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Shit Your Dad Says Thread

davidtriosdavidtrios Posts: 9,732
edited January 2013 in All Encompassing Trip
The other night, my dad and I were watching a Bulls game when all of a sudden he farted 5 times in a row...
He then looked at me and said, "One more, and there would've been an Ejection."
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments

  • 8181 Posts: 58,276
    i laughed. :lol:


    hey daisy, you need pushed up
    81 is now off the air

    Off_Air.jpg
  • anetarelaanetarela Posts: 62
    Gross! I almost spat out my coffee!!!
    Got Chocolate?
  • KM43590KM43590 Posts: 298
    My father used to tell me that my eyes are brown because I'm so full of shit! :lol:
  • dimitrispearljamdimitrispearljam Posts: 139,549
    KM43590 wrote:
    My father used to tell me that my eyes are brown because I'm so full of shit! :lol:
    :lol::lol::lol::lol:
    "...Dimitri...He talks to me...'.."The Ghost of Greece..".
    "..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
    “..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
  • JukeeJukee Posts: 4,500
    KM43590 wrote:
    My father used to tell me that my eyes are brown because I'm so full of shit! :lol:

    My dad still say's this to me.

    He also used to chase me around with his belly botton lint while yelling "It's going to get you, RUN!!!!"
    If you have nothing to lose, you have nothing to worry about.
  • davidtriosdavidtrios Posts: 9,732
    My GF Kristy's Dad:

    Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you got, the less shit you have to eat.
  • davidtriosdavidtrios Posts: 9,732
    edited May 2011
    *please read outloud in your best Russian/Jewish Nasally accent*

    "What is difference between cow and bulls? When you milk a bull, he's smiling"
    Post edited by davidtrios on
  • conmanconman Posts: 7,493
    when i was a kid and i first started working, if i ever complained about work my dad would say
    "life's a bitch and then you die, welcome to the real world. get over it!"
  • 12345AGNST112345AGNST1 Posts: 4,906
    This is nothing he specifically says, but he always asks a question and responds with another question. Or hell ask pointless/obvious questions. Drives me crazy.

    EX:
    Him: did you go to the mechanic today
    Me: yea
    Him: you did?
    Me: no, I was lying...

    OR

    Me: I got a letter today about my car
    Him: you got it in the mail?
    Me: no it came out of my ass.


    God I love/hate my dad. :lol:
    5/28/06, 6/27/08, 10/28/09, 5/18/10, 5/21/10
    8/7/08, 6/9/09
  • Given To DragonFlyGiven To DragonFly Posts: 601
    12345AGNST1 wrote:
    This is nothing he specifically says, but he always asks a question and responds with another question. Or hell ask pointless/obvious questions. Drives me crazy.

    EX:
    Him: did you go to the mechanic today
    Me: yea
    Him: you did?
    Me: no, I was lying...

    OR

    Me: I got a letter today about my car
    Him: you got it in the mail?
    Me: no it came out of my ass.


    God I love/hate my dad. :lol:
    My dad does something similar. If we ask a question, he WON'T answer it, so ridiculous... but weird, cause it's not on purpose, it's like he has a mental disorder that prevents him from answering properly :lol:. Don't get me wrong, he responds, just not with an answer. Example:

    Me: How long before the mechanic finishes with the truck?
    Dad: It was a timing belt problem.
    Me: Yeah, so when will they be done with it?
    Dad: I'm gonna need to find a ride to work tonight.
    Me: BUT HOW LONG?? WHEN WILL YOU GET THE TRUCK BACK?!
    Dad: The dude's charging me an arm and a leg, I gotta get a new guy.
    Me: I give up, good luck with that.

    So whenever anyone in my family does this, we immediately retort, "That's such a DAD answer!"
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  • 12345AGNST112345AGNST1 Posts: 4,906
    Given To DragonFly wrote:
    My dad does something similar. If we ask a question, he WON'T answer it, so ridiculous... but weird, cause it's not on purpose, it's like he has a mental disorder that prevents him from answering properly :lol:. Don't get me wrong, he responds, just not with an answer. Example:

    Me: How long before the mechanic finishes with the truck?
    Dad: It was a timing belt problem.
    Me: Yeah, so when will they be done with it?
    Dad: I'm gonna need to find a ride to work tonight.
    Me: BUT HOW LONG?? WHEN WILL YOU GET THE TRUCK BACK?!
    Dad: The dude's charging me an arm and a leg, I gotta get a new guy.
    Me: I give up, good luck with that.

    So whenever anyone in my family does this, we immediately retort, "That's such a DAD answer!"

    lol, I think I do that. :oops:
    5/28/06, 6/27/08, 10/28/09, 5/18/10, 5/21/10
    8/7/08, 6/9/09
  • davidtriosdavidtrios Posts: 9,732
    "Do you know what will help the Miami Heat right now? The Weinstein Bros!"

    www.weinsteinfuneralhomes.com/
  • RYEzupSFRYEzupSF Posts: 6,003
    Fuck a Duck.

    ...what the hell does that mean? He has said it for as long as I can remember.
    BrowserPreview_tmp_zps26eff4aa.gif

    Don't fuck sheep. -EV 7/11/11
    You can never have enough Neil in the mix. -EV 10/24/10
    There's only one commandment: Don't be an asshole. -EV 5/6/10
  • davidtriosdavidtrios Posts: 9,732
    I'm not sure where he got this from but he said "If your ass itches, it means snow is falling in Africa"

    (if anyone here is Russian, please explain)
  • brianluxbrianlux Posts: 41,670
    Davidtrios wrote:
    My GF Kristy's Dad:

    Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you got, the less shit you have to eat.

    This must be a fovorite line of Jonathan Winters' also. I have a copy of his book, Winters' Tales in which he inscribed the following:

    "To [Name],
    Life is a shit sandwich
    but if you have enough 'bread'
    you never taste the shit.
    I'm still, after 30 years, working
    on the second step!

    Always,
    Jonathan Winters"
    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













  • rollingsrollings Posts: 7,124
    "Well I'll be go to hell"


    and when answering the phone,

    "Yellow"
  • davidtriosdavidtrios Posts: 9,732
    edited May 2011
    "if your left nut itches, it means there is a revolt in China"

    "a mother-in-law should have only two teeth...one to open beer with and the other to always hurt"
    Post edited by davidtrios on
  • 12345AGNST112345AGNST1 Posts: 4,906
    Davidtrios wrote:
    My GF Kristy's Dad:

    Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you got, the less shit you have to eat.

    lol uhhhh... how does that apply to life.
    5/28/06, 6/27/08, 10/28/09, 5/18/10, 5/21/10
    8/7/08, 6/9/09
  • davidtriosdavidtrios Posts: 9,732
    it doesnt apply at all... just funny, random quotes!
  • mikalinamikalina Posts: 7,206
    In my teen years - he would say....

    never chase a boy,
    never call a boy
    remember - you have the "gold"..... ;)
    ********************************************************************************************* image
  • chimechime Posts: 7,838
    My uncle (close enough??) on the Royal Wedding "it was understated in a magnificent sort of way"
    So are we strangers now? Like rock and roll and the radio?
  • loveontwolegsloveontwolegs Posts: 501
    12345AGNST1 wrote:
    Davidtrios wrote:
    My GF Kristy's Dad:

    Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you got, the less shit you have to eat.

    lol uhhhh... how does that apply to life.


    It means if you make a lot of money, you don't have to deal with life's shit. My dad is certain being rich solves EVERYTHING.
  • davidtriosdavidtrios Posts: 9,732
    "We were waiting in line to buy our tickets for horrible bosses...it seemed many were buying tickets for Gary Potter."
  • 8181 Posts: 58,276
    hi there daisy, you need some pushing up :lol:
    81 is now off the air

    Off_Air.jpg
  • The Crooked HeartThe Crooked Heart Posts: 116
    When I was around 5 I asked my dad what time it was and he said half past a monkeys ass, a quarter to his balls. I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever heard. My mom didn't think it was very funny.
    Emily
  • SatansFutonSatansFuton Posts: 5,399
    I know my dad didn't make this one up, as I've heard it other places, but anytime I would say "I wish" this or that, he would say.. "Wish in one hand and shit in the other, see which one fills up first".
    "See a broad to get dat booty yak 'em, leg 'er down, a smack 'em yak 'em!"
  • DewieCoxDewieCox Posts: 11,425
    When I was about to get an ass whoopin....."You're gonna get your ass kicked up between your shoulders"
  • pandorapandora Posts: 21,855
    "When my ship comes in...."

    my father, forever hopeful, forever positive :D
  • The Crooked HeartThe Crooked Heart Posts: 116
    Anytime I was with my dad he would tell anyone he came in contact with that I was free to a good home or a 12 pack. I mean EVERYONE. He thought it was halarious and I used to seriously wonder what he would say if someone agreed. Lucky for both of us I didn't see him often.
    Emily
  • bmwtechbmwtech Posts: 33
    When my nephew was around 2 years old he was playing with some other kids when a battle for a certain to started. My sister insisted that my nephew learned to share, at this point my dad stepped in and explained to the other children that jimmy would learn to share when he was finished playing with the toy.
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