Last Kiss

The poem above I wrote just yet.
But to get the movie of her passing out of my head I made two paintings

Here they come:

Hi Talon,
Nice talking to you again. Indeed it is hard for me around this time of the year. But I understand why it took you a while to respond.

I'm sorry, to hear about the struggle your mother has to go trough right now. I've witnessed this struggle twice, very close and it's a hard one. Cancer is a bitch! First my mother got the diagnosis on new years eve six years ago. By then it was already incurable, but the doctors tried to buy her more time with chemo. It didn't work and her last time on this planet she felt really miserable. She was also 65 when she past away. Had always worked hard and had just retired. Full of life and plans for what she wanted to do. It wasn't fair, but what in life is? I took care of her by myself those last six weeks, cause I don't have any siblings, so I watched the sickness progress very quickly and very close. I strongly believe that she went way to early but died at the right time.
I mean by that, that i wished she had have more time to enjoy her retirement, but that the way the sickness diminished her ability to live her life the way she wanted to, was so great that for her there was no quality of life left.
The week before she died she told me she gave up on hope for a lot of things she loved to do, like tracking trough the mountains, or horseback riding. But she wished she wound once see the sea again. Unfortunately, that wasn't possible anymore. After she was cremated I decided to scatter her ashes into the sea to bring her to the place she loved the most.

A half year after she pasted away my legal "Father" got also the diagnosis Cancer. His struggle lasted three and a half years. Bit by bit he had to give up all the things with made life meaningful for him. The last half year the only thing he could do was lay in his hospital bed. He was proud if he could walk 10 feet behind his walking frame. But his wife wasn't able to let him go. But for him there was no quality of life left.

It takes strength and courage to let loved ones go. It's not easy to do. But in my opinion quality of life is much more important then quantity. The last days of the lives of my parents I told them that they had my permission to pass away. I my experience it's really difficult to let life pass away. Not only for the close ones but especially for the person who is dying. Living is a habit with is not easy to let go. By giving someone the permission to die it makes it more easy for the person to let this habit go. At such a moment there is always grief and pain for the ones left behind. But it gave me peace to give that permission and help them pass away. In both occasions I felt deeply that their time had run out, and further delay would only lengthen their suffering. I do miss them both deeply, but I'm glad their struggle has ended.

As for the songs you dedicate to my mother, I'm not sure Come back is the right one. I'm grateful for the time we had, but I've grown a lot since she passed, and I'm quit sure I wouldn't have grown this much if she was still alive. And I surely don't miss all her critics on me. I always choose the hard way off living. Without darkness there is no light to appreciate.

I'm not sure I wish for my kids (or myself) to become hundred years old, both my grand mothers have reached that age, in good health. But they became at last very lonely because all their friends and loved ones past away earlier. Everyone wishes to become old but being old is a whole different story. I hope for my kids to live a happy meaningful life, for as long as they are given, I think.

I wish you the best in this difficult time and hope we talk again soon.

Aafke

Hi Talon,

I'm not so sure a lot of people would be pleased to meet me. Here I'm a lot more honest then I am in my daily live, especially when it comes to expressing my true feelings. For me this is one of the first times to show other people my fragile side in writing. I did this for a long time in my visual art, but never shared it with many people. As for my writings, especially those I kept to myself. I wrote in my own language, and let just one or two people read it. They told me it was shit. Dyslectic as i am, I never dared to write in English. But hey, computers do have spelling control these days, and if I don't know a word in English I do still have a dictionary (with I use a lot these days) . In my daily life I always try to be strong and independent. Therefor a lot of people find me scary and emotionless. They have compared me with a snake, as being smart but cold (this was a long time ago but it still hurts).

I understand your take on the spell of longevity to your beloved ones. It hard to lose one you love deeply but people are most often stronger than they think they are. I do wish your loved ones all the best in the world, don't get me wrong. But I also wouldn't wish for you to sell yourself short.

About that lighter yet very serious note, quite a lot of people did see it, as i'm very pleased with, by the way. But not that many people did gave a reply yet, unfortunately... I had my hopes up for other reply's than ... Great work. However it's always nice to hear people like your work. But with substantial feedback I can improve my work. Cause I am just having a little bit of a painters block. I'm not shore how to proceed from here on. The water still working great, but it becomes kind of a manner. At this point in life I would like to express myself more kinda in your face, like with my older works, where people are living trough the emotions I dealt with. Like the one underneath.

So don't be jealous... most comments weren't intimate for me. And I do still like our conversations... I'm trying to spread my wings but its hard to fly on your own without any wind. :roll:

So you can't keep me to yourself, I'm not a prop but a living human being. But nice of you to try....



Have a happy new year, and I'll talk to you then!

Keep doing what feels best, is easier said than done, for me, especially in visual arts. Those water drawings feel great when i work on them, but don´t give me the release afterwords as the other works do. But those are harder to start with, because i have to dig deep inside myself. In a way all my works are selfies, one way or an other. Because I use them to express the feeling I hide inside, the water drawings included. I think all great art is made with deep emotions, that's why we can relate to it. It speaks to our own emotions.
And yes, maybe I give myself not enough credit, but hey, self concision isn´t my strongest quality. But i´m working on it...

About the dancer, she wasn´t posted on this discussion, but elsewhere I believe it was in the `Why PJ's song Alive means that much to me`discussion. She´s still out there. But I´ll Post her here also. I´m not in any way offended by your critics, I like hearing what you and other people see in my work. It gives me the opportunity to see if what I ´m trying to tell with the work, is understood without me telling the whole story in words. I think Great art has to speak for its self, without much explanation by the artist afterwords. And the great thing about art is that anyone can see, hear or feel something different in a work. But as long as the work makes a connection with the feelings of the observer, the artist has done its job.That´s why it´s great to get feedback on my work, because it means I have touched someone else with it, one way or an other. By the way most off the comments are very sensitive, and polite, so why would I feel offended?

Great to hear that you manage to quit smoking cigs, I´m not able to, at least not at the moment, to the great grieve of my youngest son, who wishes me to quit. Cigs are also my only substance abuse, but for me its impossible to quit at the moment, To much stress by setting up my own business in a land that is in great economical crisis gives a lot of stress... :-S But it´s great that I can help you with it in a way. I saw your post in Rollings piece. Thanks for the wishes. I replied also on it with the best wishes for everyone.

I know words never tell the whole story, that´s why I started making visual art, However that doesn´t tell the whole story either....

By the way I don´t think feelings aren´t either male or female, they just are, and in one way or an other you have to deal with them. And I´m glad everyone is doing that so freely around here, I think PJ and especially Ed give great examples by doing this so publicly. For me it´s not showing their feminine side but showing their humanity. But hey, that´s just my opinion...

I hope we´ll talk agian soon, and for now here she is... THE DANCER

Yes, let;s hope it will work out the way I want it to....

But as long as it doesn't it gives me time to do some artwork for myself... :-\" So here comes an other piece

This is a lithographic print on quit heavy dipped paper, so the white shines trough the blue, cause of the structure of the paper. No, it's not a native american. It's my ex, the father of my kids back in his grunge days when we first met. I fell head over heals for him. I made this piece after I made a photo shoot of him on a blustery day, right before his nineteenth birthday. So yes, I cheat sometimes, this piece is almost eighteen years old. But it's still a strong one.... I studied his face while I took pics of hem all day. And this work came out of it.... Looking back on it, I think it shows the love I felt for him back then, and the strength I wished/believed he had.

The long hair was left at the barber, and he was quit a weak man, but he gave me two beautiful sons, and I'm very thankful for that.



I know that the message about the pics was no PM, but i don't have figured out yet how to make a PM. And this wasn't all that private anyway. But maybe you can help me, with the making of a PM. Cause I don't have a clue how to do that anymore... X_X

Talk to you soon... :-h

Live chat would be nice, but I believe we have a bit of a time-difference problem. Cause my timezone is central European . time. So for me it was 3 am when you posted the request. And although I do stay up quit late, I have to sleep sometimes, especially when the kids are at home. So for that maybe we can look for a time witch is decent for the both of us. :-c

Strength and weakness

When I first met you
I fell for you head over heels,
The strength in your weakness
To share your fragile side
With the world
With me…
You saw me
I couldn’t nor wouldn’t pretend
The mask came off…
You understood me…
I understood you…
At least I thought we did…
It felt so safe and secure…
For the first time I belonged
We’ve been through so much
Together…
Us against the world…

But along the way…
We lost each other
The sharing stopped..
Each of us became the prisoner
Off his own head
The sorrow and pain
All locked inside
Pretended to be strong
Pretended to be happy

Our strength became our weakness
Security became scaring
Trust became lies
Safety became violence
How could it go wrong like this?


Standing naked ... together



Made this one for my ex on his first birthday we were together..