PJ fans in 12 step Recovery

mickeyrat

for those inmeshed in the insanity the siggestion would be alanon. or just following your model with your brother.

to try and "help" folks in this state is really not helping at all. we as drunks snd junkies are digging our holes. family trying to help is them kicking dirt back in.... they dont give us a chance to get finished digging.

hedonist

deadendp said:

Turning this subject away from concrete corn (thanks Matts) and onward to thread integrity, I have experienced addiction from the other side-- from the side of family.  Looking for advice.  A lil history: 

I am the daughter of a raging alcoholic.  I disowned him when I was 15, was adopted by my step father and had a legal name change.  He died back in July.  He had been suffering from mesothelioma for several years prior and his end life request (I kid you not) was to make certain that my sister (had a relationship) and my brother (hadn't had a relationship with him, but went to see him in the end) were both mentioned in the obituary and I was to be left out.  His end desire was to deliver a big fat fuck you to me.  Somehow he thought I would care.  I didn't.  I would have been pissed off if I was mentioned.  He was an ass, was never there and never made us a priority at all.  His drink was all important and as a kid, that sucked.  He made his choice.  I settled up with the way I felt about it back 31 years ago.  Somehow, he thought one last dig after death would get me.  I don't think so.

My brother is now a recovered heroin addict, but I watched him trip through severe addictions for 22+ years.  My last straw was that he was choosing partying and an abusive girlfriend over his own family.  I had to choose my family over my brother and his addictions.  I told him to contact me after he started making better decisions for his life.  My brother didn't speak to me for 2 1/2 years.  Only just this past year has he sorted himself out, started to be a responsible father, having a relationship with his kids.  My 23 year old niece has custody of her 17 year old brother and has for the last 3 years.  My brother and his ex-wife (who spent 4 years in a women's prison because of antics involving meth addiction) have gotten a home of their own, both have jobs, both are keeping each other out of trouble and are continuing to try to make up for lost time with their children and grandchildren.  And yes, my brother talks to me again. He came to me. 

My cousin has been in the grips of alcohol addiction for probably 10 years, but hid it well up until the last 3 years or so.  Just Saturday night, she tried to commit suicide because of a series of poor choices with the loss of her job being the cherry on top.  She was home with her boyfriend's 4 year old and chose to overdose on some medications she had.  She phoned her brother in California to tell him, who phoned a brother here.  He went, found her with Landon, phoned 911, had her hauled off and she has been in the psych ward since.  She claims that she is going to go to rehab, again, but the last time she signed herself out, citing a laundry list of reasons-- all of which were not her fault. Several of us in the family have had to block her out of our phones because she would call and call, text and call some more regardless of whether we were at work or not.  She talked in endless loops and got mad at all of us.  Again, we had to choose our families over the hot mess of crazy that kept eating at our very souls. 

I have been on the family side of addiction.  I have not personally experienced addiction, but the family end can be hell.  How is it that we can be of support?  How is it that we can encourage, not be taken advantage of, and not get suckered into enabling? I'm someone who doesn't take cutting communication off lightly.  (I'm currently being ghosted right now over something, so I do personally know how psychologically damaging it can be.  Believe me, I don't mean it the same way.)  

I guess the short question is-- What advice do you give to family members? 

I wish I knew, my friend.  I think you're wise to put your family first, and it sounds like you're doing what you have to (blocking the phone, etc.) to keep the madness from being in your life - as a safety net, of sorts.

I hope others here can offer better insight than I.

And kudos to your brother!

Fifthelement

Wobbie said:

Matts3221 said:

Every single day is a victory of a very long war.

day 24.

Congrats Rob.  Keep it up.

deadendp said:

Turning this subject away from concrete corn (thanks Matts) and onward to thread integrity, I have experienced addiction from the other side-- from the side of family.  Looking for advice.  A lil history: 

I am the daughter of a raging alcoholic.  I disowned him when I was 15, was adopted by my step father and had a legal name change.  He died back in July.  He had been suffering from mesothelioma for several years prior and his end life request (I kid you not) was to make certain that my sister (had a relationship) and my brother (hadn't had a relationship with him, but went to see him in the end) were both mentioned in the obituary and I was to be left out.  His end desire was to deliver a big fat fuck you to me.  Somehow he thought I would care.  I didn't.  I would have been pissed off if I was mentioned.  He was an ass, was never there and never made us a priority at all.  His drink was all important and as a kid, that sucked.  He made his choice.  I settled up with the way I felt about it back 31 years ago.  Somehow, he thought one last dig after death would get me.  I don't think so.

My brother is now a recovered heroin addict, but I watched him trip through severe addictions for 22+ years.  My last straw was that he was choosing partying and an abusive girlfriend over his own family.  I had to choose my family over my brother and his addictions.  I told him to contact me after he started making better decisions for his life.  My brother didn't speak to me for 2 1/2 years.  Only just this past year has he sorted himself out, started to be a responsible father, having a relationship with his kids.  My 23 year old niece has custody of her 17 year old brother and has for the last 3 years.  My brother and his ex-wife (who spent 4 years in a women's prison because of antics involving meth addiction) have gotten a home of their own, both have jobs, both are keeping each other out of trouble and are continuing to try to make up for lost time with their children and grandchildren.  And yes, my brother talks to me again. He came to me. 

My cousin has been in the grips of alcohol addiction for probably 10 years, but hid it well up until the last 3 years or so.  Just Saturday night, she tried to commit suicide because of a series of poor choices with the loss of her job being the cherry on top.  She was home with her boyfriend's 4 year old and chose to overdose on some medications she had.  She phoned her brother in California to tell him, who phoned a brother here.  He went, found her with Landon, phoned 911, had her hauled off and she has been in the psych ward since.  She claims that she is going to go to rehab, again, but the last time she signed herself out, citing a laundry list of reasons-- all of which were not her fault. Several of us in the family have had to block her out of our phones because she would call and call, text and call some more regardless of whether we were at work or not.  She talked in endless loops and got mad at all of us.  Again, we had to choose our families over the hot mess of crazy that kept eating at our very souls. 

I have been on the family side of addiction.  I have not personally experienced addiction, but the family end can be hell.  How is it that we can be of support?  How is it that we can encourage, not be taken advantage of, and not get suckered into enabling? I'm someone who doesn't take cutting communication off lightly.  (I'm currently being ghosted right now over something, so I do personally know how psychologically damaging it can be.  Believe me, I don't mean it the same way.)  

I guess the short question is-- What advice do you give to family members? 

Sounds brutal deadendp.  However, your priorities are in the right place - you and your family.  Cutting people with toxic behaviours or habits out of your life is never easy, but  it is necessary.  Sending much love your way.

hedonist

Wobbie said:

Matts3221 said:

Every single day is a victory of a very long war.

day 24.

Dammit, I meant to congratulate you as well, Wob

deadendp

hedonist said:

Wobbie said:

Matts3221 said:

Every single day is a victory of a very long war.

day 24.

Dammit, I meant to congratulate you as well, Wob

Me, too!  

deadendp

mickeyrat said:

for those inmeshed in the insanity the siggestion would be alanon. or just following your model with your brother.

to try and "help" folks in this state is really not helping at all. we as drunks snd junkies are digging our holes. family trying to help is them kicking dirt back in.... they dont give us a chance to get finished digging.

Thank you for reaching out and for your words of advice.  Turns out that everything you shared with me was passed on to those who needed it today.  My cousin was released from the hospital and now that she is out, she has decided rehab is a no-go for her.  She wants family support for a re-run of what she bailed on before.  She's having a hard time finding someone to "just support her."  (AKA under her terms, which proved worthless last time.)  Typical, but rehab was doable while she was doing the song and dance waiting to be released from the psych ward. 

In most wonderful news, a coworker's first soberversary was yesterday.  I recalled him mentioning it many months ago, so I put it onto my calendar.  I tried to track him down before my buying meeting, but couldn't find him.  I left a note on his time card.  He found me today.  I grabbed him up, hugged him tight and told him how proud I was of him.  He said that the note meant the world to him.  I have seen just a little of his battle, but enough to keep checking in.  "Are you still behaving?"  (He knew what I was talking about.)  So very glad that I was able to see him make it to that one year milestone.  

Wobbie

^^^^ a very “Amy thing” to do!

I’m kind of surprised I wake up tired and with a headache every day since I put the bottle down. I used to joke about being a “functioning alcoholic” but I guess my body was used to that “normal.” on the bright side, once I get going, I have been very productive and I don’t waste my days. I’ve had a few urges to have “a beer or two” (something I could rarely do) but haven’t acted on them.

deadendp

Wobbie said:

^^^^ a very “Amy thing” to do!

I’m kind of surprised I wake up tired and with a headache every day since I put the bottle down. I used to joke about being a “functioning alcoholic” but I guess my body was used to that “normal.” on the bright side, once I get going, I have been very productive and I don’t waste my days. I’ve had a few urges to have “a beer or two” (something I could rarely do) but haven’t acted on them.

I would be happy to leave you notes on your time card, too.   Happy you have been able to get past the headaches and the urges to stick to sobriety.  

mickeyrat

Wobbie said:

^^^^ a very “Amy thing” to do!

I’m kind of surprised I wake up tired and with a headache every day since I put the bottle down. I used to joke about being a “functioning alcoholic” but I guess my body was used to that “normal.” on the bright side, once I get going, I have been very productive and I don’t waste my days. I’ve had a few urges to have “a beer or two” (something I could rarely do) but haven’t acted on them.

I expect you are still in detox mode. whatever selfhealing the body can and will do, can take up to 5 years to accomplish. HOWEVER what you are describing with the headaches is normal. the brain has been pickled for a while now. It will take some time to adjust. Has your nicotine use increased? that could be a contributor...

oftenreading

deadendp said:

Wobbie said:

^^^^ a very “Amy thing” to do!

I’m kind of surprised I wake up tired and with a headache every day since I put the bottle down. I used to joke about being a “functioning alcoholic” but I guess my body was used to that “normal.” on the bright side, once I get going, I have been very productive and I don’t waste my days. I’ve had a few urges to have “a beer or two” (something I could rarely do) but haven’t acted on them.

I would be happy to leave you notes on your time card, too.   Happy you have been able to get past the headaches and the urges to stick to sobriety.  

Wob's timecard would be very long, since he started work back in the stone age

Seriously, wonderful news, Wob. Urges and cravings will come but they will also go. Stay strong and keep on going. 

HughFreakingDillon

Wobbie said:

^^^^ a very “Amy thing” to do!

I’m kind of surprised I wake up tired and with a headache every day since I put the bottle down. I used to joke about being a “functioning alcoholic” but I guess my body was used to that “normal.” on the bright side, once I get going, I have been very productive and I don’t waste my days. I’ve had a few urges to have “a beer or two” (something I could rarely do) but haven’t acted on them.

sometimes the drink is what it takes to feel "normal" again. your body has to relearn what normal is. 

I'm thinking of doing this Sober October thing. Just to see how it goes. 

Hobbes

H.Chinaski said:

Almost 5 months sober. No 12 stops or AA for me... not yet anyways as i'm not finding it as difficult as i thought it might be. Proud of myself for putting the bottle down. It had to happen!

Proud of you, too.

njnancy

So many great posts full of honesty.  Im having extreme difficulty with my PTSD lately & I feel kinda  not altogether, but I wanted to applaud everyone who is starting their life without using,  that first step is the hardest. Yay all of you.  And kudos to those living everyday in their continuing life as a sober/ clean person.  You are all miracles. 

It is so nice to see people come here just to offer support,  you don't know how much your kind words mean. Seriously. 

I haven't listed names but I'm hoping you all can know that im talking about you.  If that makes  sense. I dont know, just trying here. 

Amy, wow, I am blown away by your post & the very adult decisions you've had to make throughout your life. I come from a family infested with alcoholics & addicts with varying degrees of "functioning" & I had a child with one. Now said child is showing definite signs of addiction.


Im so glad your brother got clean, despite other unhealthy choices.  I lost my brother to alcoholism, in life & eventual death.  And indirectly lost my dad & sister to the disease in life & early deaths. There is a lot more I'd like to say, but you are a strong woman & I know it's painful being powerless. Telling your story here was an incredible step forward in wanting to get better.  Being on the other side is heart breaking & infuriating & confusing.  Mickeyrat had good advice.  Im so sorry for the pain you've experienced. 

That's my best words for now. Keep being loving & kind to each other,  this is a special thread. I love the support here.

Hope I made sense. If not,  I'll be back to try again when I'm mentally healthier.  My brain is screaming "stop typing", so I will. ❤

deadendp

njnancy said:

So many great posts full of honesty.  Im having extreme difficulty with my PTSD lately & I feel kinda  not altogether, but I wanted to applaud everyone who is starting their life without using,  that first step is the hardest. Yay all of you.  And kudos to those living everyday in their continuing life as a sober/ clean person.  You are all miracles. 

It is so nice to see people come here just to offer support,  you don't know how much your kind words mean. Seriously. 

I haven't listed names but I'm hoping you all can know that im talking about you.  If that makes  sense. I dont know, just trying here. 

Amy, wow, I am blown away by your post & the very adult decisions you've had to make throughout your life. I come from a family infested with alcoholics & addicts with varying degrees of "functioning" & I had a child with one. Now said child is showing definite signs of addiction.


Im so glad your brother got clean, despite other unhealthy choices.  I lost my brother to alcoholism, in life & eventual death.  And indirectly lost my dad & sister to the disease in life & early deaths. There is a lot more I'd like to say, but you are a strong woman & I know it's painful being powerless. Telling your story here was an incredible step forward in wanting to get better.  Being on the other side is heart breaking & infuriating & confusing.  Mickeyrat had good advice.  Im so sorry for the pain you've experienced. 

That's my best words for now. Keep being loving & kind to each other,  this is a special thread. I love the support here.

Hope I made sense. If not,  I'll be back to try again when I'm mentally healthier.  My brain is screaming "stop typing", so I will. ❤

Nancy, 



Much love to you. I thank you for your kindness. 


Amy

Fifthelement

Sending much love your way @njnancy.  You are in my heart and mind.

Wobbie

33 (day) Club.

deadendp

Wobbie said:

33 (day) Club.

Odd way of presenting it here, but congratulations! 

hedonist

And in seven days:

Well done, Wob!

Wobbie

deadendp said:

Wobbie said:

33 (day) Club.

Odd way of presenting it here, but congratulations! 

you ohio people get it.

F Me In The Brain

Latrobe congratulates you.