4. This particular classmate has sensory issues. This boy looks at another child sitting on the side female a bit older. Old crotchety man in corner speaks up he doesn't like it. Little boy doesn't look away from the girl. Man gets angrier and gets the boys attention. Now the boy is mean mugging the man and wont stop. It's loud in the room. So man decides boy cant hear him? Man chooses to bark and scream at the boy took my breath away - would have spit on the boy if he was close enough. Screams so mean at the boy "you got a problem with me son?" Mom of boy is too far away and had no idea. My heart is still racing. 

Its not my business to intervene? Is it? I so badly wanted to stand up and stand toe to toe with that man. My heart was crushed.

What is an appropriate reaction from another female parent in the room?

What should I say or do in the future if at any point something similar happens?

I don't want to make a fool of myself or cross the line. 

I did talk to boys mom. 

darwinstheory

Talking to the boys mom is appropriate. 

I would have spoken with the man directly. myself. 

Additionally, I would have spoken with the staff and demanded that the man be removed from the premises immediately. 

If staff did not comply, I would have removed my child from this classes future sessions immediately.

But...perhaps the man had some legitimate issues as well?

FWIW - I am a 35yo male with no children, so there's that.

FoxyRedLa

I appreciate any comments. I am a female and did not grow up with boys. I dont know what is appropriate behavior for an adult male to "raise" their boys to be "men" and not "sissies". But I felt that was wrong so it had to have been. I wouldn't have reacted that way had it not been. So I just dont want to get perspective. My thought was that man feels that boys dad doesnt deal with the boy the way he would. But again hes 4 and the class and parents are aware the boy is there to learn and work thru his sensory issues and build new skills and coping skills. It just makes me sick. Wow just I can still see that mans face so angry and such a bully. To a four year old that didn't even realize what he was staring and fixated on.

brianlux

There's never a reason or excuse to yell at a kid that harshly.  The man obviously has self control issues.  That being the case, I would automatically assume he could cause harm.  I would go to whom ever was in charge and ask them to intervene.  Damn, what a shitty situation.  Sorry to hear you had to be around that!

lastexitlondon

As a father of 4. I would and have intervened in situations that are clearly not ok. I say people need telling and shaming for bullying children. It makes the child behave the same way and so it all continues.  The abused often become the abuser. Adults have no place treating children in no other manor than a child . Often these people would not have the spine to talk to an adult man this way. Only to women and children I've found .But that said if you felt at risk then don't approach. 

Annafalk

It's not ok to yell at a kid like that, and what did he do? Looking at another person is not a crime.

rgambs

You just have to ride your gut in situations like this, you can't force a confrontation if you aren't the force a confrontation type.  If the urge to get in his face bubbles over, so be it lol
I was raised by a hellfire woman who would have burned this man to the ground in front of everyone, she would have totally emasculated him and probably threatened his entire family and life.  
There's a middle ground there somewhere haha

FoxyRedLa

Thank you everyone! I feel better knowing if anything comes up and again to draw attention to him. But good point about him having control issues-maybe he should sign up for class. 

I did talk to the boys mom in case he was scared or acting weird. I dont know she'll address it. She was SUPER anxiety when I asked if we could talk after class. I think she gets talked to by people about her son and she appeared afraid of what I might say. I cant imagine. 

Hes not a bad child and martial arts and his other OT has brought him leaps and bounds hes been working super hard.

Absolutely breaks my heart.


Thank you all for your kind words. It helps me see all angles of looking isn't a crime, bullying, control, how to treat children that arent yours! We've all had that run in with someone else child I've never seen that before. But now that I know that was just over the top and not a man trying to "toughen" him up I'll be better prepared next time. I dont know that I could emasculate him but boy did I want to!

And you know that was my first comment to my husband I said that is not the way to build our kids up you dont strike them down like that.

Debating - I really want coach to be aware but feel that should be left up to the mother but so badly want him to be aware, what if that wasnt the first time....? We just started classes in July.

PJ_Soul

i would have said something to the man without even thinking about it to stop him, and then call the mom over as well. Who the fuck acts like that towards a 4 year old?!? I'm actually not too sure why you or anyone would not intervene in this situation. What exactly is stopping you?

tempo_n_groove

FoxyRedLa said:

Thank you everyone! I feel better knowing if anything comes up and again to draw attention to him. But good point about him having control issues-maybe he should sign up for class. 

I did talk to the boys mom in case he was scared or acting weird. I dont know she'll address it. She was SUPER anxiety when I asked if we could talk after class. I think she gets talked to by people about her son and she appeared afraid of what I might say. I cant imagine. 

Hes not a bad child and martial arts and his other OT has brought him leaps and bounds hes been working super hard.

Absolutely breaks my heart.


Thank you all for your kind words. It helps me see all angles of looking isn't a crime, bullying, control, how to treat children that arent yours! We've all had that run in with someone else child I've never seen that before. But now that I know that was just over the top and not a man trying to "toughen" him up I'll be better prepared next time. I dont know that I could emasculate him but boy did I want to!

And you know that was my first comment to my husband I said that is not the way to build our kids up you dont strike them down like that.

Debating - I really want coach to be aware but feel that should be left up to the mother but so badly want him to be aware, what if that wasnt the first time....? We just started classes in July.

Sounds like the boy has been a problem before.  Could be why the man piped up?

Looks like there is a bunch of underlying issues here.

Just my take.

curmudgeoness

Ugh. Speaking as the parent of a special-needs child: I have zero tolerance for that alpha-male, "hardass" bullshit (I grew up in MI, know that type all too well). I would have torn him a new one. I don't care if the child has been a problem before -- he is FOUR YEARS OLD. Yes, he needs to learn appropriate behavior -- being bullied and yelled at by an ADULT, who ought to know how to behave, isn't going to teach that boy anything other than how to be a loudmouthed jackass.

I hold adults to higher standards than I hold pre-schoolers. Period. Trust your gut. What if it had been your child? How would you want other adults in the room to respond? I've been -- I am -- that child's mother, and I could have used some support.

Edit to add: That poor mother. I know the anxiety, the dread as soon as yet another person says, "Can I talk to you for a minute?" Odds are her path is a very lonely one. On behalf of my younger self (and thee younger version of my son), please, please, try to be an ally for this woman.

josevolution

I would of spoken to the teacher of the class and def demanded the man be removed and threatend to remove my kid from the classes and no it's never ok to yell at kid in any manner the old goat should of spoken to the kids mom if he had any issue with the boy ! 

FoxyRedLa

Again, everyone, thank you for helping me process this situation. I talked to coach tonight and he was very receptive. Said he noticed that man was upset and wasnt sure what happened because that mans son was in the same line as that boy and thought it was odd he was angry with his own son as he was doing well....well now he knows what happened. He thanked me for telling him AND for not getting involved. Coach made it clear it's his school and he deals with the problems. Coach also explained the man is ex-military and that possibly something triggered him but also that maybe he isn't aware Lincoln has what hes dealing with. He again thanked me and said he'd address it.

Pheeeeeewwwww!

Thank you again.

I was pretty jacked up the other night and I appreciate you guys that responded and are always having my back here. Thank you!

brianlux

FoxyRedLa said:

Again, everyone, thank you for helping me process this situation. I talked to coach tonight and he was very receptive. Said he noticed that man was upset and wasnt sure what happened because that mans son was in the same line as that boy and thought it was odd he was angry with his own son as he was doing well....well now he knows what happened. He thanked me for telling him AND for not getting involved. Coach made it clear it's his school and he deals with the problems. Coach also explained the man is ex-military and that possibly something triggered him but also that maybe he isn't aware Lincoln has what hes dealing with. He again thanked me and said he'd address it.

Pheeeeeewwwww!

Thank you again.

I was pretty jacked up the other night and I appreciate you guys that responded and are always having my back here. Thank you!

Glad you got some closure to a tense situation!  Kudos for stepping up and caring, FRLa!

lastexitlondon

I guess  we all have scars. But  good on you for standing up. Always protect children because  that's our job from the minute a lady becomes pregnant.  Until we shuffle off this planet. My only real purpose is to protect and teach my children  the correct way.

josevolution

lastexitlondon said:

I guess  we all have scars. But  good on you for standing up. Always protect children because  that's our job from the minute a lady becomes pregnant.  Until we shuffle off this planet. My only real purpose is to protect and teach my children  the correct way.

Absolutely!

HughFreakingDillon

brutal. what an absolute ass.