Hilarious product/restaurant reviews.

deadendp

Every time I walk into this place a small piece of my soul dies.

However, it is really affordable. Oh, the sacrifices we make in life for cheap deodorant and cereal. tsk.tsk.

Enkidu

I've read the gummy bears ones before. I hadn't read the foot one though - I read it out loud to Mr. E and we were both screaming out loud. Brilliant.

whispering hands

Enkidu said:

I've read the gummy bears ones before. I hadn't read the foot one though - I read it out loud to Mr. E and we were both screaming out loud. Brilliant.

I read the Veet one to a friend, and we laughed so hard we cried!

whispering hands

Another must read..

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter..
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

deadendp

Tree, I feel the same about inspiration messages on the tampon wrappers.

whispering hands

Right? That's what makes it so great! ( the letter).

hedonist

Wendi Aarons fucking rocks.

PJfanwillneverleave1

whispering hands said:

Another must read..

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter..
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

wow
It certainly sounds like she wrote this during her happy time.

hedonist

PJfanwillneverleave1 said:

whispering hands said:

Another must read..

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter..
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” or “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

wow
It certainly sounds like she wrote this during her happy time.

Or her "some people just don't fucking get it" time.

Enkidu

Oh man, Tree, that is the best. I love this line:

I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

whispering hands

Enkidu said:

Oh man, Tree, that is the best. I love this line:

I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Right? I first saw this letter when I was still on FB.. that line made me laugh so hard I peed my pants.. my sisters were like 'what?' we had all laughed so hard we peed over that!!

whispering hands

This is my second favorite part:

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

whispering hands

Enkidu said:

Oh man, Tree, that is the best. I love this line:

I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Gives a whole new meaning to 'crotch rocket', huh?

SD48277

From the same guy that did the review in DEP's original post:

"Oh they are superfruity alright.
By R*** D** on July 23, 2014
Flavor: Goji Berries|Size: 1 Pound

I'd like to take a moment to discuss the visceral experience of eating Goji berries. Let's begin.

* Flavor *
First of all, they have a truly unique flavor which I'm hard pressed to describe. Imagine a cross between a pencil eraser (specifically, a Ticonderoga #2 pencil which you've chewed on a bit and used to erase, say, the first paragraph of your essay on 'A Tale of Two Cities') and used Bazooka chewing gum. It's a heady mix. There's a hint of burnt orange and dust bunnies, and a delectable essence of sweat from the child laborers I presume pick these bad boys. It's really quite piquant.

* Texture *
You know those raisins you find under your car seat after your kids have been snacking on them and then decided they were more fun to throw? The ones that have made it through at least one full winter and summer, frozen and baked in the thermal hell that is your vehicle, and then been coated in a light seasoning of floor-mat grit as they roll around? That's what you are in for. Chewy, savory awesomeness.

* Form and Color *
These berries are dried, and as such they resemble wrinkly little footballs with erectile dysfunction. They are a poisonous red color, somewhere between the lid on a can of WD-40 and a black widow's hourglass. Really they are quite striking.

* Pairings *
Let me conclude by saying that these would go well with meatloaf, a nice Gewürztraminer, Potatoes au Gratin, Ding Dongs, and Pepto Bismol. I didn't see any bugs or leaves, as a previous reviewer mentioned, but those would have made for a nice addition. While you can snack on them individually, I found that eating more than six was far too much for my delicate palate and intestinal fortitude.

I suspect I'll have this bag for quite some time."

whispering hands

Just found this one!

Fresh Whole Rabbit
Source & Image: amazon.com
Reviewed by: Ty

“I was sent a live rabbit, a hammer and a skinning knife. It doesn’t get fresher than this, folks.”

whispering hands

Pure gold here:

Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass
Source & Image: amazon.com
Reviewed by: Kristen B

“So finally a weight loss product that I can use, and has results! I have so far used 2 of the kits and the first time was really messy and I almost died. I passed out after the 2nd incision to plant the bypass and passed out. I bled out all over and luckily my yellow lab ran outside after walking in my blood, my neighbors got concerned and called 911. I was saved after loosing a large amount of blood.. My dog saved my life! The second operation I was drunk and was able to perform with little to no side effects other then a nasty scar and a infection that took about 1 month to heal, but all is good and I am skinny now! .. I am so happy I got this kit as who need exercise and eating right! I can eat all I want and every 6 months there is truly a quick fix to weight loss!”

deadendp

While you can snack on them individually, I found that eating more than six was far too much for my delicate palate and intestinal fortitude.

I suspect I'll have this bag for quite some time.

whispering hands

There's some really
Funny folks out there!
Have you guys read "Wolf Shirt", yet?

deadendp

whispering hands

Lol!! Wow!! My favorites are that all the Spanish folks in SPAIN were speaking Spanish.. DUH.. and no one told them there were fish in the water! Hahaha!