How can I say no?...How can I say yes?
The Crooked Heart
Posts: 116
My husbands brother is almost 30 and has had problems with drugs for at least the past 15 years. I'm not sure how long he has been smoking crack but it has been several years. He can't keep a job, his ex girlfriend won't let him around their 2 year old daughter, he doesn't have a permanant residence, basically he has finally hit rock bottom. He called yesterday and asked if he could come up here for a while because he knows he can't get clean down there. We are in Missouri and he is in Florida. I was thrilled to hear that he wanted to do this for himself and that he really seemed to be thinking it through. Later that evening I started thinking more about it and I just don't know what to do. I can't see how I can say no but then again I don't know exactly what situation I will be bringing around my children. He has an anger problem and I don't know anything about detoxing from crack. I don't know where he would be in the process when he gets here. I don't really know what to expect at all. My husband works 12 hour night shifts so it's not like he would always be around if something happened. I have to put my kids first but it would kill me to say no when he has finally reached out for help. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Emily
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I agree with this. My sister was an abuser for a good portion of her life. She cleaned up and was clean for a while until she had a shitty turn of events, relapsed, and died.
Anyway, my sister had two stints in rehab, and they seemed to help her for very long periods of time. She did relapse after the first stint, but it was a while afterwards.
If your brother-in-law is ready to clean up, maybe he really is very serious about cleaning up. I think checking in to a facility might be a great idea as he will be in an environment with people who are there to support him, and people who are going through the same thing. If he stays at your place, he'll have your support obvoiusly, but not to the extent that he will have it at a facility with counselors, other recovering addicts, etc.
I'm not saying your support isn't enough, because I think family support is the most important... but the first few months of trying to clean up I can imagine are the most difficult... living in your home it might be easier for him to break and go out hunting for a fix without enough reinforcement (your husband being gone a lot) etc.
I would suggest having him check into a facility near your home and your brother and you and your children can be his lifeline nearby, and he'll always know that someone who loves and supports him very much is very near. It might be more comforting for him.
Best of luck. I hope your brother in law continues on what sounds like a new leaf. It's great that you're obviously there for him, people in these situations need a lot of help and support... leaving behind an addiction like this is tough, and will always be a struggle for him but if he's surrounded with by the right people and given a lot of love and positive reinforcement, I think he'll make a better life for himself.
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Crack heads steal everything !! Just saying
Hello, my Mom is a current crack head. She been one for about 11-12 years now. I really wouldn't let him around your kids. It's something you don't want your kids around. Crack really changes your personality and if he's been an addict for 15 years and all the sudden dosent have his drugs..... It's not gonna be pretty. I can say he will probably steal your money and belongings. Crack is everywhere, you can't move from it. It can be found in every town, in every city, in every state. The best help you can give him is rehab. That is if he takes it. Most won't, and if they do they will more than likely relapse. The numbers are against them. My mom has stolen from me, my 2 year old and 4 year olds savings, she has stolen from everybody in the family, and random people. I have disowned her. She has had chance after chance after chance to get help and she has refused. She is not a loud around my kids. Just yesterday my wife, kids and I were going to a museum and guess who we saw driving around the bad part of town to get crack?, my mom. It can ruin YOUR family just by trying to help. Think about your kids. Good luck. If you have any questions please let me know.
Your right. You can catch a crack head with a pipe in their mouth and they would lie lie lie and say it wasn't so. I feel I came off a little selfish in my last post. Only because iv put up with this shit for half my life. Iv tried to get my mom help and all that but if they don't help themselves then you can't. I had to go on with my life and protect my kids from my crackhead mom. I normally don't call her my mom. I guess what I'm trying to say is more than likely he's gonna come to your place and really disturb your family. And if he's been doing this stuff for 15 years, him coming to your home will not help. It's gonna take professional help and many years of it and more than likely professional help won't help either. "once you smoke crack, u don't come back."
fade away...
I am at peace with my lust.....for Eddie.
It's hard to say no to someone asking for help... maybe nar-anon or some other support group would be helpful.
Trust me...I'm an adult child of an alcoholic...having an adult in the house who drinks/does drugs gets really messy when said person is around kids. And it's incredibly damaging to the kids too.
Perhaps you could spell out before he comes that he has to earn your trust.... This would mean disclosing everything, search of his stuff... An invasion of privacy? perhaps, but if you invite him into your home I would want to know what he is bringing in to it. And he would have to agree to this before he steps foot in...
Perhaps the presence of his nieces and or nephews could help him... I would move heaven and earth for my nephews...
Good luck... No easy, no right, no wrong answer...
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It is tough. However, at some point you have to distance yourself and do what is best for you. My husband grew up with a cousin that was like a brother to him. His cousin was/is on a little bit of everything. It is heartbreaking. My husband's family would encourage him from time to time to be a positive influence on him. However, my husband knew (b/c they had did some of this and that together during their teenage years) that his cousin wouldn't listen to anyone. My husband knew when it was time to stop or what not to go near, but his cousin always wanted a little more. He finely had to tell his family that nobody could help "Joe" unless he wanted to help himself and that for his own sake (my husband's) it was best that he didn't hang around with him.
fade away...
I am at peace with my lust.....for Eddie.
like if hes smoking an once a day . have him cut down to 3/4 of an once a day .
They say that's what killed Amy Winehouse was cold turnkey . :wave:
Unfortunately with addiction, he's a crackhead before he's a family member. That's how he will treat you and that's how you need to see him until he gets professional help. My alcoholic uncle would steal from his granddaughter's piggy bank for booze before he went to rehab.
You're qualified to support an addict's recovery, not to treat an addict's recovery.
even though i have not dealt w addiction first hand, i do agree with everyone else on here. I would definately not have him around your children and house right off the bat. i think rehab is the best route to go at least now. Once he is clean than you can make the decision on whether or not to let him stay with you guys. Im so sorry about your situation, your spouse must be broken up about his brother :(
Inappropriate man. How old are you, really?
not at all inappropriate! Addicts will steal, lie and cheat in a heartbeat.
Yes, I was surprised and saddened too! My heart goes out to all who are affected by addiction(s) (((hugs)))
We do want him to get the help he needs but it seems like there is almost no help around here. We have a young daughter and don't want her to be put in that situation either.
I think the main problem with him is that he gets bored, there is almost nothing to do here. You can literally walk 5 minutes in either direction from our house and there is crack.
When he gets out he stays with his dad and everything is okay for a few months until he gets that itch and sells something. Usually work tools which dad needs for his job.
Side note: It's not just crack either, my brothers are like that with pot and beer. They spend all their disability checks on it the first of the month and then take whatever they can to a pawn shop, lawn mower, tvs, dvd players, game systems, my guitar and amp.
It really sucks wanting to help but they have to want to be helped and even then it's difficult. Keep your distance, it will only hurt more trying to help.
I too am shocked that so many here have been affected this closely by severe addiction. My heart goes out to all of you.
I agree with everyone as well, unless he's clean, I wouldn't let him near my kids.
I think it's great that you are trying to help him but I agree, don't put your kids at risk. I have gone through a very similar experience too, it's hard because you just want to see them do well and when you hear that they want to get their life back on track, it's easy to get excited for them and jump the gun. I agree that he needs to get professional help first before you let him stay with you.
Good luck with everything.
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my eldest sister you has since passed gave me great advice when I was in my twenties with
a young one and one on the way.
"Be careful who you allow into your lives" this for the children's sake.
I have tried to live by this.
Any reservations for me have always lead to no.
but to simplify
you have children at home
how can you NOT say no
"what a long, strange trip it's been"
I didn't call anyone anything.
edit-although, some things shouldn't be sugar-coated, and it's not necessarily being disrespectful. The OP needs to realize the severity of the situation... the consequences of getting that deeply involved with children in the picture.
Adelaide 1998
Adelaide 2003
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Adelaide 2009
Melbourne 2009
Christchurch NZ 2009
Eddie Vedder, Adelaide 2011
PJ20 USA 2011 night 1
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Adelaide BIG DAY OUT 2014