Kids and alcohol

stardust1976

So my 14 year old daughter comes home from school today and happily starts talking about a few of her close friends who have birthdays coming up soon. They will be turning 15, she is 14 and a half. The conversation kind of goes like this..."She's having an all girl party, it's a sleepover and there will be drinks there". I kind of did a double take (after all , you don't expect to hear 'drinks' in any alcoholic meaning from a 14 year old, right?) So I said "drinks? Like, alcoholic?" She nodded and said yes. I was fairly dumbfounded and wanted some more information.
So it turns out that the said friend's mother advised said friend that she could have alcoholic punch and other drinks at her party provided she got the permission from parents. So basically, she had to state on the invite that there would be alcohol. I said "no, not happening...I'm sorry, but you won't be going". She said that another friend wasn't allowed to drink so she wouldn't be, and that her best friend WAS allowed, but only one drink. The ensuing conversation went back and forth between me telling her that it's not her I don't trust, and her saying she won't drink. (and it's not her I don't trust - I know she has every intention of not drinking, it's her friends and her friend's mother! )And she might start out the night intending to remain completely sober, however how do any of us know if the mother will actually provide supervision (after all, she is letting 14 year olds drink, and is happy having the older sister's boyfriend live with them at their house, so clearly trying to be a friend not a parent), and how do we know if her friends will switch her drinks? What about peer pressure? That's enormous at that age, I get it. Her awesomely honest intentions have every chance to be sidetracked through no fault of her own.

I also have found out tonight that it's actually perfectly legal here to supply a minor with alcohol in your own home, so long as you have their parent or guardian's permission. Am I the only one who thinks this is absolutely NUTS???!!!!! I'm sorry, but a 14 year old does not have the maturity required to cope with drinking alcohol. Most 18 year olds don't either, but the damage to a brain that young is too great to risk in my opinion.

I have absolutely no intention of backing down on my decision and she has taken it with very good grace actually - none of the usual temper tantrums - she was just really sad. Her friends have all said that they will be having alcohol at their parties as well. So she will therefore be excluded from them. I know this doesn't make me a bad mother, just the opposite, but surely I am not the only one who is appalled at the idea that we need to speed up their growing up so much? Don't they have plenty of time to grow up and experience things, without giving in to their demands to be 'older'?

Maybe I'm the insane one. Thoughts?

Rosdower

no you aren't. Infact it's very nice to read something like this. Too bad we don't have more parents like this here in the states.


for the record, i don't usually post here on the forum, i just look around, but reading this actually made me happy.

big mick

Well handled is what I'd say on this one, you have done the right thing, alcohol + 14 year olds could easily equal disaster. Stand firm with your decision, sounds like your daughter has taken your answer in best spirits.

Pap

Why don't you accompany your daughter to the party?

BLACK35

I took the same stance with our 14 yr daughter a couple of months ago. It wasn't a sleepover, but they were going to have booze there. She also told me she wouldn't drink. I said no anyways, as I agree, supplying 14 yr olds with booze is too early IMO, supervised or not.
She was a little upset, but she has gotten over it and she still loves me
Now don't get me started with the boys :roll:

ZiggyStar

Of course you did the right thing. If you say yes now, you'll have to say yes to all the other parties and she'll be drinking at them and then it will be normal to drink at every party....and so begins the cycle. 14 is far too young to start drinking regularly....or at all.

On the night of the party, she's going to feel shit knowing that everyone is having fun and she's not. If she is still handling this really well and not throwing tantrums etc, maybe try to do something extra special with her that night to take her mind of it....or if she's "too cool" to have fun with mum at this age, maybe buy her something special and give it to her that night to say "I know you feel like shit and want to be at the party but I'm really proud of you for understanding and proud of the way you handled that I said no". OR maybe get the other girls who also aren't going due to the alcohol over to your house for a sleepover. It's a BIG thing at her age to not be going to a party....I think a little reward for acting well and for being so honest with you to begin would be great in this situation.




And WTF are you doing with a 14 year old? :shock: You look far too young.

ZiggyStar

Stardust, just out of curiosity, how old were you when you started drinking?

Jamminonthe1

I think what ticks me off the most is that this parent-child combo is willing to risk NOT having all the kids there in order to make it a drinking party, which is obviously something the kids should be sneaking around to do, not having it provided at that age.

Nevermind90

respect to u!

youngster

You are doing the right thing. Thumbs up for being a good parent.

LloydXmas

I dread the day that this happens.

It doesn't matter how old a parent was when they started drinking. You need to do what's right for your child's overall well beng. I'm pretty sure this situation is against the law in the US.

JK_Livin

That situation sounds crazy to me. What if this was your daughter's best friend and her mother is going to alienate few kids because their parents are sane? Who's watching the mother that is making the punch? I can't believe this is legal over a verbal agreement. I guess the only positive thing is that they are being honest with what's happening at the party.

pandora

It's not legal here and plenty of parents are getting in big time trouble
when providing alcohol to underage kids even those much older than your daughter.

The two schools of thought ...

they are going to drink anyways ... best a safe chaperoned environment without driving
other...
they are way to young to handle the responsibilities and effects of alcohol

ours laws that are enforced make it a null issue because kids can't legally drink
under the age of 21 but we have a huge problem with driving under the influence
that often end in fatalities.

My belief it is important to teach a child what they will face as an adult ...
hopefully a well educated parent knows the age appropriateness of these issues,
handling alcohol responsibly just one.

Here we must work within the laws while you have an opportunity to choose
how to best ready your child for the grown up problems of tomorrow...

good luck to you ... the next decade can be a tough one but once through
the adults you raised will be rewarding

mikalina

I believe 14 yrs old is way too young !!!! ( my daughters age )

I happen to be a strict parent - and would happily tell my daughter ( sorry ) but you cant go.

I'm just saying how I would handle this situation. Every parent will do what is best for them.

My daugher is around "drinks" and "beer" "wine" all the time - but, hell no would I want her to get started at such an early age.

btw - I started drinking at parties at the age of 16... - I think thats early enough.

Black Diamond

:Sticks Head In Sand:

justam

I'd say "No."
It doesn't sound like a good situation to me. I wouldn't let my child go in to it.

Children don't need to drink alcohol to have a fun party!

Green Circle

Black Diamond wrote:

:Sticks Head In Sand:

Who are you kidding...need I remind you what happened this past weekend.
You stood your ground and said NO when someone was going to give their son a taste of that
Green Jell-O

no need to stick your head in the sand sir! You do just fine!!

As far as that parent that's giving the party...legal or not...she's not right. sorry.

mikalina

justam wrote:

I'd say "No."
It doesn't sound like a good situation to me. I wouldn't let my child go in to it.

Children don't need to drink alcohol to have a fun party!

I work at the schools ( and so do you Justam )

I just WISH more parents would be ( parents ) and JUST SAY NO !!!!

especially to children - that goes to anyone under the age of 17....

covered in bliss

Unfortunately, I really don't think my 15yo daughter would tell me about the alcohol. She wouldn't drink it but she knows I wouldn't let her go AT ALL so she would leave that detail out. Although... she's really into sports at school right now and they have a zero tolerance policy about even attending a party where alcohol is served.

--mom must be a total lush looking for 'cool points'...it's sickening! I have a hard time accepting the fact that my BIL buys beer for his son when they're in different cities looking at colleges. Nephew is 1/2 french and I know there is a huge difference culture-wise but I still don't think it's right. It's controlling... the whole "you can drink but only when I say it's ok".

Here's a thought... why not let her go to the party but just for a few hours, no sleeping over? She can exercise her saying-no to peer pressure skills.

Being the bitch that I am, I would really consider calling the cops. legal or not, the police would go.

rick1zoo2

that is extremely irresponsible. If that happened here, I would call the police.

My oldest son is 17 and by the time I was that age, makes me nervous to think if my kids are doing the same.

dan46er

The answer is NO. That is all.

Kudos to you OP!

shep

Very interesting conversation...

As someone who is not yet a parent, I can only supply my thoughts...

I'm currently in my late 20's, finished schooling, great job, make good money...

I had my first beer when I was 12 (and by beer, I mean not a sip from dad, but an actual beer), drank a few times when I was 14, and drinking fairly regularly by 16-17....

However, drinking at a "party" supervised by someone's parents was unheard of. Everything was done outside, or while people had empty houses... and I lived in Canada where the whether wasn't always so nice for that sort of thing... definitely a lot more dangerous to drink outside in -10 degrees C weather, than indoors at a house with supervision...

Anyway, I'm definitely not in agreement with providing them alcohol (I had to work damn fucking hard to get mine), but it's going to happen sooner or later, so why shouldn't it be with parental supervision? I know that that situation might have helped me out of a couple of jams I experienced as a result of alcohol... take that as you will.

Again, I don't know how I'll feel about it when I have kids... but I would urge a parent to be considerate of some of these thoughts when setting down hard lines....

BabaBooey1979 wrote:

I dread the day that this happens.

It doesn't matter how old a parent was when they started drinking. You need to do what's right for your child's overall well beng. I'm pretty sure this situation is against the law in the US.

It's not. In the state of Texas you are allowed to serve anyone over the age of 16 (i think? not quite sure on the exact age), as long as there is parental consent... that being said, a lot of wait staff will flat up refuse to do it... and that is their choice.

JTH

stardust1976 wrote:

I also have found out tonight that it's actually perfectly legal here to supply a minor with alcohol in your own home, so long as you have their parent or guardian's permission. Am I the only one who thinks this is absolutely NUTS???!!!!!

Judging by the responses so far, it looks like I'm in the minority here because I DON'T think this is absolutely nuts.

Slightly wacky? Perhaps.

I do think it's crazy to allow minors to get drunk, whether or not you have permission. But say you serve a small glass of wine to a teenager with dinner and you have that teenager's parents' permission, I don't think that should be a criminal offense.

For the record, I have three kids (boy/8, girl/5, boy/4) and I totally dread the day this kind of thing comes up.

stardust1976

So it seems like a lot of people think like me. For the record, a very similar thing happened to me at 12, and my friends switched my drinks, and I got drunk along with them. I was 12, never tasted alcohol, and especially had no idea what it tasted like mixed with Coke. In that instance, the mother had gone out and none of our parents knew until the next day. I have told my daughter of this situation. I was 16 when I had the odd drink with a friend on the sly, maybe once or twice, then once I turned 18 I started drinking.

I have also said to her that maybe if they were all 16 year olds I MIGHT consider it. MIGHT. Because I understand the concept of supervised drinking at home. But 14 is just too young. Thanks for all your input everyone!

Yellow Ledbelly

I am not a parent but I believe if I was that this would piss me off...i mean this idiot is giving children alcohol and you end up being the one looking like the bad guy.

Leyna Minai

Wow...I can't fathom why a parent would even want to introduce alcohol to a 14 year old kid...it doesn't take much for younger kids to get addicted and therefore find ways to get alcohol. OR maybe they'll think that alcohol tastes nasty and never touch it again until they're adults That would be nice!

In Japan it was custom to serve kid 1 little tiny shot cup of Sake for New Years. I had it when I was a kid and it was so disgusting and never tried again! Until I was 20. I waited until my 21st birthday was just around the corner to start drinking. And I don't think I missed out on anything being a 'sober high school kid' or whatever.

All in all, I think you handled it very well! And I am very impressed with how your daughter handled it as well. She seems to be pretty understanding. I was a little startled when you mentioned that all of her friends parties will be like that from now on...that's such a scary though..=/

Monster Rain

You definitely made the right decision. 14 is way too young. Also, you mentioned the older sister's boyfriend lives with them. Who's to say he's not the type of guy to take advantage of some drunk young girls? It's a bad situation, so you're right to not let your daughter go.

mca47

Yeah, 14 is on the young side. Late high school is when most people I know of started "partying".
It's one thing if it's a celebration (New Years, Christmas) and she has a half glass of wine or something at HOME under your supervision, but there is no way I'd let my kid go to a party where it's advertised that they are going to drink.
I'm also pretty sure if I found that out, I'd be making a phone call to that parent who's allowing that to happen!

tinkerbell

Wow either I am very liberal or a little crazy but I wouldn't have an issue with this (as long as I knew the mum). I am a mum of 2 who are 7 & 4.

As a child from about 10 I was allowed a small glass of wine (mixed with Sprite) on special occasions, this didn't make me want to drink more - it taught me about moderation. At 14 I was going to parties and having 1 or 2 drinks and by 16 having a few more, I got drunk but I also knew my limits, friends of mine who had not been taught that would get plastered every weekend. Now I hardly ever drink - I have an occasional glass of wine with a meal.

As a mum I would rather my kids be honest with me than sneak behind my back (as so many teenagers do). And I would rather my kids be doing such things in a supervised environment or with me than lying and trying things in dangerous situations.

Also what is wrong with the older sisters boyfriend living there? How old is he? I wouldn't be so quick to judge that without knowing his circumstances first.

Saying no all the time to teenagers just breeds deception. My parents were pretty straight, but trusted me, and with that trust I had self respect and felt that I could go to them with anything.

Having said all of that ask me again in another 7 years when my daughter is 14 and I may have her chained to her desk and locked away like Rapunzel

LikeAnOcean

Ah, I remember my first party when I was 16. Parent supervised.


I got wasted off of just two beers. I had a blast!

Yefa

I started drinking with friends after school when I was 14. I never got drunk until I was 17. Lots of younger teens do drink too much when they are new to it though, so it's probably better to err on the side of caution.
I think it's insane that the drinking age is 21 here in the USA. It doesn't work and leads to lots of driving while under the influence. If citizens are allowed to vote, smoke cigarettes, and serve in the military at 18, then it follows that they shold be allowed to drink at that age as well.