more jokes.....we need em !

Gary Carter

On a flight from Shannon to New York irish father Maguire finds himself seated
next to a rabbi who introduces himself as Rabbi Klein, who was returning
home to New York after a lovely vacation in Ireland.

Shortly after irish father Maguire asks,

"Rabbi. Is it true that you people never eat pork?"

"Never," replies the rabbi.

"Surely, at some time in your life you must have tasted pork. Come on, now,
huh?"

"Well, irish father, I guess since we're both in the same racket I can tell you.
Yes, I did stray once and ate pork."

"Ah, I thought so," says irish father Maguire, a broad smile of satisfaction on
his rotund face.

"Now, irish father," said the rabbi, "it's my turn. You guys are supposed to be
celibate, right?"

"Oh, dear God, yes. Absolutely."

"Ah, come on, man. I leveled with you. Was there ever a time you strayed?"

Sheepishly, irish father Maguire says, "Well, truth to tell, there was a time,
yes. Once. Long time ago."

"I see," says the rabbi. "Beats the hell out of pork, don't you think?

BinauralJam

metsfan wrote:

On a flight from Shannon to New York irish father Maguire finds himself seated
next to a rabbi who introduces himself as Rabbi Klein, who was returning
home to New York after a lovely vacation in Ireland.

Shortly after irish father Maguire asks,

"Rabbi. Is it true that you people never eat pork?"

"Never," replies the rabbi.

"Surely, at some time in your life you must have tasted pork. Come on, now,
huh?"

"Well, irish father, I guess since we're both in the same racket I can tell you.
Yes, I did stray once and ate pork."

"Ah, I thought so," says irish father Maguire, a broad smile of satisfaction on
his rotund face.

"Now, irish father," said the rabbi, "it's my turn. You guys are supposed to be
celibate, right?"

"Oh, dear God, yes. Absolutely."

"Ah, come on, man. I leveled with you. Was there ever a time you strayed?"

Sheepishly, irish father Maguire says, "Well, truth to tell, there was a time,
yes. Once. Long time ago."

"I see," says the rabbi. "Beats the hell out of pork, don't you think?

Hugh Freaking Dillon

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

Godfather.

Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal
A husband walks into Victorias Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.
The coffin will be closed.

keeponrockin

Godfather. wrote:

Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal
A husband walks into Victorias Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.
The coffin will be closed.

Thanks for making me laugh out loud in class. People are looking at me funny now.

he still stands

Why do people think that Jesus is going to come back? It's not like he was nailed to a boomerang...

Godfather.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? - - Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new.."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit."

zarocat

What do you call three chinese guys, an Italian & three black guys on your front lawn ?

A sprinkler, (say it fast -->) CHING-CHING-CHING-WHOP-NIGGA-NIGGA-NIGGA

gabers

unsung wrote:

This guy was the best.... more

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I could listen to Rodney tell jokes all night long. What an underrated genius he was.

Godfather.

zarocat wrote:

What do you call three chinese guys, an Italian & three black guys on your front lawn ?

A sprinkler, (say it fast -->) CHING-CHING-CHING-WHOP-NIGGA-NIGGA-NIGGA

my grandmother (italian) had a favorite joke kinda like that;
the Italian snow tire: Dago through mud,Dago through snow and when Dago flat Dago whop whop whop.

Godfather.

Kat

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