more jokes.....we need em !
Godfather.
Posts: 12,504
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi
terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the
road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road..I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein
was a miserable, lowlife scum bag whogot what he deserved. and he yelled back
that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does
Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck
hit us."
Godfather.
terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the
road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,
the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road..I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein
was a miserable, lowlife scum bag whogot what he deserved. and he yelled back
that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does
Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck
hit us."
Godfather.
Post edited by Unknown User on
0
This discussion has been closed.
Comments
Not so much a joke, as a nice story:
A boat docked in a tiny Greek village. An American tourist complimented the Greek fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
“Not very long,” answered the Greek.
“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the American.
The Greek explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, dance a little, drink a bit, and sing a few songs. I have a full life.”
The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.
With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.
You can then leave this little village and move to Athens, London or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise.”
“How long would that take?” asked the Greek.
“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.
“And, after that? Afterwards?”
“That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”
“Millions? Really? And after that?”
“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings singing, dancing, playing and drinking with your friends…”
that is brilliant
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
because she's a woman.
Because it wasn't born yesterday!
He's Alright.
“I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.”
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
PM me!
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
Today's word is................. Fluctuations.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat
dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Thats Great
Why when Obama & Michelle have sex, why is he always on the bottom....
???
Anyone?
yeah my sister-n-law is also Chinese I told her the joke and she translated it for her mom
and the both of them laughed so hard I didn't think they would stop.
Godfather.
Did you just fart cause ? you just blew me away.
Godfather.
There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet.
As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself,
''These Tasers are well worth the money...''
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
Godfather.
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
next to a rabbi who introduces himself as Rabbi Klein, who was returning
home to New York after a lovely vacation in Ireland.
Shortly after irish father Maguire asks,
"Rabbi. Is it true that you people never eat pork?"
"Never," replies the rabbi.
"Surely, at some time in your life you must have tasted pork. Come on, now,
huh?"
"Well, irish father, I guess since we're both in the same racket I can tell you.
Yes, I did stray once and ate pork."
"Ah, I thought so," says irish father Maguire, a broad smile of satisfaction on
his rotund face.
"Now, irish father," said the rabbi, "it's my turn. You guys are supposed to be
celibate, right?"
"Oh, dear God, yes. Absolutely."
"Ah, come on, man. I leveled with you. Was there ever a time you strayed?"
Sheepishly, irish father Maguire says, "Well, truth to tell, there was a time,
yes. Once. Long time ago."
"I see," says the rabbi. "Beats the hell out of pork, don't you think?
Sammi: Wanna just break up?
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
A husband walks into Victorias Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.
The coffin will be closed.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? - - Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new.."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "shit."
A sprinkler, (say it fast -->) CHING-CHING-CHING-WHOP-NIGGA-NIGGA-NIGGA
1998: Barrie
2000: Montreal, Toronto, Auburn Hills
2003: Cleveland, Buffalo, Toronto, Montreal
2004: Boston X2, Grand Rapids
2005: Kitchener, London, Hamilton, Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto
2006: Toronto X2
2009: Toronto
2011: PJ20, Montreal, Toronto X2, Hamilton
2012: Manchester X2, Amsterdam X2, Prague, Berlin X2, Philadelphia, Missoula
2013: Pittsburg, Buffalo
2014: Milan, Trieste, Vienna, Berlin, Stockholm, Oslo, Detroit
2016: Ottawa, Toronto X2
2018: Padova, Rome, Prague, Krakow, Berlin, Barcelona
2023: Chicago X2
2024: New York X2
I could listen to Rodney tell jokes all night long. What an underrated genius he was.
my grandmother (italian) had a favorite joke kinda like that;
the Italian snow tire: Dago through mud,Dago through snow and when Dago flat Dago whop whop whop.
Godfather.