who else is caring for their parents as the adult now?
luvisatower
Posts: 1,078
So here's the deal.
I'm a 39 yr old educated, professional woman with children of my own, a home of my own and i am normally happy,easy going etc.
i have been taking care of my mother for the past 5 years. Last year she moved in with us as she is no longer capable of living on her own both for medical and financial reasons.
this woman who gave birth to me walked out of my life when i was 13 yrs old. for the 13 years she was in my life, every day that i can remember was a living hell. i was a physically and emotionally abused child at the hands/words of the woman who gave birth to me. i'm mostly over this, after years of therapy which is why i can tolerate the site of her, i guess.
ten years ago she had breast cancer and it has been a downhill battle with her health since then with practically ever system faltering....she will never get better. in january she had her first heart attack at the age of 58
ten years ago when i thought she would die, i made the attempt to reconnect with her, to forgive her, and it's been a very rocky relationship to say the least.
now, after the past year of living with us, she has become unbearable to tolerate. she is verbally abusive towards me and my children and I caution her about it constantly and i tell my children that it's the medication she's taking that makes her act that way, this is partially true. the woman is on some pretty strong stuff.
She is so nosey and judgemental and hyper-critical.
i do not hit my children, ever and this drives her nuts. everytime one of them mouths off, and what teenager doesnt, she tells me i should backhand them across the mouth, that'd teach them not to mouth off. as if i'd EVER raise a hand to them.
She cannot walk into a room without picking up every piece of paper, reading it making comments etc
today my youngest daughter brought home her end of year report card, making honor roll for the 4th quarter in a row and instead of congratulating her, my mother asked her why wasnt she smart enough to make high honors? this made my daughter cry.
and i'm a Hateful witch according to her when i called her on it.
this is the straw that has broken the camels back.
i cannot take it anymore. it's this you'll never be good enough, no matter what you do feeling that is coming back that was caused by her.
am i bad child for wanting this woman out of my house, my life before she damages my children as she damaged me?
she's sick, broke and has no where to go, unless you count my brother whose wife has forbid him from taking my mother in. she went there to visit once and totally tore my sister-in-law's way of life apart.
i dunno anymore.
anyone else tasked with the care of their parents?
any advice?
I'm a 39 yr old educated, professional woman with children of my own, a home of my own and i am normally happy,easy going etc.
i have been taking care of my mother for the past 5 years. Last year she moved in with us as she is no longer capable of living on her own both for medical and financial reasons.
this woman who gave birth to me walked out of my life when i was 13 yrs old. for the 13 years she was in my life, every day that i can remember was a living hell. i was a physically and emotionally abused child at the hands/words of the woman who gave birth to me. i'm mostly over this, after years of therapy which is why i can tolerate the site of her, i guess.
ten years ago she had breast cancer and it has been a downhill battle with her health since then with practically ever system faltering....she will never get better. in january she had her first heart attack at the age of 58
ten years ago when i thought she would die, i made the attempt to reconnect with her, to forgive her, and it's been a very rocky relationship to say the least.
now, after the past year of living with us, she has become unbearable to tolerate. she is verbally abusive towards me and my children and I caution her about it constantly and i tell my children that it's the medication she's taking that makes her act that way, this is partially true. the woman is on some pretty strong stuff.
She is so nosey and judgemental and hyper-critical.
i do not hit my children, ever and this drives her nuts. everytime one of them mouths off, and what teenager doesnt, she tells me i should backhand them across the mouth, that'd teach them not to mouth off. as if i'd EVER raise a hand to them.
She cannot walk into a room without picking up every piece of paper, reading it making comments etc
today my youngest daughter brought home her end of year report card, making honor roll for the 4th quarter in a row and instead of congratulating her, my mother asked her why wasnt she smart enough to make high honors? this made my daughter cry.
and i'm a Hateful witch according to her when i called her on it.
this is the straw that has broken the camels back.
i cannot take it anymore. it's this you'll never be good enough, no matter what you do feeling that is coming back that was caused by her.
am i bad child for wanting this woman out of my house, my life before she damages my children as she damaged me?
she's sick, broke and has no where to go, unless you count my brother whose wife has forbid him from taking my mother in. she went there to visit once and totally tore my sister-in-law's way of life apart.
i dunno anymore.
anyone else tasked with the care of their parents?
any advice?
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Get it now, get enough, before its gone, let's everybody carry on, carry on....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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join the street team
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Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
i have to say, thankfully, i am not in your situation, nor ever will be, with my mom, anyway. my mother has the means to care for herself, even if she ever gets to the point of not being able to physically do so herself.....and she also was/is an excellent mom. my father has long passed away, as has my mother-in-law. however, my father-in-law......yikes.....i had a thread about elder care just a few months ago, for very similar reasons. thankfully, he does have the financial means to care for himself, he just refuses to do so. this has been an epic battle for my husband, his siblings, and the ABUSE their father rails at them! also, even tho this man has more $$$ than he could ever use, he won't spend a dime, etc. he will not.....ever...live with us. for that i am thankful. my husband in no way wants him in our home, and will do what it takes to get him the care he needs in his own home, or get him into a home. he can spend every miserly penny his saved to live in a nursing home, his choice. it is a truly horrible situation made worse by attitidue, beratement, pettiness, etc. sounds very much like your situation. the only possible advice i may offer....can you possibly get her into nursing care? if she does not have the financial means on her own, i know there are homes for everyone. are you worried about feeling guilty about it? i know for my husband, as horrid a relationship he has always had with his dad, he's still his dad....and i know it pains him to go thru all this and to be tough, etc....but his father would just as soon bankrupt us - he honestly does not care for ANYone outside himself - before he'd willing spend a penny of his own. anyhooo....whew!....i feel for ya! i would try and look into alternative care arrangements b/c you are right....there is no reason for your home environment and peace of mind to be destroyed, mother or no. i wish you the best in dealing with this absolute shit situation. i know ours will be an on-gpoing issue for many years to come....and it sucks.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
she does not have the means to be in nursing care. she was living on her own about 1/2 mile from me until last year and an increase in her rent of $100/month was too much for her to afford We moved her in and tried to find a cheaper place of her own and then she became medically unable to live by/care for herself. She has a very small disability/SS income, she hasnt worked in ten years due to her myriad of illnesses and isnt even retirement age yet. This will go up a bit in 6 years when she hits 65 but not enough.
believe me i have considered it, even the state-run home. but you are right, there is the guilt. i tell myself, others tell me, that i have nothing to be guilty about.
but, as in your husband's case, she will always be my mother.
Get it now, get enough, before its gone, let's everybody carry on, carry on....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.wishlistfoundation.org
WE WANT YOU!!!!
join the street team
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"headphones are highly recommended...." Jeff Ament
but isn't there help for those destitute, who cannot afford care?
or simply b/c you are related, even if estranged - for example - it's still on you?
that's fucked.
and as to my husband....while i am sure he still has twinges of *guilt* over his dad......given the abuse/bad relationship and all else......the fact that he DOES have the means.....the fact that they ALL have tried to help, but not doing things *exactly* as his father wants (as in being at his beck and call, on a whim, etc...being difficult doesn't even begin to encompass it).....after the last bout of mega BS....my husband basically said, fuck him. it's sad, truly sad....and i think most of all, that is what my husband most laments, never having a 'normal' relationship with his father and all that encompasses. it really is tragic, but it truly is HIS choice to be this way, see things as he chooses, and we each only get one life and while they may be your 'parent'...that fact, alone, should not mean you need to ruin your life in the interim.
i feel sad for you both. :(
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
People who have fucked up our past lives do not deserve to be part of our present lives unless something in them changes 100%. I've been witness and an actual victim of this type of abuse. I've even had a lot of people try to trick me with their "changes". However, in the end, you can see a person's true colors, which it seems to be apparent in your mother's case. In my own honest opinion, you are an amazing person for taking her back into your life after she treated you so poorly and walked away from you. There is no harm in trying. However, you tried and she has not changed. She will not change. At this point in her life she feels completely comfortable and okay with living with you. She knows that she has an "in" and that you cannot just drop her. This is likely why she is releasing her true colors and treating everyone so miserably. Miserable people feed off of spreading their misery and for some twisted reason this is the only satisfaction they gain through life.
Drop her. Just because she is your mother does not mean that you have to feel anything for her. You've had to put up with so much aftermath from her damages of the past. It takes a day at a time to heal from those wounds and having her back in your life as the same person is only going to rip those wounds open again. Worst of all, you are right in wanting to defend your own family from her because she CAN and WILL do damage to them just as she did to you. She has her own issues that she has to work out mentally and it sucks that she is having so many health problems, but she kind of asked for this a long time ago (and presently with her unchanging behavior) when she treated you like shit. She cannot just expect YOU to drop everything in your life, accept her, and take care of her if she so miserably failed to do so with you when you were younger.
You're going to feel guilt if you kick her out. This is natural. You will feel guilt because you are a person who feels. People will tell you that it is your obligation as a daughter to help her, to feel love, and to forgive her. That's bullshit! People FEEL like they have to say this kind of garbage to be known as respectable human beings. The key here is to better your life and the life of those you care about. Unfortunately, it seems like ridding her of your life is the only way to do this. Make her deal with her own mess.
Again, sorry is all of that sounds cold, but I'm telling you from my own experience that this is the only way to move on with your own life and be happy. Things only start to look up if you get rid of those who bring you down.
http://thriftstorenightmares.blogspot.com/
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~Wild is my love~
I agree with you.
Iwouldn't put it that way but that was I was thinking. What's the saying you reap what you sew and she has sewn her way out of your house. I help my mother out with her yard with mowing and her landscaping in general. I don't what she's going to do when I move to Florida next year.
However, she'll have to survive without me cause I'm gone. My prayers are with you and for you. Good luck.
Peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
this is a very good suggestion.
i WILL look into this.
thanks
Get it now, get enough, before its gone, let's everybody carry on, carry on....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.wishlistfoundation.org
WE WANT YOU!!!!
join the street team
http://wishlistfoundation.fancorps.com
"headphones are highly recommended...." Jeff Ament
Wonderful Post!!!!!
And some of you people here just blow my fucking mind.....
We are talking about somebodys mother here. She does not need to be referred to as a bitch.
And it amazes me how a few of you just say "throw her out"....
So YOU REALLY THINK the best idea is to throw SOMEONES MOTHER to the street????? FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!!
SHE IS SOMEONES MOTHER!!!!!!!!!
Till there aint nothing left worth taking away from me.....
You do not throw YOUR MOTHER to the streets............
Till there aint nothing left worth taking away from me.....
i hear ya speedy, i do...and overall..i agree. however, being a 'mother' in and of itself, truly, doesn't mean much. LOTs of people are mothers, and fathers, and abuse the shit out of their kids, etc. so all of that does come into play. just sayin'.
i AM glad that dasvidana was able to provide such detailed info. i was alluding to such services above, but i don't know much about them....just that they do, indeed, exist.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
Putting her on the the streets is not the answer but a nursing home might help alleviate the stress of having her mother in her home. She has to try and raise her children in the best home environment as possible and if her mother deter her from that then she HAS to look into other alternatives for her mother to live.
Peace
*MUSIC IS the expression of EMOTION.....and that POLITICS IS merely the DECOY of PERCEPTION*
.....song_Music & Politics....Michael Franti
*The scientists of today think deeply instead of clearly. One must be sane to think clearly, but one can think deeply and be quite INSANE*....Nikola Tesla(a man who shaped our world of electricity with his futuristic inventions)
I empathize with you, not because my situation directly corresponds to yours but in part because I am also involved with caregiving for my 82 year old mother. Since my dad died in 2007 she has become more and more dependent on me and my husband.
Also, I almost revived d2d's thread on caring for aging parent's last month when my mother-in-law suddenly passed away as a result of a massive stroke. I have a lot of concerns about my father-in-law, who still lives independently but I don't know how he is going to manage on his own after losing his wife of 57 years. He is putting up a brave front but my husband and I are wondering how he will do over time.
I also empathize with you because I spent many years working in social services, including several years working for an agency where I taught classes for people caring for aging relatives. I heard many, many stories that were not unlike yours. People often have very valid reasons for distancing themselves from their relatives. You have looked at the situation and I think you are making the best decision for yourself and your children. Your mother chooses to behave the way she does. It might be hard for her to change at this point in her life but it would still be possible. However, she still chooses to wreak havoc in the lives of you and your family. You know her and know how to deal with her but your children don't. That's why you're doing the right thing to make a break with her.
This is very good advice and along the lines of what I was going to suggest. Since your mom is under 60 and probably not eligible for services through AAA, they will probably advise you which agency/agencies can direct you to the appropriate services. For someone just starting out and trying to get information, I would recommend calling the local United Way or Mental Health Association. (Even though the problem doesn't seem to be mental health related, most MHAs have an information and referral service that can guide you to the appropriate agencies. I worked at one for 5 years doing that.
Finally, as far as feeling guilty, that's a pretty natural response. Just don't let it weigh you down. Balance it with what you're doing for your kids. In particular, don't accept any guilt from your mom. I said this in the other parent thread: it takes 2 to make a guilt trip, a guilt-or and a guilt-ee. Our parents have a lot of practice at making us feel guilty for things we do. Don't buy it from your mom.
I'm sorry I didn't post sooner. I injured a tendon in my right arm and I'm trying very hard to limit my computer use! All the best to you. [hugs]
I'm guessing you were brought up in a decent environment. It's not about being a mother. It's about how someone treats you.
http://thriftstorenightmares.blogspot.com/
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=599947572
~Wild is my love~
and as many of you have said, even though she never was what anyone would call a "good mom" she still is my mother and like it or not, i'm charged with caring for her now. i dont think i would be capable of putting her out into the street unless she were to strike one of my children. and that hasnt happened.
i do feel that finding her some assisted care living arrangements are in the best interest of myself and my family.
it's just a matter of how and where.
She is only 58 and even though she is on SS disability, she doesnt qualify for senior citizen assistance for a few more years.
There are a few places i've contacted and for the most part, i'm looking at at least 2 years of her still being here with me due to her age and also the waiting lists and other beaurocratic bs that has to be dealt with.
my kids know their grandma is sick and on heavy medication and i tell them not to take anything she says to them to heart as her mental condition has deteriorated. they understand this even though it isnt easy and it does affect them sometimes.
i've also told her she must go get some counseling and have found her a counselor who specializes in chronically ill patients. maybe this'll help, maybe it wont, but at least it's something.
i do have PoA for her and this makes it at least easy to make the appointments, make her go, etc but it's on her to benefit from it.
i do appreciate all the support our little "community" has given.
it's times like this that make me glad i'm a part of the best fan-base in the world
hugs to all
and good luck to all of us in the "raising our parents" boat.
peace,
~luv~
Get it now, get enough, before its gone, let's everybody carry on, carry on....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.wishlistfoundation.org
WE WANT YOU!!!!
join the street team
http://wishlistfoundation.fancorps.com
"headphones are highly recommended...." Jeff Ament
*May the Peace of the Wilderness be with YOU*
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
— Unknown
i'm so glad you are finding some answers...some solutions....for the here and now, and down the road. wish you the very best, and your mother is a VERY fortunate woman. i hope she does realize that. all the best.....hearts & thoughts and all that warm, fuzzy stuff.......:)
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow