The power of the word "NO"

Thoughts_Arrive

If only I could learn to use this word.
Too often do I get pressured to go to places on Friday/Saturday nights by my friend, places which I do not like going to.
I feel bad saying NO, I get pressured and made to feel bad or like I will lose the friendship.
It put unwanted pressure on me every weekend, he usually drags me along to nightclubs which I do not like, a) the people there are gym junky tough guys and the girls out of my league and different to what I am b) they are overly dressy, I ain't got clothes like that c) I don't enjoy house and rnb music

This past Saturday night he said ''we are going to ______ next Sat night", looking up the photo's of this venue on Facebook already makes me dread it. Pressure and anxiety leading up to next weekend.

What are some strategies to get out of situations like this without sounding like an asshole who does not want to socialize with someone.

And the same applies at work, being asked to get on a ladder to swap over lights when it isn't my job to do so, then getting zapped because there was a fault in the wiring.

Or being refused annual leave I am entitled to and just accepting my boss's decision.

I need to know how to say NOOOO!

I am such a mess.
Too nice and outcast from ''normal'' social scenes.

AzWicker

People who want you to go to places that you "dread", I would not define them as friends. Find different friends. Their are plenty people who dread nighclubs.

Thoughts_Arrive

AzWicker wrote:

People who want you to go to places that you "dread", I would not define them as friends. Find different friends. Their are plenty people who dread nighclubs.

I find it hard to meet people.
I have one friend who is likeminded and into the same thing I am, we catch up here and there.
Apart from him, the rest (not really friends anymore) are into scenes I dislike.

iamwishingyouawell

The question is how really alike are the two of you? You have to realize Thoughts_Arrive that people grow and sometimes branch off like a river flowing to unique places with a common past, but no future. You sound like someone that isn't into the physical trappings of life e.g. looks that will fade, scantly dressed women, anything commonplace and banal. Trace back to how you made this friend and reevaluate what the relationship means to you both now. Something someone should be constantly doing in all relationships.

Best way to handle the situation IMHO would be to tell them the truth about your interests and that you don't like the clubs. If they're you're friend they'll find other things to do with you socially, and if not then you weren't meant to keep hanging out. Like people getting a divorce, or death...it's not good or bad life, it's just life and your flow with it or against it. Unlike Facebook, life was not designed so everyone you meet should know you your whole life.

I have one close friend and he lives 2 states away. I have learned the value of quality vs. quantity. Knowing and loving yourself in a healthy manner helps too. Means you can love being by yourself and having alone time. Better to be alone then suffer the company of fools.

Peace & best of luck my friend.

Shannon

Jamminonthe1

My solution was getting married and having two kids - no one expects you to do anything

Loulou

This friend shouldn't expect you to only do the things he wants to do, I don't think that's fair. I think if you start doing things that interest YOU more, you'll probably find that you'll meet more people like yourself. You shouldn't think of any women being 'out of your league'. You seem like a really nice person and if any woman says that to you, she's a jerk.

DinghyDog

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Thoughts_Arrive

iamwishingyouawell wrote:

Trace back to how you made this friend and reevaluate what the relationship means to you both now. Something someone should be constantly doing in all relationships.
Shannon

We've known each other our whole lives, my parents and his parents are friends, and my aunty and uncle are friends to his parents. :?

Thank you for your words of wisdom.

Thoughts_Arrive

Jamminonthe1 wrote:

My solution was getting married and having two kids - no one expects you to do anything

Haha I wish.

Thoughts_Arrive

Loulou wrote:

This friend shouldn't expect you to only do the things he wants to do, I don't think that's fair. I think if you start doing things that interest YOU more, you'll probably find that you'll meet more people like yourself. You shouldn't think of any women being 'out of your league'. You seem like a really nice person and if any woman says that to you, she's a jerk.

Thank you.

Thoughts_Arrive

DinghyDog wrote:

I agree with Iamwishingyouawell. Tell your friend that you not really interested in going clubbing. Ask if he wants to catch up with you to do something else (have an offer ready like going out for coffee or to play soccer or what ever it is that might be of interest to you). If he doesn't, he doesn't. You might find the friendship just fades out, but don't worry too much, you will find others. You sound like the kind of person I'd like to hang out with, and I'm sure many other people feel the same way.

I lived in Melbourne for 2 years, and it is a great place with many opportunities to do the things you want. Be brave and go out by yourself to see a band or get involved in some hobby or club you might enjoy and you will meet like minded people who will become your friend. Making friends is a bit like getting pretty hair by using Pantene, it won't happen over night, but it will happen.

Thank you.
It is hard to find like minded artistic people who have some intelligence.
I find conversation with your "normal cool crowd" type of people boring and depressing, "you go gym" "you into hotted up cars" or some sexist remark like "I wanna fuck that bitch up the ass".
Better to be alone than with fools.
Melbourne is becoming a violent shit hole btw.

SD48277

I used to suffer from the inability to say no, also. That meant that I was always asked to do all the crappy tasks at my job, would go with friends to places that were not really me, and hang out with people who were mind-numbingly boring (to me, at least). I ended up angry and resentful. One day I had enough. Life is too short to be miserable. I wasn't a jerk about it, but I did start telling people, "I think I'll pass." Life is much better. You are too cool a person to be unhappy. Just say no.

Sprunkn7

Learn to be honest with your friends. Not an easy thing to do but ohhhhhh, the weight of unease will be lifted. When I first started saying "no" I was adding excuses onto it. Like, No sorry I can't, I'll be doing something with my family or I already made plans blah blah blah. After a while I got sick of the white lies and just said , no I just don't want to. Explain once, thats all it should take.. try to say it in a way where they won't feel bad....with the clubs it should be easy. You can list the things you mentioned above, not into the music, not really your crowd. Tell your friend you just are not into it.

I have plenty of friends that I used to do so many things with that I just didn't want to, but we are all still friends, maybe see each other a little less but thats ok. I feel much better about staying in on Friday night and doing my laundry. And I found some new friends along the way.

Real friends will understand. It can be hard to have faith in that, but try!

Thoughts_Arrive

What makes it hard is my friend has a few friends and I am the one he sees most often, kinda feel bad saying no and leaving him alone home, he seems down at times. But then again when he had a girlfriend he hardly ever called me. :?

Thoughts_Arrive

Even my work colleague told me that I don't know the word no and should use it when my boss refuses leave or makes me do dangerous jobs in the office.

I guess I am just too nice and too soft of a guy.

One asshole at my old workplace said to another asshole that I am a pushover and they'll get me to do it, I heard them.

Thoughts_Arrive

Sprunkn7 wrote:

Learn to be honest with your friends. Not an easy thing to do but ohhhhhh, the weight of unease will be lifted. When I first started saying "no" I was adding excuses onto it. Like, No sorry I can't, I'll be doing something with my family or I already made plans blah blah blah. After a while I got sick of the white lies and just said , no I just don't want to. Explain once, thats all it should take.. try to say it in a way where they won't feel bad....with the clubs it should be easy. You can list the things you mentioned above, not into the music, not really your crowd. Tell your friend you just are not into it.

I have plenty of friends that I used to do so many things with that I just didn't want to, but we are all still friends, maybe see each other a little less but thats ok. I feel much better about staying in on Friday night and doing my laundry. And I found some new friends along the way.

Real friends will understand. It can be hard to have faith in that, but try!

He pressures me because he wants to find a girlfriend before it is too late (he is 28 soon).
And says I will never meet anyone if I don't put myself out there at clubs.
I've never liked the idea of "hunting" for a girlfriend at a club, can't even hear myself in there.
And he is against internet dating sites, seeing he has had a few very bad experiences with psycho's.

Constant pressure in life, at work then on the weekends.

pjfan31

Can I have a hundred bucks?

Thoughts_Arrive

pjfan31 wrote:

Can I have a hundred bucks?

Yes.

pjfan31

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

pjfan31 wrote:

Can I have a hundred bucks?

Yes.

Sweet... love that you can't say no...

conman

didn't you start this exact same thread a while back?

Sprunkn7

conman wrote:

didn't you start this exact same thread a while back?

whatever the answer is just say no....

Thoughts_Arrive

conman wrote:

didn't you start this exact same thread a while back?

Maybe not.

pandora

Just say no one time and you will see how easy that is.
Then be choosy with it.

This is a problem for the young, most older people have learned to say no ...
it is self preservation.

Along with your no comes an explanation as to why,
then that should help to avoid having to say no again for the same reason
to the same person.

Your friend needs you though for the nightclubing, perhaps a compromise can be made.

You just never know ...
there may be a certain someone who is being dragged there also, just like you
and you find each other ...

I am a hopeless romantic.

Trust in your path and roll with it, one day you'll look back and see how it fits,
the good and the not so good.

Thoughts_Arrive

Everytime I go clubbing I get depressed, the music sucks, the girls are not interesting, overly materialistic and stuck up and end up being wooed by assholes.
Plus nightclubs attract thugs and fights occur.
Every time I've gone to a rock place everyone is friendly, you bump into someone both apologies.
At clubs you get your head kicked in.

-Emma-

If you still want to be friends with this person then I think you should just start suggesting other alternative things that you could do together that you would both enjoy.

Eg. If your friend tells you that you're going to a club, then just be honest and say that you really don't enjoy going to clubs and you would rather do A, B or C instead (eg. go and see a band, go to the movies, have a drink at a pub instead). You don't need to feel guilty, and if you can find things that you both enjoy, then surely this would be better than just going to wherever your friend wants to go. If you don't speak up for yourself and he is more of a dominant person, then he will just continue to invite you out to places where you don't feel comfortable.

At work as well, if you are being asked to do something that isn't your responsibility and is dangerous, then please speak up for yourself. Eg. "I'm actually not responsible for that, Pete the electrician is, can I give him a call for you/would you like his number?"

With your annual leave, perhaps you could have a read through your contract and contact somewhere like Fair Work Australia for advice (http://www.fwa.gov.au/). Or join a union if you are having ongoing problems at work, then you would have somewhere to turn to for advice if needed.

Lastly, you sound like a nice and genuine person. Not everyone is a naturally dominant person, so don't feel like you have to change who you are. Just try and speak up for yourself if people aren't treating you well though!

Thoughts_Arrive

-Emma- wrote:

If you still want to be friends with this person then I think you should just start suggesting other alternative things that you could do together that you would both enjoy.

Eg. If your friend tells you that you're going to a club, then just be honest and say that you really don't enjoy going to clubs and you would rather do A, B or C instead (eg. go and see a band, go to the movies, have a drink at a pub instead). You don't need to feel guilty, and if you can find things that you both enjoy, then surely this would be better than just going to wherever your friend wants to go. If you don't speak up for yourself and he is more of a dominant person, then he will just continue to invite you out to places where you don't feel comfortable.

At work as well, if you are being asked to do something that isn't your responsibility and is dangerous, then please speak up for yourself. Eg. "I'm actually not responsible for that, Pete the electrician is, can I give him a call for you/would you like his number?"

With your annual leave, perhaps you could have a read through your contract and contact somewhere like Fair Work Australia for advice (http://www.fwa.gov.au/). Or join a union if you are having ongoing problems at work, then you would have somewhere to turn to for advice if needed.

Lastly, you sound like a nice and genuine person. Not everyone is a naturally dominant person, so don't feel like you have to change who you are. Just try and speak up for yourself if people aren't treating you well though!

Thank you.
With the work thing, leave always get knocked back, I only ever ask for one day off, then it gets questioned, why do you need the day off, I always have to explain why then the boss tells me I don't need days off for what I want days off for (medical appointments or car servicing). Yet others in the office take weeks off for holidays. It's bullshit, looking to change career's anyways.

DinghyDog

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Thoughts_Arrive

DinghyDog wrote:

Thoughts_Arrive wrote:

DinghyDog wrote:

I agree with Iamwishingyouawell. Tell your friend that you not really interested in going clubbing. Ask if he wants to catch up with you to do something else (have an offer ready like going out for coffee or to play soccer or what ever it is that might be of interest to you). If he doesn't, he doesn't. You might find the friendship just fades out, but don't worry too much, you will find others. You sound like the kind of person I'd like to hang out with, and I'm sure many other people feel the same way.

I lived in Melbourne for 2 years, and it is a great place with many opportunities to do the things you want. Be brave and go out by yourself to see a band or get involved in some hobby or club you might enjoy and you will meet like minded people who will become your friend. Making friends is a bit like getting pretty hair by using Pantene, it won't happen over night, but it will happen.

Thank you.
It is hard to find like minded artistic people who have some intelligence.
I find conversation with your "normal cool crowd" type of people boring and depressing, "you go gym" "you into hotted up cars" or some sexist remark like "I wanna fuck that bitch up the ass".
Better to be alone than with fools.
Melbourne is becoming a violent shit hole btw.

Sounds like you're hanging out with the wrong crowd. Go see a local band play at a pub and enjoy yourself. What kind of music do you like?

Is this guy of any interest to you? He's in Melbourne and plays around the place quite regularly...
http://soundcloud.com/chasingghosts

I don't hang out with crowds, I end up surrounded by clubbing types, don't know them.
I've drifted off from people I used to hang with back 10 years ago, people who were friends, they've stayed with the clubbing and gone into gym and I'm not into that so I never go out with them, they've pretty much turned their backs on me for me not going clubbing with them. I was young then, I now am not prepared to fake having a good time out.

I am more into punk rock and punk rock inspired rock.
It's okay the songs, more into something heavier but.