How to Talk to Little Girls
ShimmyMommy
Posts: 7,505
If you have kids, a girl or boy, this is important to read. I felt it was a great article.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloo ... =fb&src=sp
How to Talk to Little Girls
by Lisa Bloom
I went to a dinner party at a friend's home last weekend, and met her five-year-old daughter for the first time.
Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, "Maya, you're so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!"
But I didn't. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are.
What's wrong with that? It's our culture's standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn't it? And why not give them a sincere compliment to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.
Hold that thought for just a moment.
This week ABC news reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that fifteen to eighteen percent of girls under twelve now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they'd rather be hot than smart. A Miami mom just died from cosmetic surgery, leaving behind two teenagers. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.
Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What's missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.
That's why I force myself to talk to little girls as follows.
"Maya," I said, crouching down at her level, looking into her eyes, "very nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too," she said, in that trained, polite, talking-to-adults good girl voice.
"Hey, what are you reading?" I asked, a twinkle in my eyes. I love books. I'm nuts for them. I let that show.
Her eyes got bigger, and the practiced, polite facial expression gave way to genuine excitement over this topic. She paused, though, a little shy of me, a stranger.
"I LOVE books," I said. "Do you?"
Most kids do.
"YES," she said. "And I can read them all by myself now!"
"Wow, amazing!" I said. And it is, for a five-year-old. You go on with your bad self, Maya.
"What's your favorite book?" I asked.
"I'll go get it! Can I read it to you?"
Purplicious was Maya's pick and a new one to me, as Maya snuggled next to me on the sofa and proudly read aloud every word, about our heroine who loves pink but is tormented by a group of girls at school who only wear black. Alas, it was about girls and what they wore, and how their wardrobe choices defined their identities. But after Maya closed the final page, I steered the conversation to the deeper issues in the book: mean girls and peer pressure and not going along with the group. I told her my favorite color in the world is green, because I love nature, and she was down with that.
Not once did we discuss clothes or hair or bodies or who was pretty. It's surprising how hard it is to stay away from those topics with little girls, but I'm stubborn.
I told her that I'd just written a book, and that I hoped she'd write one too one day. She was fairly psyched about that idea. We were both sad when Maya had to go to bed, but I told her next time to choose another book and we'd read it and talk about it. Oops. That got her too amped up to sleep, and she came down from her bedroom a few times, all jazzed up.
So, one tiny bit of opposition to a culture that sends all the wrong messages to our girls. One tiny nudge towards valuing female brains. One brief moment of intentional role modeling. Will my few minutes with Maya change our multibillion dollar beauty industry, reality shows that demean women, our celebrity-manic culture? No. But I did change Maya's perspective for at least that evening.
Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.
And let me know the response you get at http://www.Twitter.com/lisabloom.
Here's to changing the world, one little girl at a time.
For many more tips on how keep yourself and your daughter smart, check out my new book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, http://www.Think.tv.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloo ... =fb&src=sp
How to Talk to Little Girls
by Lisa Bloom
I went to a dinner party at a friend's home last weekend, and met her five-year-old daughter for the first time.
Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, "Maya, you're so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!"
But I didn't. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are.
What's wrong with that? It's our culture's standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn't it? And why not give them a sincere compliment to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.
Hold that thought for just a moment.
This week ABC news reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that fifteen to eighteen percent of girls under twelve now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they'd rather be hot than smart. A Miami mom just died from cosmetic surgery, leaving behind two teenagers. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.
Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What's missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.
That's why I force myself to talk to little girls as follows.
"Maya," I said, crouching down at her level, looking into her eyes, "very nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too," she said, in that trained, polite, talking-to-adults good girl voice.
"Hey, what are you reading?" I asked, a twinkle in my eyes. I love books. I'm nuts for them. I let that show.
Her eyes got bigger, and the practiced, polite facial expression gave way to genuine excitement over this topic. She paused, though, a little shy of me, a stranger.
"I LOVE books," I said. "Do you?"
Most kids do.
"YES," she said. "And I can read them all by myself now!"
"Wow, amazing!" I said. And it is, for a five-year-old. You go on with your bad self, Maya.
"What's your favorite book?" I asked.
"I'll go get it! Can I read it to you?"
Purplicious was Maya's pick and a new one to me, as Maya snuggled next to me on the sofa and proudly read aloud every word, about our heroine who loves pink but is tormented by a group of girls at school who only wear black. Alas, it was about girls and what they wore, and how their wardrobe choices defined their identities. But after Maya closed the final page, I steered the conversation to the deeper issues in the book: mean girls and peer pressure and not going along with the group. I told her my favorite color in the world is green, because I love nature, and she was down with that.
Not once did we discuss clothes or hair or bodies or who was pretty. It's surprising how hard it is to stay away from those topics with little girls, but I'm stubborn.
I told her that I'd just written a book, and that I hoped she'd write one too one day. She was fairly psyched about that idea. We were both sad when Maya had to go to bed, but I told her next time to choose another book and we'd read it and talk about it. Oops. That got her too amped up to sleep, and she came down from her bedroom a few times, all jazzed up.
So, one tiny bit of opposition to a culture that sends all the wrong messages to our girls. One tiny nudge towards valuing female brains. One brief moment of intentional role modeling. Will my few minutes with Maya change our multibillion dollar beauty industry, reality shows that demean women, our celebrity-manic culture? No. But I did change Maya's perspective for at least that evening.
Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.
And let me know the response you get at http://www.Twitter.com/lisabloom.
Here's to changing the world, one little girl at a time.
For many more tips on how keep yourself and your daughter smart, check out my new book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, http://www.Think.tv.
Lots of love, light and hugs to you all!
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Comments
THis author and feminism culture of today is whats runing little girls - women.
Just let them (kids in general) be who they want to be and support their every move.
Letting kids grow up to be who they want to be is the whole point of the article - though that seems to have gone above your head.
Allowing them to be bombarded by trash t.v, consumerism, and superficiality is what's 'ruining' them.
I completely agree with letting kids be and supporting their every move.
As per the article, I always wondered why we can't do both. If you only choose one or the other, aren't we putting them to some disadvantage anyway? I did think the article was great, because society does put a lot of emphasis on looks, and there needs to be a amalgamation of brains and beauty.
I feel that the article applies to boys too. Boys/men get compared just as much nowadays on looks and intelligence.
I have another thought...does either matter in the end if you teach a child to simply be a good person? :think:
I understand the point of the article. But, I don't really agree.
First, this woman who wrote the article clearly has a large ego. She thinks that her one meeting with this little girl (who's five year's old) will hold sway on the rest of her life. Personally, I don't believe that what I say in one meeting will really change a five-year old's life. I'm not trying to say that it was wrong of her to not say she's cute, I'm saying she's really over-thinking things.
Second, I would think that saying someone's cute actually makes them less self-conscious. The problem, in my opinion, is that in this day and age women (and men in some cases) are insecure. Our culture's fascination with outward appearance is not going away. Sure, it may dissipate a bit, but it's not going away. We can wish it wouldn't all we want, but the reality is people like good looking people - always have.
Third, book-smart intelligence does not necessarily remove insecurity. So, getting the child to focus in her intelligence (while that's certainly a good thing) won't necessarily change insecure vanity later in life.
Fourth, the book is a material item. It's not who she is. I know the author was trying to say we should discuss things with our children, which is fine. But, she's just a kid. Saying she's cute is who she is. That's real. She is cute. She even said she "wanted" to say that to her. Why hold that back?
Fifth, I think what kids and adults need to learn is to not hold back. Time is fleeting so enjoy the now. If someone's cute, tell them. You know what... five years from now, they may not be cute at all. No one may tell them they're cute because, maybe they aren't cute. Wouldn't it be better to just be honest with our feelings rather than acting as though our comments to someone will alter their life?
Compliments only help, in my opinion. Restraint does nothing.
TO ADD: And my Mom always said, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything."
<object height="81" width="100%"> <param name="movie" value="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/28998869"></param> <param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param> <embed allowscriptaccess="always" height="81" src="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/28998869" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="100%"></embed> </object> <span><a href=" - In the Fire (demo)</a> by <a href="
So do you follow the advice? Because that is restraint as it's most tactful, know what I mean? It's holding back the truth, and not being honest, right?
Your other points are good. Why should the author think she would have that much influence? Associating with beauty or intelligence or both still places a label on a person, which can still affect their self-worth. Compliments do help, as Embleve said too, if the child is "pointing it out to you". It makes them feel recognized and accepted. Again, here acceptance plays the largest role for self-worth and value.
I was once taught that we are "looked into existence" by our parents. I guess this article applies mostly to parents, in reality, as they are the ones who have most influence on a child from the beginning.
Good point. I guess the key is deciding when it's appropriate. Here's what I meant: You think a little girl you know is cute... tell her. If you think she's ugly, don't say that to her.
The irony of the article, in my opinion, is that I wouldn't be surprised if the author wasn't a parent. This was not her child she was talking about. I obviously could be wrong though.
<object height="81" width="100%"> <param name="movie" value="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/28998869"></param> <param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param> <embed allowscriptaccess="always" height="81" src="https://player.soundcloud.com/player.swf?url=http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/28998869" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="100%"></embed> </object> <span><a href=" - In the Fire (demo)</a> by <a href="
I agree with that. No need to cause harm to someone, especially if you have the power to be prevent harm by not saying anything.
Agreed. I don't think she was a parent either. As a parent of a little boy, I felt that it applied to all children, not just girls. I think it applies more to parents than society as a whole.
Embleve, when I said "looked into existence", I meant actually looked at. Not only recognized with compliments. If a child is deprived of even being "seen" by either parent, they never grow up the same. Invisibility becomes their mantra in life. A child can also have tons of beauty and get the same "invisibility" issue if the parents only focus on books smarts/intelligence. It's true, looks fade over time, but the mind can too.
polaris_x, I re-read your comment in the other thread. This thing about looks is becoming an epidemic. We will have see if the pendulum will soon swing the other way, as I am seeing more and more people realizing that beauty is not a very valuable without intelligence. It's almost as if many of us are demanding the shift now.
It's exactly the same thing.
I view "locked into existence" as co-dependency at it's best. Whereas "looked into existence" as acceptance at it's best. We all have to ask ourselves, which one are we?
And there was a typo on my part...I highlighted it. Sorry, friend. :oops:
(and I didn't even see that typo!
Although I agree that it can be an ice-breaker, but why not ask them how they are feeling today, or what they are doing at that moment? When I really look at it, commenting on their looks is to make the adult comfortable talking to/about the child. Children don't really see beauty in the way an adult does, they only know feelings and actions.
It seems we only ask people (kids and adults alike) surface questions so we do not have to get connected with each other on a deeper level. We all need to know that they are connected on that deeper level. So why not engage someone in a way that makes them feel valued instead of viewed?
Tres Mts. 3/27/11
EV Solo:Providence 6/15/11 Boston 6/16/11 Hartford 6/18/11
PJ20 9/3/11-9/4/11
Concert Wishlist: I am Mine, Marker in the Sand, Parachutes, In Hiding, All Those Yesterdays, I Got Shit, Long Road, Light Years
You are forgiven.
Last night it FINALLY rained here, and it was pouring, and a mom sent her son into the store to get something (he was maybe 10). When he got up to the counter, I said 'so, isn't it great that we're finally getting some rain? What do you think about it?'. He looked at me like I was nuts and laughed and laughed. He goes 'yeah, it's good'.
Probably not weird, just that they don't get what your telling them. So, they laugh because you made them as equally nervous as you are!
Exactly! Precious life moments are usually the most simple ones. That's why children are happy most of the time.
:thumbup:
It's a book by Elizabeth Kann. She did Pinkilicious, Goldilicious and Silverlicious. You have son right? So you don't have to worry about girly books
Tres Mts. 3/27/11
EV Solo:Providence 6/15/11 Boston 6/16/11 Hartford 6/18/11
PJ20 9/3/11-9/4/11
Concert Wishlist: I am Mine, Marker in the Sand, Parachutes, In Hiding, All Those Yesterdays, I Got Shit, Long Road, Light Years
I do know Pinkilicious, one of my nieces loves that book.
My son likes all kinds of books (mostly Elmo)...but I don't care which ones as long as he loves to read them, right?
1. The problem was not with the child being cute.
2. The problem was with the diner guest’s creepy over reaction to the child being cute.
3. The article goes on to speak against the ills of putting too much value on ones appearance, yet, the fact that the diner guest, judged that child’s intellect by her own reaction to the child’s appearance, to the point, she felt the need to see if there was a brain behind that cute face was even more disturbing.
4. The message this article seems to send is
a) You don’t have to be cute to be smart
b) If you’re cute, you have to Prove to people you’re smart
I found the article irritating because, it continued to promote the cycle of females having to PROVE themselves.
Would there had been an article of this type had the child been a ‘cute’ 2 year old boy? What intellectual test would he have to have passed?