What's in a name?

hedonist

So, I filled out most of our marriage license application this morning.

(and have to say, I was surprised at the emotional side of it: the formality of writing in our parent's names, their states of birth - in my case, their countries of birth - knowing neither my father nor his mother won't be there. Plus our going the private and low-key route, no family, much as they would want to be. And we need a witness!)

Well, the name issue has come up more than once.

He would love me to take his name. It's German, like mine.

But, my last name is uncommon and so tied to...ME; I'm pretty much related to anyone who has it as well - the Holocaust ensured that.

So I got to the portion of the application where I would indicate my "new" name and I left it blank. My gut tells me to keep my given name and I'm sure he'd be cool with that. Plus we're not into the hyphenated thing.

Wondering, have you all gone through this? Has it been an issue, has it mattered?

Frankly, I'm just excited to have our civil ceremony and be this man's wife. We've lived as such for thirteen years now and it's time.

(been smiling all weekend!)

Our song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mONH52JZqo4

whygohome

hedonist wrote:

So, I filled out most of our marriage license application this morning.

(and have to say, I was surprised at the emotional side of it: the formality of writing in our parent's names, their states of birth - in my case, their countries of birth - knowing neither my father nor his mother won't be there. Plus our going the private and low-key route, no family, much as they would want to be. And we need a witness!)

Well, the name issue has come up more than once.

He would love me to take his name. It's German, like mine.

But, my last name is uncommon and so tied to...ME; I'm pretty much related to anyone who has it as well - the Holocaust ensured that.

So I got to the portion of the application where I would indicate my "new" name and I left it blank. My gut tells me to keep my given name and I'm sure he'd be cool with that. Plus we're not into the hyphenated thing.

Wondering, have you all gone through this? Has it been an issue, has it mattered?

Frankly, I'm just excited to have our civil ceremony and be this man's wife. We've lived as such for thirteen years now and it's time.

(been smiling all weekend!)

Our song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mONH52JZqo4

My girlfriend and I are, uh, non-traditional I guess. We don't plan on getting married, at least not in the pomp and circumstance sense. There are two general reasons for this:
1. we're not religious
2. We don't want kids.
(3. we have seen friends plan weddings and it seems like an absolute nightmare )

However, if we did get married, I would have no problem with her keeping her name. In fact, I would encourage it, mainly for the reason that she has worked her ass off for a PhD and I would like to see her last name follow "Dr."

That's our take.

Who Princess

Congratulations!

I can only tell you from my experience. My prince and I were married in 1978. It was very uncommon then for women to keep their names. It was more common for women to hyphenate names.

Although I was and am still a feminist, I never really thought about the name change. I knew I didn't want to hyphenate my name, because my name was already l-o-o-o-o-o-o-ng. Also, every woman I know who hyphenated her name ultimately dropped it and used her husband's name.

So I took my husband's name and I quickly found that I hated changing my name! When people would call me by the new name, I would have to stop myself from correcting them. By the time a couple of years had gone by, I really regretted the name change. It wasn't just getting used to being called by another name. I felt like I'd lost something.

I've long since gotten used to it and don't even think about it anymore. But if I could do it over again, I'd keep my name.

That's how it worked for me and it doesn't mean it will be the same for you. Whatever you decide, enjoy your married life!

hedonist

whygohome wrote:

My girlfriend and I are, uh, non-traditional I guess. We don't plan on getting married, at least not in the pomp and circumstance sense. There are two general reasons for this:
1. we're not religious
2. We don't want kids.
(3. we have seen friends plan weddings and it seems like an absolute nightmare )

However, if we did get married, I would have no problem with her keeping her name. In fact, I would encourage it, mainly for the reason that she has worked her ass off for a PhD and I would like to see her last name follow "Dr."

That's our take.

We seem to have that in common on all three counts; I'm not talking about a wedding, as it's never been one of those since-childhood dreams. Anyone who knows us, knows that about us. Just wondering about the familial side of it, as it goes against the grain of our typical family history.

hedonist

Who Princess wrote:

Congratulations!

I can only tell you from my experience. My prince and I were married in 1978. It was very uncommon then for women to keep their names. It was more common for women to hyphenate names.

Although I was and am still a feminist, I never really thought about the name change. I knew I didn't want to hyphenate my name, because my name was already l-o-o-o-o-o-o-ng. Also, every woman I know who hyphenated her name ultimately dropped it and used her husband's name.

So I took my husband's name and I quickly found that I hated changing my name! When people would call me by the new name, I would have to stop myself from correcting them. By the time a couple of years had gone by, I really regretted the name change. It wasn't just getting used to being called by another name. I felt like I'd lost something.

I've long since gotten used to it and don't even think about it anymore. But if I could do it over again, I'd keep my name.

That's how it worked for me and it doesn't mean it will be the same for you. Whatever you decide, enjoy your married life!

Awww, thank you! My name's a loooong one too and feel that I'd have that sense of loss too.

I"m guessing married life won't be all that different from now...but damned if I'm not looking forward to it - good, bad, ugly - I'm in it, and deep

Thanks again for your insight.

whygohome

hedonist wrote:

whygohome wrote:

My girlfriend and I are, uh, non-traditional I guess. We don't plan on getting married, at least not in the pomp and circumstance sense. There are two general reasons for this:
1. we're not religious
2. We don't want kids.
(3. we have seen friends plan weddings and it seems like an absolute nightmare )

However, if we did get married, I would have no problem with her keeping her name. In fact, I would encourage it, mainly for the reason that she has worked her ass off for a PhD and I would like to see her last name follow "Dr."

That's our take.

We seem to have that in common on all three counts; I'm not talking about a wedding, as it's never been one of those since-childhood dreams. Anyone who knows us, knows that about us. Just wondering about the familial side of it, as it goes against the grain of our typical family history.

.

This is what would matter to me if my girlfriend and I disagreed: "But, my last name is uncommon and so tied to...ME"

Who Princess

hedonist wrote:

Awww, thank you! My name's a loooong one too and feel that I'd have that sense of loss too.

I"m guessing married life won't be all that different from now...but damned if I'm not looking forward to it - good, bad, ugly - I'm in it, and deep

Thanks again for your insight.

You're welcome!

I've been married 34 years and I'd say it's a pretty good way to live. :thumbup:

gimmesometruth27

congratulations hedonist!

i can not speak to your dilemma, as i am single and not planning on marriage any time soon, if ever. but i would say to go with your heart. if you are not obligated by law to take his name, then you are not obligated, ya know? i am sure your fiance would understand, but i would worry about being judged by older members of his side of the family. some families are very traditional about such things, some aren't.

i know women who have done it all. some women take the guy's last name without a second thought. some have opted for the hypenated name. and i know one woman who kept her name initially, and then after 4 years of marriage when they thought about having kids, she took his name to make it, in her words, "easier", whatever that means...

good luck!

redrock

When I got married, I was going to continue to go by my name. It's not a common name here and in the end I got a bit fed up having to have official paperwork redone because they couldn't get it right. So I started to go by my married name. A simple one - much easier. Whilst most official, common paperwork is with my married name (eg mortgage), a lot of legal stuff is still in my maiden name. In the UK, I am known under my married name but in other countries, it's my maiden name.

I am who I am - no name change will change that!

hedonist

gimmesometruth27 wrote:

congratulations hedonist!

i can not speak to your dilemma, as i am single and not planning on marriage any time soon, if ever. but i would say to go with your heart. if you are not obligated by law to take his name, then you are not obligated, ya know? i am sure your fiance would understand, but i would worry about being judged by older members of his side of the family. some families are very traditional about such things, some aren't.

i know women who have done it all. some women take the guy's last name without a second thought. some have opted for the hypenated name. and i know one woman who kept her name initially, and then after 4 years of marriage when they thought about having kids, she took his name to make it, in her words, "easier", whatever that means...

good luck!

Thanks, sir! Going with my heart (and gut) has done me well so far, so I'm gonna continue on that road.

Yeah, HE gets it for the most part - family's another thing (mine moreso than his, given traditions *shakes fist*) - but yes...in the end, it's our thing.

Ours. (makes me smile!)

Hope you all are having a fine Sunday along with us.

Loulou

Congratulations!!!
My husband and I got married after 10 years and had no interest in having heaps of people there, some of our family are kind of crazy too. :? It was really nice, more personal and about us rather than worrying about everyone else. It didn't bother me to take his name, my father was never really a big part of my life. I think if it makes you feel very sad to lose that part of your name, you should keep it. Hope you have a lovely day and wish you all the best for the future.

hedonist

redrock wrote:

When I got married, I was going to continue to go by my name. It's not a common name here and in the end I got a bit fed up having to have official paperwork redone because they couldn't get it right. So I started to go by my married name. A simple one - much easier. Whilst most official, common paperwork is with my married name (eg mortgage), a lot of legal stuff is still in my maiden name. In the UK, I am known under my married name but in other countries, it's my maiden name.

I am who I am - no name change will change that!

On your last part, yes!! A rose, etc.

And it's how I feel at the core.

Funny, we're listening to a live version of Thin Air right now.

"how to be happy and true, it's a quest we're taking on together"

And that really is the essence of it

hedonist

Loulou wrote:

Congratulations!!!
My husband and I got married after 10 years and had no interest in having heaps of people there, some of our family are kind of crazy too. :? It was really nice, more personal and about us rather than worrying about everyone else. It didn't bother me to take his name, my father was never really a big part of my life. I think if it makes you feel very sad to lose that part of your name, you should keep it. Hope you have a lovely day and wish you all the best for the future.

Thanks, Loulou! I too see it as more of an US thing.

You have a beautiful day (night now there?) as well.

(music-wise, I have now cranked up "Women in Love" - go, DLR! )

This life is something else.

Prince Of Dorkness

We both kept our names. I've always felt that was a rather odd thing... to change your last name like you'd been sold.

Godfather.

congrats !and I wish you both a long and happy life together.
what ever you deside your name will always be yours and the love of your family will not change either way.

Godfather.

comebackgirl

I had wanted to change my last name my entire life...I don't have any relationship with my biological father and I didn't want to carry his name. I took my ex-husband's name when we got married at 22 and I've kept that name after our divorce and did not take Zoso's name when we got married. This is the name I've had most of my adult life and it's just me...it's the person I've grown into and I don't want to change it. I have a good relationship with my ex and he and Zoso are both fine with me keeping it, so I'm sticking with it.

hedonist

Thank you, GF! ...and CBG, I hear ya too. Sounds like a good place to be.

For me, I don't take it as a "sold" thing, but I do see it as a loss of sorts.

There's a beautiful speech from an episode of Thirtysomething, about the "chain", how it's kept going, and how/if we choose to break it. More related to Judaism but still applies, in terms of tradition, of carrying it on.

And, I just can't (and don't want to) break it, even though in this sense it's a kind of backward chain. Keeping my name rather than taking his.

We know that in the end, it has no bearing on the commitment itself.

(it's allll right)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwqhdRs4jyA

whygohome

hedonist wrote:

Thank you, GF! ...and CBG, I hear ya too. Sounds like a good place to be.

For me, I don't take it as a "sold" thing, but I do see it as a loss of sorts.

There's a beautiful speech from an episode of Thirtysomething, about the "chain", how it's kept going, and how/if we choose to break it. More related to Judaism but still applies, in terms of tradition, of carrying it on.

And, I just can't (and don't want to) break it, even though in this sense it's a kind of backward chain. Keeping my name rather than taking his.

We know that in the end, it has no bearing on the commitment itself.

(it's allll right)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwqhdRs4jyA

This might be the greatest post ever:

A thirtysomething reference and The Traveling Wilburys!!

redrock

hedonist wrote:

"how to be happy and true, it's a quest we're taking on together"

And that really is the essence of it

Jason P

Pick the last name that sounds cooler. :geek:

hedonist

They both meet the requirement...but I like mine better :P