How can I say no?...How can I say yes?

The Crooked Heart

My husbands brother is almost 30 and has had problems with drugs for at least the past 15 years. I'm not sure how long he has been smoking crack but it has been several years. He can't keep a job, his ex girlfriend won't let him around their 2 year old daughter, he doesn't have a permanant residence, basically he has finally hit rock bottom. He called yesterday and asked if he could come up here for a while because he knows he can't get clean down there. We are in Missouri and he is in Florida. I was thrilled to hear that he wanted to do this for himself and that he really seemed to be thinking it through. Later that evening I started thinking more about it and I just don't know what to do. I can't see how I can say no but then again I don't know exactly what situation I will be bringing around my children. He has an anger problem and I don't know anything about detoxing from crack. I don't know where he would be in the process when he gets here. I don't really know what to expect at all. My husband works 12 hour night shifts so it's not like he would always be around if something happened. I have to put my kids first but it would kill me to say no when he has finally reached out for help. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

DS1119

Maybe putting him into a rehab program before moving him in with you to try and kick the habit himself? I feel for you, this is a tough tough spot to be in. :(

staceycurci

He needs to go to rehab not try to start this on his own in your home. I have experience with addicts and rehab is where he needs to be. Through my experience this is going to bring very bad things into your home. While it is awesome that he is WANTING to quit he needs professionals. Hope this helps you. and good luck!

mikalina

In my opinion - I would say no- First he should go into rehab and then see what happens. Your kids are first and formost - like you said. You're just being a good parent by protecting your kids.... :thumbup:

dcfaithful

DS1119 wrote:

Maybe putting him into a rehab program before moving him in with you to try and kick the habit himself? I feel for you, this is a tough tough spot to be in. :(

I agree with this. My sister was an abuser for a good portion of her life. She cleaned up and was clean for a while until she had a shitty turn of events, relapsed, and died.

Anyway, my sister had two stints in rehab, and they seemed to help her for very long periods of time. She did relapse after the first stint, but it was a while afterwards.

If your brother-in-law is ready to clean up, maybe he really is very serious about cleaning up. I think checking in to a facility might be a great idea as he will be in an environment with people who are there to support him, and people who are going through the same thing. If he stays at your place, he'll have your support obvoiusly, but not to the extent that he will have it at a facility with counselors, other recovering addicts, etc.

I'm not saying your support isn't enough, because I think family support is the most important... but the first few months of trying to clean up I can imagine are the most difficult... living in your home it might be easier for him to break and go out hunting for a fix without enough reinforcement (your husband being gone a lot) etc.

I would suggest having him check into a facility near your home and your brother and you and your children can be his lifeline nearby, and he'll always know that someone who loves and supports him very much is very near. It might be more comforting for him.

Best of luck. I hope your brother in law continues on what sounds like a new leaf. It's great that you're obviously there for him, people in these situations need a lot of help and support... leaving behind an addiction like this is tough, and will always be a struggle for him but if he's surrounded with by the right people and given a lot of love and positive reinforcement, I think he'll make a better life for himself.

Jokertt14

Glue everything down.

Crack heads steal everything !! Just saying

Nothingman54

The Crooked Heart wrote:

My husbands brother is almost 30 and has had problems with drugs for at least the past 15 years. I'm not sure how long he has been smoking crack but it has been several years. He can't keep a job, his ex girlfriend won't let him around their 2 year old daughter, he doesn't have a permanant residence, basically he has finally hit rock bottom. He called yesterday and asked if he could come up here for a while because he knows he can't get clean down there. We are in Missouri and he is in Florida. I was thrilled to hear that he wanted to do this for himself and that he really seemed to be thinking it through. Later that evening I started thinking more about it and I just don't know what to do. I can't see how I can say no but then again I don't know exactly what situation I will be bringing around my children. He has an anger problem and I don't know anything about detoxing from crack. I don't know where he would be in the process when he gets here. I don't really know what to expect at all. My husband works 12 hour night shifts so it's not like he would always be around if something happened. I have to put my kids first but it would kill me to say no when he has finally reached out for help. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hello, my Mom is a current crack head. She been one for about 11-12 years now. I really wouldn't let him around your kids. It's something you don't want your kids around. Crack really changes your personality and if he's been an addict for 15 years and all the sudden dosent have his drugs..... It's not gonna be pretty. I can say he will probably steal your money and belongings. Crack is everywhere, you can't move from it. It can be found in every town, in every city, in every state. The best help you can give him is rehab. That is if he takes it. Most won't, and if they do they will more than likely relapse. The numbers are against them. My mom has stolen from me, my 2 year old and 4 year olds savings, she has stolen from everybody in the family, and random people. I have disowned her. She has had chance after chance after chance to get help and she has refused. She is not a loud around my kids. Just yesterday my wife, kids and I were going to a museum and guess who we saw driving around the bad part of town to get crack?, my mom. It can ruin YOUR family just by trying to help. Think about your kids. Good luck. If you have any questions please let me know.

whispering hands

Nothingman54 wrote:

The Crooked Heart wrote:

My husbands brother is almost 30 and has had problems with drugs for at least the past 15 years. I'm not sure how long he has been smoking crack but it has been several years. He can't keep a job, his ex girlfriend won't let him around their 2 year old daughter, he doesn't have a permanant residence, basically he has finally hit rock bottom. He called yesterday and asked if he could come up here for a while because he knows he can't get clean down there. We are in Missouri and he is in Florida. I was thrilled to hear that he wanted to do this for himself and that he really seemed to be thinking it through. Later that evening I started thinking more about it and I just don't know what to do. I can't see how I can say no but then again I don't know exactly what situation I will be bringing around my children. He has an anger problem and I don't know anything about detoxing from crack. I don't know where he would be in the process when he gets here. I don't really know what to expect at all. My husband works 12 hour night shifts so it's not like he would always be around if something happened. I have to put my kids first but it would kill me to say no when he has finally reached out for help. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hello, my Mom is a current crack head. She been one for about 11-12 years now. I really wouldn't let him around your kids. It's something you don't want your kids around. Crack really changes your personality and if he's been an addict for 15 years and all the sudden dosent have his drugs..... It's not gonna be pretty. I can say he will probably steal your money and belongings. Crack is everywhere, you can't move from it. It can be found in every town, in every city, in every state. The best help you can give him is rehab. That is if he takes it. Most won't, and if they do they will more than likely relapse. The numbers are against them. My mom has stolen from me, my 2 year old and 4 year olds savings, she has stolen from everybody in the family, and random people. I have disowned her. She has had chance after chance after chance to get help and she has refused. She is not a loud around my kids. Just yesterday my wife, kids and I were going to a museum and guess who we saw driving around the bad part of town to get crack?, my mom. It can ruin YOUR family just by trying to help. Think about your kids. Good luck. If you have any questions please let me know.

Nothingman54 is right.. Crack is a deadly drug..My mother thank god only stuck to Meth, which is deadly as well but no where NEAR as bad as crack..I've seen people kill people ON meth.. but I've also seen people kill people FOR crack.. HUGE difference. As for the "wanting to quit" I hate to tell you this, but that's an infamous line for Crackheads..Everyone in Kansas City calls it the "liar's" drug, cause if you weren't a liar before you started, you will be by the time you're hooked. I have dealt with many people in my family getting hooked on this drug, most currently my favorite Cousin out in Cali is dealing with it.. she just lost her 9 month old baby to the state child care system, over this drug, it steals from you your ability to reason or love.. it is a horrible and deadly, deadly drug.. I cannot stress enough, without this guy having at least 2 YEARS CLEAN from it, no contact with your family.. if your husband wants to meet up with him somewhere, that's understandable, but never let this guy know what you have, or where it's kept.. you'll never see it again..Hate to be so blunt, but seriously don't fuck with a crackhead, you'll lose everytime..

Nothingman54

whispering hands wrote:

Nothingman54 wrote:

The Crooked Heart wrote:

My husbands brother is almost 30 and has had problems with drugs for at least the past 15 years. I'm not sure how long he has been smoking crack but it has been several years. He can't keep a job, his ex girlfriend won't let him around their 2 year old daughter, he doesn't have a permanant residence, basically he has finally hit rock bottom. He called yesterday and asked if he could come up here for a while because he knows he can't get clean down there. We are in Missouri and he is in Florida. I was thrilled to hear that he wanted to do this for himself and that he really seemed to be thinking it through. Later that evening I started thinking more about it and I just don't know what to do. I can't see how I can say no but then again I don't know exactly what situation I will be bringing around my children. He has an anger problem and I don't know anything about detoxing from crack. I don't know where he would be in the process when he gets here. I don't really know what to expect at all. My husband works 12 hour night shifts so it's not like he would always be around if something happened. I have to put my kids first but it would kill me to say no when he has finally reached out for help. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hello, my Mom is a current crack head. She been one for about 11-12 years now. I really wouldn't let him around your kids. It's something you don't want your kids around. Crack really changes your personality and if he's been an addict for 15 years and all the sudden dosent have his drugs..... It's not gonna be pretty. I can say he will probably steal your money and belongings. Crack is everywhere, you can't move from it. It can be found in every town, in every city, in every state. The best help you can give him is rehab. That is if he takes it. Most won't, and if they do they will more than likely relapse. The numbers are against them. My mom has stolen from me, my 2 year old and 4 year olds savings, she has stolen from everybody in the family, and random people. I have disowned her. She has had chance after chance after chance to get help and she has refused. She is not a loud around my kids. Just yesterday my wife, kids and I were going to a museum and guess who we saw driving around the bad part of town to get crack?, my mom. It can ruin YOUR family just by trying to help. Think about your kids. Good luck. If you have any questions please let me know.

Nothingman54 is right.. Crack is a deadly drug..My mother thank god only stuck to Meth, which is deadly as well but no where NEAR as bad as crack..I've seen people kill people ON meth.. but I've also seen people kill people FOR crack.. HUGE difference. As for the "wanting to quit" I hate to tell you this, but that's an infamous line for Crackheads..Everyone in Kansas City calls it the "liar's" drug, cause if you weren't a liar before you started, you will be by the time you're hooked. I have dealt with many people in my family getting hooked on this drug, most currently my favorite Cousin out in Cali is dealing with it.. she just lost her 9 month old baby to the state child care system, over this drug, it steals from you your ability to reason or love.. it is a horrible and deadly, deadly drug.. I cannot stress enough, without this guy having at least 2 YEARS CLEAN from it, no contact with your family.. if your husband wants to meet up with him somewhere, that's understandable, but never let this guy know what you have, or where it's kept.. you'll never see it again..Hate to be so blunt, but seriously don't fuck with a crackhead, you'll lose everytime..

Your right. You can catch a crack head with a pipe in their mouth and they would lie lie lie and say it wasn't so. I feel I came off a little selfish in my last post. Only because iv put up with this shit for half my life. Iv tried to get my mom help and all that but if they don't help themselves then you can't. I had to go on with my life and protect my kids from my crackhead mom. I normally don't call her my mom. I guess what I'm trying to say is more than likely he's gonna come to your place and really disturb your family. And if he's been doing this stuff for 15 years, him coming to your home will not help. It's gonna take professional help and many years of it and more than likely professional help won't help either. "once you smoke crack, u don't come back."

Cradles Broken Glass

I know it is a hard situation, but your family comes first. I wouldn't jeopardize the well being of my own family for him. However, maybe he can go to a nearby rehab and possibly find a place near y'all once clean. I know he needs support, but I don't think that he needs to be around you guys until he is clean.

covered in bliss

I would NOT do it! Don't get sucked in any further. Your lives would be deeply affected by it, and sadly, not in a good way. Imagine the drama you're involved in with him living in FL and multiply it x 1000.

It's hard to say no to someone asking for help... maybe nar-anon or some other support group would be helpful.

iamica

I'm going to have to agree with pretty much everyone here...don't have him move in with you. He needs to check into a rehab center. Maybe if there's one nearby, at least he can be near you guys without living with you.
Trust me...I'm an adult child of an alcoholic...having an adult in the house who drinks/does drugs gets really messy when said person is around kids. And it's incredibly damaging to the kids too.

pjfan31

Geez, what a tough one... If it was my family, I would like to think I would say yes... but I have not been put in a situation like this....

Perhaps you could spell out before he comes that he has to earn your trust.... This would mean disclosing everything, search of his stuff... An invasion of privacy? perhaps, but if you invite him into your home I would want to know what he is bringing in to it. And he would have to agree to this before he steps foot in...

Perhaps the presence of his nieces and or nephews could help him... I would move heaven and earth for my nephews...

Good luck... No easy, no right, no wrong answer...

BinauralJam

Cracks Powerful, i've had freinds beat there addiction to it, and freinds who haven't and then those who took a few years off and went back one day out of the blue, hard to perdict, but he will probably fail, especially if he doesnt get help, but it does depends on the individual. Good Luck.

Cradles Broken Glass

pjfan31 wrote:

Geez, what a tough one... If it was my family, I would like to think I would say yes... but I have not been put in a situation like this....

Perhaps you could spell out before he comes that he has to earn your trust.... This would mean disclosing everything, search of his stuff... An invasion of privacy? perhaps, but if you invite him into your home I would want to know what he is bringing in to it. And he would have to agree to this before he steps foot in...

Perhaps the presence of his nieces and or nephews could help him... I would move heaven and earth for my nephews...

Good luck... No easy, no right, no wrong answer...

It is tough. However, at some point you have to distance yourself and do what is best for you. My husband grew up with a cousin that was like a brother to him. His cousin was/is on a little bit of everything. It is heartbreaking. My husband's family would encourage him from time to time to be a positive influence on him. However, my husband knew (b/c they had did some of this and that together during their teenage years) that his cousin wouldn't listen to anyone. My husband knew when it was time to stop or what not to go near, but his cousin always wanted a little more. He finely had to tell his family that nobody could help "Joe" unless he wanted to help himself and that for his own sake (my husband's) it was best that he didn't hang around with him.

Jokertt14

Make sure he don't quite cold turkey .

like if hes smoking an once a day . have him cut down to 3/4 of an once a day .

They say that's what killed Amy Winehouse was cold turnkey . :wave:

mookeywrench

For reasons that have already been said, offer him a place to stay and get on his feet after he's done rehab.

Unfortunately with addiction, he's a crackhead before he's a family member. That's how he will treat you and that's how you need to see him until he gets professional help. My alcoholic uncle would steal from his granddaughter's piggy bank for booze before he went to rehab.

You're qualified to support an addict's recovery, not to treat an addict's recovery.

The Crooked Heart

Thank you guys. I think I was really just needing to hear from many people that it was a horrible idea to ease my guilt. I want to have hope but it's really hard. Down in Florida drugs are everywhere in our circle. Many of my husbands family and our friends are bad off and the worst part is my mother in law is a dealer! Even if he comes to a rehab up here he would eventually go back because his daughter is there. Now I'm just sad. I have this unrealistic desire to save the world.

jimbojones1138

wow i really wasnt expecting to read all of this when i clicked on your topic. I am now somewhat dpressed in reading about how this has effected people here. I am so sorry to hear about the hurt and loss people have dealt with due to drug addiction.

even though i have not dealt w addiction first hand, i do agree with everyone else on here. I would definately not have him around your children and house right off the bat. i think rehab is the best route to go at least now. Once he is clean than you can make the decision on whether or not to let him stay with you guys. Im so sorry about your situation, your spouse must be broken up about his brother :(

2-feign-reluctance

Jokertt® wrote:

Glue everything down.

Crack heads steal everything !! Just saying

Inappropriate man. How old are you, really?

covered in bliss

2-feign-reluctance wrote:

Jokertt® wrote:

Glue everything down.

Crack heads steal everything !! Just saying

Inappropriate man. How old are you, really?

not at all inappropriate! Addicts will steal, lie and cheat in a heartbeat.