question about marriage/divorce

of.the.girl

not4uuu wrote:

sheila0225 wrote:

not4uuu wrote:

I am goin through this too. My husband, after 18 years, has just now decided to tell me the truth about his past. I thought I knew who he was and now I find out he is not what I thought. He has thrown so much on me in the last 2 months, I am having a hard time taking it all in. I can't believe he waited this long. He says he never told me because I wouldn't have been with him, I say, he should have givin me the chance. My life i my choice too. Anyway, thanx for listening.

It's amazing what spouses hold back. Like they know what you would do if you knew the truth. Who knows. One may choose to stay with said person. But at least it would be your choice and not them making the choice for you.

I thought about counseling, but he has told me things that he has been up to since we have been together. I had no clue :shock: I am having a very hard time believing anything he says now. Why would he be honest to a stranger about himself when he hasn't been honest with me. I think he would just be putting on another show.

He might find it easier to be honest with a stranger than you right now only due to the fact that he may feel pre-judged by you. This was the case with me. :(
It's easy to not believe what he says especially when the trust has been broken. It's going to take time to trust again. But you won't know if you do until you try.

not4uuu

still trying, but I am running out of steam...................................

of.the.girl

not4uuu wrote:

still trying, but I am running out of steam...................................

one day at a time is all you can do. Focus on today. For tomorrow is not here yet.

mysticweed

not4uuu wrote:

I am goin through this too. My husband, after 18 years, has just now decided to tell me the truth about his past. I thought I knew who he was and now I find out he is not what I thought. He has thrown so much on me in the last 2 months, I am having a hard time taking it all in. I can't believe he waited this long. He says he never told me because I wouldn't have been with him, I say, he should have givin me the chance. My life i my choice too. Anyway, thanx for listening.

wtf did he do
wtf was he able to hide for 18 years that can be so devastating now

i ask because about ten years ago, i found out about lies my husband (of then 8 years) had told not only me, but everyone.
he took credit, for fucking years, for things he did not actually do
i found this out at his brother's funeral and could not address it for weeks and may have left him had his brother not just died
that was ten years ago
we got over it and i'm glad because he'll be dead soon (seriously)
so
wtf?

mysticweed

RKCNDY wrote:

don't be miserable for the sake of a child, she's smart enough and will sense something is wrong. (no, it doesn't matter about her age, kids are really perceptive)

as to the op's question
i agree with rockcandy here

rollings

peacocoa wrote:

Is it better to leave my wife and rarely get to spend time with my daughter or spend my life in an unhappy marriage?

Why are you sure that the time spent with your daughter would be rare?

peacocoa

Dang Dang wrote:

peacocoa wrote:

Is it better to leave my wife and rarely get to spend time with my daughter or spend my life in an unhappy marriage?

Why are you sure that the time spent with your daughter would be rare?

well, right now we live on the east coast but have no friends or family out here. so if we were to split up, my wife would be forced to move either to the west coast or the midwest. With my job, i relocate every four years and don't really get to choose where i relocate to.

EmBleve

not4uuu wrote:

still trying, but I am running out of steam...................................

Stay strong, and that's a very messed up situation. I'm sorry you are dealing with that----I cannot deal with lying more than anything else in a relationship. As you said, it doesn't even give you a chance to make an informed decision on your own; it's very manipulative. Give yourself some time and if you can, get some space for yourself where you can think about how you really want to move forward from this, or in which direction you want to go. I guess you would have to decide if it's something you can live with or not. What made him decide to tell you? best wishes.

OP- I personally believe that it's not good for any parties involved to stay in an unhappy marriage or relationship (sometimes easier said than done). Be true to yourself and try to be as honest as you can with others, and spend as much time as you are able to with your daughter. Good luck.

EmBleve

sheila0225 wrote:

Something that helps me get throught the tough times...the serenity prayer.

grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.

Believe me...this has kept me sane for many many months recently.

:thumbup: as a natural born worrier going through tough times, these words are always helpful. Wonderful thing to keep in mind.

RKCNDY

just to make things clear on counseling: a counselor is there as a NEUTRAL point of view, they do not know who you are, they have no pre-conceived notions about you, your life, past experiences etc.

They will ask you questions, ask your partner questions, and help both parties understand each other. They will not take sides...but rather bring things into a new perspective.

you would be surprised at how much people tell complete strangers...it's human nature to not want to be judged, and a stranger is the 'perfect outlet' for venting/releasing pent up frustrations.

counseling only works when people are ready and willing to make a change.

(I went to family counseling as a kid, and the other party refused to do their part in changing their behavior, so there's that)

not4uuu

EmBleve wrote:

not4uuu wrote:

still trying, but I am running out of steam...................................

Stay strong, and that's a very messed up situation. I'm sorry you are dealing with that----I cannot deal with lying more than anything else in a relationship. As you said, it doesn't even give you a chance to make an informed decision on your own; it's very manipulative. Give yourself some time and if you can, get some space for yourself where you can think about how you really want to move forward from this, or in which direction you want to go. I guess you would have to decide if it's something you can live with or not. What made him decide to tell you? best wishes.

OP- I personally believe that it's not good for any parties involved to stay in an unhappy marriage or relationship (sometimes easier said than done). Be true to yourself and try to be as honest as you can with others, and spend as much time as you are able to with your daughter. Good luck.

He says he is getting older now (40) and he wants to come clean with who he is. I think he is sensing that I need the truth. He can only cover things or should I say be someone he isn't for so long. I have a huge problem..... TRUST! I don't have it. he has lied to me so much, don't get me wrong, I am glad he is coming clean, but I am not sure if I can handle it .

not4uuu

Thank you everyone for letting me blow off some steam YOU ALL ROCK!!!!!!!!



Keep On Rockin

EmBleve

not4uuu wrote:

EmBleve wrote:

not4uuu wrote:

still trying, but I am running out of steam...................................

Stay strong, and that's a very messed up situation. I'm sorry you are dealing with that----I cannot deal with lying more than anything else in a relationship. As you said, it doesn't even give you a chance to make an informed decision on your own; it's very manipulative. Give yourself some time and if you can, get some space for yourself where you can think about how you really want to move forward from this, or in which direction you want to go. I guess you would have to decide if it's something you can live with or not. What made him decide to tell you? best wishes.

OP- I personally believe that it's not good for any parties involved to stay in an unhappy marriage or relationship (sometimes easier said than done). Be true to yourself and try to be as honest as you can with others, and spend as much time as you are able to with your daughter. Good luck.

He says he is getting older now (40) and he wants to come clean with who he is. I think he is sensing that I need the truth. He can only cover things or should I say be someone he isn't for so long. I have a huge problem..... TRUST! I don't have it. he has lied to me so much, don't get me wrong, I am glad he is coming clean, but I am not sure if I can handle it .

I can totally understand that, and I think you are competely justified in not being able to trust him. Only you can know if it's something you are willing to try to get past. It would be a difficult thing. The boyfriend that I have now (I have only been with him 2 years) lied to me as recently as last October; I decided to try to work it out but it leaves an indelible mark on the trust factor. It's up to the individual if he/she thinks it's worth it to try. I send you positive vibes.

of.the.girl

not4uuu wrote:

EmBleve wrote:

not4uuu wrote:

still trying, but I am running out of steam...................................

Stay strong, and that's a very messed up situation. I'm sorry you are dealing with that----I cannot deal with lying more than anything else in a relationship. As you said, it doesn't even give you a chance to make an informed decision on your own; it's very manipulative. Give yourself some time and if you can, get some space for yourself where you can think about how you really want to move forward from this, or in which direction you want to go. I guess you would have to decide if it's something you can live with or not. What made him decide to tell you? best wishes.

OP- I personally believe that it's not good for any parties involved to stay in an unhappy marriage or relationship (sometimes easier said than done). Be true to yourself and try to be as honest as you can with others, and spend as much time as you are able to with your daughter. Good luck.

He says he is getting older now (40) and he wants to come clean with who he is. I think he is sensing that I need the truth. He can only cover things or should I say be someone he isn't for so long. I have a huge problem..... TRUST! I don't have it. he has lied to me so much, don't get me wrong, I am glad he is coming clean, but I am not sure if I can handle it .

God wouldn't put you through it if He didn't know you couldn't handle it.

Cradles Broken Glass

Try counseling first. If nothing can be resolved than it probably is better to get a divorce than stay in an unhappy marriage. However, try everything else first because divorce is a devastating event for everyone involved. My husband grew up in a divorced household and it is still hell on him to this very day, even as a grown man. I came into it through marrying him and it's not a joke, even on mine and his family it makes holidays a hell trying to make everyone happy. Anyway, seriously consider all other options first, possibly even a trial separation.

not4uuu

Cradles Broken Glass wrote:

Try counseling first. If nothing can be resolved than it probably is better to get a divorce than stay in an unhappy marriage. However, try everything else first because divorce is a devastating event for everyone involved. My husband grew up in a divorced household and it is still hell on him to this very day, even as a grown man. I came into it through marrying him and it's not a joke, even on mine and his family it makes holidays a hell trying to make everyone happy. Anyway, seriously consider all other options first, possibly even a trial separation.

I will, we actually get along great, we are totally best friends. It is just as a husband he SUCKS ASS!!!

Cradles Broken Glass

not4uuu wrote:

Cradles Broken Glass wrote:

Try counseling first. If nothing can be resolved than it probably is better to get a divorce than stay in an unhappy marriage. However, try everything else first because divorce is a devastating event for everyone involved. My husband grew up in a divorced household and it is still hell on him to this very day, even as a grown man. I came into it through marrying him and it's not a joke, even on mine and his family it makes holidays a hell trying to make everyone happy. Anyway, seriously consider all other options first, possibly even a trial separation.

I will, we actually get along great, we are totally best friends. It is just as a husband he SUCKS ASS!!!

They all do that from time to time, even mine and I love him.

pinkbutterfly

I hope everything works out for you both. I agree, try counseling first.

not4uuu

You know, my husband does initiate all that, but that really doesn't mean anything. He brings me flowers, leaves me notes in the morning, when he tells me he loves me he waits till I say I love you back.... seriously though, that is all the easy part, the hard part is to actually mean it. I always tell him actions speak louder than words, and lately I am finding out some of his hidden actions......

stuckinline

peacocoa wrote:

Dang Dang wrote:

peacocoa wrote:

Is it better to leave my wife and rarely get to spend time with my daughter or spend my life in an unhappy marriage?

Why are you sure that the time spent with your daughter would be rare?

well, right now we live on the east coast but have no friends or family out here. so if we were to split up, my wife would be forced to move either to the west coast or the midwest. With my job, i relocate every four years and don't really get to choose where i relocate to.

Are you in the Military?