Being an outsider, the loneliness

backseatLover12

stuckinline wrote:

Don't focus on you, help someone else. Surely there is an organization near you that could use your time or money. If you don't like to interact with people, "adopt" a child for the holidays.

Try to make a difference in someone else's life.

Great advice. Getting outside ourselves and helping a cause that needs your help almost always puts things into perspective.

Seriously OP, loneliness and feeling sorry for oneself does nothing for one's peace and happiness. Especially this time of year, when giving of ourselves does wonders for the soul (and I'm not talking giving to a specific person who doesn't want our help). Give a toy for Toys for Tots. Volunteer for the Salvation Army. Look elsewhere and the loneliness and self victimization will be gone. Good luck, keep your head up.

Thoughts_Arrive

JonnyPistachio wrote:

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

your move now wrote:

fair enough maybe you have to be more open and approachable?

what else do you enjoy doing? Maybe take a class in something that interests you? Or get involved in a cause? If you feel lonely it is only going to be compounded by spending time alone at home

Nothing really, I am quite boring.
Music and that's about it.

Do you play any instruments?

Guitar, self taught, no maestro.

Thoughts_Arrive

Thank you all for the help, much appreciated.
It is also the shame of having not many friends.
My family judge me for it and comment about it, it makes me feel like crap.

Last night I saw my friend for the first time in 2 months.
Saw him a month ago at his recital for his performance course, but couldn't talk properly.
He invited me over to hang out and chat and have a laugh which we did.
It helped me feel much better, plus I talked to my relatives overseas when I got home.
Plus got to also hang out with his partner and his brother which was cool.

My depression/anxiety makes me feel like my friend does not care for me and that we are drifting apart, but he was glad to see me last night and he was clowning around all night. It's my mind making me have these thoughts which are not true.
It's just that he is very busy and can't catch up with me like we used to years ago but when we catch up it's like nothing has changed.

Thoughts_Arrive

Annafalk wrote:

I think you seem very normal, many people are lonely.
Try to find inner peace and gain strength from within..
Do you live close to the ocean? Can you walk along a shore and find strength from nature somehow.
Do you have a bike?
What do you think about joining an amateur acting curse or something like that?
Focus on yourself, be the best you can be !
Put all your effort on yourself and be your own best friend.

A big hug to you

(English is my second language so I apologize if it's lacking)

Thank you, your English is fine.
I live not too far from the ocean.
My psychologist told me to go for walks as much as I can along the beach and to absorb the nature.
I done it twice last week, will aim to do it this weekend.
I have a bike and actually planned on cleaning it and getting it ready for some riding, my friend wants to go riding along the river near his house.

gimmesometruth27

OP,

i think the majority of the people on here have gone through a similar experience. i hit rock bottom twice. once in 2010 and again here recently. both times i did what you did with this thread. i just posted and it was read by the strangers here. some of the strangers who reached out and replied to me became some of the best friends i have ever had. i have met most of them, but there are still some people on here that i haven't met that i still owe drinks because of what they did to help me through the shit. there are good people on here who have been through a lot in their lives. i see wisdom posted on these forums nearly every day. people are quick to give their advice and reach out to help.

you say you don't have a lot of friends, but look around you on this board. you are a part of this community. i don't know 99.99999% of people on this website, but we are united in our love for the music of this band. sure there are people on here that would probably never associate with a guy like me, and vice versa, but they reach out to offer help and support. i go on the moving train and fight with people on there, but at the end of the day, i like and respect every one of them because they are fans of this band, and we have that in common. look around, people care about you even though they do not know you. i was suicidal before. someone talked me off of the cliff. had that person not been there i don't know where i would be today.

just remember this. we can not control what happens to us. we can control how we react to it. we can choose to not let something hurt us. you can choose to make the decision that you are going to get through this shit and you are going to come out of this stronger, a better person, and you will know yourself better. never, ever, ever let someone make you feel bad enough that you consider suicide over living on. if nothing else, live on as a big fuck you to the people who have stepped on you. you are gonna get knocked down. but you choose to get up. it is not how many times you get knocked down, it is how many times you get up that counts.

you have to make the choice to get through all of this. this thing you are going through is not the end of the world. nothing is over until you decide it is. the only time something is really, truely lost is when you decide to give up. don't give up. reach out to people. talk to people. most times i think people suck, but there are a few out there who are amazing. choose to get through this. you have to perservere. you just have to. there is no other choice. no other option.

we are gonna fall hard. and fall often. just remember, it is not how hard you fall. it is how high you bounce. use this situation to make you a better person. don't do trendy shit because other people are doing it. be yourself. embrace your lonliness, embrace your individuality. most of the great art in the world came from people who feel like you do. you just need to work on your confidence. when bad things happen, we lose that sometimes. just stay confident and believe in yourself. this place is full of people like you and me. troubled souls. it is a whole army of troubled souls. but with these troubled souls in your corner, you can overcome anything.

bounce high, my man.

best of luck to you. you will get through this.

gimmesometruth27

OP, this is something that someone on this forum shared with me a few years ago. it is a spoken work by henry rollins called I Know You. i had a serious connection with this the first time i heard/read it, because it spoke for me. it said everything i had wanted to say. it described me very well, because i knew the feelings and situations he was talking about. it helped me. i hope it helps you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epRB03P1vvE


I know you
You were too short
You had bad skin
You couldn't talk to them very well
Words didn't seem to work
They lied when they came out of your mouth

You tried so hard to understand them
You wanted to be part of what was happening
You saw them having fun
And it seemed like such a mystery
Almost magic

Made you think that there was something wrong with you
You'd look in the mirror and try to find it
You thought that you were ugly
And that everyone was looking at you

So you learned to be invisible
To look down
To avoid conversation

The hours, days, weekends
Ah, the weekend nights alone
Where were you?
In the basement?
In the attic?
In your room?
Working some job - just to have something to do.
Just to have a place to put yourself
Just to have a way to get away from them
A chance to get away from the ones that made you feel
so strange and ill at ease inside yourself

Did you ever get invited to one of their parties?
You sat and wondered if you would go or not
For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire
They would laugh at you
If you would know what to do
If you'd have the right things on
If they would notice that you came from a different planet

Did you get all brave in your thoughts?
Like you were going to be able to go in there and deal with it
and have a great time.
Did you think that you might be the life of the party?
That all these people were gonna talk to you and you
would find out that you were wrong?
That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so
strange after all?

Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out that you were invited because they
thought you were so weird?

Yeah, I think I know you
You spent a lot of time full of hate
A hate that was pure sunshine
A hate that saw for miles
A hate that kept you up at night
A hate that filled your every waking moment
A hate that carried you for a long time

Yes, I think I know you
You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived

Home was not home
Your room was home
A corner was home
The place they weren't, that was home

I know you

You're sensitive and you hide it because you fear
getting stepped on one more time
It seems that when you show a part of yourself that is
the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you
One of them steps on you

They mistake kindliness for weakness
But you know the difference
You've been the brunt of their weakness for years
And strength is something you know a bit about because
you had to be strong to keep yourself alive

You know yourself very well now
And you don't trust people
You know them too well

You try to find that special person
Someone you can be with
Someone you can touch
Someone you can talk to
Someone you don't feel so strange around
And you find that they don't really exist
You feel closer to people on movie screens

Yeah, I think I know you
You spend a lot of time daydreaming
And people have made comment to that effect
Telling you that you're self involved, and self centered

But they don't know, do they?
About the long night shifts alone
About the years of keeping yourself company
All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
so you could imagine someone holding you
The hours of indecision, self doubt
The intense depression
The blinding hate
The rage that made you stagger
The devastation of rejection

Well, maybe they do know
But if they do, they sure do a good job of hiding it
It astounds you how they can be so smooth
How they seem to pass through life as if life itself
was some divine gift
And it infuriates you to watch yourself with your
apparent skill at finding every way possible to screw it up

For you life is a long trip
Terrifying and wonderful
Birds sing to you at night
The rain and the sun the changing seasons are true friends
Solitude is a hard won ally, faithful and patient

Yeah, I think I know you

Thoughts_Arrive

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such positive words my man.
Music is the only thing that has kept me going.
My psychologist pretty much told me I am lonely because I choose not to be a sheep.
Too many people want to fit in and be cool by being fake and working on their vanity instead of their brain.
The thing that hurt me most is when my sister told me when we had a argument a few years ago "no wonder you don't have a girlfriend or any mates", not sure what she was referring to, but it's just the shame I am made to feel. She is a sheep anyways, always used to tell me "why don't you buy some nice shirts like all young guys your age wear, why don't you go gym and get muscles like guys have, why don't you use a solarium". Pretty much my whole life I have been made to feel bad about myself by family and people at work/school/frenemies.

chadwick

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

I don't know how to "put myself out there".
Where do I go? With whom?
Thank you for your advice.

walk the park, go swim at a pool or beach, ever thought of attending university? some really great people love learning, lots of adults in university. i was just talking w/ my brother & he's thinking about going back to school at the nearby community college. i support this & tell him he should. hell, i should sometime get my butt back in school my own damn self

wait... beach - australia
hhmmmm
they saw y'all have fish w/ big appetites... chomp chomp

by the way, you inspired me to start my own thread on my issues & whatnot. thank you for helping me have the courage to hit submit

Thoughts_Arrive

chadwick wrote:

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

I don't know how to "put myself out there".
Where do I go? With whom?
Thank you for your advice.

walk the park, go swim at a pool or beach, ever thought of attending university? some really great people love learning, lots of adults in university. i was just talking w/ my brother & he's thinking about going back to school at the nearby community college. i support this & tell him he should. hell, i should sometime get my butt back in school my own damn self

wait... beach - australia
hhmmmm
they saw y'all have fish w/ big appetites... chomp chomp

by the way, you inspired me to start my own thread on my issues & whatnot. thank you for helping me have the courage to hit submit

I already did university, not going back. Maybe a short course music related.
I was trying to clean my bike chain just before and it slipped off the cogs and now I cannot get it back on grrr, how the heck am I going to go bike riding now. :( I am not good with fixing things.
Didn't think I'd inspire people here, thank you.

Thoughts_Arrive

gimmesometruth27 wrote:

OP, this is something that someone on this forum shared with me a few years ago. it is a spoken work by henry rollins called I Know You. i had a serious connection with this the first time i heard/read it, because it spoke for me. it said everything i had wanted to say. it described me very well, because i knew the feelings and situations he was talking about. it helped me. i hope it helps you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epRB03P1vvE


I know you
You were too short
You had bad skin
You couldn't talk to them very well
Words didn't seem to work
They lied when they came out of your mouth

You tried so hard to understand them
You wanted to be part of what was happening
You saw them having fun
And it seemed like such a mystery
Almost magic

Made you think that there was something wrong with you
You'd look in the mirror and try to find it
You thought that you were ugly
And that everyone was looking at you

So you learned to be invisible
To look down
To avoid conversation

The hours, days, weekends
Ah, the weekend nights alone
Where were you?
In the basement?
In the attic?
In your room?
Working some job - just to have something to do.
Just to have a place to put yourself
Just to have a way to get away from them
A chance to get away from the ones that made you feel
so strange and ill at ease inside yourself

Did you ever get invited to one of their parties?
You sat and wondered if you would go or not
For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire
They would laugh at you
If you would know what to do
If you'd have the right things on
If they would notice that you came from a different planet

Did you get all brave in your thoughts?
Like you were going to be able to go in there and deal with it
and have a great time.
Did you think that you might be the life of the party?
That all these people were gonna talk to you and you
would find out that you were wrong?
That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so
strange after all?

Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out that you were invited because they
thought you were so weird?

Yeah, I think I know you
You spent a lot of time full of hate
A hate that was pure sunshine
A hate that saw for miles
A hate that kept you up at night
A hate that filled your every waking moment
A hate that carried you for a long time

Yes, I think I know you
You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived

Home was not home
Your room was home
A corner was home
The place they weren't, that was home

I know you

You're sensitive and you hide it because you fear
getting stepped on one more time
It seems that when you show a part of yourself that is
the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you
One of them steps on you

They mistake kindliness for weakness
But you know the difference
You've been the brunt of their weakness for years
And strength is something you know a bit about because
you had to be strong to keep yourself alive

You know yourself very well now
And you don't trust people
You know them too well

You try to find that special person
Someone you can be with
Someone you can touch
Someone you can talk to
Someone you don't feel so strange around
And you find that they don't really exist
You feel closer to people on movie screens

Yeah, I think I know you
You spend a lot of time daydreaming
And people have made comment to that effect
Telling you that you're self involved, and self centered

But they don't know, do they?
About the long night shifts alone
About the years of keeping yourself company
All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
so you could imagine someone holding you
The hours of indecision, self doubt
The intense depression
The blinding hate
The rage that made you stagger
The devastation of rejection

Well, maybe they do know
But if they do, they sure do a good job of hiding it
It astounds you how they can be so smooth
How they seem to pass through life as if life itself
was some divine gift
And it infuriates you to watch yourself with your
apparent skill at finding every way possible to screw it up

For you life is a long trip
Terrifying and wonderful
Birds sing to you at night
The rain and the sun the changing seasons are true friends
Solitude is a hard won ally, faithful and patient

Yeah, I think I know you

I liked that, even better it has NIN A Warm Place which is one of my favourite instrumentals.
Thank you.

gimmesometruth27

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

I liked that, even better it has NIN A Warm Place which is one of my favourite instrumentals.
Thank you.

yeah that is good stuff. i go back and read that often. actually i watch that video because it impacts me a lot more hearing henry read it. i listen to it especially when i feel like i got stepped on or feel like i don't fit in or when i feel lonely.

amethgr8

All good advice here. Take what works for you. Life is hard even for those people that it seems easy. "Fake" people may appear to have it altogether when they are spewing judgements and gloating but that's most likely their "escape".

You sister maybe could have been a bit more tactful, but I think she just wanted you to try new things. How do you know all the guys at the gym are fake if you never been there? The same judgement you feel society is doing to you, you are doing to yourself and now since you don't have a click you fit into, you feel abnormal.

My brother has lived away, alone, for over 10 years , now he's in Hawaii. No real strong circle of friends, he does call a lot and is in the family loop generally. But he likes it that way and he has a right to live his life the way he wants to.

You're a person, a human put on this earth for a reason and that is to live, or find why to live, this life force that has been bestowed upon you.

What worked for me is when I started to let go of expectations I set for myself as a youth. Married by 22, 2.5 children by 27 and living happily ever after. I didn't get married till I was 39 and I have no kids and don't want any at this point. Plenty of kids to take care of if I get the urge. I've got plenty of family that needs to see me on a regular basis, which I've only realized that value like the past 7 yrs. but like I depended on them, now they on me.

Sure there are still family and friends that take pot-shots when I see them, condescending even, that's just how they have to raise themselves, at my expense, but not really. I can see their emotional immaturity and I consider the source. I wasn't gonna have kids just because my 80yr old aunt thinks that's what a woman is supposed to do. Most of them got something to say about my PJ hobby, I don't care, I pay for my tickets and stuff and that's what I tell them, so what?

I have a piano I play (kind of) once a month, mainly the first verse of Jeremy . Some would be like what? Only once a month?! But you know what I like owning it and if that's good enough for me, then it's good enough. A horse I ride 5 times a years, I clean the stall more, but I own him and take care of him, visit and brush him and I love him. I will define my life, not someone else. A ukulele for two years and I can play 2.5 EV songs, but I love playing them and when I decide to go further or put it down forever then that's what I'll do.

I tried new things, some things I liked some not. I quick dating my "type" which was unknowingly bad for me. I started to look at dating as just having a night out with another human being and quick worrying it this date was "the one". Too much pressure for both.

I took a journey into myself and found my husband along the way. Maybe he was making that same journey, I don't know but we are both convinced we would have never crossed paths in a bar.

Life beats us up enough, don't do it to yourself. If you want to change take small steps and have faith it will work out.

For what it's worth .

Thoughts_Arrive

Oh no http://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/health+nu ... r+30,26005
Almost 30.... :(

belinda27

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

Oh no http://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/health+nu ... r+30,26005
Almost 30.... :(

look at the top left hand corner of the tab as you open it it says "bs" because that is what it is.

Thoughts_Arrive

belinda27 wrote:

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

Oh no http://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/health+nu ... r+30,26005
Almost 30.... :(

look at the top left hand corner of the tab as you open it it says "bs" because that is what it is.

Hope so.

-Emma-

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such positive words my man.
Music is the only thing that has kept me going.
My psychologist pretty much told me I am lonely because I choose not to be a sheep.
Too many people want to fit in and be cool by being fake and working on their vanity instead of their brain.
The thing that hurt me most is when my sister told me when we had a argument a few years ago "no wonder you don't have a girlfriend or any mates", not sure what she was referring to, but it's just the shame I am made to feel. She is a sheep anyways, always used to tell me "why don't you buy some nice shirts like all young guys your age wear, why don't you go gym and get muscles like guys have, why don't you use a solarium". Pretty much my whole life I have been made to feel bad about myself by family and people at work/school/frenemies.

You don't have to be a sheep to get along with people. It sounds like your attitude will push people away, not encourage them to interact with you.

If a person likes a really shitty TV show, does that make them a sheep? No...it just means that they are interested in something different. If they go to the gym, does that mean that they are vain? No...perhaps they have a family history of certain illnesses and are being proactive about their health (I don't go to the gym...I am too lazy!). Try not to make assumptions about people based on their interests, when you don't really know them.

DewieCox

Immerse yourself in what you love. You have dozens of people surrounding you here that are experienced with using music as therapy...listen to what moves you and do the same with your guitar playing. I'd be in a much worse place without my iPod and guitar, that's for sure.

If your loved don't approve of the way you live your life or just make little comments, you don't have to ditch them, but know that it's your life you're living. Besides that I bet they love you unconditionally, same with your true friends, regardless of the amount you have. I've had 3 good friends since about 3rd grade and I've never needed any more.

If you have an issue with the way someone close to you treats you tell them.

If you wanna hang with people, even if it's not a place you normally dig, let them know and go. I'm not a fan of bars, don't really drink and can he awkward socially, but I've had plenty of good times at bars.

If you want to ride your bike, fix it.

mickeyrat

mickeyrat wrote:

comin gto this realization is a good thing. You are on the road to acceptance of it. From there it is becoming okay with this fact of your life. At some point , if you allow yourself to, you will begin to redirect your focus on simple things in life that bring joy and a sense of connection and away from the misery of morbid reflection on what you dont have that others SEEM to have.

I would suggest seeking out all things spiritual. There I think you will find the connection that is so vital to human existence.


I felt that way my whole life. I was fortunate that I didnt face some of the things you do , BUT I used alcohol as a means of escape, comfort, courage you name it.

I have now been sober going on 8 years. First three years , really had only removed the booze. Still felt like shit. wasnt as kind to others as I could be, was HIGHLY JUDGEMENTAL of others and situations around me. Had gotten married and divorced in that first three years. Then I chose to try something different. Actually working and trying to apply the lessons I had learned in AA. In that , I found that I could feel the vital connection in nature. That my viewing an animal, pretty flower, etc, at that moment in time I WAS CONNECTED to this earth and everything in it. Peace was a result. Being present in the moment resulted in peace of mind body and soul. In time , real human connection was possible.

Look into support groups of the 12 step variety . see if there is something in your life that a particular program addresses.

quick search reveals this http://emotionsanonymous.org/

here is an online meeting to start http://eameeting.org/

Look into it. What do you have to lose but your current way of being? How well is it serving you?

ahem.....

PJ_Soul

Get your ass to some Pearl Jam pre-parties during the Australian tour (I think you're Aussie, right??). You will meet great people there with at least one major thing in common with you.