What's in a name?
hedonist
Posts: 24,524
So, I filled out most of our marriage license application this morning.
(and have to say, I was surprised at the emotional side of it: the formality of writing in our parent's names, their states of birth - in my case, their countries of birth - knowing neither my father nor his mother won't be there. Plus our going the private and low-key route, no family, much as they would want to be. And we need a witness!)
Well, the name issue has come up more than once.
He would love me to take his name. It's German, like mine.
But, my last name is uncommon and so tied to...ME; I'm pretty much related to anyone who has it as well - the Holocaust ensured that.
So I got to the portion of the application where I would indicate my "new" name and I left it blank. My gut tells me to keep my given name and I'm sure he'd be cool with that. Plus we're not into the hyphenated thing.
Wondering, have you all gone through this? Has it been an issue, has it mattered?
Frankly, I'm just excited to have our civil ceremony and be this man's wife. We've lived as such for thirteen years now and it's time.
(been smiling all weekend!)
Our song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mONH52JZqo4
(and have to say, I was surprised at the emotional side of it: the formality of writing in our parent's names, their states of birth - in my case, their countries of birth - knowing neither my father nor his mother won't be there. Plus our going the private and low-key route, no family, much as they would want to be. And we need a witness!)
Well, the name issue has come up more than once.
He would love me to take his name. It's German, like mine.
But, my last name is uncommon and so tied to...ME; I'm pretty much related to anyone who has it as well - the Holocaust ensured that.
So I got to the portion of the application where I would indicate my "new" name and I left it blank. My gut tells me to keep my given name and I'm sure he'd be cool with that. Plus we're not into the hyphenated thing.
Wondering, have you all gone through this? Has it been an issue, has it mattered?
Frankly, I'm just excited to have our civil ceremony and be this man's wife. We've lived as such for thirteen years now and it's time.
(been smiling all weekend!)
Our song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mONH52JZqo4
Post edited by Unknown User on
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My girlfriend and I are, uh, non-traditional I guess. We don't plan on getting married, at least not in the pomp and circumstance sense. There are two general reasons for this:
1. we're not religious
2. We don't want kids.
(3. we have seen friends plan weddings and it seems like an absolute nightmare
However, if we did get married, I would have no problem with her keeping her name. In fact, I would encourage it, mainly for the reason that she has worked her ass off for a PhD and I would like to see her last name follow "Dr."
That's our take.
I can only tell you from my experience. My prince and I were married in 1978. It was very uncommon then for women to keep their names. It was more common for women to hyphenate names.
Although I was and am still a feminist, I never really thought about the name change. I knew I didn't want to hyphenate my name, because my name was already l-o-o-o-o-o-o-ng. Also, every woman I know who hyphenated her name ultimately dropped it and used her husband's name.
So I took my husband's name and I quickly found that I hated changing my name! When people would call me by the new name, I would have to stop myself from correcting them. By the time a couple of years had gone by, I really regretted the name change. It wasn't just getting used to being called by another name. I felt like I'd lost something.
I've long since gotten used to it and don't even think about it anymore. But if I could do it over again, I'd keep my name.
That's how it worked for me and it doesn't mean it will be the same for you. Whatever you decide, enjoy your married life!
I"m guessing married life won't be all that different from now...but damned if I'm not looking forward to it - good, bad, ugly - I'm in it, and deep
Thanks again for your insight.
.
This is what would matter to me if my girlfriend and I disagreed: "But, my last name is uncommon and so tied to...ME"
I've been married 34 years and I'd say it's a pretty good way to live. :thumbup:
i can not speak to your dilemma, as i am single and not planning on marriage any time soon, if ever. but i would say to go with your heart. if you are not obligated by law to take his name, then you are not obligated, ya know? i am sure your fiance would understand, but i would worry about being judged by older members of his side of the family. some families are very traditional about such things, some aren't.
i know women who have done it all. some women take the guy's last name without a second thought. some have opted for the hypenated name. and i know one woman who kept her name initially, and then after 4 years of marriage when they thought about having kids, she took his name to make it, in her words, "easier", whatever that means...
good luck!
"Well, you tell him that I don't talk to suckas."
I am who I am - no name change will change that!
Yeah, HE gets it for the most part - family's another thing (mine moreso than his, given traditions *shakes fist*) - but yes...in the end, it's our thing.
Ours. (makes me smile!)
Hope you all are having a fine Sunday along with us.
My husband and I got married after 10 years and had no interest in having heaps of people there, some of our family are kind of crazy too. :? It was really nice, more personal and about us rather than worrying about everyone else. It didn't bother me to take his name, my father was never really a big part of my life. I think if it makes you feel very sad to lose that part of your name, you should keep it.
Adelaide 1998
Adelaide 2003
Adelaide 2006 night 1
Adelaide 2006 night 2
Adelaide 2009
Melbourne 2009
Christchurch NZ 2009
Eddie Vedder, Adelaide 2011
PJ20 USA 2011 night 1
PJ20 USA 2011 night 2
Adelaide BIG DAY OUT 2014
And it's how I feel at the core.
Funny, we're listening to a live version of Thin Air right now.
"how to be happy and true, it's a quest we're taking on together"
And that really is the essence of it
You have a beautiful day (night now there?) as well.
(music-wise, I have now cranked up "Women in Love" - go, DLR!
This life is something else.
what ever you deside your name will always be yours and the love of your family will not change either way.
Godfather.
"I need your strength for me to be strong...I need your love to feel loved"
For me, I don't take it as a "sold" thing, but I do see it as a loss of sorts.
There's a beautiful speech from an episode of Thirtysomething, about the "chain", how it's kept going, and how/if we choose to break it. More related to Judaism but still applies, in terms of tradition, of carrying it on.
And, I just can't (and don't want to) break it, even though in this sense it's a kind of backward chain. Keeping my name rather than taking his.
We know that in the end, it has no bearing on the commitment itself.
(it's allll right)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwqhdRs4jyA
This might be the greatest post ever:
A thirtysomething reference and The Traveling Wilburys!!
"I need your strength for me to be strong...I need your love to feel loved"
it was part of the commitment and dedication ...
it was important to me also that our children had a family name as that was not
something I enjoyed growing up.
and yes congratulations! Happy times indeed!
And pandora as well! I find comfort in some traditions (the ones that make sense to me), but in terms of the name-taking reflecting my commitment, well...it's evident to us in the life we've lived - are living, will continue to live - together
I image-googled Van Pelt and came up with this:
The fuck, Mr. P? :P
Agreed that the Mentalist chick is significantly more rawr!-worthy
1. The original purpose behind wives talking their husbands' names was to dissolve their identities & create new identities that define them only in relation to their husbands. (Because she went from being her Father's property to being her husband's property.) (Kind of like how they used to say, "I now pronounce you man and wife" instead of "husband and wife". "Man" is an individual identity that is not defined by another person. The identity of "wife," however, defines a woman entirely on the basis of her relationship to her husband.) Now people will say it's about commitment - but yet the husbands still don't have to change their identities to show their commitment. Anyway, I don't like the idea that my identity up until now should be dissolved & replaced entirely by being defined in relation to my husband.
2. I've seen it cause a lot of problems paperwork-wise.