is valuing something / one taught or are you born with it?
blondieblue227
Posts: 4,509
my brother seems to value nothing. he's been like that since he was young. i just don't understand how someone could go thru life like that.
he's 29. never had a serious girlfriend. every opportunity (he's been given) he has ruined. then he turns arounds and asks for pity. etc.
(don't tell me you never had a serious girlfriend either, that's not my point)
he's never been seriously connected to anybody or anything.
i'm not like that at all.
do you think parents teach a kid what and how to value?
or was he just born that way?
he's 29. never had a serious girlfriend. every opportunity (he's been given) he has ruined. then he turns arounds and asks for pity. etc.
(don't tell me you never had a serious girlfriend either, that's not my point)
he's never been seriously connected to anybody or anything.
i'm not like that at all.
do you think parents teach a kid what and how to value?
or was he just born that way?
*~Pearl Jam will be blasted from speakers until morale improves~*
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I know people that live in complete bareness...I mean the basic bed, couch, dishes, etc...but no photo albums, CDs, collectables...they just don't care about that stuff. My mother is this way...I had stuff stored at her house, and one day she just decided to toss it, and not ask me if I wanted it. Gone are the toys from childhood, the turntable my dad found, and fixed up for me, my books, letters from friends, photos, some really really really sentimental things. I tried to tell her that was not an 'ok' thing to do, and I was really hurt by her actions, he just said, "oh well, too bad".
Though I think the older some people get, the more they don't care about material things...I mean, 'you can't take it with you'.
in your brother's case, I think that's sad...sad in the fact that humans 'need' emotional connection, for one's mental well being...it's one of those psychology things.
- Christopher McCandless
it is sad for me but it really upsets me to see my mom come to terms with who he is.
his screw ups are happening on a larger scale now. i feel it's because he values nothing and i'm wondering how he got to be that way.
My brother is miserable,he loves it,wallows in it like a hippo,has made it into an art form,he wasn't raised that way,it is his nature.
An ex,BF of mine was the same,but it manifested differently due to childhood circumstances,he owned nothing but a bag of clothes and his motorbike,everything else in his life was either borrowed, acquired through donation,found or gifted.
He always said he could burn everything and walk away with no possessions,this was a ritual that dated back from Viking times,nomadic living was to use little so that it could be left or burned and move on lighter.
In theory hundreds of years ago ... great ... in practice in modern day,it made him emotionally invisible yet he wallowed in the fact he felt he could live with no ties and connections should he need to move on fast.But there was always a big heavy bag of shit following him around that swamped him every time he stood still too long.
Some people just need to keep moving I guess,even when they can't see it's not stuff their moving from,it's themselves.
Look into 'birth order personalities'.... fascinating stuff. Took this quiz recently and it pegged me as a first-born. http://www.parents.com/parents/quiz.jsp?quizId=/templatedata/ab/quiz/data/BirthOrderQuiz_03052004.xml
so... to answer your question, BOTH. You're born in the order you're born -and- life experiences play a big part in shaping us.
try not to let his issues effect you.. They're -his-, ya know? Easier said than done, of course, but worth the effort if you can manage.
Life will always have a balance. so people like this are necessary for the people that aren't like this to exist.
good, bad, wrong, right.. life is beautiful.. and always will be..
Abrn Hlls '98 - Clarkston 2 '03 - Grd Rpds '06 - Abrn Hlls '06 - Clvd '10 - PJ20 - Berlin 1+2 '12 - Wrigley '13 - Pitt '13- buff '13- Philly 1+2 '13 - Seattle '13
my mom says she's going to cut ties with him, but i don't believe her. really how can a mother truly cuts ties with her kid?
latest thing he has done is ruin her credit.
he has told me his motto in life is Fuck It.
how can somebody go thru that with that as their credo?
that's totally by brother.
then he wants you to pity him on top of that.
it is carefree that i am. sounds like your brother is too.
when i was 28 years old i found our father dead lying on the sofa w/ his little terrior dog down between his feet at the other end of couch. saddest day that really never goes away. ever since this day i been a wreck more so than ever. but in some ways it is great and works out well for me.
for months my cd collection slowly/or quickly grew to pile up on my bedroom floor. fuck it. i walked on 'em and didn't even realize or care. this kinda attitude still lives on today. i do not check the fluids in my car as often as i should. i do not give a shit. yet i do care enough to get by i guess cause the car does get serviced and it hasn't blown a motor yet.
having ADD/ADHD, whichever, i am not the most organized and thought out person on the planet. normally i float through life doing what i can to survive and that being the most difficult of all. i am my own worst enemy in many situations. sometimes uncontrollable.
can i have one single lady friend? no. i need 3 or 2. they all know it and it causes a few problems sometimes. my head runs faster than my legs can go. most of my relationships w/ women have been like your brother's, nothing serious. now that i am older though i what these things; nice lady at home, no crazy shit, and calmness.
i love calm. i need more of it. most days it hurts and rages inside.
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
others need cell phones...no. i wish i never owned one.
tv. many need a tv show to watch. i do not care. i did have a piece of shit tv here recently for about a month or two.
i will duct tape my car windows. i don't care to fix them properly. costs money. i'd rather spend money on something else.
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
yup he has got ADD/ADHD too. but that label doesn't go far with me i guess because my mom has used as an excuse for years to enable and feel guilty about. (i swear) there's nothing worse than a parent who feels guilty. (or rather the level of guilt my mom has)
i understand a lot of his problems stem from ADD/ADHD but it some point in time you have to learn 'how to roll' with life.
yes! he has so much anger and rage! ever since dad left when he was 7. i was 10. or at least that's what we blame it on.
nothing like your story thou. it's good you love calm. my brother doesn't know what that is.
i think that's why he values nothing. it's easier to feel for nothing when you're raging.
thank you so much for sharing chad. i'm sorry about your father.
our dad left because he repeatedly had cheated on my mom (i came to know) he remarried had another kid and became an alcohlic.
sure i can blame it on dad but i'm a believer of choice.
yeah i think your bro has a few more issues than what we have covedred already. i am pleased and lucky i am who i am and not any more balanced or unbalanced. hopefully your brother gets it together oneday.
does your brother get everything handed to him on a gold platter or something?
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
She is the youngest of six of us so maybe she's had the whole baby of the family thing let her think she is special and can behave in whatever way she wants but I've always thought there had to be serious chemical imbalences or something.
I find it really sad because unless I'm going to see my parents and she's there we don't really have a relationship she's just made it too difficult too many times
there was a time he did. right around high school age. but like i said because he values nothing everything he has been given has gone to shit.
personally after doing little to none in his favor until HS was too little too late. even thou i'm only 3 years older i knew when he was 9, if they couldn't get his butt in line then there was no hope for him.
bad part is...I can't tell you it gets any better. :( If it's anything like my life, the general consensus seems to be "she's the older one...we can depend on her"...but yet, he remains the prodigal son.
I can understand much of this Chad,I have not owned a tv for many years,why would I want the shit that is on it polluting the calm space I have made in my home,I have a mobile phone,that is switched off for 22 hours a day.I have books and my stereo,that is what I need.The modern world baffles me and I try not to be too involved in it.
But my brother is different,it breaks me up to see him so despondent,he is a intelligent,funny,articulate man,as was my ex BF ... I think this world can be very difficult for men who do not fit into what society expects men to be ... who cares what society wants them to be? ... I just want to spend time with my bro and see him smile and joke the way he used too.
Thanks for sharing your story Chad,it made me cry
i definitely believe the double standard of how different sex siblings are treated plays into it too.
i hate mothers who put their sons on pedestals.
i haven't even told ya'll i was born with a physical disability because i refuse to blame myself.
and from what is said here it just proves to me my disability has nothing to do with how my brother is.
i really hope my mom has learned her lesson now with her credit being ruined.
who needs a psychiatrist when you have the pj board!
the bestest folks around!
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
as you said it doesn't matter.
"and people exist who understand your plight...regardless."
puke!
click my 3w button if you must.
damn straight.
At a certain point it becomes a selfhatred, selfperpetuating thing. "I dont value myself, so what really does matter?" each failure in life feeds in to this selfhatred.
we can stuck in what we THINK things should have been. Instead of accepting things as they were in reality and moving on. One thing you can do is just love him and acceot him as he is now.
Sidenote, a parents guilt can be the most harmful thing in a childs life. No matter what age the child.
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
not really. me and my dad were best buds until i hit puberty. then i might as well have been an alien. same with my brother. around 13 or 14 it was like he couldn't relate to us anymore. i haven't talked to him since 04. i want a relationship with him but i'm looking to him to be somebody he's not. for years the only thing he said to me is, "how's you're van?" I'm just way deeper than that, so i've quit trying to talk to him.
with my brother being AD/HD or whatever there was no way my dad was equipped to deal with that, so they have no relationship either. he hit him the few years my brother lived with him.
agreed. and further down the rabbit hole my brother goes. he has never tried to kill himself. but i don't know if he's thought about it.
i try to but it's hard. he was the happiest little boy when he was young.
i know he's stuck on what dad did to him. for some strange reason he blames my step-mom.
i don't believe in the blame game.
agree 100%.