But a friendship (any relationship, actually) takes tending to by those in it. You can't just...show up...take take take...over and over.
You need to nurture what you're growing. I need to do the same. It's incumbent on both, all, parties.
Someone treats me like shit consistently? Not gonna roll with it (why would I?). I'm gonna cut them loose. There's enough heavy shit to deal with in life without some asshole making things unnecessarily complicated and messing with my head.
I also hold myself to those same standards.
I was hoping to see something along these lines.
Like citizenship, friendship requires certain responsibilities.
I can be a citizen of a country and not participate. But to have citizenship.... well I think that means I act on those responsibilities. Same with a friendship it also has certain responsibilities. And each party is held to account or should be, through honest communication. But so often we fear being vulnerable.
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
But a friendship (any relationship, actually) takes tending to by those in it. You can't just...show up...take take take...over and over.
You need to nurture what you're growing. I need to do the same. It's incumbent on both, all, parties.
Someone treats me like shit consistently? Not gonna roll with it (why would I?). I'm gonna cut them loose. There's enough heavy shit to deal with in life without some asshole making things unnecessarily complicated and messing with my head.
I also hold myself to those same standards.
I was hoping to see something along these lines.
Like citizenship, friendship requires certain responsibilities.
I can be a citizen of a country and not participate. But to have citizenship.... well I think that means I act on those responsibilities. Same with a friendship it also has certain responsibilities. And each party is held to account or should be, through honest communication. But so often we fear being vulnerable.
But if the things that make friendships successful - not just taking, and giving too, etc. - feels like a task or work, then what's the point? I don't think I'd want to have a friendship where it feels like I'm having to put actual effort in rather than those things just coming naturally (i.e. for my friendships, whatever support or help or nurturing that goes towards that friend happens naturally because I'm happy to do it and I like to bring my friends pleasure or happiness or support, not because I'm working to maintain the friendship.... It's not a marriage on the rocks that requires rescuing! If I start feeling like a friendship is work rather than just fun and pleasure and kinship and a natural tendency towards closeness, maybe it's not such a great friendship.
Post edited by PJ_Soul on
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
I think nowadays since we have access to social media, and can connect to literally thousands of people at any given time, that if one feels that someone who they say is their 'friend' and for some reason, no longer has something they want any longer, one can toss that person aside and pick from that vast pool of other people to be 'friends' with, and not feel any remorse for the other person's feelings.
People can be really shitty.
The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
I think nowadays since we have access to social media, and can connect to literally thousands of people at any given time, that if one feels that someone who they say is their 'friend' and for some reason, no longer has something they want any longer, one can toss that person aside and pick from that vast pool of other people to be 'friends' with, and not feel any remorse for the other person's feelings.
People can be really shitty.
That's true, people can be shitty.... I think I've lowered my expectations when it comes to people in the last number of years to be honest. That way, I'm still hugely appreciative and grateful when people are awesome (maybe even more than I used to be, since it seems more rare and special now), but also not all that angry or disappointed when they're shitty.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
I think nowadays since we have access to social media, and can connect to literally thousands of people at any given time, that if one feels that someone who they say is their 'friend' and for some reason, no longer has something they want any longer, one can toss that person aside and pick from that vast pool of other people to be 'friends' with, and not feel any remorse for the other person's feelings.
People can be really shitty.
That's true, people can be shitty.... I think I've lowered my expectations when it comes to people in the last number of years to be honest. That way, I'm still hugely appreciative and grateful when people are awesome (maybe even more than I used to be, since it seems more rare and special now), but also not all that angry or disappointed when they're shitty.
yeah, I've been doing that, but people still have been shitty after being what I thought was cool for a few years. Oh well, their loss.
The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.
I think nowadays since we have access to social media, and can connect to literally thousands of people at any given time, that if one feels that someone who they say is their 'friend' and for some reason, no longer has something they want any longer, one can toss that person aside and pick from that vast pool of other people to be 'friends' with, and not feel any remorse for the other person's feelings.
People can be really shitty.
That's true, people can be shitty.... I think I've lowered my expectations when it comes to people in the last number of years to be honest. That way, I'm still hugely appreciative and grateful when people are awesome (maybe even more than I used to be, since it seems more rare and special now), but also not all that angry or disappointed when they're shitty.
yeah, I've been doing that, but people still have been shitty after being what I thought was cool for a few years. Oh well, their loss.
Fuck 'em.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
I'm loving that this thread is still going. And I am enjoying the diverse opinions. Because it is a definition within oneself as to what we all consider our friends. I do agree with PJ Soul on that if it feels like I'm having to Put in too much effort, then yeah it's no fun, and easily becomes annoying. However it MUST have equal parts give and take! I think part of my problem is I give too much. And because I give simply in the spirit if bringing joy, I expect nothing in return., however again, if I am given something I feel obligated to give back in return.. And a lot of oeople take advantage of me for it..in the end, I believe that is what happened with the person that inspired this thread.. They were done with what I had to offer, and I got tossed aside. But like you all said.. Fuck em!
There is nothing as eye-opening to figuring out who your real friends are than being sick in the hospital for a few months. The ones that show, and I mean show up more than once, call, support you at your worst, they are the only true friends we have.
Who was that guy, anyway? Felt like he was only around for maybe a week??
Losiento is vox clamantis in deserto: a voice crying in the wilderness.
Losiento, wherever you are, a quote for you:
“Benedicto: May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. May your rivers flow without end, meandering through pastoral valleys tinkling with bells, past temples and castles and poets towers into a dark primeval forest where tigers belch and monkeys howl, through miasmal and mysterious swamps and down into a desert of red rock, blue mesas, domes and pinnacles and grottos of endless stone, and down again into a deep vast ancient unknown chasm where bars of sunlight blaze on profiled cliffs, where deer walk across the white sand beaches, where storms come and go as lightning clangs upon the high crags, where something strange and more beautiful and more full of wonder than your deepest dreams waits for you -- beyond that next turning of the canyon walls.” -Edward Abbey
“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
How many times has THAT happened to me? Too many to count! .... Makes you wonder how many people you dismissed as lunatics who actually could have been great friends. :-?
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
True - that's what I meant. Lunatics you want to avoid. Plain old weirdos.... well, who's NOT weird? Those are actually the people I want to avoid as well!
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
i think we all have our own perceptions of what normal is, and any deviation is considered "weird". i don't mind weird people. they make things interesting.
"You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry." - Lincoln
It would be a pretty lousy world if we were all the same.. Weirdo´s make the world an interesting place.
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
i think we all have our own perceptions of what normal is, and any deviation is considered "weird". i don't mind weird people. they make things interesting.
I personally don't know a single normal person. Everyone is weird and getting weirder by the day!
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
Well I'm the weirdest mofo you'll ever meet. And I'll admit it. I'm not like anyone else you'll ever meet. And I tend to freak people out at first.. But those that stick around, and get to know me for real.. Have never regretted it. And I think we're freak magnets to some degree, ya know?
There is nothing as eye-opening to figuring out who your real friends are than being sick in the hospital for a few months. The ones that show, and I mean show up more than once, call, support you at your worst, they are the only true friends we have.
There is nothing as eye-opening to figuring out who your real friends are than being sick in the hospital for a few months. The ones that show, and I mean show up more than once, call, support you at your worst, they are the only true friends we have.
what do we do when this exact fact you speak of are our own family members?
You take a good hard look at whether your life is: A) not affected by them other than the disappointment B)positively affected despite their douchiness in regards to a particular event C)negatively affected not matter the type of contact you have with them If the answers are A or B then you should work on the relationship but letting them know how their actions affected you or come to a place where you only expect so much from them as to not be further disappointed. If the answer was C then family or not sometimes you have to let a person go because it will make you a worse person for trying to hold on. It leads to resentment, anger, bitterness etc., which will invariably spill over into your day to day life. I've had to do it and at first you feel guilt but then as you start to observe things from an outside perspective you find a peace with your decision. Also as I watch others in my family interact with that person and the negativity it brings to their lives I am good with my decision. I do my best to support the family members that are negatively affected but from a distance and never when it involves direct contact with that person. It doesn't make you a bad person unless your version of stepping away involves somehow attacking that person because then you have not truly stepped away. Remember if you would not choose to have someone in your life like that why would you suffer that kind of person simply because they are 'family'.
Anything you lose from being honest You never really had to begin with.
Sometimes it's not the song that makes you emotional it's the people and things that come to your mind when you hear it.
There is nothing as eye-opening to figuring out who your real friends are than being sick in the hospital for a few months. The ones that show, and I mean show up more than once, call, support you at your worst, they are the only true friends we have.
what do we do when this exact fact you speak of are our own family members?
I'm from a family of 7. Only 1 sister and my 1 brother came to see me within the first week. My parents didn't. Imagine how I feel about that! Oh, and I come from a rather healthy family, where no one has been that hurt, (near fatal) anywhere nearly to that extent ever. In fact, my parents (and a few others) later told me that they wanted me to understand that they had difficulty accepting and dealing with the severity of the situation. Un fucking believable.
There is nothing as eye-opening to figuring out who your real friends are than being sick in the hospital for a few months. The ones that show, and I mean show up more than once, call, support you at your worst, they are the only true friends we have.
what do we do when this exact fact you speak of are our own family members?
You take a good hard look at whether your life is: A) not affected by them other than the disappointment B)positively affected despite their douchiness in regards to a particular event C)negatively affected not matter the type of contact you have with them If the answers are A or B then you should work on the relationship but letting them know how their actions affected you or come to a place where you only expect so much from them as to not be further disappointed. If the answer was C then family or not sometimes you have to let a person go because it will make you a worse person for trying to hold on. It leads to resentment, anger, bitterness etc., which will invariably spill over into your day to day life. I've had to do it and at first you feel guilt but then as you start to observe things from an outside perspective you find a peace with your decision. Also as I watch others in my family interact with that person and the negativity it brings to their lives I am good with my decision. I do my best to support the family members that are negatively affected but from a distance and never when it involves direct contact with that person. It doesn't make you a bad person unless your version of stepping away involves somehow attacking that person because then you have not truly stepped away. Remember if you would not choose to have someone in your life like that why would you suffer that kind of person simply because they are 'family'.
4 years later, and I know now how good this advice is. I struggled for a long time with how to forgive them, when someone told me that I didn't have to. I could write a book about this but won't here. Thanks for writing this though, northern dragon.
Comments
Like citizenship, friendship requires certain responsibilities.
I can be a citizen of a country and not participate. But to have citizenship.... well I think that means I act on those responsibilities. Same with a friendship it also has certain responsibilities. And each party is held to account or should be, through honest communication. But so often we fear being vulnerable.
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Typo Man: "Thanks kidz, but remembir, stay in skool!"
People can be really shitty.
- Christopher McCandless
- Christopher McCandless
Put in too much effort, then yeah it's no fun, and easily becomes annoying. However it MUST have equal parts give and take! I think part of my problem is I give too much. And because I give simply in the spirit if bringing joy, I expect nothing in return., however again, if I am given something I feel obligated to give back in return.. And a lot of oeople take advantage of me for it..in the end, I believe that is what happened with the person that inspired this thread.. They were done with what I had to offer, and I got tossed aside.
But like you all said..
Fuck em!
This is the song I sing when I think of the friends that did nothing but take, take, take.
Losiento, wherever you are, a quote for you:
“Benedicto: May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. May your rivers flow without end, meandering through pastoral valleys tinkling with bells, past temples and castles and poets towers into a dark primeval forest where tigers belch and monkeys howl, through miasmal and mysterious swamps and down into a desert of red rock, blue mesas, domes and pinnacles and grottos of endless stone, and down again into a deep vast ancient unknown chasm where bars of sunlight blaze on profiled cliffs, where deer walk across the white sand beaches, where storms come and go as lightning clangs upon the high crags, where something strange and more beautiful and more full of wonder than your deepest dreams waits for you -- beyond that next turning of the canyon walls.”
-Edward Abbey
You think you met a decent person.
You think you are building a friendship.
Then you realize a short time later, that the person is nothing but a fucking lunatic.
:@)
Till there aint nothing left worth taking away from me.....
And for some reason they all seem to find me.
:@)
Till there aint nothing left worth taking away from me.....
Typo Man: "Thanks kidz, but remembir, stay in skool!"
I cant handle weird.
:@)
Till there aint nothing left worth taking away from me.....
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
A) not affected by them other than the disappointment
B)positively affected despite their douchiness in regards to a particular event
C)negatively affected not matter the type of contact you have with them
If the answers are A or B then you should work on the relationship but letting them know how their actions affected you or come to a place where you only expect so much from them as to not be further disappointed. If the answer was C then family or not sometimes you have to let a person go because it will make you a worse person for trying to hold on. It leads to resentment, anger, bitterness etc., which will invariably spill over into your day to day life.
I've had to do it and at first you feel guilt but then as you start to observe things from an outside perspective you find a peace with your decision. Also as I watch others in my family interact with that person and the negativity it brings to their lives I am good with my decision. I do my best to support the family members that are negatively affected but from a distance and never when it involves direct contact with that person.
It doesn't make you a bad person unless your version of stepping away involves somehow attacking that person because then you have not truly stepped away. Remember if you would not choose to have someone in your life like that why would you suffer that kind of person simply because they are 'family'.
You never really had to begin with.
Sometimes it's not the song that makes you emotional it's the people and things that come to your mind when you hear it.