Should I ask Agnes out on a date?

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  • OffSheGoes35
    OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,517
    No
    kce8 said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    There was a reason you didn't get with him back in the day...trust your intuition.
    Well, yes, I always thought you should not start a relationship with a really close friend. I didn't want to ruin the friendship.

    I'm sorry looks like I used the wrong words - I will definitely not get into something with him.
    i didn't really think you were going to start anything. I thought you were just creating a distraction for the Agnes regulars. And I appreciate that! :)
  • Spiritual_Chaos
    Spiritual_Chaos Posts: 31,465
    kce8 said:
    Spiritual_Chaos said:
    kce8 said:
    PJ_Soul said:
    kce8 said:
    Okay, as long as Agnes is still busy with the wrong guy and S_C has no other girl to talk about, I would like to ask for your opinion. ;)

    Suppose you have lost a really good old close friend about 15 years ago completely out of sight. You spent your whole youth with him. 7 years ago, at the first reunion, he mumbled in drunken condition that he left the clique 25 years ago because of you. "Do you actually know that I was sooo in love with you and you totally broke my heart back then?"
    Eh What ??? And all you could respond was asking him why he never have said anything. 
    Yeah, he once mentioned that he liked you back then, but that somehow seemed more like trying to keep you away from other guys. You never thought that he was actually really interested in you. You were just close friends and you were afraid he would find it just great just because you have connected so well as friends.
    Now you have met him since last summer and after just these 7 years already 4 times on parties.
    The last two times he started talking about it again, he said stuff like that you have since (over 25 years) still "something open" between each other. He said that openly and loud in front of all your old friends. 
    Ok, he was slightly drunk but that went so far that even the old friends wondered what's going on with us.
    He is married and has a 15 year old daughter. He may not be super happy in his marriage, but you strongly doubt he would change that.

    So why does he come back with it after all these years, where you still get along so well? He has not given you direct advances and hopefully it will stay that way, but he behaved like it was the most normal thing in the world. He hugged snuggled and held you as he did 25 years ago. 
    You feared he would call you the next day. He did not.
    So why is he just doing that? You will meet again this coming weekend at a friend's birthday party.
    How the hell do you behave when you're happy about the renewed contact - you really enjoy his company again -  but do not want to be the scapegoat for any marital disputes? 
    He is married with a kid, so you force yourself to just treat him like a friend, make an effort not to send any vibes, and straight up reject any advances if he makes any, even if it's really really hard to do so. You do NOT want to get in the middle of a family like that. If he really isn't into the marriage, then he can file for divorce, and THEN you can follow your heart. 
    Yes, and I didn't send any vibes and I even don't want to get into something with him.

    I have to admit that I did not expect how much that would affect me.
    I mean, I do not have to behave. He must.
    Empathy should make you ”have” to behave. 

    I have and I will. You misunderstood me. I am not interested in such a relationship! I am interested in the friendship!
    But I have learned that most men with women can not have lasting friendship when they are married. I have a few friendships with guys that work great. But they do not tell me that I broke their heart, so I do not know why he tells me that again and again.
    I'm just confused about that.
    Love mixed with nostalgia and memories of ones youth is a strong (and dangerous) combination. 
    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
  • kce8
    kce8 Posts: 1,636
    PJ_Soul said:

    Oh I see. TBH, I assumed you were having feelings as well just because I don't see any reason in even really worrying about this otherwise. You not wanting anything with him at all really simplifies the issue! If he pulls anything even remotely inappropriate, just straight up tell him that it's inappropriate and to back off. Problem solves I would hope. If he kept it up after that, then he's an idiot anyhow. 
    I was more thinking about what could have been long ago not today. If at all.
    He has not been inappropriate, he only talked about it and I only felt uncomfortable as he said it with our friends around. 
    I can not blame him just because he tells me that he likes me a lot.
    I guess I should tell him to stop, but I do not want to insult him. Looks like I have to ask him next time why he does that ...
    How embarrassing… :disappointed:
  • kce8
    kce8 Posts: 1,636
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    kce8 said:
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    There was a reason you didn't get with him back in the day...trust your intuition.
    Well, yes, I always thought you should not start a relationship with a really close friend. I didn't want to ruin the friendship.

    I'm sorry looks like I used the wrong words - I will definitely not get into something with him.
    i didn't really think you were going to start anything. I thought you were just creating a distraction for the Agnes regulars. And I appreciate that! :)
    Haha... well… ;)
  • kce8
    kce8 Posts: 1,636
    Spiritual_Chaos said:
    kce8 said:




    I have and I will. You misunderstood me. I am not interested in such a relationship! I am interested in the friendship!
    But I have learned that most men with women can not have lasting friendship when they are married. I have a few friendships with guys that work great. But they do not tell me that I broke their heart, so I do not know why he tells me that again and again.
    I'm just confused about that.
    Love mixed with nostalgia and memories of ones youth is a strong (and dangerous) combination. 
    :|  The more I talk about it, the more I am getting confused about it. Why tf do I feel guilty?
  • Spiritual_Chaos
    Spiritual_Chaos Posts: 31,465
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPHCLOaA5Ms
    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
  • PJ_Soul
    PJ_Soul Vancouver, BC Posts: 50,665
    Yes
    kce8 said:
    PJ_Soul said:

    Oh I see. TBH, I assumed you were having feelings as well just because I don't see any reason in even really worrying about this otherwise. You not wanting anything with him at all really simplifies the issue! If he pulls anything even remotely inappropriate, just straight up tell him that it's inappropriate and to back off. Problem solves I would hope. If he kept it up after that, then he's an idiot anyhow. 
    I was more thinking about what could have been long ago not today. If at all.
    He has not been inappropriate, he only talked about it and I only felt uncomfortable as he said it with our friends around. 
    I can not blame him just because he tells me that he likes me a lot.
    I guess I should tell him to stop, but I do not want to insult him. Looks like I have to ask him next time why he does that ...
    How embarrassing… :disappointed:
    Yeah, it could be awkward for sure. But ugh, sometimes that just has to be. FWIW, I think him just talking about it is completely inappropriate, since he is a married man! He needs to check himself! 
    With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
  • kce8
    kce8 Posts: 1,636
    PJ_Soul said:

    Yeah, it could be awkward for sure. But ugh, sometimes that just has to be. FWIW, I think him just talking about it is completely inappropriate, since he is a married man! He needs to check himself! 
    Hm, I didn't find it inappropriate at that moment. It was just something between us. As long as he was obviously talking about the past. It had nothing to do with his wife. But he said it already and that should be enough. 
    I fear the moment he could try. Then it will be ruined...
    It makes me very sad now, to be honest. 
  • stuckinline
    stuckinline Posts: 3,406
    kce8 said:
    PJ_Soul said:

    Yeah, it could be awkward for sure. But ugh, sometimes that just has to be. FWIW, I think him just talking about it is completely inappropriate, since he is a married man! He needs to check himself! 
    Hm, I didn't find it inappropriate at that moment. It was just something between us. As long as he was obviously talking about the past. It had nothing to do with his wife. But he said it already and that should be enough. 
    I fear the moment he could try. Then it will be ruined...
    It makes me very sad now, to be honest. 

    The relationship expert adds that when a spouse cheats on his or her significant other, it's more about the person who cheats than the other person. 

    "When we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from — but the person that we ourselves have become," Perel says. "And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self."

    https://www.businessinsider.com/esther-perel-relationship-advice-why-couples-cheat-2015-12

  • Hobbes
    Hobbes Pacific Northwest Posts: 6,438
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    I think that Hobbes is really Batman. And he isn't posting right now, because he's fighting crime.

  • Spiritual_Chaos
    Spiritual_Chaos Posts: 31,465
    I can't muster up energy to get on tinder again. 
    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
  • OffSheGoes35
    OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,517
    No
    Spiritual_Chaos said:
    I can't muster up energy to get on tinder again. 
    Let your mom choose for you.
  • OffSheGoes35
    OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,517
    No
    What's the worst that could happen?
  • Spiritual_Chaos
    Spiritual_Chaos Posts: 31,465
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Spiritual_Chaos said:
    I can't muster up energy to get on tinder again. 
    Let your mom choose for you.
    I think my mom wants me to be gay. She once said she was surprised that no one of her four kids was gay.
    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
  • OffSheGoes35
    OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,517
    No
    Mother knows best. 
  • Spiritual_Chaos
    Spiritual_Chaos Posts: 31,465
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    Mother knows best. 

    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
  • OffSheGoes35
    OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,517
    No

  • Spiritual_Chaos
    Spiritual_Chaos Posts: 31,465
    OffSheGoes35 said:


    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
  • OffSheGoes35
    OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,517
    No
    What kind of man do you think she would choose for you? Maybe she would choose a Jason Bateman type!
  • Spiritual_Chaos
    Spiritual_Chaos Posts: 31,465
    OffSheGoes35 said:
    What kind of man do you think she would choose for you? Maybe she would choose a Jason Bateman type!
    Hmm. Good question. Will ask her on Thursday when i visit.
    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"

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