Chained and silenced

AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
edited January 2014 in Poetry, Prose, Music & Art
Chained and silenced

Chained not only to the bed…,
Connected not only to the needle …,
But shackled to the silence…,
Not allowed to speak…
Not allowed to feel…

Wanna cry out for help
But no one listens

Learning quickly to shut up…
Trying to be brave…
Fleeing in my mind, fleeing in fantasy…
Trying to feel nothing to survive…
Building up walls to hide my feelings inside…

Wanna cry out for help
But who cares?

Behind the walls I survived
Always on the lookout…anxious
How do they expect me to act…
Faking what they wanna see…
But damaged … inside and outside.

Wanna cry out for help
But don’t know how anymore

Frightened, angry and sad…
No one sees cause I won’t let them…
Always pretending… to be strong and independent…
But fragile, lonely and broken …
I stay behind… so lonely

Wanna cry out for help
But imprisoned behind the walls,
There is no escape…

See trough the tough mask…
See the pain…see the fear…
Hear the cry…
Please, listen to me this one time
Speak out for me because I can’t any more

Wanna cry out for help
But no one listens
Wanna cry out for help
But who cares?
Wanna cry out for help
But don’t know how anymore
Wanna cry out for help
But imprisoned behind the walls,
There is no escape…
Help me to help myself…
Help me… cry out
Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
"Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments

  • justamjustam Posts: 21,369
    It seems like you're starting to help yourself by writing your thoughts down where other people can read them. Communication is a good place to start.
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    Thanks, yes that was the idea...
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • chadwickchadwick up my assPosts: 21,157
    that is beautiful
    for poetry through the ceiling. ISBN: 1 4241 8840 7

    "Hear me, my chiefs!
    I am tired; my heart is
    sick and sad. From where
    the sun stands I will fight
    no more forever."

    Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    Thanks...
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • PearlOfAGirlPearlOfAGirl Posts: 15,993
    Very touching...

    Wish you were here...

    ~RIP Dad
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    OK, I did post this one somewhere else on this site. But was the inspiration for this former poet. They do belong together. :oops:

    Connected with pain

    Connected not only to the needle
    Chained not only to the bed
    By force interwoven with silence
    Shackled onto loneliness
    Melted with fear
    Integrated with incomprehension

    Cry out for help
    But no one listens
    No one cares
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    This one belongs also to this place at the forum, also posted somewhere else on this site, but it belongs also to this topic. This happened about twenty years later but belongs to the same topic...Sorry. Maybe one day I'll explain what this is all about, or maybe I don't... we'll see if I find the words....

    Blind

    Running for my first photo gig
    Out of breath, black spots in my sight
    Became black clouds, bleedings in my eyes
    Clouding my view

    I saw it happening in my eyes
    I saw, I saw… I was going blind
    And there was nothing I could do to stop it

    The doctors confirmed my fear
    Shooting lasers in my eyes to slow the process down
    Treatment after treatment, operation after operation
    But the damage done was irreversible

    I saw it happening in my eyes
    I saw, I saw… I was going blind
    And there was nothing I could do to stop it

    Wasn’t able to work no more
    Being focused on my sight
    Couldn’t handle being confronted with my loss, time after time
    But by making art… I feel

    I saw it happening in my eyes
    I saw, I saw … I was going blind
    And there was nothing I could do to stop it

    Fear, panic, despair, hopeless and furious
    It all grew in me while treatments failed
    Couldn’t handle it, overwhelming as it where
    Terrified off losing myself….Suicide? Yes

    I saw it happening in my eyes
    I saw, I saw… I was going blind
    And there was nothing I could do to stop it

    In despair making up my mind
    Stop feeling or go down
    Trying to survive, grabbing onto live
    Pulling my feeling deep inside vaulted behind bars

    I saw it happening in my eyes
    I saw, I saw… I was going blind
    And there was nothing I could do to stop it

    Survive, survive, survive…
    All of this to survive…
    Not to become totally insane and show the emotional storm inside
    I Threw away the key of that prison

    I saw it happening in my eyes
    I saw, I saw… I was going blind
    And there was nothing I could do to stop it

    Still alive, still able to see a fraction of what I used to see
    Feelings firmly locked behind bars
    Amazing fear is what has remained
    But feeling is healing…my art using as crowbar,
    I begin to feel again, I begin to live again

    I saw it happening in my eyes
    I saw, I saw… I was going blind
    And there was nothing I could do to stop it
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    edited December 2013
    Dependent of that shot

    Always looking for a balance…
    Always on the edge…
    Scared…
    Frightened…
    Depending on a needle….
    Dependent of that shot…
    Not by choice,
    but out of pure necessity…

    Shooting too little…
    Going out…
    Shooting too much…
    Conscious is also lost…
    I can’t feel it coming until it’s too late…

    Now I am on my own again…
    It’s scaring…
    Because I can’t feel it until it’s too late…
    Depending on my boys, if I go out…
    But it’s not their responsibility…
    It's not theirs, it’s mine…

    So I act strong and independent…
    Until I lose conscious again…
    The sirens scream…
    Needles put into place…
    Slowly I regain conscious…

    But when they’re not around…
    I am lost….
    I can’t cry out any more…

    Slipping in and out of conscious…
    Unable to speak…
    Unable to move…
    Feeling so helpless, so scared…
    Knowing that I can die out here…

    Knowing that I did depend too much on my ex…
    Help me to stay alive…
    Now that help is gone….
    I have to do it on my own…
    Conscious is lost again…

    I have to move ….
    I have to find help…
    Unable to move…
    I lay helpless on the floor…
    I have to cry out…
    But I can only softly moan …
    I have to...
    I have...
    I...
    Out I go again…

    Why can’t I be free?
    FUCKING DISEASE!
    Post edited by Aafke on
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    edited December 2013
    Chained and silenced

    fdd72735-604e-4975-a226-805bb8d89523_zps4c1db1d3.jpg
    Post edited by Aafke on
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    No way out...

    Seeingfreedom_zpsab23a03b.jpg

    Seeingfreedom_zpsc48a7809.jpg
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    Who's imprisoned in this madness?

    2298ccc3-5059-499e-b9af-cd202c65e389_zps522303ba.jpg

    This little snow fox shows how I felt when I made it...
    But he can show his madness, while the spectators don't show any sign of emotions...
    Well who is behind the bars?
    Who's more imprisoned?
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    Hospital... fallen into decay

    kreta2_zps1412c8d9.jpg
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 15,165
    Aafke wrote:
    Chained and silenced

    Chained not only to the bed…,
    Connected not only to the needle …,
    But shackled to the silence…,
    Not allowed to speak…
    Not allowed to feel…

    Wanna cry out for help
    But no one listens

    Learning quickly to shut up…
    Trying to be brave…
    Fleeing in my mind, fleeing in fantasy…
    Trying to feel nothing to survive…
    Building up walls to hide my feelings inside…

    Wanna cry out for help
    But who cares?

    Behind the walls I survived
    Always on the lookout…anxious
    How do they expect me to act…
    Faking what they wanna see…
    But damaged … inside and outside.

    Wanna cry out for help
    But don’t know how anymore

    Frightened, angry and sad…
    No one sees cause I won’t let them…
    Always pretending… to be strong and independent…
    But fragile, lonely and broken …
    I stay behind… so lonely

    Wanna cry out for help
    But imprisoned behind the walls,
    There is no escape…

    See trough the tough mask…
    See the pain…see the fear…
    Hear the cry…
    Please, listen to me this one time
    Speak out for me because I can’t any more

    Wanna cry out for help
    But no one listens
    Wanna cry out for help
    But who cares?
    Wanna cry out for help
    But don’t know how anymore
    Wanna cry out for help
    But imprisoned behind the walls,
    There is no escape…
    Help me to help myself…
    Help me… cry out

    Pretty much sums up how I feel right now.
    Thank you, very well written.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    edited December 2013
    I am sorry, you feel this way right now... I hope that it will give you any comfort to know that you're not the only one... I hope you'll find some release. I know I did.

    Without darkness there will be no light...

    IMG_2726_zps3a08233b.jpg
    Post edited by Aafke on
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 15,165
    Cannot find a release. Only temporary relief.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    Cannot find a release. Only temporary relief.

    Maybe temporary relief is a start?


    Out of my own experience I know how difficult it is, to share the storm of emotions with flowed inside my head. It looked like more easy to play the role off a strong and independent person. But by hiding my true feelings to myself, I became more lonely and isolated.
    I believe it's not healthy to keep all your problems to yourself. It's like building up a dam inside your own head. But as with a real dam in a river, the water (emotions) are building up behind that dam, become more and more powerful. I believe it's more healthy to flow along with the water (emotions) in that river. The water takes the lighter obstacles with the flow and changes it's course when the obstacles are to heavy. I believe that damming this flow takes a lot more power than flowing with it. By damming it you become estranged from yourself, and the fear is given room to grow.

    How you choose to express your emotions is entirely up to what feels fit for you. For me it's writing and making it visually. Sharing these kind of emotions is in my opinion not weakness, but strength. It takes a lot of courage to show your weakness and fragility. But feeling is healing....

    4a7f4934-6fbb-4bda-bc84-19eebf627add_zpscc0d6a86.jpg

    This one is called: Many faces
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    Well let this piece speak for itself.... I'm curious what you will see in it.

    IMG_2755_zps9441604d.jpg
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 15,165
    Aafke wrote:
    Well let this piece speak for itself.... I'm curious what you will see in it.

    IMG_2755_zps9441604d.jpg

    A conflicted person, someone with many thoughts and feelings.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    Aafke wrote:
    Well let this piece speak for itself.... I'm curious what you will see in it.

    IMG_2755_zps9441604d.jpg

    A conflicted person, someone with many thoughts and feelings.

    Nice one...
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    Well, here's an other one. Also here what do you see in it? Please let me know.

    Sad and angry I crawl up photo c85d4d59-380b-4782-91b9-c13947e07e2b_zpsc171ce76.jpg
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • TalonTeddTalonTedd TorontoPosts: 829
    Aafke said:

    Thoughts_Arrive" said:
    [quote="Aafke"]Well let this piece speak for itself.... I'm curious what you will see in it.

    image
    A conflicted person, someone with many thoughts and feelings.[/quote]

    Nice one...

    "The selfish they're all standing in line. Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time"......
    The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrows denied....
    All the innocents broken with lies.....

    gotta dedicate a song to this one, I am mine.

    I am so fucking glad I left it behind, am working it out...to be mine.

    Aafke, "Speaks for itself" is a masterpiece....I want that one, consider me to care for it and appreciate it forever. Would you part with it?

    :-O =D>
    I remember when, yeah. I swore I knew everything, oh yeah.
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    edited January 2014
    Please, do send a PM about that last question. It doesn't seem fit for me to talk about this kind of stuff publicly.

    Post edited by Aafke on
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    edited January 2014
    Everyone tells me how to live my life, but they aren't the ones living it now, are they?

    image

    So fuck off, I'll do it my way.
    Post edited by Aafke on
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    edited January 2014
    A Poem accompanying the pic above

    LOST

    Hidden in a corner
    Seeking for myself
    Lost
    My tears

    Can't cry
    Lost my feelings
    Estranged
    Not lonely

    Running away
    From myself
    My feelings
    So intense
    Imprisoned
    My sadness
    Suffocated
    Lost
    Ascending
    With them
    The feelings
    Die
    Loosing
    I'm no longer me


    Post edited by Aafke on
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    edited January 2014
    I try to be free, Living in the moment...
    Like this Dying Dancer...

    image
    Post edited by Aafke on
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    edited February 2014
    Well, I've been doing some rewriting of Blind
    It's now called Clouded View...

    I think it's an improvement this way, but I would love to hear your feedback on it...So please let me know...

    Clouded view

    Out of breath, black spots in my eyes
    Became red clouds
    Swirling around in sight
    Clouding my focus…clouding my view

    Red strings swirl in sight
    Clouded view
    Out goes the light…

    Doctors confirm the fear
    Shooting lasers, treatment after treatment
    Operation after operation
    But the damage done is irreversible

    Red strings swirl in sight
    Clouded view
    Out goes the light…

    Wasn't able to work
    Couldn't handle being confronted
    Being focused on my sight
    By making art… feelings were dealt with

    Red strings swirl in sight
    Clouded view
    Out goes the light…

    Fear, panic, despair, hopeless and furious
    While treatments failed
    Couldn't handle it
    Terrified off losing….Suicide? Yes!

    Red strings swirl in sight
    Clouded view
    Out goes the light…

    In despair…
    Stop feeling... or go down
    Try to survive, grabbing onto live
    Feelings deep inside vaulted behind bars

    Red strings swirl in sight
    Clouded view
    Out goes the light…

    Survive, survive, survive…
    All of this to survive…
    The emotional storm hidden inside
    Thrown away the prison key
    Cause what is there to see?

    Red strings swirl in sight
    Clouded view
    Out goes the light…

    Still Alive, in loss of all depth
    Amazing fear is what remained
    But feeling is healing…art using as crowbar,
    I begin to feel again, I begin to live again

    Red strings swirl in sight
    Clouded view
    Out goes the light…
    Post edited by Aafke on
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    Roaring fire...

    image
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    Always

    Always on the lookout
    Always insecure
    Always expecting bad things to happen
    Always fucking up
    It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy
    Why do I find it so difficult to break this chain?
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    edited February 2014
    Always on the lookout
    Always on the side
    Observing
    Always in hiding

    image...

    Post edited by Aafke on
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
  • AafkeAafke Posts: 1,219
    The Storm Whirling Inside

    image
    Waves_zps6b028461.jpg
    "The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed".- Carl Jung.
    "Art does not reproduce what we see; rather, it makes us see."- Paul Klee
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