Parents of teenagers?

mickeyrat

Well , I'm either incredibly idealistic and stupid OR a glutton for punishment. I've agreed to essentially help raise my 15 yr old cousin Alex. He's a bit unruly from the way he's grown up. I do have help from my Aunt ( his great grandmother), but need all the help I can get. SO from you I hope to get advice and an ear(or eye as the case may be ) when I need to vent.

Have any of you folks experienced a "problem" teenager? How did you get through it and to them? He's basically a good kid,but very strongwilled and manipulative. He hasn't grown up with any kind of stability. Constantly moving in town and having to change schools with each move. I don't think I'm THAT far removed from that age that I've forgotten whats it's like to be that age. But times are different in that everything seems to move faster etc...

arq

what a challenge! Well a lot of patience, a lot of love but a strong hand as soon as you see that he want to follow his own rules.

I grew up with my cousin and a lot of years has passed but everybody agrees that she just needed a strong hand and some clear rules to follow.

mickeyrat

arq wrote:

what a challenge! Well a lot of patience, a lot of love but a strong hand as soon as you see that he want to follow his own rules.

I grew up with my cousin and a lot of years has passed but everybody agrees that she just needed a strong hand and some clear rules to follow.

Thats what we're hoping to establish. Firm clearcut rules. Would really hate to see him go down the same path I did. But I can see the signs , he could be on that path.

Thanks Arq

arq

there's a saying in my country that goes something like:

Is better a kick in the ass immediately than a river of tears later

klusterfuk

i applaud you. alot of people wouldnt touch that one. i firmly believe in the stirn but fair rules. kids these days are a different breed. if no one gives them direction there lost. it's like commen sense dont exist anymore. i have a 15 year old son and man do they know everything. i'm tryin to keep him off the path i chose too. they dont like rules now but appreciate later on

StillHere

All three of my own kids were/are very strong willed and wanted to live by their own rules, especially as teenagers and very young adults.

Much of the angst was due to the hardships of living in a single parent (ME) family with a deadbeat dad that they couldn't rely on for any kind of relationship. So, I understand what you're talking about with your nephew.
I'm far from expert on the subject, but I have taken what I've learned and put it into a career in adolescent mental health...which has taught me ever so much more. Dealing with troubled kids teaches us a lot about the world and gives us much insight into ourselves.

I would give you this basic advice:

While it is important to have rules, and even more important to have immediate and consistent enforcement of and consequences for, breaking the rules, at the same time, there has to be some give and take, some relaxation of the rules as your relationship grows and he finally figures out what he has to gain by trying to get along and living with some guidelines.

At the same time, there has to be much patience, as others have said, and a LOT of listening, not just hearing the words, but actual listening.

That's all I can tell you , EXCEPT that no matter how scary and bleak things may have looked at one point in my personal family experiences (you know, legal problems (aka jail), too much drugs and alcohol involved, emotional issues, bad crowd and just plain disrespect and stubbornness....after all, by definition, teenagers are rebellious)...anyway, no matter how scary and far out of control it got, I kept my cool and always, no matter what, always LOVED them and let them know it...NOW, in the end..NOW they are all great. Young adults, responsible, and 2 with families and small children of their own.

Soooo, what I'm saying is....its not easy but with LOTS of love and patience, it should turn out OK in the end.

Good luck, and I'm sure here if you ever need to talk.

Peace,
jo

mickeyrat

Thanks for the encouragement. Stillhere, I'll be bugging the shit out of you!!!!! Thanks.

catefrances

my boychild is 13. he has my temper but he actually listens to my political rants so a slammed bedroom door every now and then, i can ignore. and he allows hugs... so im on a winner there.

merkinball

My oldest is 13 (youngest is 3). I've got a lot of teenage years to deal with in the future. I may be coming back to you for advice

And I agree, you're to be applauded.

pjhawks

i have two things to add - one is even when disciplining try and make them understand how much you love them. tell them, either through actions or words, you don't like what they did but that doesn't mean you don't like them. secondly teens tend to feel like they don' belong anywhere, find out what they like, whether it be music, skateboarding, art, whatever and encourage them and push them towards it. there are many things teens won't talk about unless proded, maybe they have an interest they feel they might be ridiculed about or that people might feel is dumb - see if you can find what they are interested in and help them pursue it by supporting them on it. so much crap goes on in teenagers lives that they need some stable adults to show them how much they are cared for and to encourage their dreams, not squash them or ridiciule them like many teens tend to do to each other. be loving and supportive and that will get you through the hard times.

StillHere

mickeyrat wrote:

Thanks for the encouragement. Stillhere, I'll be bugging the shit out of you!!!!! Thanks.

any time and i wouldn't considering it "bugging" at all!

bugs...hmm...maybe time to listen to that now

isn't it funny how so many random things turn right into pj thoughts? guess that's why we're all here LOL!

good luck

StillHere

pjhawks wrote:

i have two things to add - one is even when disciplining try and make them understand how much you love them. tell them, either through actions or words, you don't like what they did but that doesn't mean you don't like them. secondly teens tend to feel like they don' belong anywhere, find out what they like, whether it be music, skateboarding, art, whatever and encourage them and push them towards it. there are many things teens won't talk about unless proded, maybe they have an interest they feel they might be ridiculed about or that people might feel is dumb - see if you can find what they are interested in and help them pursue it by supporting them on it. so much crap goes on in teenagers lives that they need some stable adults to show them how much they are cared for and to encourage their dreams, not squash them or ridiciule them like many teens tend to do to each other. be loving and supportive and that will get you through the hard times.

great great advice hawks :thumbup:

pandora

mickeyrat wrote:

Well , I'm either incredibly idealistic and stupid OR a glutton for punishment. I've agreed to essentially help raise my 15 yr old cousin Alex. He's a bit unruly from the way he's grown up. I do have help from my Aunt ( his great grandmother), but need all the help I can get. SO from you I hope to get advice and an ear(or eye as the case may be ) when I need to vent.

Have any of you folks experienced a "problem" teenager? How did you get through it and to them? He's basically a good kid,but very strongwilled and manipulative. He hasn't grown up with any kind of stability. Constantly moving in town and having to change schools with each move. I don't think I'm THAT far removed from that age that I've forgotten whats it's like to be that age. But times are different in that everything seems to move faster etc...

Good advice here already for you.
We made it through some very scary times too, live and die, lost and found kind of scary.
My son and daughter are almost 27 and 25 now.
Taking a child in though will be a challenge because we had some very good ground work already in place when our kids hit their terrible teens, it sounds as if Alex maybe hasn't.
This will make things more difficult. So much will be up to him. He must want to be with you, learn to trust and value his life, and work towards a bright future.
As rebellious as my kids were these basic feelings were there although outside factors compromised the good work we had done.
I guess I would concentrate on those basics while enforcing strict house rules and demanding respect.It is possible to be a friend and a parent but kids need a parent more than a friend.
Like Jo said the good news is, it passes.
I stressed to my kids don't do anything that is going to mess up their lives for good.
Stuff like prison, drug addiction, early parenthood, dropping out of school, the big mistakes.
Pick your battles and your preaching.
Good luck, the outcome is well worth the turmoil. It's just something most everyone goes through.
Don't hesitate to get professional help though if he is very unmanageable, angry or depressed, you want the very best future for this boy and let him know that. Future is something most teens need to be reminded of.

mickeyrat

Meeting. 10:45 am. At the boys school. This should be enlightening.

catefrances

mickeyrat wrote:

Meeting. 10:45 am. At the boys school. This should be enlightening.

indeed. just remember there are no rules.. its up to you. whats good for other kids might not neceassarily be good for yours. trust in yourself and be aware do as i say not as i do doesnt work.

StillHere

catefrances wrote:

mickeyrat wrote:

Meeting. 10:45 am. At the boys school. This should be enlightening.

indeed. just remember there are no rules.. its up to you. whats good for other kids might not neceassarily be good for yours. trust in yourself and be aware do as i say not as i do doesnt work.

and no matter what, stand up for your nephew as if he were your son. listen to all the good and bad, and concentrate on the good! we're there with you..good luck and so proud of you for taking all this on.

dunkman

if he steps out of line punch him in the fudd... and even if he doesnt step out of line fuddpunch him anyway to let him know you're around.... and let him watch porn...

this is how i was raised and i'm 103% fine.

StillHere

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkaKwXddT_I

take this advice, after all it's Uncle Neil's Birthday today and it seemed to serve him well (well he may not have written but he sure can sing it:D)

peace,
jo

You, who are on the road
Must have a code
That you can live by.
And so, become yourself
Because the past
Is just a goodbye.

Teach, your children well
Their father's hell
Did slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they pick's
The one you'll know by.
Don't you ever ask them why
If they told you, you would die
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you.

And you (Can you hear and)
Of tender years (Do you care and)
Can't know the fears (Can you see we)
That your elders grew by (Must be free to)
And so please help (Teach your children)
Them with your youth (You believe and)
They seek the truth (Make a world that)
Before they can die (We can live in)

Teach your parents well
Their children’s hell
Will slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they pick's
The one you’ll know by.

Don’t you ever ask them why
If they told you, you would cry
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you.

Claireack

I've got a 13 year old boy. Just fumbling my way through and it's going ok so far.

Hope all goes well for you.

mickeyrat

Well, I must say, theres some really nice caring folks at his school. The problem stems from his ADD/ADHD, that at present is untreated. That is being addressed. Also he seems overwhelmed at the distraction in a decently sized HS. So , because of the ADD/ADHD in other grades he was in specialized smaller classes and did well in them. He's going back to a similar program at his HS. The good news is that I will be kept informed of his progress or any problems he may be experiencing in this new class structure.
The teacher gave me her contact info too.

Here's hoping this helps him. But he has to HIS part too.

Horos

mickeyrat wrote:

Well, I must say, theres some really nice caring folks at his school. The problem stems from his ADD/ADHD, that at present is untreated. That is being addressed. Also he seems overwhelmed at the distraction in a decently sized HS. So , because of the ADD/ADHD in other grades he was in specialized smaller classes and did well in them. He's going back to a similar program at his HS. The good news is that I will be kept informed of his progress or any problems he may be experiencing in this new class structure.
The teacher gave me her contact info too.

Here's hoping this helps him. But he has to HIS part too.

This is just my opinion. I have two grown daughters and a 15yo son. My younger daughter was told in grade school that she had ADD/ADHD. I called bullshit, I'm not for medicating a child just to make life easier for me. Now she is grown and well adjusted having never taken the meds. My father works in the mental health field and didn't like my decision but now sees how well it worked. The main thing I've always done is be honest with my kids even if it is hypocritical. Let them learn from the mistakes you've made. I commend you for doing this as well.

Make sure he stays a Steelers fan.

StillHere

mickeyrat wrote:

Well, I must say, theres some really nice caring folks at his school. The problem stems from his ADD/ADHD, that at present is untreated. That is being addressed. Also he seems overwhelmed at the distraction in a decently sized HS. So , because of the ADD/ADHD in other grades he was in specialized smaller classes and did well in them. He's going back to a similar program at his HS. The good news is that I will be kept informed of his progress or any problems he may be experiencing in this new class structure.
The teacher gave me her contact info too.

Here's hoping this helps him. But he has to HIS part too.

Great news
One word of caution...go easy if at all on the meds!
Too many side effects, some physical
Too much risk of overuse and dependence, and "sharing" if you know what I mean
Too much dependence on "my problem" rather than a real solution
Too much blame put on ADD/ADHD rather than behavior
All is not cured by drugs
While they can be a huge godsend if approached correctly, please be very careful
IMO...IMHO...and this is ONLY me...if I used them at all it would be before school only...none afterward
AND no getting away with saying "but I have ADHD"
nope...not an excuse for behavior..get what I'm saying
and i don't necessarily mean he is the one going to be saying it.....
Teachers and administrators tend to clump all problems together
And to use the "deficiency" as an excuse for not helping the kid to live up to his potential
So
I think its great that the school is cooperative and helping out
I'm just saying keep on top and don't ever allow anyone to use it as an excuse or say that he cannot excel because of it.
That's just not true
Did I just take away your moment
I hope not
I'm very happy for you and your nephew
Just saying go for it ALL...and never take excuses

Good luck,
peace,
jo

BrinkofForever

This is very true. I have a 15 year old who's mom took him to a shrink when he was six because he wasn't paying attention in school. He spent the next seven years on various meds for ADHD, including ridalin and other meds that were nothing more than legal speed.
Finally, after realizing the meds were actually hindering him, he was diagnosed with LAZINESS by his doctor. All those years and there was nothing wrong..he just was lazy and didn't want to do things he didn't find personally interesting. :shock:

StillHere wrote:

mickeyrat wrote:

Well, I must say, theres some really nice caring folks at his school. The problem stems from his ADD/ADHD, that at present is untreated. That is being addressed. Also he seems overwhelmed at the distraction in a decently sized HS. So , because of the ADD/ADHD in other grades he was in specialized smaller classes and did well in them. He's going back to a similar program at his HS. The good news is that I will be kept informed of his progress or any problems he may be experiencing in this new class structure.
The teacher gave me her contact info too.

Here's hoping this helps him. But he has to HIS part too.

Great news
One word of caution...go easy if at all on the meds!
Too many side effects, some physical
Too much risk of overuse and dependence, and "sharing" if you know what I mean
Too much dependence on "my problem" rather than a real solution
Too much blame put on ADD/ADHD rather than behavior
All is not cured by drugs
While they can be a huge godsend if approached correctly, please be very careful
IMO...IMHO...and this is ONLY me...if I used them at all it would be before school only...none afterward
AND no getting away with saying "but I have ADHD"
nope...not an excuse for behavior..get what I'm saying
and i don't necessarily mean he is the one going to be saying it.....
Teachers and administrators tend to clump all problems together
And to use the "deficiency" as an excuse for not helping the kid to live up to his potential
So
I think its great that the school is cooperative and helping out
I'm just saying keep on top and don't ever allow anyone to use it as an excuse or say that he cannot excel because of it.
That's just not true
Did I just take away your moment
I hope not
I'm very happy for you and your nephew
Just saying go for it ALL...and never take excuses

Good luck,
peace,
jo

mickeyrat

mickeyrat wrote:

Well, I must say, theres some really nice caring folks at his school. The problem stems from his ADD/ADHD, that at present is untreated. That is being addressed. Also he seems overwhelmed at the distraction in a decently sized HS. So , because of the ADD/ADHD in other grades he was in specialized smaller classes and did well in them. He's going back to a similar program at his HS. The good news is that I will be kept informed of his progress or any problems he may be experiencing in this new class structure.
The teacher gave me her contact info too.

Here's hoping this helps him. But he has to HIS part too.

And it appears HIS part involves discussing and showing his growing pubic hairs with another boy IN class!!!! 5 day suspension.


WTF!!!!!!

DeLukin

Definitely a tough balance. Realize that by his teenage years, all the 'raising' has pretty much been done. He is who he is, so trying to change him too radically will only result in disaster. So it's more about guiding him in the right direction. That being said, kids that age need to learn consequences for actions - I've raised two teenagers and can tell you that being consistent and firm are the two biggest weapons that a parent has. If they know the rules and know you'll enforce them that makes things much easier. Tylenol also helps. Lots and lots of Tylenol...

mickeyrat

Yes , I agree with the fact the doctors will overprescribe etc.. He had been on meds for some time a while ago. they seemed to work and help keep him settled and stay focused, which allowed him to do well in school. The first step is getting him to the doc and having the assessment and discussion on how to proceed. I believe he could use some counseling as well.

mickeyrat

dunkman wrote:

if he steps out of line punch him in the fudd... and even if he doesnt step out of line fuddpunch him anyway to let him know you're around.... and let him watch porn...

this is how i was raised and i'm 103% fine.

I have not ruled out ANY option. Thanks Dunk.

StillHere

mickeyrat wrote:

mickeyrat wrote:

Well, I must say, theres some really nice caring folks at his school. The problem stems from his ADD/ADHD, that at present is untreated. That is being addressed. Also he seems overwhelmed at the distraction in a decently sized HS. So , because of the ADD/ADHD in other grades he was in specialized smaller classes and did well in them. He's going back to a similar program at his HS. The good news is that I will be kept informed of his progress or any problems he may be experiencing in this new class structure.
The teacher gave me her contact info too.

Here's hoping this helps him. But he has to HIS part too.

And it appears HIS part involves discussing and showing his growing pubic hairs with another boy IN class!!!! 5 day suspension.


WTF!!!!!!

there ya go

welcome to the wonderful world of parenting

have fun!

Jason P

mickeyrat wrote:

And it appears HIS part involves discussing and showing his growing pubic hairs with another boy IN class!!!! 5 day suspension.


WTF!!!!!!

I would make him chain-smoke cigarettes until he has learned his lesson. Then follow up with a good back-hand!

StillHere

OH no here she is again..yep.... SO....another word from much much much experience....DO NOT settle for a counselor or psychologist or psychiatrist who does not LISTEN, and i mean really listen, to your wishes, and explain EVERYTHING to you when you ask.

I realize that there are hippa rules and privacy issues here, and there are things that the child will tell them that cannot and should not be discussed with you, as its also a trust issue between the child and the professional, however, if you have questions on progress, on drugs, on therapies, on anything OTHER than what is said between your nephew and his medical staff...you should be fully accommodated. Don't settle for less.

I realize that child psychiatrists are a rare and dear commodity, however, therapists and counselors and psychologists are a dime a dozen, so find one that works for both of you.

HE has to trust and LIKE the counselor. And so do you.

Please, I'm not trying to preach, just speaking from experiences, many of them.

Trying to help you get it right the first time, seeing as how you're starting out so late in the game, unfortunately.

Remember, doctors are JUST people....I've been in nursing since 85, and I have met some highfalutin' doctors in my time, both professionally and personally with my kids (well one in particular)..so I'm just saying.....get what you want and you'll get what you need.

That is all.

Hope I'm not stepping on toes.
And I'm not putting down the medical/mental health community, heck, I'm one of them...just pointing out that there are obstacles to overcome and you should not feel intimidated by anyone with a stack of books and some parchment on the walls, know what I'm saying (not that I think for a minute that Mickeyrat is going to bow down to anyone, but this can be tough)

Once again,best of luck

OH and one more thing, feel free to tell me to shut up whenever the mood strikes you.

K, stick a fork in me, I'm done, I think....

mickeyrat

StillHere wrote:

OH no here she is again..yep.... SO....another word from much much much experience....DO NOT settle for a counselor or psychologist or psychiatrist who does not LISTEN, and i mean really listen, to your wishes, and explain EVERYTHING to you when you ask.

I realize that there are hippa rules and privacy issues here, and there are things that the child will tell them that cannot and should not be discussed with you, as its also a trust issue between the child and the professional, however, if you have questions on progress, on drugs, on therapies, on anything OTHER than what is said between your nephew and his medical staff...you should be fully accommodated. Don't settle for less.

I realize that child psychiatrists are a rare and dear commodity, however, therapists and counselors and psychologists are a dime a dozen, so find one that works for both of you.

HE has to trust and LIKE the counselor. And so do you.

Please, I'm not trying to preach, just speaking from experiences, many of them.

Trying to help you get it right the first time, seeing as how you're starting out so late in the game, unfortunately.

Remember, doctors are JUST people....I've been in nursing since 85, and I have met some highfalutin' doctors in my time, both professionally and personally with my kids (well one in particular)..so I'm just saying.....get what you want and you'll get what you need.

That is all.

Hope I'm not stepping on toes.
And I'm not putting down the medical/mental health community, heck, I'm one of them...just pointing out that there are obstacles to overcome and you should not feel intimidated by anyone with a stack of books and some parchment on the walls, know what I'm saying (not that I think for a minute that Mickeyrat is going to bow down to anyone, but this can be tough)

Once again,best of luck

OH and one more thing, feel free to tell me to shut up whenever the mood strikes you.

K, stick a fork in me, I'm done, I think....

It's all good. I appreciate the sharing and the opinions. One hitch to this, I'm not a legal guardian as of yet. Kinda ties my hands a bit. But I'm working with what I've got.

On the guardianship issue, I have some thinking and soulsearching to do, THEN I get to try and convince his mother. Just might be an uphill battle there. I have a freind whos an attorney. I'll ask her for guidance on that. Perhaps I can sell the Temp Guardian idea better.

Being in 12 step recovery is of great help. Really putting those principles to the test!!!!