Diary of a shy person and the Internet Forums

Walking the miles

I’d like to give a different perspective. I’ve been a long time reader of these forum pages and not often a contributor. I’m by nature, a shy person in some respects. I’ll get back to that…..What needs to be kept in mind when using the internet forum to have heated debates, is that the person you are dealing with is not seen. There is not that personal contact to see with your eyes how the words that are spoken are affecting that person. People tend to act differently when in person, and the audience to that debate, reacts differently, when in person. There, generally, are social cues that people follow. I’ve been in many debates with groups of friends when we get together. Sometimes, they get heated. Sometimes, certain people within the group will attempt to dominate the conversation, somewhat. That’s fine. They feel strongly about the topic. But as a social group we do not allow people to be belittled or made to feel stupid. If someone does that in the midst of a debate we call them on it, ”Hey, you’re outta line”. Now, if it’s two people that are a bit of “hotheads” or type “A” personalities, then maybe we’d let it go for a bit (entertainment purposes), but that is because when in person we can see the visual clues to how someone is being affected by the words being used. I guess, also because we do know each other well, also.
The point I wanted to get to is this, if we were in a room together rather then on an internet forum, would we stand for any belittling, or people to be made to feel stupid? Would we stand for name calling? I would doubt that we would. You would have the visual clues that someone was being affected by that behaviour, and I hope it would make you feel sick. So you would mediate, you would tell the person to stop. Or, maybe as a group you would just stop listening to the person. Something. The difference with the internet is that you don’t have that visual clue. Often that is why typed words are often taken way out of context. There is no visual clue telling you that what is being said is meant to be a joke, or something else. Hence, I guess why emoticons become valuable. But I digress. So, when we don’t see the person, we forget, or don’t realize, how are words, or the words of others, may be affecting that person when we type them. We travel through the debate and we don’t necessarily know how we are affecting the people involved because there are no visual cues to let you know. I think, it’s often why people are more outspoken and perhaps less concerned about being offensive when on the internet. They do not see the pain they inflict. Some I suppose, don’t care, but most I believe, would care.
So, because it’s near impossible to conduct these forum debates in person, how do you continue to have debates on an internet forum and have them be fair to all? You self-edit, and be ever vigilant about how the words that you speak may be felt by another. And how, as an organization do you host such a place where these debates happen? You set ground rules and guidelines that are to be followed. You keep an arms length distance, and you moderate, and you act when needed.
As I said, near the beginning of this long blurb, I’m a shy person. I’ve spent my lifetime thinking about my shyness. Why am I shy? What is it to be shy? So far, (because life is a full journey) I’ve come to the realization that shy people care what other people think of them. Perhaps, and more then likely, too much so. That’s what keeps us silent. We are afraid of what people will think of us. If the shyness is serious enough it can be debilitating. But, I think there can be a benefit to shyness, and it is this. Because we are silent, we become observant. We can observe very well and when you are observant you can see the pain people feel, that others may not necessarily notice, or be sensitive to. I think, most people by and large, have some degree of shyness. It is in all the varying degrees of shyness that we exist that is different. With this varying degree comes the degree in which we are sensitive to the feelings of other people. So,when you have a physical wall between you and others, as when you are on the internet, that shyness is lowered. So when that shyness is lowered, one can become emboldened. But we should be careful because along with that shyness, the sensitivity to others can be lowered as well.
I just think as a group we need to be aware of this. The internet is still a relatively new way of communication in the world. I think as pioneers to this forum of interaction we haven’t traversed or navigated all the waters as yet, and hence we should attempt to tread lightly and feel are way around carefully. We should take stock of how things progress and make changes when we see things are not working well.
I know this has been a long read (maybe it was pent up), I apologize for that. As I’m not sure how to end this, and I could go on and on, I’ll end it with this. I battle with my shyness on a daily basis, that’s ok. That’s my cross. When you are in a battle, the dangerous part is when you don’t realize you’re in one, or you can’t identify it. My eyes were opened when I heard a song. It helped me come to a realization. It was Ed covering a Cat Stevens (now Yusuf Islam) song. It was in San Deigo, I did not hear it in person but heard it on the bootleg. “Don’t be Shy”. It changed me, it woke me to the battle I was in, and allowed me to face it head on. I’ll be forever grateful to Ed, for bringing it to me, and to Yusuf Islam for writing that beautiful, personal song. Thank you. And thank you to this forum which allows someone, like me, to post on their site, what I feel, without fear.

lazloblue

Nice post, good perspective. >-

JimmyV

Great post. I hope you win your battle and we see more posts from you in the future.

There are many great people here, and the disagreements are almost always enlightening. We all have something to say, and many times it will be something someone else hasn't heard or thought of before. The more voices in the mix, the better we all are.

And, at the end of the day, we do all share a love of the same great band. If nothing else, there is always that to bring us together.

Annafalk

Thank you for sharing, interesting read. Hope to hear more from you.

hedonist

My husband and I were at that San Diego show (my first). Beautiful cover, almost as sweet as the original.

I can be shy too - moreso in a group setting vs one-on-one (though not necessarily silent!), and I love what you said about it contributing to observing. Not the only way to "see" but certainly a powerful component of it.

Look forward to reading more from you, and agreed with the others - continue to post.

Walking the miles

Thank you guys/girls. I agree there are many, many great people on this site. I've even been lucky enough to meet a few. And I find the many disagreements enlightening and positive. These forums allow us to sometimes engage in topics or discussions that we don't often have an opportunity to discuss in our daily lives. I'll try to do more and contribute.

benjs

Great post, Walking the Miles. As a shy introvert who's been through a litany of self-confidence related issues, I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm more aware than ever before that people are inherently judgmental, it's part of human nature. If you share what you want to say in a respectful and non-diminutive fashion, the fellow on the other side of a discussion ends up looking disrespectful and diminutive if they choose to attack you fallaciously (i.e. ad hominem).

Kudos to you for sharing this, it's hard to recognize a fear of speaking up in yourself but it's the first step to the empowerment you attain by pushing through it. It was incredibly hard for me to speak up here at first, but the onus is on us whose voices aren't being beaten into submission by our governments to share information that is not being disseminated in mainstream media.

badbrains

Walking the miles said:

Thank you guys/girls. I agree there are many, many great people on this site. I've even been lucky enough to meet a few. And I find the many disagreements enlightening and positive. These forums allow us to sometimes engage in topics or discussions that we don't often have an opportunity to discuss in our daily lives. I'll try to do more and contribute.

You got plenty of time to post and contribute, not like your gonna be busy watching the maple leafs win lord Stanley you know????? )

Don't hate.

Walking the miles

badbrains said:

Walking the miles said:

Thank you guys/girls. I agree there are many, many great people on this site. I've even been lucky enough to meet a few. And I find the many disagreements enlightening and positive. These forums allow us to sometimes engage in topics or discussions that we don't often have an opportunity to discuss in our daily lives. I'll try to do more and contribute.

You got plenty of time to post and contribute, not like your gonna be busy watching the maple leafs win lord Stanley you know????? )

Don't hate.

Hahahaha. Maybe one day (I can dream)

chadwick

nice

i was shy when i was a kid & i still can be today at 42 yrs. frig all that! i learned to speak my mind & feelings by doing it. making myself get over certain fears, big or small.

the internets can help get things opened up inside. type what is on your mind & go with it. do this everyday & do it in eye to eye life. we are supposed to accept & embrace our fears & conquer them one step at a time.

living by this code i must parachute someday. hey, i've got on a plane 3 times, no we weren't skydiving. but still i was terrified but did it & was as nervous as a 'blank in church'

in my thinking ppl aren't meant to jump out of planes nor even be flying .... im fucking jammed up, man. how do i get over my fear of heights/flying?

bridges freak me out
mountain roads freak me out
getting on & off a roof freaks me out

another thing... how do we be different on here vs' eye to eye life? i'm the same friggin guy & im pretty sure i'm not changing much although i'll admit to holding back a lot on here

good luck, sir

benjs

chadwick said:

nice

i was shy when i was a kid & i still can be today at 42 yrs. frig all that! i learned to speak my mind & feelings by doing it. making myself get over certain fears, big or small.

the internets can help get things opened up inside. type what is on your mind & go with it. do this everyday & do it in eye to eye life. we are supposed to accept & embrace our fears & conquer them one step at a time.

living by this code i must parachute someday. hey, i've got on a plane 3 times, no we weren't skydiving. but still i was terrified but did it & was as nervous as a 'blank in church'

in my thinking ppl aren't meant to jump out of planes nor even be flying .... im fucking jammed up, man. how do i get over my fear of heights/flying?

bridges freak me out
mountain roads freak me out
getting on & off a roof freaks me out

another thing... how do we be different on here vs' eye to eye life? i'm the same friggin guy & im pretty sure i'm not changing much although i'll admit to holding back a lot on here

good luck, sir

Bridges freak me out too... Something I probably shouldn't admit as a structural engineer

A stranger one is a totally overwhelming sense of claustrophobia that comes over me when I'm walking on an escalator that isn't moving. Bizarre, eh?

Walking the miles

Chadwick, you're awesome. I've read many of your posts. I just today found your Chad's opinion thread. It is quite enjoyable. I was laughing out loud at my desk. People here probably thought I was crazy. I had to stop reading the thread as I don't want to give the appearance that I'm not working. ; ) I'm going to read that thread from beginning to end when I have a little more privacy.

Walking the miles

Benjs, I feel dizzy when I walk on a still escalator, but not claustrophobic. I think it's the expected motion that doesn't happen. And I guess in regards to the bridges, ignorance is bliss.

hedonist

chadwick said:

nice

i was shy when i was a kid & i still can be today at 42 yrs. frig all that! i learned to speak my mind & feelings by doing it. making myself get over certain fears, big or small.

the internets can help get things opened up inside. type what is on your mind & go with it. do this everyday & do it in eye to eye life. we are supposed to accept & embrace our fears & conquer them one step at a time.

living by this code i must parachute someday. hey, i've got on a plane 3 times, no we weren't skydiving. but still i was terrified but did it & was as nervous as a 'blank in church'

in my thinking ppl aren't meant to jump out of planes nor even be flying .... im fucking jammed up, man. how do i get over my fear of heights/flying?

bridges freak me out
mountain roads freak me out
getting on & off a roof freaks me out

another thing... how do we be different on here vs' eye to eye life? i'm the same friggin guy & im pretty sure i'm not changing much although i'll admit to holding back a lot on here

good luck, sir

Well shit...heights in general get me - I won't even lean against our balcony's railing.

Ever seen the dude who scales almost-vertical mountains with no equipment, no harnesses? Admirable balls there but gives me the heebie-jeebies just watching him.

Online vs face-to-face, hmmm...I've shared things here I typically wouldn't with those in my "real" life except the few closest to me - and vice versa. The acts of typing and literally speaking are each cathartic in their own way, but me, my self, is as me as I can get.

josevolution

nice post this place needs this after the last few days :-c

kce8

josevolution said:

nice post this place needs this after the last few days :-c

\:D/ you are so right...it was a little bit sad the last days.

I do mostly only read all this stuff here. My English isn´t that good so I often don´t write what I would like to say bc it´s so difficult if you want to explane some complex stuff in a foreign language especially on The Moving Train. But I hope it will get better and people can understand what I want to say.
I can only say I like this place and people here so much! >:D<

backseatLover12

I grew up painfully shy, and when I went away to college, I vowed to get past the shyness that plagued my childhood. It was difficult, yet easy, since I was in a different place and no one knew me and had preconceived notions of who I was.

I still work on being more vocal in person, but I'm still a introvert (introverts rule!) and I'm still pretty quiet especially in large groups. As a fellow shy person, and I know it's easier to say than do, but do try to not care what others think. We think too much, and maybe if we care a little bit less what others think of us, we allow ourselves to be free, at least for a moment.

I appreciate your post and mentioning bringing empathy into the equation. Empathy IS important, and I totally agree with you when communicating on the internet.

badbrains

kce8 said:

josevolution said:

nice post this place needs this after the last few days :-c

\:D/ you are so right...it was a little bit sad the last days.

I do mostly only read all this stuff here. My English isn´t that good so I often don´t write what I would like to say bc it´s so difficult if you want to explane some complex stuff in a foreign language especially on The Moving Train. But I hope it will get better and people can understand what I want to say.
I can only say I like this place and people here so much! >:D<

Have you seen how GF spells his own English speaking language???? You're doing fine! And GF, u know I ment that with love.....

ikiT

I'm a huge fan of Walking's original perspective and contribution.
Bravo.

Walking the miles

Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement. Besides myself I hope others were able to take something from this. And Chadwick, I did not intend my last post to seem like I thought all your posts were jokes. Your often funny, but sincere when need be. I appreciate that. Ending my night spinning Vs. right now. (Rockin!). Benjs, hope to see you in Detroit. Goodnight.

chadwick

you're fine, dude. i wasn't offened at all. laughing at your work desk is good. next time read to your fellow coworkers