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Hilarious product/restaurant reviews.
deadendp
Northeast Ohio Posts: 10,434
When SD#s texted me to read this review, I knew that it had to be good. There have to be more hilarious reviews like this one. Go! Search! Post! Please don't post product links. I wanna keep this bad boy thread open, please.
Sweet baby Jesus, this thing is like a rabid shark for your disgusting, horned man feet.
By R---D-- September 9, 2013
I am 40. I am male. I trim my toenails when they punch through my socks or my wife complains that I'm shredding the sheets. I have never removed a callus. I didn't even know what calluses were until mine got to the point that I could hardly walk from the pain of having quarter inch stalagmites of dead skin driving into my feet. I lost a bet with my wife and had to go get a pedicure, which was a total waste of 50 bucks getting a slimy foot rub from a high school dropout that looked like she was going to barf. So after that little gem of an experience I shopped around a bit and bought this bad boy, as per the Tribe of Amazon's reviews. In Amazon we trust.
First of all let's get the griping over with: this should be jet black with a skull-and-crossbones, not chocolate brown. Power tools should all be black. A death motif is always a plus. This sucker should come with hardware for mounting it in your garage, or better yet a black holster you can strap to your leg. Because it's far more dangerous than any pistol. Han Solo could outshoot Greedo with this thing.
Like all men, I tossed the instructions in the trash, whipped off my socks, and started filing away. The first thing I noticed was that a) it didn't hurt, and b) I was grinding off an unbelievable amount of dead skin. Because it didn't hurt I decided it was defective and started furiously sawing back and forth. Grind, grind, grind, and now skin was flying like dust from a bandsaw. That was more like it. After about 30 minutes on each foot I had the kind of beautiful, pink baby feet that fetishists dream about. Chucked the meat dust into the garbage, took a shower, and thought nothing of it as I went to bed.
I'm pretty sure the next morning I awoke to the shrill from the smoke alarm going off. Did you know your feet can spontaneously combust? My beautiful pink piggies looked like denuded Vienna sausages. My heels were blood red and inflamed. I could hardly make it to the first aid kit. I wound up slathering about a gallon of Vaseline on each, wishing I had BP around to dump an oil spill on me. Through sheer manly perseverance (read: screaming profanity and crying like a wee girl) I was able to get socks and shoes on, despite my wife's humiliating laughter. I spent two crippling days hobbled to my desk at work and trying to walk as little as possible. Mornings and evenings meant more Vaseline and trips to the grocery store for econo vats of the stuff. By the way, standing in the express checkout with a pained expression while buying huge containers of Vaseline and a baguette your wife asked you to pick up is a great way to strike up a conversation with folks. Made some good friends, yes sir.
TL;DR: this thing works. It's like a chainsaw for your feet. Just shave a little off at a time, and do it over the course of a few nights and not one sitting.
4,424 people found this helpful
By R---D-- September 9, 2013
I am 40. I am male. I trim my toenails when they punch through my socks or my wife complains that I'm shredding the sheets. I have never removed a callus. I didn't even know what calluses were until mine got to the point that I could hardly walk from the pain of having quarter inch stalagmites of dead skin driving into my feet. I lost a bet with my wife and had to go get a pedicure, which was a total waste of 50 bucks getting a slimy foot rub from a high school dropout that looked like she was going to barf. So after that little gem of an experience I shopped around a bit and bought this bad boy, as per the Tribe of Amazon's reviews. In Amazon we trust.
First of all let's get the griping over with: this should be jet black with a skull-and-crossbones, not chocolate brown. Power tools should all be black. A death motif is always a plus. This sucker should come with hardware for mounting it in your garage, or better yet a black holster you can strap to your leg. Because it's far more dangerous than any pistol. Han Solo could outshoot Greedo with this thing.
Like all men, I tossed the instructions in the trash, whipped off my socks, and started filing away. The first thing I noticed was that a) it didn't hurt, and b) I was grinding off an unbelievable amount of dead skin. Because it didn't hurt I decided it was defective and started furiously sawing back and forth. Grind, grind, grind, and now skin was flying like dust from a bandsaw. That was more like it. After about 30 minutes on each foot I had the kind of beautiful, pink baby feet that fetishists dream about. Chucked the meat dust into the garbage, took a shower, and thought nothing of it as I went to bed.
I'm pretty sure the next morning I awoke to the shrill from the smoke alarm going off. Did you know your feet can spontaneously combust? My beautiful pink piggies looked like denuded Vienna sausages. My heels were blood red and inflamed. I could hardly make it to the first aid kit. I wound up slathering about a gallon of Vaseline on each, wishing I had BP around to dump an oil spill on me. Through sheer manly perseverance (read: screaming profanity and crying like a wee girl) I was able to get socks and shoes on, despite my wife's humiliating laughter. I spent two crippling days hobbled to my desk at work and trying to walk as little as possible. Mornings and evenings meant more Vaseline and trips to the grocery store for econo vats of the stuff. By the way, standing in the express checkout with a pained expression while buying huge containers of Vaseline and a baguette your wife asked you to pick up is a great way to strike up a conversation with folks. Made some good friends, yes sir.
TL;DR: this thing works. It's like a chainsaw for your feet. Just shave a little off at a time, and do it over the course of a few nights and not one sitting.
4,424 people found this helpful
2014: Cincinnati
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
Post edited by deadendp on
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Comments
By Andrew
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Cream, 200 ml (Personal Care)
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.
(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
www.cluthelee.com
www.cluthe.com
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
One drawback, when it was delivered the capsule had no bolt on the outside. But I’m handy, so I installed one.
I have been locking the wife and kids into the chamber from 7pm to 7am every evening, and boy am I relaxed. This really works.
2009 - Toronto
2010 - Buffalo
2011 - Toronto 1&2
2013 - London, Pittsburgh, Buffalo
2014 - Cincinnati, St. Louis, Detroit
2016 - Ft. Lauderdale, Miami, Ottawa, Toronto 1
2018 - Fenway 1&2
2022 - Hamilton, Toronto
2023 - Chicago 1&2
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
Yonkers, NY
0 friends
2 reviews
1.0 star rating 10/24/2016
Overpriced food, guy with the busted grill is a first class A-hole
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
Steve
Steve
2 Reviews
Jul 17, 2013POSITIVE Great fresh burritos and sauce 24 hours a day! Only downsides are that most of the time they don't speak English well, and the inside smells like a restroom. I can easily get over that for some grub.
Umm he must EAT while pooping, often..
Ps, trying to find their review where someone says, " you
Know it's authentic Mexican, when there are things like.. 'Brown Pride' and
'Fuck white people' scrawled in gang lettering across the bathroom walls. One of those.. eat before you become the next burrito , sort of establishments.. but whomever pissed them off last sure tasted delicious!"
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
However, it is really affordable. Oh, the sacrifices we make in life for cheap deodorant and cereal. tsk.tsk.
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter..
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”
Are you fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
It certainly sounds like she wrote this during her happy time.
I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.