Arguments

Lizardjam

I was just wondering if it was just me but, when I have an argument with a loved one, most of them find it easy to just walk away and come back a very short while later and act like nothing ever happened. happy as clams. I can't do that. I need a resolution. I can't be nice and happy with someone until it's resolved. is it just me? it mainly happens with family and my boyfriend. What do you guys do? Do you just forget it and act like nothing? or do you need resolution too? it makes no sense why I would just forget.

klusterfuk

maybe they walk away because they didnt pick a petty fight?
just a thought

Lizardjam

klusterfuk wrote:

maybe they walk away because they didnt pick a petty fight?
just a thought

ok but why sometimes do things that seem petty to others not seem so petty to me? i'm trying to think of an example here but i can't at the moment. I understand petty arguments go nowhere but, what if it's not petty to me?

chadwick

my brothers and me would fight and love each other.
bloody nose... love you, brother dickhead.
im a bad example.

um :?

justam

Lizardjam, I think it completely depends upon what kind of argument it is.

For example, is it a short outburst because one person is cranky, the other person responds and someone slams a door? (That sometimes happens around here and usually everyone just calms down and comes back to a hug and an "I'm sorry I was cranky.")

Or, is it some long drawn-out thing with an underlying problem that needs to be resolved? Something that keeps coming back because you have different views that don't mesh well? In my opinion, this second kind of argument needs a resolution.

chadwick

justam wrote:

Lizardjam, I think it completely depends upon what kind of argument it is.

For example, is it a short outburst because one person is cranky, the other person responds and someone slams a door? (That sometimes happens around here and usually everyone just calms down and comes back to a hug and an "I'm sorry I was cranky.")

Or, is it some long drawn-out thing with an underlying problem that needs to be resolved? Something that keeps coming back because you have different views that don't mesh well? In my opinion, this second kind of argument needs a resolution.

boxing gloves...X
whiskey...x

front or back yard?

klusterfuk

Lizardjam wrote:

klusterfuk wrote:

maybe they walk away because they didnt pick a petty fight?
just a thought

ok but why sometimes do things that seem petty to others not seem so petty to me? i'm trying to think of an example here but i can't at the moment. I understand petty arguments go nowhere but, what if it's not petty to me?

if you can't think of an example it must be petty. not trying to stir shit here but sometimes what is a big deal to one person may just be bullshit to another.

Dissidentman

It's all bullshit. You heard it here 1st.

brother123

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y

Claireack

justam wrote:

Lizardjam, I think it completely depends upon what kind of argument it is.

For example, is it a short outburst because one person is cranky, the other person responds and someone slams a door? (That sometimes happens around here and usually everyone just calms down and comes back to a hug and an "I'm sorry I was cranky.")

Or, is it some long drawn-out thing with an underlying problem that needs to be resolved? Something that keeps coming back because you have different views that don't mesh well? In my opinion, this second kind of argument needs a resolution.

+1

Lizardjam

justam wrote:

Lizardjam, I think it completely depends upon what kind of argument it is.

For example, is it a short outburst because one person is cranky, the other person responds and someone slams a door? (That sometimes happens around here and usually everyone just calms down and comes back to a hug and an "I'm sorry I was cranky.")

Or, is it some long drawn-out thing with an underlying problem that needs to be resolved? Something that keeps coming back because you have different views that don't mesh well? In my opinion, this second kind of argument needs a resolution.

Well, what prompted the post is pretty much the second. But, my sister and mom can fight about anything in the world(big and small) with each other and me and in an hour, resolution or not they're back to normal like nothing happened. I don't get the non-resolution part.

Maybe a better question would be this, how do you get there, to acting like nothing happened and mean it? How do you let it go, whether it's BS to both parties or not, it became an argument for a reason, no? Why is it so easy for some to let go and not me? What thought makes it easier to just let it go?

justam

Lizardjam wrote:

justam wrote:

Lizardjam, I think it completely depends upon what kind of argument it is.

For example, is it a short outburst because one person is cranky, the other person responds and someone slams a door? (That sometimes happens around here and usually everyone just calms down and comes back to a hug and an "I'm sorry I was cranky.")

Or, is it some long drawn-out thing with an underlying problem that needs to be resolved? Something that keeps coming back because you have different views that don't mesh well? In my opinion, this second kind of argument needs a resolution.

Well, what prompted the post is pretty much the second. But, my sister and mom can fight about anything in the world(big and small) with each other and me and in an hour, resolution or not they're back to normal like nothing happened. I don't get the non-resolution part.

Maybe a better question would be this, how do you get there, to acting like nothing happened and mean it? How do you let it go, whether it's BS to both parties or not, it became an argument for a reason, no? Why is it so easy for some to let go and not me? What thought makes it easier to just let it go?

Maybe it's harder for you to let go of the arguments because of what is actually said to you. Are they throwing out unpleasant comments that you feel are unfair? Or, are they discussing things, complaining, but then not changing anything? Maybe that's why you have a hard time letting it go? I don't know.

I think there are so many variables involved that you may need to sit down and think about what's being said, what's happening, and what you'd RATHER was happening so you can talk to them about it.

Lizardjam

justam wrote:

Lizardjam wrote:

justam wrote:

Lizardjam, I think it completely depends upon what kind of argument it is.

For example, is it a short outburst because one person is cranky, the other person responds and someone slams a door? (That sometimes happens around here and usually everyone just calms down and comes back to a hug and an "I'm sorry I was cranky.")

Or, is it some long drawn-out thing with an underlying problem that needs to be resolved? Something that keeps coming back because you have different views that don't mesh well? In my opinion, this second kind of argument needs a resolution.

Well, what prompted the post is pretty much the second. But, my sister and mom can fight about anything in the world(big and small) with each other and me and in an hour, resolution or not they're back to normal like nothing happened. I don't get the non-resolution part.

Maybe a better question would be this, how do you get there, to acting like nothing happened and mean it? How do you let it go, whether it's BS to both parties or not, it became an argument for a reason, no? Why is it so easy for some to let go and not me? What thought makes it easier to just let it go?

Maybe it's harder for you to let go of the arguments because of what is actually said to you. Are they throwing out unpleasant comments that you feel are unfair? Or, are they discussing things, complaining, but then not changing anything? Maybe that's why you have a hard time letting it go? I don't know.

I think there are so many variables involved that you may need to sit down and think about what's being said, what's happening, and what you'd RATHER was happening so you can talk to them about it.

That is a good point actually. Yeah, it is things that are being brought up and said during the argument that a lot of times, to me, have nothing to do with it. They're just said because the other person is mad about whatever it is we're arguing about. That is probably it completely. Sometimes you need other's opinions to see what's going on. I swear I can read people so well sometimes but when it comes to myself I suck at it.

Yellow Ledbelly

To have been a fellow who always argued and fussed for so long, I've gotten pretty good at letting shit roll off my back, whether I feel the need to throw it or if its being thrown at me. To me, I'm not going to argue with a stranger, say maybe somebody who gets mad at me at work, simply because I do not give a fuck if they are mad at me or not. If I'm wrong, I'll apologize, but I'll not argue with someone who matters none to me.

I rarely have any arguments with loved ones, but when they occur I get mad and then I sit back and realize it just doesn't matter 9 times out of 10....or maybe 99 out of 100. Usually I'm fine just to let it go if one does occur and in five minutes time I can go back and talk to that person with no trouble and not mention it. If it gets a little out of hand, I want to make peace...don't want some stupid ass argument with someone I love to cause any trouble and possibly have that fight be the last time I ever saw that person. Kind of the "if tomorrow never comes" thing. Life's too short for bullshit fighting.

Lizardjam

Yellow Ledbelly wrote:

To have been a fellow who always argued and fussed for so long, I've gotten pretty good at letting shit roll off my back, whether I feel the need to throw it or if its being thrown at me. To me, I'm not going to argue with a stranger, say maybe somebody who gets mad at me at work, simply because I do not give a fuck if they are mad at me or not. If I'm wrong, I'll apologize, but I'll not argue with someone who matters none to me.

I rarely have any arguments with loved ones, but when they occur I get mad and then I sit back and realize it just doesn't matter 9 times out of 10....or maybe 99 out of 100. Usually I'm fine just to let it go if one does occur and in five minutes time I can go back and talk to that person with no trouble and not mention it. If it gets a little out of hand, I want to make peace...don't want some stupid ass argument with someone I love to cause any trouble and possibly have that fight be the last time I ever saw that person. Kind of the "if tomorrow never comes" thing. Life's too short for bullshit fighting.

I agree with most of it. I don't argue with people that don't matter to me. I guess I have to get to that point where even if I feel it is important, the original argument, that I have to let it go because the person means more to me than the point maybe? I can rationalize most things but my feelings\emotions are usually at odds with the rationalizations and logic. I won't say it's a girl thing because i'll get ten girls that say they're not like that but I find it's more a feminine trait. I really want to get to that I can let it all go because the person means more to me point.

Yellow Ledbelly

Lizardjam wrote:

Yellow Ledbelly wrote:

To have been a fellow who always argued and fussed for so long, I've gotten pretty good at letting shit roll off my back, whether I feel the need to throw it or if its being thrown at me. To me, I'm not going to argue with a stranger, say maybe somebody who gets mad at me at work, simply because I do not give a fuck if they are mad at me or not. If I'm wrong, I'll apologize, but I'll not argue with someone who matters none to me.

I rarely have any arguments with loved ones, but when they occur I get mad and then I sit back and realize it just doesn't matter 9 times out of 10....or maybe 99 out of 100. Usually I'm fine just to let it go if one does occur and in five minutes time I can go back and talk to that person with no trouble and not mention it. If it gets a little out of hand, I want to make peace...don't want some stupid ass argument with someone I love to cause any trouble and possibly have that fight be the last time I ever saw that person. Kind of the "if tomorrow never comes" thing. Life's too short for bullshit fighting.

I guess I have to get to that point where even if I feel it is important, the original argument, that I have to let it go because the person means more to me than the point maybe?
...I really want to get to that I can let it all go because the person means more to me point.

I wouldn't say let it go just for the sake of letting it go....think hard about it and your feelings and then decide if its something worth revisiting, but be able to talk about it without it being an argument. Talk sensibly and calmly..you know?
As to the second part of your quote, I come from a long line of hot-headed males and it was really hard for me to get to the point where I don't just blow up at people. I just don't want that and the few people I truly love in my life and depend on the most aren't worth losing over something silly or relatively meaningless.
You've just got to be able to think outside of your anger, think about that other person a little even if they aren't thinking about you right then and remember how much they mean to you...when you really love somebody all that other crap isn't really important to me.

What the hell?!?! Do I think I'm some kind of damn anger management counselor?!? Family counselor?!?
Seriously, though, I'm a much happier person since I've learned to at least TRY and live every day that way.

josevolution

I just walk away and apologize i'd rather take the high road and keep my loved one's in my life ...

Lizardjam

I let a lot go for the reasoning of not losing loved ones but I'm sure people don't let everything go. I can do it, I can say ok I don't want to fight, I'd rather keep everything sane and merry. So then they say, want to do something with you and you have to be happy about it, I find it hard to force that happy. It's still fresh, they may have said hurtful things(which a lot of people do when they're mad), And whatever started the argument is going to be there tomorrow, and it's going to come up again when the something happens that sparks it. I guess I'll just drop it because it seems to be the majority opinion to let it go. No matter what really for the sake of the loved one. I think though, if I do that too often, I'll wind up resenting that loved one and eventually just being closed off because I won't feel like ever saying anything for fear of yet another argument and I'll withdraw.

markymark550

I've been known to walk out of the room in the midst of an argument. If I do walk out, it's only because I want to keep myself from saying something I'll regret later. Also, I want to take the time to calm down so that I can discuss the matter at hand more reasonably. I know this really pisses my wife off, as she wants to hash it all out at once regardless of what gets said and whose feelings might get hurt. I'd rather make her a little more angry at first for the sake of being able to finish the argument later without any unnecessary mean comments that would make things worse.

Lizardjam

markymark550 wrote:

I've been known to walk out of the room in the midst of an argument. If I do walk out, it's only because I want to keep myself from saying something I'll regret later. Also, I want to take the time to calm down so that I can discuss the matter at hand more reasonably. I know this really pisses my wife off, as she wants to hash it all out at once regardless of what gets said and whose feelings might get hurt. I'd rather make her a little more angry at first for the sake of being able to finish the argument later without any unnecessary mean comments that would make things worse.

Ha. I play your wife in this position. So, of course things get said because walking away to me is always giving up. I know, for guys it's not but it's so hard to deal with you walking away....

tremors

Let me know if you find the solution! I need it

For what it's worth I've learned 2 main things from arguing with my family and friends these past 37 years:

If you're seriously upset it's almost always better to return to the scene of the crime and make up as best you can - before going to bed!! Without this things can accumulate and come back to bite you on the arse months or even years later.

Sometimes you just have to say you are sorry and take the blame even if you know you are damn well in the right - otherwise some of these things will never be put to rest.

I guess it kind of depends on how reasonable and fair you and the people you are arguing with are, deep down. I'm lucky I think in that most of the men in my family and friendship group (including myself) are volatile argumentative pricks, but deep down are decent people who don't really want to upset each other. At least this way the storm can usually blow over.

However, I've done a lot of youth support-work with fragile / homeless / abused young people where what they have suffered from their family or others is quite frankly unforgivable..... In such situations you just have to get the fuck out I believe; and if you're not in a situation like that count your blessings and make up!