PJ fans in 12 step Recovery

deadendp said:

Turning this subject away from concrete corn (thanks Matts) and onward to thread integrity, I have experienced addiction from the other side-- from the side of family.  Looking for advice.  A lil history: 

I am the daughter of a raging alcoholic.  I disowned him when I was 15, was adopted by my step father and had a legal name change.  He died back in July.  He had been suffering from mesothelioma for several years prior and his end life request (I kid you not) was to make certain that my sister (had a relationship) and my brother (hadn't had a relationship with him, but went to see him in the end) were both mentioned in the obituary and I was to be left out.  His end desire was to deliver a big fat fuck you to me.  Somehow he thought I would care.  I didn't.  I would have been pissed off if I was mentioned.  He was an ass, was never there and never made us a priority at all.  His drink was all important and as a kid, that sucked.  He made his choice.  I settled up with the way I felt about it back 31 years ago.  Somehow, he thought one last dig after death would get me.  I don't think so.

My brother is now a recovered heroin addict, but I watched him trip through severe addictions for 22+ years.  My last straw was that he was choosing partying and an abusive girlfriend over his own family.  I had to choose my family over my brother and his addictions.  I told him to contact me after he started making better decisions for his life.  My brother didn't speak to me for 2 1/2 years.  Only just this past year has he sorted himself out, started to be a responsible father, having a relationship with his kids.  My 23 year old niece has custody of her 17 year old brother and has for the last 3 years.  My brother and his ex-wife (who spent 4 years in a women's prison because of antics involving meth addiction) have gotten a home of their own, both have jobs, both are keeping each other out of trouble and are continuing to try to make up for lost time with their children and grandchildren.  And yes, my brother talks to me again. He came to me. 

My cousin has been in the grips of alcohol addiction for probably 10 years, but hid it well up until the last 3 years or so.  Just Saturday night, she tried to commit suicide because of a series of poor choices with the loss of her job being the cherry on top.  She was home with her boyfriend's 4 year old and chose to overdose on some medications she had.  She phoned her brother in California to tell him, who phoned a brother here.  He went, found her with Landon, phoned 911, had her hauled off and she has been in the psych ward since.  She claims that she is going to go to rehab, again, but the last time she signed herself out, citing a laundry list of reasons-- all of which were not her fault. Several of us in the family have had to block her out of our phones because she would call and call, text and call some more regardless of whether we were at work or not.  She talked in endless loops and got mad at all of us.  Again, we had to choose our families over the hot mess of crazy that kept eating at our very souls. 

I have been on the family side of addiction.  I have not personally experienced addiction, but the family end can be hell.  How is it that we can be of support?  How is it that we can encourage, not be taken advantage of, and not get suckered into enabling? I'm someone who doesn't take cutting communication off lightly.  (I'm currently being ghosted right now over something, so I do personally know how psychologically damaging it can be.  Believe me, I don't mean it the same way.)  

I guess the short question is-- What advice do you give to family members? 

Wobbie said:

Matts3221 said:

Every single day is a victory of a very long war.

day 24.

mickeyrat said:

for those inmeshed in the insanity the siggestion would be alanon. or just following your model with your brother.

to try and "help" folks in this state is really not helping at all. we as drunks snd junkies are digging our holes. family trying to help is them kicking dirt back in.... they dont give us a chance to get finished digging.

Wobbie said:

^^^^ a very “Amy thing” to do!

I’m kind of surprised I wake up tired and with a headache every day since I put the bottle down. I used to joke about being a “functioning alcoholic” but I guess my body was used to that “normal.” on the bright side, once I get going, I have been very productive and I don’t waste my days. I’ve had a few urges to have “a beer or two” (something I could rarely do) but haven’t acted on them.

deadendp said:

Wobbie said:

^^^^ a very “Amy thing” to do!

I’m kind of surprised I wake up tired and with a headache every day since I put the bottle down. I used to joke about being a “functioning alcoholic” but I guess my body was used to that “normal.” on the bright side, once I get going, I have been very productive and I don’t waste my days. I’ve had a few urges to have “a beer or two” (something I could rarely do) but haven’t acted on them.

I would be happy to leave you notes on your time card, too.   Happy you have been able to get past the headaches and the urges to stick to sobriety.  

H.Chinaski said:

Almost 5 months sober. No 12 stops or AA for me... not yet anyways as i'm not finding it as difficult as i thought it might be. Proud of myself for putting the bottle down. It had to happen!

njnancy said:

So many great posts full of honesty.  Im having extreme difficulty with my PTSD lately & I feel kinda  not altogether, but I wanted to applaud everyone who is starting their life without using,  that first step is the hardest. Yay all of you.  And kudos to those living everyday in their continuing life as a sober/ clean person.  You are all miracles. 

It is so nice to see people come here just to offer support,  you don't know how much your kind words mean. Seriously. 

I haven't listed names but I'm hoping you all can know that im talking about you.  If that makes  sense. I dont know, just trying here. 

Amy, wow, I am blown away by your post & the very adult decisions you've had to make throughout your life. I come from a family infested with alcoholics & addicts with varying degrees of "functioning" & I had a child with one. Now said child is showing definite signs of addiction.


Im so glad your brother got clean, despite other unhealthy choices.  I lost my brother to alcoholism, in life & eventual death.  And indirectly lost my dad & sister to the disease in life & early deaths. There is a lot more I'd like to say, but you are a strong woman & I know it's painful being powerless. Telling your story here was an incredible step forward in wanting to get better.  Being on the other side is heart breaking & infuriating & confusing.  Mickeyrat had good advice.  Im so sorry for the pain you've experienced. 

That's my best words for now. Keep being loving & kind to each other,  this is a special thread. I love the support here.

Hope I made sense. If not,  I'll be back to try again when I'm mentally healthier.  My brain is screaming "stop typing", so I will. ❤