Funerals

Cliffy6745

cutz said:

Cliffy6745 said:

cutz said:

Cliffy6745 said:

The few kind words should never consist of "they're in a better place"

Sorry, but i disagree, in some cases anyway.

Then explain. If someone is suffering?

I rather not.

Solid story, my dude. Way to give 110%

Well my 60 year old man found a brain tumor, 2 weeks later he was in a coma, 2 weeks later we pulled the plug. A number of people told me he was in a better place. I think the place he wanted and deserved to be was with us...on earth...in real life

Cliffy6745

A sincere "I am sorry for your loss" is the only thing you should say to someone

hedonist

Cliffy, I truly am sorry for what you and your family went through, but really...there is no "should" when it comes to grieving or offering best wishes in the only way they know how? I just can't see giving anyone shit for wanting to pay honest respects, or, like cutz, might want to keep their experience close to the chest.

Really, leave people alone in their path of mourning.

Theirs isn't yours, and vice versa.

Surely, that can be respected.

Cliffy6745

hedonist said:

Cliffy, I truly am sorry for what you and your family went through, but really...there is no "should" when it comes to grieving or offering best wishes in the only way they know how? I just can't see giving anyone shit for wanting to pay honest respects, or, like cutz, might want to keep their experience close to the chest.

Really, leave people alone in their path of mourning.

Theirs isn't yours, and vice versa.

Surely, that can be respected.

Word, fair...everyone experiences things differently...

cutz

Cliffy6745 said:

cutz said:

Cliffy6745 said:

cutz said:

Cliffy6745 said:

The few kind words should never consist of "they're in a better place"

Sorry, but i disagree, in some cases anyway.

Then explain. If someone is suffering?

I rather not.

Solid story, my dude. Way to give 110%

Well my 60 year old man found a brain tumor, 2 weeks later he was in a coma, 2 weeks later we pulled the plug. A number of people told me he was in a better place. I think the place he wanted and deserved to be was with us...on earth...in real life

I said i rather not, because it's personal.

Sorry for the loss of your Dad.

Cliffy6745

cutz said:

Cliffy6745 said:

cutz said:

Cliffy6745 said:

cutz said:

Cliffy6745 said:

The few kind words should never consist of "they're in a better place"

Sorry, but i disagree, in some cases anyway.

Then explain. If someone is suffering?

I rather not.

Solid story, my dude. Way to give 110%

Well my 60 year old man found a brain tumor, 2 weeks later he was in a coma, 2 weeks later we pulled the plug. A number of people told me he was in a better place. I think the place he wanted and deserved to be was with us...on earth...in real life

I said i rather not, because it's personal.

Sorry for the loss of your Dad.

Word...

pjhawks

Cliffy6745 said:

The few kind words should never consist of "they're in a better place"

i agree with you. not really something i want to hear when someone close dies. i guess the people who say that either aren't sure what else to say or believe the man in the sky is taking care of them now.

PJ_Soul

pjhawks said:

Cliffy6745 said:

The few kind words should never consist of "they're in a better place"

i agree with you. not really something i want to hear when someone close dies. i guess the people who say that either aren't sure what else to say or believe the man in the sky is taking care of them now.

Yeah, same. I don't believe in Heaven, so such a comment would just feel like a super irritating platitude to me, and delusional. I think it would pissed me off of someone said that to me while I'm grieving for someone who died. It would actually highlight the fact that they are actually absolutely nowhere besides in a hole in the ground.

hedonist

PJ_Soul said:

pjhawks said:

Cliffy6745 said:

The few kind words should never consist of "they're in a better place"

i agree with you. not really something i want to hear when someone close dies. i guess the people who say that either aren't sure what else to say or believe the man in the sky is taking care of them now.

Yeah, same. I don't believe in Heaven, so such a comment would just feel like a super irritating platitude to me, and delusional. I think it would pissed me off of someone said that to me while I'm grieving for someone who died. It would actually highlight the fact that they are actually absolutely nowhere besides in a hole in the ground.

Maybe some don't equate "a better place" with heaven. Maybe they just mean that person isn't in a painful hell anymore.

Sometimes context needs to be appreciated. Like when my late mother-in-law said she was praying for us, that my husband would get through his lung surgeries, I found it nowhere near delusional or irritating. I appreciated the love and energy she was giving us. Her intent. No way my ego or (non?)beliefs would reject or ridicule that, from anyone.

northerndragon

Cliffy6745 said:

The few kind words should never consist of "they're in a better place"

This, so hard. It's a shit thing to say to someone who just lost someone they love. If you don't know what to say then don't say anything at all.

Cliffy6745

PJ_Soul said:

pjhawks said:

Cliffy6745 said:

The few kind words should never consist of "they're in a better place"

i agree with you. not really something i want to hear when someone close dies. i guess the people who say that either aren't sure what else to say or believe the man in the sky is taking care of them now.

Yeah, same. I don't believe in Heaven, so such a comment would just feel like a super irritating platitude to me, and delusional. I think it would pissed me off of someone said that to me while I'm grieving for someone who died. It would actually highlight the fact that they are actually absolutely nowhere besides in a hole in the ground.

Yep. No my dad has been incinerated and is in a box on the table over there, he is not in a better place. If someone is suffering I can somewhat get it but I do agree with Hawks in that it's what people say when they don't know what else to say.

Cliffy6745

hedonist said:

PJ_Soul said:

pjhawks said:

Cliffy6745 said:

The few kind words should never consist of "they're in a better place"

i agree with you. not really something i want to hear when someone close dies. i guess the people who say that either aren't sure what else to say or believe the man in the sky is taking care of them now.

Yeah, same. I don't believe in Heaven, so such a comment would just feel like a super irritating platitude to me, and delusional. I think it would pissed me off of someone said that to me while I'm grieving for someone who died. It would actually highlight the fact that they are actually absolutely nowhere besides in a hole in the ground.

Maybe some don't equate "a better place" with heaven. Maybe they just mean that person isn't in a painful hell anymore.

Sometimes context needs to be appreciated. Like when my late mother-in-law said she was praying for us, that my husband would get through his lung surgeries, I found it nowhere near delusional or irritating. I appreciated the love and energy she was giving us. Her intent. No way my ego or (non?)beliefs would reject or ridicule that, from anyone.

I think that when people say they are praying for you is very different. It is more of a well wish vs. a statement that someone is in some fancy party in the sky

hedonist

I guess it's just how we choose to hear and accept it (or not), in the moment.

I do understand and respect how some might not take it as I do.

Malroth

My grandpa slowly starved to death, and most of my family believes in heaven, so they would not take "he's in a better place" as an insult.

PureandEasy

To me, funerals are more a support of the family of the lost loved one. People come to let you know they were a part of the deceased ones life and to provide comfort.

I lost my brother, my best friend, almost two years ago now. In life, he imparted to me that he was afraid of death, and who would come to his funeral? It has been very difficult, but I can visit his grave and say "they came Mark" they came. There were close to 100 people at the service for my brother and to this day, that brings me comfort.

Funerals serve a purpose.

brianlux

One thing I always try not to say in situations like this is , "I know how you feel" or even more avoidable, "I feel your pain". I know those phrases are meant to be empathetic but truly we don't know how others feel. We may have experienced similar feeling but our feelings are unique and no one else can be inside us and experience our feelings and visa versa. Also, I think it can be subtly painful for someone to tell another "I know how you feel". A better approach to giving empathy I find is by saying something like what Cliffy suggested, a sincere "I am sorry for your loss".

hedonist

PureandEasy said:

To me, funerals are more a support of the family of the lost loved one. People come to let you know they were a part of the deceased ones life and to provide comfort.

I lost my brother, my best friend, almost two years ago now. In life, he imparted to me that he was afraid of death, and who would come to his funeral? It has been very difficult, but I can visit his grave and say "they came Mark" they came. There were close to 100 people at the service for my brother and to this day, that brings me comfort.

Funerals serve a purpose.

May you keep finding comfort, my old friend.

Coming on my dad's eighth anniversary soon, and I'm grateful that I now have more smiles than tears when visiting precious memories. Hell, smiles that I have precious memories.

(and, all who were there for your brother speaks to the person he was)

brianlux

hedonist said:

PureandEasy said:

To me, funerals are more a support of the family of the lost loved one. People come to let you know they were a part of the deceased ones life and to provide comfort.

I lost my brother, my best friend, almost two years ago now. In life, he imparted to me that he was afraid of death, and who would come to his funeral? It has been very difficult, but I can visit his grave and say "they came Mark" they came. There were close to 100 people at the service for my brother and to this day, that brings me comfort.

Funerals serve a purpose.

May you keep finding comfort, my old friend.

Coming on my dad's eighth anniversary soon, and I'm grateful that I now have more smiles than tears when visiting precious memories. Hell, smiles that I have precious memories.

(and, all who were there for your brother speaks to the person he was)

You show a lot of strength in dealing with the major loss of your Dad, Hedo. Glad to hear you seem to getting on as well as could be expected. That's very cool.

My old man is 95 1/2. I think about it a lot these days.

hedonist

Thank you, B. My mom is 86 or so and that too creeps into my mind.

Much as I fantasize about drop-kicking her off a cliff, I do love her and hope she's still got some good years under her belt. It's just tough to not think about the forthcoming loss, as I myself get older.

PJ_Soul

hedonist said:

PJ_Soul said:

pjhawks said:

Cliffy6745 said:

The few kind words should never consist of "they're in a better place"

i agree with you. not really something i want to hear when someone close dies. i guess the people who say that either aren't sure what else to say or believe the man in the sky is taking care of them now.

Yeah, same. I don't believe in Heaven, so such a comment would just feel like a super irritating platitude to me, and delusional. I think it would pissed me off of someone said that to me while I'm grieving for someone who died. It would actually highlight the fact that they are actually absolutely nowhere besides in a hole in the ground.

Maybe some don't equate "a better place" with heaven. Maybe they just mean that person isn't in a painful hell anymore.

Sometimes context needs to be appreciated. Like when my late mother-in-law said she was praying for us, that my husband would get through his lung surgeries, I found it nowhere near delusional or irritating. I appreciated the love and energy she was giving us. Her intent. No way my ego or (non?)beliefs would reject or ridicule that, from anyone.

Has nothing to do with my ego, and who said anything about ridicule? I'm saying that the comment would remind me of how horrible my loss is. I know that those who say stuff like that don't have bad intentions, but that doesn't mean it would still feel good for me to hear it, because of what it triggers for me. Also, praying for a sick person isn't the same as saying a dead person is in a better place, just sayin'.