and what if those people you reached out to and connected with that you really thought were the keepers turn out to be the ones that disappoint you the most? what if when you need them the most they turn their back on you and drop you in a deeper hole than you were in when you sought a foothold?
itll come as no surprise to anyone that thinks they even remotely know me that im not a people person.. so when I reach out its gotta be serious and im legitimate in what im looking for. but you know after a while and so many slaps in the face you gotta know that the effort becomes too much. sure you look forward to events and try to occupy yourself with activities to stay the crushing solitude.. but what if it becomes too much? what if you just cant be bothered anymore?
That's part of the deal though...investing ourselves in others, reaching out, loving...comes with the risk of being hurt or disappointed. I've fallen short of the expectations of those who mean the most to me, and vice versa. I guess it's about the degree of that letdown and how much can be forgiven or forgotten.
But, as much heartache or soulache or anythingache comes (and it always does), so too does the opposite, whether it's intentionally sought out or via happenstance.
Four Agreements was a good read, by the way - for me, not so much in the rainbow/unicorn sense, but in an eye-opening one, toward myself.
...
As others have said, this time alone all depends on how you deal with it. Will you let feelings of isolation break you down or will you look inwards to find yourself. And trust me... I would rather be alone with time for introspective reflection of who I am and what I am, than in the company of fools.
I found that once I became comfortable in who I am and what I am made of... it didn't matter if I was alone or amonsgst friends. I learned that the character of your friends matter and I am pretty good at editing out those negative influences on me. I have little or no tolerance for fabricated drama... and fabricated drama is what you find in abundance in crowds of people. I don't have a lot of friends.. but, the ones i do have... I truely trust and respect.
Anyway... I know it dosen't really matter what I say... it is all on what you do with the time you have. I don't waste it away believing an imaginary world of happiness exists for everyone except you. You have to take action... those great people out there that will become your friends for life are not going to find you if you sit in isolation all day.
the more you post in threads like these the more I think you are me. it's bizarre.
Gimli 1993
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
...
And trust me... I would rather be alone with time for introspective reflection of who I am and what I am, than in the company of fools.
I found that once I became comfortable in who I am and what I am made of... it didn't matter if I was alone or amonsgst friends. I learned that the character of your friends matter and I am pretty good at editing out those negative influences on me. I have little or no tolerance for fabricated drama... and fabricated drama is what you find in abundance in crowds of people. I don't have a lot of friends.. but, the ones i do have... I truely trust and respect.
I can't stress enough Cosmo's words as truth, at least for me. I spent from the age of about 17 all the way up to 35 or so hanging out with this poisonous group of people. it took me a long time to realize that, even though I shared a lot of memories and fun times with these people, ultimately they were damaging to my inner self. maybe they are good for others, but they were not good for me. I had to let go, and I'm an extremely nostalgic person, so that was extremely difficult, to basically throw away the time of my life whose memories I thought would bring me joy for the rest of my life. But I haven't spoken to any of them in over 3 years, and I don't have a lot of friends, as Cosmo said, but the ones I do have, I share a positive spirit with. I do no regret leaving these people behind one bit.
that alone made a world of difference. I suffer from depression. have since my mid 20's. when I finally ended a toxic 5 year relationship, I slowly became comfortable in my own skin, and enjoyed MYSELF. I enjoyed alone time. I actually relished it. And I still do (although, I do miss my girls when they aren't around!). But you get what I mean.
Take care.
Paul
Gimli 1993
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
and what if those people you reached out to and connected with that you really thought were the keepers turn out to be the ones that disappoint you the most? what if when you need them the most they turn their back on you and drop you in a deeper hole than you were in when you sought a foothold?
itll come as no surprise to anyone that thinks they even remotely know me that im not a people person.. so when I reach out its gotta be serious and im legitimate in what im looking for. but you know after a while and so many slaps in the face you gotta know that the effort becomes too much. sure you look forward to events and try to occupy yourself with activities to stay the crushing solitude.. but what if it becomes too much? what if you just cant be bothered anymore?
That's part of the deal though...investing ourselves in others, reaching out, loving...comes with the risk of being hurt or disappointed. I've fallen short of the expectations of those who mean the most to me, and vice versa. I guess it's about the degree of that letdown and how much can be forgiven or forgotten.
But, as much heartache or soulache or anythingache comes (and it always does), so too does the opposite, whether it's intentionally sought out or via happenstance.
Four Agreements was a good read, by the way - for me, not so much in the rainbow/unicorn sense, but in an eye-opening one, toward myself.
well heres the thing... I dont think I mean anything to anyone. I vacillate between being an intensely private person to breaking down so much that all I can do is reach out in hope only to have that thrown back in my face. my soul aches and I cant forget. what I want is not to be here but my stubbornness and some stupid glimmer of hope is all that keeps me present. and tbh im losing my grip on that reasoning.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
That's part of the deal though...investing ourselves in others, reaching out, loving...comes with the risk of being hurt or disappointed. I've fallen short of the expectations of those who mean the most to me, and vice versa. I guess it's about the degree of that letdown and how much can be forgiven or forgotten.
But, as much heartache or soulache or anythingache comes (and it always does), so too does the opposite, whether it's intentionally sought out or via happenstance.
Four Agreements was a good read, by the way - for me, not so much in the rainbow/unicorn sense, but in an eye-opening one, toward myself.
well heres the thing... I dont think I mean anything to anyone. I vacillate between being an intensely private person to breaking down so much that all I can do is reach out in hope only to have that thrown back in my face. my soul aches and I cant forget. what I want is not to be here but my stubbornness and some stupid glimmer of hope is all that keeps me present. and tbh im losing my grip on that reasoning.
Maybe you think you don't, but - at least what I know of you via your posts - I'd bet you do.
What propels your stubbornness and hope? Your location shows "home sweet home" - for someone who has travelled extensively, how can you not reach out - or regret doing so - in the most basic sense? Maybe that's a start - a different, not-so-tenuous grip.
I don't know and certainly don't have answers...but, I don't believe vulnerability is necessarily a shortcoming.
well heres the thing... I dont think I mean anything to anyone. I vacillate between being an intensely private person to breaking down so much that all I can do is reach out in hope only to have that thrown back in my face. my soul aches and I cant forget. what I want is not to be here but my stubbornness and some stupid glimmer of hope is all that keeps me present. and tbh im losing my grip on that reasoning.
This seems odd coming from you. You’re a good conversationalist in your postings, so I can’t image that doesn’t carry over person-to-person.
You’re good at give and take, in your postings, so again, I don’t see the despair.
Here’s the thing, you should only be you. Seeking constant validation from others is like seeking perfection, it’s not going to happen. No one is perfect, the world is not perfect, religion is not perfect, our friends aren’t perfect; our families aren’t perfect, even our love ones are not perfect.
Have you ever found yourself smiling about something good you did and no one even said thank you or acknowledged your effort? Guess what, that smile was your acknowledgement and no one can take that from you.
Don’t keep looking for signs that you mean something to other people, find meaning in yourself and you will begin to attract kindering spirts.
SIN EATERS--We take the moral excrement we find in this equation and we bury it down deep inside of us so that the rest of our case can stay pure. That is the job. We are morally indefensible and absolutely necessary.
thank you to those who sent me positive words but I know what comes my way and I know how I deal with it. sure im a good conversationalist.. and yes im an excellent friend to those who need one.. however that doesn't mean its reciprocated. and yet reciprocity isn't why I support those that I do.. however itd be nice if when I needed that support, it was forthcoming. you know a few years ago someone very close to me asked me if I thought I was dysfunctional.. I remember getting defensive and instinctly replying no. but even as I was refuting the claim, I knew It was true. I am dysfunctional and despite me knowing how to function in the 'real' world I know that when I do it doesn't necessarily reflect what it is I believe in my soul. I do what I do because I want to.. and I don't regret my actions. what I regret is my ability to be drawn to dysfunctional people who don't seem to be able to be there for me the way im there for them. but even as I think about that it doesn't even feel like much of a regret.. I don't know what it feels like.... and I think that is my problem.
Post edited by catefrances on
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
That's part of the deal though...investing ourselves in others, reaching out, loving...comes with the risk of being hurt or disappointed. I've fallen short of the expectations of those who mean the most to me, and vice versa. I guess it's about the degree of that letdown and how much can be forgiven or forgotten.
But, as much heartache or soulache or anythingache comes (and it always does), so too does the opposite, whether it's intentionally sought out or via happenstance.
Four Agreements was a good read, by the way - for me, not so much in the rainbow/unicorn sense, but in an eye-opening one, toward myself.
well heres the thing... I dont think I mean anything to anyone. I vacillate between being an intensely private person to breaking down so much that all I can do is reach out in hope only to have that thrown back in my face. my soul aches and I cant forget. what I want is not to be here but my stubbornness and some stupid glimmer of hope is all that keeps me present. and tbh im losing my grip on that reasoning.
Maybe you think you don't, but - at least what I know of you via your posts - I'd bet you do.
What propels your stubbornness and hope? Your location shows "home sweet home" - for someone who has travelled extensively, how can you not reach out - or regret doing so - in the most basic sense? Maybe that's a start - a different, not-so-tenuous grip.
I don't know and certainly don't have answers...but, I don't believe vulnerability is necessarily a shortcoming.
id been travelling overseas for 4/5 weeks.. that's where my location as home(sweet home) comes from. and it wasn't entirely without irony. and yes I agree.. vulnerability isn't necessarily a shortcoming but when those you care about don't even care enougb to ask how youre doing.. or slam you for reaching out.. that's where the problem lies. and I am fully aware that if this is the case then I should distance myself from said people.. yet still I understand that if I do then I have isolated myself so successfully that their absence would be crushing.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
Comments
But, as much heartache or soulache or anythingache comes (and it always does), so too does the opposite, whether it's intentionally sought out or via happenstance.
Four Agreements was a good read, by the way - for me, not so much in the rainbow/unicorn sense, but in an eye-opening one, toward myself.
the more you post in threads like these the more I think you are me. it's bizarre.
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
I can't stress enough Cosmo's words as truth, at least for me. I spent from the age of about 17 all the way up to 35 or so hanging out with this poisonous group of people. it took me a long time to realize that, even though I shared a lot of memories and fun times with these people, ultimately they were damaging to my inner self. maybe they are good for others, but they were not good for me. I had to let go, and I'm an extremely nostalgic person, so that was extremely difficult, to basically throw away the time of my life whose memories I thought would bring me joy for the rest of my life. But I haven't spoken to any of them in over 3 years, and I don't have a lot of friends, as Cosmo said, but the ones I do have, I share a positive spirit with. I do no regret leaving these people behind one bit.
that alone made a world of difference. I suffer from depression. have since my mid 20's. when I finally ended a toxic 5 year relationship, I slowly became comfortable in my own skin, and enjoyed MYSELF. I enjoyed alone time. I actually relished it. And I still do (although, I do miss my girls when they aren't around!). But you get what I mean.
Take care.
Paul
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
well heres the thing... I dont think I mean anything to anyone. I vacillate between being an intensely private person to breaking down so much that all I can do is reach out in hope only to have that thrown back in my face. my soul aches and I cant forget. what I want is not to be here but my stubbornness and some stupid glimmer of hope is all that keeps me present. and tbh im losing my grip on that reasoning.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
What propels your stubbornness and hope? Your location shows "home sweet home" - for someone who has travelled extensively, how can you not reach out - or regret doing so - in the most basic sense? Maybe that's a start - a different, not-so-tenuous grip.
I don't know and certainly don't have answers...but, I don't believe vulnerability is necessarily a shortcoming.
A stupid glimmer of hope is a wonderful thing.
Typo Man: "Thanks kidz, but remembir, stay in skool!"
This seems odd coming from you. You’re a good conversationalist in your postings, so I can’t image that doesn’t carry over person-to-person.
You’re good at give and take, in your postings, so again, I don’t see the despair.
Here’s the thing, you should only be you. Seeking constant validation from others is like seeking perfection, it’s not going to happen. No one is perfect, the world is not perfect, religion is not perfect, our friends aren’t perfect; our families aren’t perfect, even our love ones are not perfect.
Have you ever found yourself smiling about something good you did and no one even said thank you or acknowledged your effort? Guess what, that smile was your acknowledgement and no one can take that from you.
Don’t keep looking for signs that you mean something to other people, find meaning in yourself and you will begin to attract kindering spirts.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
id been travelling overseas for 4/5 weeks.. that's where my location as home(sweet home) comes from. and it wasn't entirely without irony. and yes I agree.. vulnerability isn't necessarily a shortcoming but when those you care about don't even care enougb to ask how youre doing.. or slam you for reaching out.. that's where the problem lies. and I am fully aware that if this is the case then I should distance myself from said people.. yet still I understand that if I do then I have isolated myself so successfully that their absence would be crushing.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say