more jokes.....we need em !

Godfather.

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi
terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the
road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road..I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein
was a miserable, lowlife scum bag whogot what he deserved. and he yelled back
that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.

So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does
Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck
hit us."




Godfather.

keeponrockin

Not so much a joke, as a nice story:
A boat docked in a tiny Greek village. An American tourist complimented the Greek fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered the Greek.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the American.

The Greek explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, dance a little, drink a bit, and sing a few songs. I have a full life.”

The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.

With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.

You can then leave this little village and move to Athens, London or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the Greek.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.

“And, after that? Afterwards?”

“That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?”

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings singing, dancing, playing and drinking with your friends…”

satansbed

keeponrockin wrote:

Not so much a joke, as a nice story:
A boat docked in a tiny Greek village. An American tourist complimented the Greek fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered the Greek.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the American.

The Greek explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, dance a little, drink a bit, and sing a few songs. I have a full life.”

The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.

With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.

You can then leave this little village and move to Athens, London or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the Greek.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.

“And, after that? Afterwards?”

“That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?”

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings singing, dancing, playing and drinking with your friends…”

that is brilliant

dimitrispearljam

keeponrockin wrote:

Not so much a joke, as a nice story:
A boat docked in a tiny Greek village. An American tourist complimented the Greek fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered the Greek.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the American.

The Greek explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, dance a little, drink a bit, and sing a few songs. I have a full life.”

The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.

With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.

You can then leave this little village and move to Athens, London or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the Greek.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.

“And, after that? Afterwards?”

“That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?”

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings singing, dancing, playing and drinking with your friends…”

tell me about it...makes much more sense to live in the present tense ...

Rosdower

why can't Hellen Keller Drive?

















because she's a woman.

he still stands

Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?

























Because it wasn't born yesterday!

BinauralJam

Did you hear about the guy with no left arm and no left leg?
















He's Alright.

Godfather.

he still stands wrote:

Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?


that's just sick ! ...but funny !!!

Godfather.

























Because it wasn't born yesterday!

unsung

I don't think my jokes would go over too well around these parts. So I'll quote the late, great Rodney Dangerfield.

“I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.”

unsung

This guy was the best.... more

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

he still stands

Did y'all hear the one about Sarah Palin's kids, including the one with down's? I'd like to tell it again, as it is a masterpiece of comedy, but alas - I'd like to not be booted from the message board again.

BinauralJam

he still stands wrote:

Did y'all hear the one about Sarah Palin's kids, including the one with down's? I'd like to tell it again, as it is a masterpiece of comedy, but alas - I'd like to not be booted from the message board again.

PM me!

BinauralJam

unsung wrote:

This guy was the best.... more

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Godfather.

Lost In Translation......
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

Today's word is................. Fluctuations.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat
dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

BinauralJam

Godfather. wrote:

Lost In Translation......
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

Today's word is................. Fluctuations.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat
dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Thats Great my best friends chinese, he's gona this hear this on Sunday.

rollings

This one is as old as the hills.

Why when Obama & Michelle have sex, why is he always on the bottom....

???

Anyone?

Godfather.

BinauralJam wrote:

Godfather. wrote:

Lost In Translation......
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

Today's word is................. Fluctuations.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat
dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Thats Great my best friends chinese, he's gona this hear this on Sunday.

yeah my sister-n-law is also Chinese I told her the joke and she translated it for her mom
and the both of them laughed so hard I didn't think they would stop.

Godfather.

Godfather.

REDNECK pick up line..

Did you just fart cause ? you just blew me away.


Godfather.

Hugh Freaking Dillon

I met a beautiful woman by the lake the other evening...
There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet.
As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself,

''These Tasers are well worth the money...''

Godfather.

Paul David wrote:

I met a beautiful woman by the lake the other evening...
There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet.
As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself,

''These Tasers are well worth the money...''

thats discusting...but funny


Godfather.

Hugh Freaking Dillon

I just got it in an email today.

Godfather. wrote:

Paul David wrote:

I met a beautiful woman by the lake the other evening...
There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet.
As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself,

''These Tasers are well worth the money...''

thats discusting...but funny


Godfather.