Am I wrong to be mad?

RogueStoner

So my husband said some very hurtful things to me a couple of days ago. We stopped speaking. Today was day 3 and he texted me this morning saying he feels bad and wants to apologize but doesn't know how. He texted me from down the hall. As in, 20 feet away from me. As he walked by me, I gave him a hug to show him that I'm open to resolving this. And to comfort him because I hate when he's upset. He went through the entire day without talking to me. So in the end, he hurt me immensely, couldn't be bothered to have a face to face conversation with me, never apologized, and I ended up comforting him. What the fuck is wrong with me? Or am I wrong to be mad?

hedonist

Your last two questions? Nothing, and no.

I know that feeling of attempting resolution, both on the giving and receiving ends. Oh how it can fuck with the psyche.

Time, even just a bit, does wonders. Eases anger, opens the windows.

Cross-breezes and breaths.

You made me think of Hail Hail...bandaged hand in hand.

I probably added nothing of value to this, but know you both are in my heart.

Annafalk

Text back and say he needs to explain himself and apologize after he has made you a nice dinner.

Degeneratefk

Make him buy you a kobe bryant style apology ring.

RogueStoner

I don't know how much time it will take to get over this one. The argument started over our 11-year-old son not listening and not being respectful. I got upset that my husband had no reaction, like it was no big deal. The argument escalated until he told me that maybe our kids would behave better if they had any kind of a decent role model in their mother. A few more insults and then he said all I know how to do is get stoned and have sex. Apparently I have made no contribution whatsoever in our 20 years together. I am worthless to him.

RogueStoner

Degeneratefk said:

Make him buy you a kobe bryant style apology ring.

That's the thing...I don't want to make him do anything. I'd rather get a piece of string tied around my finger if it came from his heart.

brianlux

RogueStoner said:

Degeneratefk said:

Make him buy you a kobe bryant style apology ring.

That's the thing...I don't want to make him do anything. I'd rather get a piece of string tied around my finger if it came from his heart.

That's awesome.

Are you open to counseling? Sometimes a a few sessions with a good mediator can make a big difference in getting things back on track. My only advice is to find a good, reputable counselor who wants to help you, not bleed your bank account. Good counseling should aim to get at the heart of the matter fairly quickly and not string you along. Go for win/win as well.

We have some good counselors on board here. I hope some of them chime in.

Best wishes to you both, RogueStoner.

deadendp

From time to time, communication issues plague everyone in any relationship. You are certainly not worthless and your gentle person would agree.

Degeneratefk

RogueStoner said:

I don't know how much time it will take to get over this one. The argument started over our 11-year-old son not listening and not being respectful. I got upset that my husband had no reaction, like it was no big deal. The argument escalated until he told me that maybe our kids would behave better if they had any kind of a decent role model in their mother. A few more insults and then he said all I know how to do is get stoned and have sex. Apparently I have made no contribution whatsoever in our 20 years together. I am worthless to him.

I'm fairly certain of 2 things here:

1) That your hubby did exactly what he said he did. Tried to say something that he knew would hurt you. Which is both spiteful and childish. But my guess is he did not mean the things he said.

And 2) you are not worthless to him. I'd be willing to bet he'd be close to dead if it wasn't for you and that he probably feels like a complete scum bag.l for saying that to you. That's why it's difficult for him to look you in the eye. He's embarrassed and ashamed.

It's ok to be mad at him. I think you can see he's sorry. Give him a chance to apologize. He will. The kobe ring thing is a joke.

Empty Glass

My opinion:

Your husband knows he's wrong and the text he sent shows that he is hurt, embarrassed, maybe ashamed of himself. He knows he's wrong.

Hoping for the best.

OffSheGoes35

Please don't be torn down by this situation even though it may be really tempting. Your son needs you right now. You were right to focus on him. Put this fight on the backburner if need be, and build yourself back up for your boy.

northerndragon

Nope not wrong at all.
He needs to apologize and it is going to be very hard for him. It is very difficult to remove ones foot from mouth and eat crow at the same time especially if your pride is in the way. When the hurt goes this deep there needs to be the apology, but you also need to hear it as much as he needs to say it.
I hope that both of you can sit down and have a discussion soon to begin the healing process.

RogueStoner

Thanks everyone. I'll get over it. I always do. I doubt he'll talk to me about this. He never does. I'm always the first to apologize, to keep the peace. It hurts that I swallow my pride all the time but he can't do it for me. It also hurts that he never has anything nice to say about me. But life goes on. I just need to learn to live with it and lower my expectations even more. And focus on other things instead of the garbage he spews at me whenever I try to discuss any problem.

deadendp

I know your spouse and it is important for you to know that he has said some lovely things about you. Just wanted you to know that.

hedonist

deadendp said:

I know your spouse and it is important for you to know that he has said some lovely things about you. Just wanted you to know that.

He sure has, many times.

RogueStoner

That's nice. Too bad I missed it. But that's nice to know. He's an amazing man and I tell him so every day. I may be hurt and mad but I just want him to be happy and I don't feel like he is happy with me. I don't want someone to be with me just because he doesn't believe in divorce. I want him to be with me because he can't imagine life without me. I'm being greedy, aren't I?

Bentleyspop

RogueStoner said:

Thanks everyone. I'll get over it. I always do. I doubt he'll talk to me about this. He never does. I'm always the first to apologize, to keep the peace. It hurts that I swallow my pride all the time but he can't do it for me. It also hurts that he never has anything nice to say about me. But life goes on. I just need to learn to live with it and lower my expectations even more. And focus on other things instead of the garbage he spews at me whenever I try to discuss any problem.

No relationship of any sort works without good communication. Sounds like he is not a good communicator and not about to change. Also could be he doesn't know how to communicate which frustrates him and leaves him afraid to talk about the important issues. Meanwhile you're the one who has to move and adapt and change. Not good. Time for some counseling or, at the very least, some communication skills building.

FoxyRedLa

Is the silent treatment something new?

RogueStoner

I am definitely the one who likes to talk things out and get things out in the open. He likes to avoid anything unpleasant at all costs. Makes it tough to manage a household or family when I can't bring up anything negative. And I'm not one of those women who takes charge. I like to make decisions with my partner so we're on the same page, or discuss it until we can come to a compromise that we're both comfortable with.

RogueStoner

He just apologized via greeting card. I realize it's hard for him to talk to me face to face. I realize he feels bad. We all stay stupid shit at times. I love him with all of my heart and soul and so I forgive him. With time, his words will stop ringing in my head over and over. And deep down, I know the contributions I have made to this relationship, even if he's forgotten them. Life's too short for all this anger.

FoxyRedLa

Hmmm. Life's too short indeed.