Sibling Bullying

backseatLover12

Interesting stories, I think we've all been bullied or have been the bully to siblings growing up. But in reading these stories, I have to wonder, how does one naturally build defenses and defend oneself against, of all people, your sibling(s)? And why do parents choose to turn the blind eye? Why do parents pick favorite children? And then, why do people even have many children if they won't support each and every one of them equally? (I have one child, not having any more)

When I was growing up, I got "bullied" by my older brother, but nothing more than rough-housing. I picked on my younger sister, but not to simply be a bully, I recognized her defenselessness, and tried to get her to defend herself. She refused. She would always just run to my parents. She's still defenseless as an adult. Can this stuff not be learned?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24867267

Jamminonthe1

It's all human nature. We're terrible beings and that's never going to stop. In fact, it seems to be getting worse.

backseatLover12

Jamminonthe1 wrote:

It's all human nature. We're terrible beings and that's never going to stop. In fact, it seems to be getting worse.

It's all perspective, though. Either you can see that we're all bad and want to hurt others, or you see that we're all inherently good and have the ability treat each other equally, but we are poisoned temporarily. I choose the latter. We all choose what we think. We can change how we look at each other, we can change how we treat each other. It's all choice.

I'm just baffled why people have children purposely if they don't believe in fully supporting their children, emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. And I'm baffled why some people are scarred by sibling bullying years later, while others are able to heal.

hedonist

backseatLover12 wrote:

It's all perspective, though. Either you can see that we're all bad and want to hurt others, or you see that we're all inherently good and have the ability treat each other equally, but we are poisoned temporarily. I choose the latter. We all choose what we think. We can change how we look at each other, we can change how we treat each other. It's all choice.

I'm just baffled why people have children purposely if they don't believe in fully supporting their children, emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. And I'm baffled why some people are scarred by sibling bullying years later, while others are able to heal.

Good food for thought here.

My older sister used to pick on me big-time when we were growing up. I think that's just the nature of siblings, of those relationships. We've been pretty tight since my teens, and we've both been scarred by - and healed from - much worse.

I wonder if the term "bullying" is being over/misused lately...

know1

I'm sick of hearing the word bullying.

Sometimes it goes over the line. Many times it does not.

unsung

Some people need to toughen up.

brianlux

What I don't get why siblings don't get along once they grow up. Maybe it's because they don't grow up? When we were kids, my younger brother picked on me relentlessly. My parents said that because I was older and bigger I couldn't hit my brother back so he got away with pounding on me relentlessly. One day I had had enough and socked him right in the face. We got along fine after that. Today, I would die for my brother.

unsung

The best way to handle a bully is to stand up for yourself.

Or...

http://youtu.be/xEilW2dcpSM

Do what this kid did. I bet the bullying stopped.

JonnyPistachio

Im the younger of two brothers, and my brother whooped my ass many a time.
My wife is the oldest of four siblings, and she did her share to the younger ones until they got bigger.

There is a fine line where its an animalistic hierarchical thing, I think.
I think maybe bullying often wears down victims emotionally, and I havent seen that much among siblings (personally).

Last-12-Exit

unsung wrote:

Some people need to toughen up.

I agree. I take some credit for my younger brother being able to stand up for himself.

backseatLover12

brianlux wrote:

What I don't get why siblings don't get along once they grow up. Maybe it's because they don't grow up? When we were kids, my younger brother picked on me relentlessly. My parents said that because I was older and bigger I couldn't hit my brother back so he got away with pounding on me relentlessly. One day I had had enough and socked him right in the face. We got along fine after that. Today, I would die for my brother.

I don't connect at all to my 4 siblings now that we're adults. It's like we all come from different planets. Some of them can't break the family dynamic of one being coddled, one always being insecure of our parents attention... Some just refuse to accept the idea of growing up. We're talking about 38 and 49 year olds here.

backseatLover12

unsung wrote:

Some people need to toughen up.

So easy for someone to say. :roll: And how do you teach a sibling who's defenseless to "toughen up"?

Let's not forget how family dynamics also come into play, as well as parent support.

unsung

Ok, you win. Kids are much better off being pussies. Let's give everyone a participation medal and not keep score and never tell them no because we don't want their feelings hurt.

Then they become adults, can't deal with life and difficult times, and kill themselves or shoot up a school.


Makes perfect sense.

backseatLover12

unsung wrote:

Ok, you win. Kids are much better off being pussies. Let's give everyone a participation medal and not keep score and never tell them no because we don't want their feelings hurt.

Then they become adults, can't deal with life and difficult times, and kill themselves or shoot up a school.


Makes perfect sense.

I was serious, what's your answer to "how do you teach a sibling who's defenseless to "toughen up"?"

And why does everything have to be a black and white situation? I'm not looking to win any argument, rather than have an open discussion...

brianlux

unsung wrote:

Ok, you win. Kids are much better off being pussies. Let's give everyone a participation medal and not keep score and never tell them no because we don't want their feelings hurt.

Then they become adults, can't deal with life and difficult times, and kill themselves or shoot up a school.


Makes perfect sense.

unsung, if you please, come back with me in time and teach me how to toughen up...

Our first stop is at my elementary school. The year is 1959. Another boy walks up to me smiling and I think to myself I may have found a friend. Suddenly the boy kicks me in the groin and I go down hard. I tell my teacher about it and he tells me to not worry about. "Just get in your seat," he says. Please, tell me how to toughen up.

Our second stop is my middle school. The year is 1963 and it's the first semester of my seventh grade. I'm out on a large playing field when suddenly, behind me, I hear some guys approaching. I turn around and find I am surrounded by three ninth graders- three members of a group called the Green Jacket Gang. They beat the shit out of me and walk off laughing. They're a known gang but so far no one has done anything about the problem. If I rat on these guys I die and you don't get to hear this story. Please tell me, unsung, how do I toughen up?

Our final destination, my high school. The year- 1967. I'm in Spanish class and the guy behind me is taunting me yet again. Last week he took a pen and wrote "fuck you" on the back of my shirt. Today he quickly and quietly hauls off and hits me square on the back. I turn and yell at him and the teacher tells me that if I disrupt the class again I'll have to leave. I want to fight back- my friends tell me I should fight back- but the guy is almost too old to be in high school before, he drives a souped up car, meets with other guys after school who look like they are in the mafia and he is known to have severely punished another student who tried to fight back.

For fucks sake, unsung, tell me how to toughen up. I really want to know. I'm sick of this shit.

Welcome back to the present. You know, if parents and teachers had taken a better stand against those punks in the past I probably wouldn't have these demons in my closet.

Prince Of Dorkness

unsung wrote:

The best way to handle a bully is to stand up for yourself.

Or...

http://youtu.be/xEilW2dcpSM

Do what this kid did. I bet the bullying stopped.

Ok so first of all... if you're advocating teaching kids to attack each other, that's not really a very good solution. While that video might be funny to watch, not everyone is capable of doing that. The reason that video is "funny" is that it was a small kid picking on a big kid and the big kid picked him up and dropped him on his head. In the vast majority of cases, it's the big kids ganging up on one smaller, more defenseless kid.

And we all know that they go for the ones who aren't capable of defending themselves like that.

And honestly, the bullying DOES NOT stop when the victim stands up for themselves. Usually, the bullies just return in greater numbers.

Prince Of Dorkness

unsung wrote:

Some people need to toughen up.

Ok, well, let's use me as an example. I was the obviously gay kid... short... small... unable to really defend myself. I would get attacked by groups of 6-7 guys all of whom were bigger than me. I'm not Uma fucking Thurman. I can't take out 25 Yakuza all on my own.



And I was also verbally bullied by my sister... she would intentionally pick fights with me so she could blame on them on me. Sometimes breaking things so she could tell our parents I broke them... sometimes just making up things I'd done.

My parents, years later, have admitted that they knew what was going on but "didn't want to take sides" and since any altercation my sister didn't "win" would result in more yelling, screaming, tantrums and fighting, my parents would occasionally just allow blame to fall on me because it was "a way to just make all the tension end."


I guess you think I should have beat the shit out of my older sister? That would make it stop?

that's some good, sound advice.

mary justice

Emotional abuse amungst siblings leaves scars that are still visable today. Toughen up?? What a shitty " pick yourself up by the bootstraps" statement. Apparently you are VERY fortunate to have never had to deal with either physical or emotional abuse...hope you thank your lucky stars nightly!

Prince Of Dorkness

mary justice wrote:

Emotional abuse amungst siblings leaves scars that are still visable today. Toughen up?? What a shitty " pick yourself up by the bootstraps" statement. Apparently you are VERY fortunate to have never had to deal with either physical or emotional abuse...hope you thank your lucky stars nightly!

Thanks. I've always found that advice like that is just the musing of lazy people who don't give a shit.



For the record... my sister's verbal and mental abuse of me continued into her adulthood. Until I finally had had enough and just cut off all communication with her altogether. I've been told she's now got two kids and is married a second time. No idea what their names are and care less.

CAVSTARR313

Seems there is always a fine line with evrything,, every situation is different..

I have an older brother. He was generally nice and cool with me.. But we did have our fights. and , at times, it seemed as if he was torturing me.. maybe he was bored..

But, as time went on, I became taller, bigger and stronger. I got to kick his ass one time. one very awesome time!! later that day he approached me and apologized for all the bullshit growing up and asked that we never fight again

we havent. And I believe we are both better people for living the whole situation. lessons were learned, skills were gained, and boundaries were established. 2cents..

hedonist

Caveeze wrote:

we havent. And I believe we are both better people for living the whole situation. lessons were learned, skills were gained, and boundaries were established. 2cents..

Not to discount others' experiences, but good 2cents.

Just good sense.

I do think much of the...what's the term...mediation, guidance, stepping up?...needs to be taken on - and taken on well - by the parents of those siblings. I'm sure some try and succeed, some try and fail, but some obviously don't even take that initiative.

I'm not an advocate of coddling...but a kid shouldn't have to hurt in that way (in any similar way). That shit can turn to some kind of meanness, anger, or just a disconnect.