_

yellowporch

CJMST3K wrote:

RazzyLane wrote:

rearviewmiror wrote:

You will never feel weaker than when you are building strength.

:thumbup:

ooooh. i like it.

me too! thanks to all of you, its nice to get an outside look on the situation

CJMST3K

yellowporch wrote:

me too! thanks to all of you, its nice to get an outside look on the situation

Good luck, no matter what you choose to do.

Heatherj43

yellowporch wrote:

okay so my boyfriend and i have been together for 4 years, were young so were basically growing up together. weve had bumps along the way as any relationship does, and i have some trust issues with him (rightfully so) and have taken him back after he fucked up last year. And now he wants to "take a step backwards in our relationship" so that i am not officially his girlfriend, but we act the same when we see eachother? i dont understand how expects me to pretend we havent been together for 4 years, known him forever at this point, and now he wants us to have a casual relationship? is it just me or is this ridiculous to ask of someone youre supposed to love? his proposal didnt really settle well with me, and resulted in us taking time apart. and of course i miss him and after 5 days of not seeing him, were best friends, enjoy the same music, do the same things, have the same friends... told him i miss him, which was a mistake and resulted in me looking pathetic, i just hate playing relationship games and hiding my feelings... every time im alone, i feel the need to call him and just say something, anything... i really have no idea how this is going to be resolved and what i should do...

Ahhh...when I was younger a guy I was with for 5 years suddenly wanted to take a break. What the trtuh was he wanted to date some girl he met, but because he wasn't sure where that would go and didn't want to end up alone, he hoped I could be put on hold. I said absolutely not and we split. He ended up marrying this girl and she is a real bad drug addict. He now is taking care of her 3 kids and he doesn't know where she is.

norm

yellowporch wrote:

And now he wants to "take a step backwards in our relationship" so that i am not officially his girlfriend, but we act the same when we see eachother?

what kind of happy horse shit is that?!?!


dump this tool...sorry for being harsh but damn, the dude is using you

Heatherj43

norm wrote:

yellowporch wrote:

And now he wants to "take a step backwards in our relationship" so that i am not officially his girlfriend, but we act the same when we see eachother?

what kind of happy horse shit is that?!?!


dump this tool...sorry for being harsh but damn, the dude is using you

YES!

PJGARDEN

You said that you have trust issues with him and for good reason. To me, that sounds like he's cheated on you in the past and now he is pulling this shit, move on.

yellowporch

PJGARDEN wrote:

You said that you have trust issues with him and for good reason. To me, that sounds like he's cheated on you in the past and now he is pulling this shit, move on.

yupp, man this blows!

soulsinging

yellowporch wrote:

okay so my boyfriend and i have been together for 4 years, were young so were basically growing up together. weve had bumps along the way as any relationship does, and i have some trust issues with him (rightfully so) and have taken him back after he fucked up last year. And now he wants to "take a step backwards in our relationship" so that i am not officially his girlfriend, but we act the same when we see eachother? i dont understand how expects me to pretend we havent been together for 4 years, known him forever at this point, and now he wants us to have a casual relationship? is it just me or is this ridiculous to ask of someone youre supposed to love? his proposal didnt really settle well with me, and resulted in us taking time apart. and of course i miss him and after 5 days of not seeing him, were best friends, enjoy the same music, do the same things, have the same friends... told him i miss him, which was a mistake and resulted in me looking pathetic, i just hate playing relationship games and hiding my feelings... every time im alone, i feel the need to call him and just say something, anything... i really have no idea how this is going to be resolved and what i should do...

he wants to have sex with other people. it's shit to hear it, but that's what it boils down to. you started dating young, and now he realizes he's missing out on a bit of variety and wants to explore it. my ex is in the same position you are... we were really great together for the most part, but i'm not ready to settle down and still want to be free to hook up with other people for a while. it's hard for her, she says and does the same things as you (only not in person cos we're in diff cities right now, which helps becos if we hung out i'd still act the same becos it's convenient and that has to be a mind fuck). you probably ought to stop talking to him totally for a while and go out and hook up with other people yourself. right now, he knows he can take you for granted and use you as home base while he sleeps around, knowing you'll take him back as he is. show him he can't. either he'll get jealous and realize he's throwing something special away and change his ways, or he won't in which case you'll just have to accept that you're not the girl for him right now but at least you'll get to have some fun.

soulsinging

Lauri wrote:

yellowporch wrote:

okay so my boyfriend and i have been together for 4 years, were young so were basically growing up together. weve had bumps along the way as any relationship does, and i have some trust issues with him (rightfully so) and have taken him back after he fucked up last year. And now he wants to "take a step backwards in our relationship" so that i am not officially his girlfriend, but we act the same when we see eachother? i dont understand how expects me to pretend we havent been together for 4 years, known him forever at this point, and now he wants us to have a casual relationship? is it just me or is this ridiculous to ask of someone youre supposed to love? his proposal didnt really settle well with me, and resulted in us taking time apart. and of course i miss him and after 5 days of not seeing him, were best friends, enjoy the same music, do the same things, have the same friends... told him i miss him, which was a mistake and resulted in me looking pathetic, i just hate playing relationship games and hiding my feelings... every time im alone, i feel the need to call him and just say something, anything... i really have no idea how this is going to be resolved and what i should do...

break up. I'm serious, if you're as young as you say you are, you are holding onto each other because you don't know how to be apart. Your boyfriend wants his cake and to eat it too. He knows that there are a lot of other fish in the sea that he needs to experience- as well both of you should- but he's also afraid because all he knows is being with you. He wants you to be there in case he can't find anything better. None of this is good. You've gotten older and grown apart, that is BOUND to happen. There's a whole world out there, go out and see it, on your own.

imagine you and i agreeing on this one eh?

_

yellowporch wrote:

*

Sounds almost EXACTLY like a relationship I had for 4 years when I was in my 20s. I'm not one to ever regret anything, but I do regret not getting the fuck out of that situation as soon as we "kinda" broke up. I should never have let him play that game with me and I should never have let him convince me to take him back.

_

CJMST3K wrote:

I agree, he either has another girl in mind or he's wanting to see how it is out there... however, I'd have to say (as one) that men have a jealously streak that is pretty strong. With that in mind, does he still comes over your house and everything? If so, have a post-it note on the fridge saying "date with Jim on Friday".

Assuming he notices the note, he'll ask you "who's Jim??". You play it off like "oh, it's just a guy I met... we're just going out for coffee... no big deal". If he's still wanting a relationship with you, this will be his opportunity to choose a side: single or relationship. He'll realize that his arrangement not only frees him up to see other people, it frees YOU up to see other people.

While I totally agree with you, I think it would be a bad idea for her to even play that game - or any game. She shouldn't have to force his hand. She deserves to be with someone who's SURE he wants to be with her. When you have to tell someone to shit or get off the pot, the relationship is already over.

_

soulsinging wrote:

he wants to have sex with other people. it's shit to hear it, but that's what it boils down to. you started dating young, and now he realizes he's missing out on a bit of variety and wants to explore it. my ex is in the same position you are... we were really great together for the most part, but i'm not ready to settle down and still want to be free to hook up with other people for a while. it's hard for her, she says and does the same things as you (only not in person cos we're in diff cities right now, which helps becos if we hung out i'd still act the same becos it's convenient and that has to be a mind fuck). you probably ought to stop talking to him totally for a while and go out and hook up with other people yourself. right now, he knows he can take you for granted and use you as home base while he sleeps around, knowing you'll take him back as he is. show him he can't. either he'll get jealous and realize he's throwing something special away and change his ways, or he won't in which case you'll just have to accept that you're not the girl for him right now but at least you'll get to have some fun.

I totally agree with you, except for this part. Agree that he'll likely get jealous and realize he's throwing something special away and maybe even change his ways - for awhile. But I have no doubt that he'll pull this same shit again some day - even if they're all good for a couple more years - because she'll have shown him (regardless of her words) that she'll put up with it.

decides2dream

scb wrote:

CJMST3K wrote:

I agree, he either has another girl in mind or he's wanting to see how it is out there... however, I'd have to say (as one) that men have a jealously streak that is pretty strong. With that in mind, does he still comes over your house and everything? If so, have a post-it note on the fridge saying "date with Jim on Friday".

Assuming he notices the note, he'll ask you "who's Jim??". You play it off like "oh, it's just a guy I met... we're just going out for coffee... no big deal". If he's still wanting a relationship with you, this will be his opportunity to choose a side: single or relationship. He'll realize that his arrangement not only frees him up to see other people, it frees YOU up to see other people.

While I totally agree with you, I think it would be a bad idea for her to even play that game - or any game. She shouldn't have to force his hand. She deserves to be with someone who's SURE he wants to be with her. When you have to tell someone to shit or get off the pot, the relationship is already over.

:thumbup:


to be fair tho (not necessarily in THIS situation, just in general)......especially when young, sometimes you DO need to break-up, have other experiences, people, etc.....before you realize, yes....you ARE the one i want for life. i know i had to do so. luckily, it worked out. again, in this situation, i 100% agree....just break up, move on. even in my own, i never suggested downgrading our relationship. i suggested going our own ways, and if we came back to each other, great...and if not....there it is. definite risk, but ya know, when you are really young...i think sometimes that is necessary. i met the love of my life when i was 18. 18! now i know some people could handle that and stay together. not me. hahaha. i had to go out and live and do...and yes, other people ....and then i realized, wow.....'that guy' is the one. luckily, he thought the same.

tinkerbell

If you have your cake and eat it too, you just get fat!

Good luck, love is hard, it's even harder to try and turn it off!

Cosmo

**WARNING!! Reality Bite (in the Ass) upcoming**
...
"Taking a step back in our relationship...", in guy in a relationship speak translates to this:
"I still want to bang you... but, I want to go out with other girls to try to bang them... and see if they are a better piece of ass than you are. If they are... then you're history. If not.. I want you to hold my place in line.
And if those other girls won't fuck me... I know you will. You are a pretty good back up plan and i can always fall back on you... in case I'm not the great catch I think I am."
...
You can either go along with his game... or you can tell him he has to decide... that's your call, not us faceless, random postings on a rock band site.
And if you decide to take him back... because he is going to come crawling back because he believes he has a safe place he can bury his bone when all the other girls refuse to play his game... that's on you, not him.
...
Sorry... but, guys can be real fucking assholes.

Lauri

Cosmo wrote:

Sorry... but, guys can be real fucking assholes.

I don't think that deep down he's really trying to be an asshole. I think he just knows he needs to move on, but is too afraid to do so. He's afraid of losing what he's got- both the sex and the girlfriend. If his plan works out, he gets the sex back up in the short run, and the girlfriend back up in the long run. Plus you're still in touch throughout, so he still gets the sort friendship and the emotional support...but all the while, free to sleep with whomever else he wants. Yeah it's sort of an asshole move, but I'm sure it makes perfect sense to him. It even seems to make some sense to his girlfriend. But in the end, he wants to do this because he knows it's over between them, he's just taking a conservative approach to ending it. I can't see how there would be any use in keeping this going back and forth. Not many people end up with their high school or even college loves forever anymore. That's because there's a lot of growing and changing going on in those years. I think everyone should experience living "on their own" at some point. If you always have a boyfriend, and especially if you always the same boyfriend (or girlfriend) you never really get to figure out what your individual place is. Plus it's amazing too how much what you look for in a guy/girl changes as you grow up, and a lot of that comes from trial and error, and it's not a bad thing at all.

Be that as it may, breaking up SUCKS. And there's going to be some really bad days. But there is a sort of hill that once you get over, it's clear sailing.

soulsinging

Lauri wrote:

I don't think that deep down he's really trying to be an asshole. I think he just knows he needs to move on, but is too afraid to do so. He's afraid of losing what he's got- both the sex and the girlfriend. If his plan works out, he gets the sex back up in the short run, and the girlfriend back up in the long run. Plus you're still in touch throughout, so he still gets the sort friendship and the emotional support...but all the while, free to sleep with whomever else he wants. Yeah it's sort of an asshole move, but I'm sure it makes perfect sense to him. It even seems to make some sense to his girlfriend. But in the end, he wants to do this because he knows it's over between them, he's just taking a conservative approach to ending it.

i dont think any of that makes him less of an asshole. i say that as a guy that's done it.

Whizbang

soulsinging wrote:

Lauri wrote:

I don't think that deep down he's really trying to be an asshole. I think he just knows he needs to move on, but is too afraid to do so. He's afraid of losing what he's got- both the sex and the girlfriend. If his plan works out, he gets the sex back up in the short run, and the girlfriend back up in the long run. Plus you're still in touch throughout, so he still gets the sort friendship and the emotional support...but all the while, free to sleep with whomever else he wants. Yeah it's sort of an asshole move, but I'm sure it makes perfect sense to him. It even seems to make some sense to his girlfriend. But in the end, he wants to do this because he knows it's over between them, he's just taking a conservative approach to ending it.

i dont think any of that makes him less of an asshole. i say that as a guy that's done it.

nope....it doesn't. but women do this too. women tend to always have a life boat waiting for them when they finally end a relationship. Be it a guy they've taken interest in who's satisfying her emotional needs or has taken it to a physical level. "just in case, I'll keep him around because if this doesn't work out, I don't want to be alone".

to the OP, if waiting for him/forgiving him for yet another "mistake" makes you truly happy, then stick with it and wait for him to come back. But I've learned from experience that I'd rather be alone than wish I was. I say end it completely, no BS no games, just end it.

SPEEDY MCCREADY

Cosmo wrote:

**WARNING!! Reality Bite (in the Ass) upcoming**
...
"Taking a step back in our relationship...", in guy in a relationship speak translates to this:
"I still want to bang you... but, I want to go out with other girls to try to bang them... and see if they are a better piece of ass than you are. If they are... then you're history. If not.. I want you to hold my place in line.
And if those other girls won't fuck me... I know you will. You are a pretty good back up plan and i can always fall back on you... in case I'm not the great catch I think I am."
...
You can either go along with his game... or you can tell him he has to decide... that's your call, not us faceless, random postings on a rock band site.
And if you decide to take him back... because he is going to come crawling back because he believes he has a safe place he can bury his bone when all the other girls refuse to play his game... that's on you, not him.
...
Sorry... but, guys can be real fucking assholes.

yep.....

yellowporch

SPEEDY MCCREADY wrote:

Cosmo wrote:

**WARNING!! Reality Bite (in the Ass) upcoming**
...
"Taking a step back in our relationship...", in guy in a relationship speak translates to this:
"I still want to bang you... but, I want to go out with other girls to try to bang them... and see if they are a better piece of ass than you are. If they are... then you're history. If not.. I want you to hold my place in line.
And if those other girls won't fuck me... I know you will. You are a pretty good back up plan and i can always fall back on you... in case I'm not the great catch I think I am."
...
You can either go along with his game... or you can tell him he has to decide... that's your call, not us faceless, random postings on a rock band site.
And if you decide to take him back... because he is going to come crawling back because he believes he has a safe place he can bury his bone when all the other girls refuse to play his game... that's on you, not him.
...
Sorry... but, guys can be real fucking assholes.

yep.....

as much as this all sucks to hear, thanks for the input everyone, really helps, and makes sense