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Am I wrong to be mad?

RogueStonerRogueStoner Sunny AZ Posts: 1,716
in All Encompassing Trip
So my husband said some very hurtful things to me a couple of days ago. We stopped speaking. Today was day 3 and he texted me this morning saying he feels bad and wants to apologize but doesn't know how. He texted me from down the hall. As in, 20 feet away from me. As he walked by me, I gave him a hug to show him that I'm open to resolving this. And to comfort him because I hate when he's upset. He went through the entire day without talking to me. So in the end, he hurt me immensely, couldn't be bothered to have a face to face conversation with me, never apologized, and I ended up comforting him. What the fuck is wrong with me? Or am I wrong to be mad?
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Comments

  • hedonisthedonist Posts: 24,524
    Your last two questions? Nothing, and no.

    I know that feeling of attempting resolution, both on the giving and receiving ends. Oh how it can fuck with the psyche.

    Time, even just a bit, does wonders. Eases anger, opens the windows.

    Cross-breezes and breaths.

    You made me think of Hail Hail...bandaged hand in hand.

    I probably added nothing of value to this, but know you both are in my heart.
  • AnnafalkAnnafalk Sweden Posts: 4,004
    Text back and say he needs to explain himself and apologize after he has made you a nice dinner.
  • DegeneratefkDegeneratefk Posts: 3,123
    Make him buy you a kobe bryant style apology ring.
    will myself to find a home, a home within myself
    we will find a way, we will find our place
  • RogueStonerRogueStoner Sunny AZ Posts: 1,716
    I don't know how much time it will take to get over this one. The argument started over our 11-year-old son not listening and not being respectful. I got upset that my husband had no reaction, like it was no big deal. The argument escalated until he told me that maybe our kids would behave better if they had any kind of a decent role model in their mother. A few more insults and then he said all I know how to do is get stoned and have sex. Apparently I have made no contribution whatsoever in our 20 years together. I am worthless to him.
  • RogueStonerRogueStoner Sunny AZ Posts: 1,716
    Degeneratefk said:

    Make him buy you a kobe bryant style apology ring.

    That's the thing...I don't want to make him do anything. I'd rather get a piece of string tied around my finger if it came from his heart.
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 42,808
    RogueStoner said:

    Degeneratefk said:

    Make him buy you a kobe bryant style apology ring.

    That's the thing...I don't want to make him do anything. I'd rather get a piece of string tied around my finger if it came from his heart.
    That's awesome.

    Are you open to counseling? Sometimes a a few sessions with a good mediator can make a big difference in getting things back on track. My only advice is to find a good, reputable counselor who wants to help you, not bleed your bank account. Good counseling should aim to get at the heart of the matter fairly quickly and not string you along. Go for win/win as well.

    We have some good counselors on board here. I hope some of them chime in.

    Best wishes to you both, RogueStoner.
    "Don't give in to the lies.  Don't give in to the fear. Hold on to the truth.  And to hope."
    -Jim Acosta











  • deadendpdeadendp Northeast Ohio Posts: 10,434
    edited July 2016
    From time to time, communication issues plague everyone in any relationship. You are certainly not worthless and your gentle person would agree.
    Post edited by deadendp on
    2014: Cincinnati
    2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
  • DegeneratefkDegeneratefk Posts: 3,123
    RogueStoner said:

    I don't know how much time it will take to get over this one. The argument started over our 11-year-old son not listening and not being respectful. I got upset that my husband had no reaction, like it was no big deal. The argument escalated until he told me that maybe our kids would behave better if they had any kind of a decent role model in their mother. A few more insults and then he said all I know how to do is get stoned and have sex. Apparently I have made no contribution whatsoever in our 20 years together. I am worthless to him.

    I'm fairly certain of 2 things here:

    1) That your hubby did exactly what he said he did. Tried to say something that he knew would hurt you. Which is both spiteful and childish. But my guess is he did not mean the things he said.

    And 2) you are not worthless to him. I'd be willing to bet he'd be close to dead if it wasn't for you and that he probably feels like a complete scum bag.l for saying that to you. That's why it's difficult for him to look you in the eye. He's embarrassed and ashamed.

    It's ok to be mad at him. I think you can see he's sorry. Give him a chance to apologize. He will. The kobe ring thing is a joke.
    will myself to find a home, a home within myself
    we will find a way, we will find our place
  • Empty GlassEmpty Glass In Rob's shed Posts: 12,329
    My opinion:

    Your husband knows he's wrong and the text he sent shows that he is hurt, embarrassed, maybe ashamed of himself. He knows he's wrong.

    Hoping for the best.
    I've met Rob

    DEGENERATE FUK

    This place is dead

    "THERE ARE NO CLIQUES, ONLY THOSE WHO DON'T JOIN THE FUN" - Empty circa 2015

    "Kfsbho&$thncds" - F Me In the Brain - circa 2015
  • OffSheGoes35OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,516
    Please don't be torn down by this situation even though it may be really tempting. Your son needs you right now. You were right to focus on him. Put this fight on the backburner if need be, and build yourself back up for your boy.
  • northerndragonnortherndragon Posts: 9,851
    Nope not wrong at all.
    He needs to apologize and it is going to be very hard for him. It is very difficult to remove ones foot from mouth and eat crow at the same time especially if your pride is in the way. When the hurt goes this deep there needs to be the apology, but you also need to hear it as much as he needs to say it.
    I hope that both of you can sit down and have a discussion soon to begin the healing process.
    Anything you lose from being honest
    You never really had to begin with.


    Sometimes it's not the song that makes you emotional it's the people and things that come to your mind when you hear it.
  • RogueStonerRogueStoner Sunny AZ Posts: 1,716
    Thanks everyone. I'll get over it. I always do. I doubt he'll talk to me about this. He never does. I'm always the first to apologize, to keep the peace. It hurts that I swallow my pride all the time but he can't do it for me. It also hurts that he never has anything nice to say about me. But life goes on. I just need to learn to live with it and lower my expectations even more. And focus on other things instead of the garbage he spews at me whenever I try to discuss any problem.
  • deadendpdeadendp Northeast Ohio Posts: 10,434
    I know your spouse and it is important for you to know that he has said some lovely things about you. Just wanted you to know that.
    2014: Cincinnati
    2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
  • hedonisthedonist Posts: 24,524
    deadendp said:

    I know your spouse and it is important for you to know that he has said some lovely things about you. Just wanted you to know that.

    He sure has, many times.

  • RogueStonerRogueStoner Sunny AZ Posts: 1,716
    That's nice. Too bad I missed it. But that's nice to know. He's an amazing man and I tell him so every day. I may be hurt and mad but I just want him to be happy and I don't feel like he is happy with me. I don't want someone to be with me just because he doesn't believe in divorce. I want him to be with me because he can't imagine life without me. I'm being greedy, aren't I?
  • BentleyspopBentleyspop Craft Beer Brewery, Colorado Posts: 11,051
    RogueStoner said:

    Thanks everyone. I'll get over it. I always do. I doubt he'll talk to me about this. He never does. I'm always the first to apologize, to keep the peace. It hurts that I swallow my pride all the time but he can't do it for me. It also hurts that he never has anything nice to say about me. But life goes on. I just need to learn to live with it and lower my expectations even more. And focus on other things instead of the garbage he spews at me whenever I try to discuss any problem.

    No relationship of any sort works without good communication. Sounds like he is not a good communicator and not about to change. Also could be he doesn't know how to communicate which frustrates him and leaves him afraid to talk about the important issues. Meanwhile you're the one who has to move and adapt and change. Not good. Time for some counseling or, at the very least, some communication skills building.
  • FoxyRedLaFoxyRedLa Lauren / MI Posts: 4,810
    Is the silent treatment something new?
    Oh please let it rain today.
    Those that can be trusted can change their mind.
  • RogueStonerRogueStoner Sunny AZ Posts: 1,716
    I am definitely the one who likes to talk things out and get things out in the open. He likes to avoid anything unpleasant at all costs. Makes it tough to manage a household or family when I can't bring up anything negative. And I'm not one of those women who takes charge. I like to make decisions with my partner so we're on the same page, or discuss it until we can come to a compromise that we're both comfortable with.
  • RogueStonerRogueStoner Sunny AZ Posts: 1,716
    He just apologized via greeting card. I realize it's hard for him to talk to me face to face. I realize he feels bad. We all stay stupid shit at times. I love him with all of my heart and soul and so I forgive him. With time, his words will stop ringing in my head over and over. And deep down, I know the contributions I have made to this relationship, even if he's forgotten them. Life's too short for all this anger.
  • FoxyRedLaFoxyRedLa Lauren / MI Posts: 4,810
    Hmmm. Life's too short indeed.
    Oh please let it rain today.
    Those that can be trusted can change their mind.
  • DegeneratefkDegeneratefk Posts: 3,123
    RogueStoner said:

    He just apologized via greeting card. I realize it's hard for him to talk to me face to face. I realize he feels bad. We all stay stupid shit at times. I love him with all of my heart and soul and so I forgive him. With time, his words will stop ringing in my head over and over. And deep down, I know the contributions I have made to this relationship, even if he's forgotten them. Life's too short for all this anger.

    You know he hasn't forgotten them!

    He knows he's a bum without you.
    will myself to find a home, a home within myself
    we will find a way, we will find our place
  • RogueStonerRogueStoner Sunny AZ Posts: 1,716
    And he finally spoke! And that's all I needed. Our house is filled with peace and love again. Thank you all for your kind words.
  • hedonisthedonist Posts: 24,524
    Now this brings a smile.

    Always shoulders and warmth here for you both.
  • mookeywrenchmookeywrench Posts: 5,963
    Just start talking with him. Stonewalling is a number 1 bad habit and predictor of a future divorce.
    350x700px-LL-d2f49cb4_vinyl-needle-scu-e1356666258495.jpeg
  • hedonisthedonist Posts: 24,524
    mookeywrench said:

    Just start talking with him. Stonewalling is a number 1 bad habit and predictor of a future divorce.

    I think it depends on how long the silence lasts (and god, sometimes it can seem like ages). But I think the pulling away can be necessary to digest and calm down and just...think. Take stock.

    When the foundation is there, it allows for pulling back in.

    Love,
    Attempting-to-pretend-to-know-whatthefuck-I'm-talking-about
    =)
  • RogueStonerRogueStoner Sunny AZ Posts: 1,716
    Hedo, you do know what you're talking about. Always give great advice. :hug:
  • hedonisthedonist Posts: 24,524
    For you two :)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06c-qszyfRI
  • 2-feign-reluctance2-feign-reluctance TigerTown, USA Posts: 23,345
    mookeywrench said:

    Just start talking with him. Stonewalling is a number 1 bad habit and predictor of a future divorce.

    Agreed. When I worked outpatient I saw this in 100% of the couples I worked with.
    www.cluthelee.com
  • rgambsrgambs Posts: 13,576
    It's amazing how hard it can be to communicate effectively with and understand properly the person in this planet that you know the best.

    Best of luck.
    Monkey Driven, Call this Living?
  • EnkiduEnkidu So Cal Posts: 2,996
    The silent treatment never works. I know, because I am a master of the silent treatment and it really only makes me feel worse. Sometimes I think it's harder when you've been in a relationship for a long time because you know each other SO well. That's good, but also bad because you can push each other's buttons so easily.

    Not that I would ever do that. Ha ha!

    Hang in there.
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