Last Kiss

Aafke · October 2013

Last kiss

Dead already on your doorstep
You were slipping away, out of conscious
We all came along to pay our last respects
Al your children stood by grandma,
She was on the edge of panic,
In tears of grieve, by the idea of losing you
No one came close to you, while you were dying
In that room full of people you where dying alone
I saw your needs….
A wet napkin to cool your burning head,
A gentle hand to stroke your hair
A soft voice to guild you on your way
No bandages to stop your fighting spirit
For the first time you needed me
You were dying so I let my guard down
I let my guard down….
Why did I do that?
I shout have known better
I knew what a violent drunk you were
I knew about all the damage you had done
Why on earth did I think that this was different?
Why did I still care?
You slowly regain conscious
You weren't able to speak
You couldn't write anymore
But your eyes told all about your despair, your fragility…
That look, that looks, it moved something inside me
That look was reaching out for me, just me, and no one else
In that moment I felt loved
I felt special, not just another girl that didn't count
You beckoned me to come closer
Closer and closer…
Alarm bells should have rang clearly
But they didn't…
Sirens should have gone crazy,
But they didn't…. they didn't
I came close enough for you to kiss me
I felt so proud, so released,
You finely appreciated me
For the first time… you saw me
You kissed me….
But not as a grandfather should kiss his grandchild
You graphed my head, pulling me closer…
Forcing your tong into my mouth
Grabbing my breasts
How could you, why did you…?
Did you mistake me for my grandma?
How conscious were you?
I froze,… didn't know how to react
The whole family was there,
But they didn't see, or wouldn't they?
Your daughters probably thought it was my turn
I should have been glad he didn't took me sooner
I was only sixteen….
I never felt this alone
In that moment I began questioning my own experience
Did this incident really have happen?
But it did…I know that, I felt it…
How could you? Why did I let you?
I managed to free me from your firm grip
But couldn't free myself from your despaired look
Telling me you needed me…
Or was that just what I wanted to see?
You humiliated me so deeply
Why couldn't I speak out?
Why don’t I hate you for what you did?
Why do I still grave for your approval?
Why did I still trust you to come so close to me?
Why do I still love you?
After you have molested me, with that last kiss

I know its far to long and I am still working on it, so if you have feedback, please let me know.

justam · October 2013

Yikes! :?
This is incredibly dark! :shock:

Aafke · October 2013

Just for the first time telling what happened.

Aafke · October 2013

justam · October 2013

Aafke wrote:

Just for the first time telling what happened.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Aafke · October 2013

Me to... but telling after so many years gives me some release.

Aafke · October 2013

Okay, some changes had been made in the last bit. Its not shorter but I added some lines so I won't post the whole writing just the last nine lines. I'm not shore if its an improvement so let me hear what you think...

Or was that just what I wanted to see?
Did you just want to use me…?
You humiliated me so deeply
Why couldn’t I speak out?
Why don’t I hate you for what you did?
Why do I still grave for your approval?
Why did I still trust you to come so close to me?
Why do I still love you?
After you have molested me, with that last kiss before you passed away....

TalonTedd · October 2013

I was spellbound by your poem. It made me wonder about you but mostly about the man, your granddad. I wonder if this abusive man was stalking your feelings for him like other women before you. Was he grasping for one last taste of woman...we men can be dogs that way (of the girl, tremor Christ, etc.) Or was he really expressing love...I don't think so. I have encountered men like this (I may have been this man at times) men like this need only for themselves and are in utter denial of there inner feelings or more importantly the feeling of others (especially family).
And the power of woman to forgive, accept transgression in the name of family...is divine. I will treat my wife extra special after reading this. She too is divine, forgiving and I would hope for her kiss for my last breath. To come close. Wow, you really got me with your poem, last kiss. I liked your new ending a little better because he passed. Not to say the world is better with out him, we can all come back to love. Just that it framed an extraordinary moment with the most extraordinary moment.
I wonder since you wrote this if you have talked to his wife and daughters of that experience or theirs? If not think it through before you do or don't. What should matter first is how you feel...and that seems upset and somewhat discussed, as well as forgiving...but is it taken for granted. Wow, cant let it go. Thanks for the feelings.

Aafke · October 2013

TalonTedd wrote:

I was spellbound by your poem. It made me wonder about you but mostly about the man, your granddad. I wonder if this abusive man was stalking your feelings for him like other women before you. Was he grasping for one last taste of woman...we men can be dogs that way (of the girl, tremor Christ, etc.) Or was he really expressing love...I don't think so. I have encountered men like this (I may have been this man at times) men like this need only for themselves and are in utter denial of there inner feelings or more importantly the feeling of others (especially family).
And the power of woman to forgive, accept transgression in the name of family...is divine. I will treat my wife extra special after reading this. She too is divine, forgiving and I would hope for her kiss for my last breath. To come close. Wow, you really got me with your poem, last kiss. I liked your new ending a little better because he passed. Not to say the world is better with out him, we can all come back to love. Just that it framed an extraordinary moment with the most extraordinary moment.
I wonder since you wrote this if you have talked to his wife and daughters of that experience or theirs? If not think it through before you do or don't. What should matter first is how you feel...and that seems upset and somewhat discussed, as well as forgiving...but is it taken for granted. Wow, cant let it go. Thanks for the feelings.

I still don't know what his intentions were, but i think it doesn't matter. The poem is about what i Felt during this incident, and still feel about it. For my feelings I don't think its really important what his intentions were. I knew before this incident what a cruel man he was. He had incest with all his daughters repeatedly while they where young. And my grandma was looking the other way, couldn't stand up for her children. His motto was divide and conquer. And he did a hell off a job. In this family it was every man (or women) for themselves. All his children are scared by his treatment, and can't share their feelings no more. Survival off the fittest. This incident happened 22 years ago. Since than I tried to speak about it with my mom, but she couldn't accept what he had done, so my experience had simple not happened for her, because she couldn't burden the guild of it. I don't blame her for what had happen, because I chose to come along, and I chose to let him come this close. I kept this incident and my feeling about it buried deep inside myself, for all those years. I talked about it, yes, but couldn't feel it no longer, it was as if I talked about an experience of someone else. That's my way of surviving. But I am trough with surviving. By doing this for many years I alienated the people around me, and I see that my kids also taking over this way of dealing with their feelings. That woke me up. So that's why I decided to speak out, not to blame anyone for what had happened but to let myself feel again, to heal.

The lyrics Eddie writes are for me an example of how you can stay true to your own feelings. How you can be fragile and strong at once. Listening to PJ in my darkest hours made me feel again.again. That's why I chose this forum to express mine. It's also easier for me to share my feelings with ones who don't know me in my daily live. Otherwise reasoning my feelings away takes over.

This just has been one incident, It happened a long time ago, and my granddad is dead so he couldn't hurt me no more. In a way that makes it easy to write about it, the case is closed. There are happening and have happened many more things in my live, which make it difficult to allow myself to feel, so their will be more poems to follow. I don't know when, but we will see.

TalonTedd · October 2013

Aafke wrote:

TalonTedd wrote:

I was spellbound by your poem. It made me wonder about you but mostly about the man, your granddad. I wonder if this abusive man was stalking your feelings for him like other women before you. Was he grasping for one last taste of woman...we men can be dogs that way (of the girl, tremor Christ, etc.) Or was he really expressing love...I don't think so. I have encountered men like this (I may have been this man at times) men like this need only for themselves and are in utter denial of there inner feelings or more importantly the feeling of others (especially family).
And the power of woman to forgive, accept transgression in the name of family...is divine. I will treat my wife extra special after reading this. She too is divine, forgiving and I would hope for her kiss for my last breath. To come close. Wow, you really got me with your poem, last kiss. I liked your new ending a little better because he passed. Not to say the world is better with out him, we can all come back to love. Just that it framed an extraordinary moment with the most extraordinary moment.
I wonder since you wrote this if you have talked to his wife and daughters of that experience or theirs? If not think it through before you do or don't. What should matter first is how you feel...and that seems upset and somewhat discussed, as well as forgiving...but is it taken for granted. Wow, cant let it go. Thanks for the feelings.

I still don't know what his intentions were, but i think it doesn't matter. The poem is about what i Felt during this incident, and still feel about it. For my feelings I don't think its really important what his intentions were. I knew before this incident what a cruel man he was. He had incest with all his daughters repeatedly while they where young. And my grandma was looking the other way, couldn't stand up for her children. His motto was devine and conquer. And he did a hell off a job. In this family it was every man (or women) for themselves. All his children are scared by his treatment, and can't share their feelings no more. Survival off the fittest. This incident happened 22 years ago. Since than I tried to speak about it with my mom, but she couldn't accept what he had done, so my experience had simple not happened for her, because she couldn't burden the guild of it. I don't blame her for what had happen, because I chose to come along, and I chose to let him come this close. I kept this incident and my feeling about it buried deep inside myself, for all those years. I talked about it, yes, but couldn't feel it no longer, it was as if I talked about an experience of someone else. That's my way of surviving. But I am trough with surviving. By doing this for many years I alienated the people around me, and I see that my kids also taking over this way of dealing with their feelings. That woke me up. So thats why I decided to speak out, not to blame anyone for what had happened but to let myself feel again, to heal.

The lyrics Eddie writes are for me an example of how you can stay trough to your own feelings. How you can be fragile and strong at once. Listening to PJ in my darkest hours made me feel again.Thats why I chose this forum to express mine. Its also easier for me to share my feelings with ones who don't know me in my daily live. Otherwise reasoning my feelings away takes over.

This just has been one incident, It happened a long time ago, and my granddad had die so he couldn't hurt me no more. In a way that makes it easy to write about it, the case is closed. There are happening and have happened many more things in my live, which make it difficult to allow myself to feel, so their will be more poems to follow. I don't know when, but we will see.

I salute your courage, strength and vision. It takes courage to share that experience with your granddad that day. I agree with choosing this forum for that purpose on many levels. The strength of will to endure and ultimately come to terms with something so...unwelcome, is a strength to be cherished. And the vision to look beyond yourself and recognize what may be happening to loved ones is truly good.

As for the man, Ill be puttin' him away like you have. He had his time and probably deserves no more of yours or mine. I guess there is good and bad in poetry. The good, self-expression. The bad, misunderstanding. So often words fail. none the less, your poem made me think of a great many things and the thoughts' ultimately led me to a better understanding of you and me, and I believe that is a good.

As for Eddie and the rest of the band. They are the shinning example of a saying that has something to do with truth and beauty. They always tell the truth, no matter how difficult or dark...and that takes integrity. We all respect that integrity and some hold it sacred...sacred; I know I do. Never in my life have I ever seen anyone slash and burn through the crap and get to the heart of the matter...from any perspective, like Pearl Jam. Presented in ...oh how to say this...A culmination of Rock music loved, absorbed, digested, blended, and....GIVEN back with ASS KICKING ABILITY. They have my adoration...and so do you. I like your poetry. 8-) Takes me places.

Aafke · November 2013

Toy Pistols

Five years old I was
When you took my nephews to the store
To buy them toy pistols
I ran behind you
Convinced you left me out by accident
I was older, two whole years
So I dissevered it more
When I caught up with you
You’d already entered the store
I pleaded my case
Irritated as I were, for leaving me behind
Convinced I was, you would understand

But instead you burst out into laughter
You laughed out loud, right into my face
A girl with a toy pistol…
It was too absurd
Girls were not meant to play with pistols
In fact they weren’t supposed to play at all
They had to learn how to managed a household
But boys were a different story
They had to become man
Had to learn how to fight
So you shuffled me brutally aside

I felt ignored, jealous and humiliated
Burst out in rage, and tears
I stamped with my feet
And yelled at you

Your laughter stopped
I was embarrassing you in front of others
At once you became furious
You beat me, all around the store
When I fell you kicked me some more
Left me bleeding on the floor
Paid the storeowner and left
Leaving me behind curled up like a ball
You didn’t look back
After a while my mom came and gave me that toy pistol
But I never played with it

Aafke · November 2013

.....And you wasn't even drunk this time...

Aafke · November 2013

Well lets put a face with the story's. I drew this one a couple of months after he passed away, as a present for my grandma. She asked me to draw it after one of the pictures she had of him. She thought I couldn't manage it. The drawing process was also my mourning process. When the drawing was finished my grandma was shocked. The drawing did very much look like my granddad. Except the eyes. I struggled with them for hours, but the only look I managed to give him was the look he gave me that last time in the hospital. Scared and desperate. While he normally had a look that could rule the world. He normally had so much self confidence....

After a few months on the wall my grandma gave me the drawing back, she couldn't look at it. It reminded her to much off that last week.

Aafke · December 2013

Imprisoned

Imprisoned in my thoughts
Walking around
Memories keep flashing up
As images
Feelings so confused
The images
So clear in my head
Walking through them
Working trough them
My images
My being
By visualizing them
I find my freedom
I find my release

TalonTedd · December 2013

Hi Aafke

I thought to review our conversations when we first met. I'm really glad we did. I always look forward to seeing you grow stronger and feeling better about your future days...and I see you are right on schedule, your courage, self determination and personal worth grows with each word you write, each picture you create and with each and every move you make.
You know, I reserve words for fear of being critical of your feelings...I wouldn't want to harm a hair on your head my dear. As I right this Unthought Known is playing...I dedicate it to you this day. Tell me to free my mind and write what I want...I want to tell that pic of dear old grand dad what he can do with his twisted selfish manipulation of innocents.

Talon

Aafke · December 2013

TalonTedd wrote:

Hi Aafke

I thought to review our conversations when we first met. I'm really glad we did. I always look forward to seeing you grow stronger and feeling better about your future days...and I see you are right on schedule, your courage, self determination and personal worth grows with each word you write, each picture you create and with each and every move you make.
You know, I reserve words for fear of being critical of your feelings...I wouldn't want to harm a hair on your head my dear. As I right this Unthought Known is playing...I dedicate it to you this day. Tell me to free my mind and write what I want...I want to tell that pic of dear old grand dad what he can do with his twisted selfish manipulation of innocents.

Talon

Hi Talon,

Nice hearing from you again. I am also glad about our conversations. I am not so sure about my personal grow as you are. My life has always been a roller coaster filled with high ups and deep downs.Right now I am feeling strong, strong enough to show my fragility. But when I feel more fragile I act strong so no one can see how fragile I am. Only in my writing and drawing I show my trough feelings. But when I feel fragile I keep them to myself. In fact this is the first time that I post them anywhere (a few works I put up on my Facebook site). Up until now I allowed only a few people to see and read them, and kept them on the attic of my home, stuffed away along with old toys off my boys.

The drawings off water are my latest work, they are nice to look at, but are quite different from my normal work, with is much more in your face. Up until now I didn't post them because some people I did show them to, found them quite shocking to look at. But these works I made not for making nice pics but to to work trough my feelings. Like the one I made of my grand dad. On that age I didn't have the knowledge of how to do that without the use of a picture, but since then I have learned how to do it. Now I am on a crossroad because the water pics are more likable to look at, but they don't give me the release the darker works do give me. They are more a reflection of my state off mind, and for that they mean more to me. As I wrote in my last poem, by visualizing my feelings I find my freedom. So I will put some off the older works up on this site soon. I would like to hear your and other peoples feedback on them.

I would like you to speak freely about all off my work, my feelings are what they are, but feedback helps me to improve my writing and drawing. So don't hold back any of it, I love to hear it.

About that pic off my granddad, its my impression of him. What he did that last time I saw him was awful but I can't hate him. Maybe it was more easy if I could, but as I wrote in my poem, I still love him. He had a lot of despicable character traits, but he wasn't all bad. I strongly believe no human is just all good or bad. I think my pic of him tells you also about the love I still feel for him. As outsider it is easier to hate him, I think. But I still believe that he did love me in his own sick twisted way. He wasn't able to show this in a healthy way. I don't hate him for that, I pity him.

By the way, nice to have a song like Unthought Known dedicated to me, thanks.

Talk to you soon I hope.

Aafke

TalonTedd · December 2013

Very well Aafke. I commend your courage. I need to think about this some. I have two youngsters and the thought of someone abusing them is very unwelcome in my minds eye...I feel rage just from the notion. So give me a week or so to review and consider...but at the outset...I see a the image of cowardice and torment....When I was a young teenager this dude (I just started to hang out with) and I met some girls by chance and we went off to the tracks to make out. Well not long into the festivities (she and I were having innocent fun 50 feet away) me and my date started to hear her friend cry for help. When we arrived at the seen there she was lying on the ground, her eyes, face and words begging me to help her get this rapist off of her...she was probably only 14 or 15. I tore that jerk off of her and literally nearly killed him on that hill. I must have punched his face twenty times. The girls were crying, I went over to see how they were doing and my date gave me a stern look picked her friend up and left. I was speechless. I told rapist he was a piece of shit and left him there. that happened a long time ago but I remember it completely. I never saw the girls or the rapist again.
Now I'm not gonna sit hear and say I've always taken no for an answer(just a pry hear and there and usually the deal was sealed...consented)...but I never ever thought to rape a woman. I have a younger sister and maybe growing up in love with her had a lot to do with respecting women. But I like to believe it is more a-priori than empirical (human respect, love and decency). Men can be dogs...that is an insult to dogs...demons, low down satan sucking imps.

to be con't

12/11/13
I have been doing some soul searching on these issues and I want to be true to my values. If I were to relive that terrible day over I still would have stopped the crime but not with a crime of my own :twisted: . The right thing to do would have been call the police and have the so called justice system deal with him. there is far too much violence in the world. A product of this competitive, capitalist selfish society the so called elites of the world have fostered and nurtured into this disfigured fragmented world we live in today. :shock: :nono: ...That's another story....I just hope you can find some peace of heart and mind pertaining to your grand dad. You're right when you say he is not only defined by those acts. the man may have been the victim of abuse as a young boy/man himself and people have a way of perpetuating the things done to themselves onto others. That doesn't make it right but it is a real motivation. My dad used abuse as a form of punishment. I forgive him and I learned a valuable lesson from it. It doesn't work very well and it can destroy a persons self esteem. That is why I have never nor will I ever strike or belittle my kids or wife. They are far too precious.
You are a very strong woman Aafke. Talented too. Keep taking each day one at a time and try and find something to make you smile. We probably only do this all encompassing trip once so make yours what you want while still being considerate of others. Like you I am on this fan club as a thank-you to the guys for all they have done and as an added bonus exploring creative arts for my own betterment(really like your latest work of the old man, great use of color). I'm not going to let another day go by wasted. I to have tasted to many of those days and I'm sick of the flavor.

So let me wish you and yours' a happy new year. May your departed grand dad rest in peace.
Another song dedication for sweet Aafke....Sometimes. :thumbup:

In joyous part

TalonTedd

Aafke · December 2013

Hi Talon,

I'm not certain it is courage, that drives me. It's just feelings. In my point of view feelings can't be defined as good or bad. feeling are what they are. Acts are in my point of view a whole different story. I didn't like or approved the way
my grand dad acted to me or his daughters. And by the thought of anyone abusing my sons like this I also feel rage.
Maybe I am crazy for caring more for the people around me than for myself, I know I do fight harder for justice for others than I do fight for myself. I love the people around me more than I do love myself, always pleasing others instead of doing what feels good for me. Always trying to be, what I expect that others want me to be, how pathetic is that?

I do hate what my grand dad did to me, but I can't hate the man himself. For long I tried this, but it didn't work like that.I am only saying that a man is more than his few described actions alone. I have other memories off this man, witch are less violent and more caring, witch I nourish. They are not painful but pleasant, and therefor not so urgent to write poems about, also less interesting for readers to read.

I do understand that your experience has also have an influence on your interpretation of my poems and picture of my grand dad. I am sorry, this rapist crossed your path, what he did was unforgivable. I strongly believe you have acted in the right way by helping this girl. And I am glad you shared that story here with me so I have more understanding for your point off view. Thank you for that!

Greetings,
Aafke

Aafke · December 2013

Old man wondering...

TalonTedd · December 2013

Hi Aafke

Let me share what I'm seeing..

On the surface he looks mysterious and dark, trench coat wide brimmed hat, a cloak of desperate dark memories. Those pitted eyes just say no feelings remain here. His long (and beautifully colored) facial features seem envious of happiness...but that's only the surface. When I look deeper I see the face of sorted experience, accepted, leading to reclaimed direction, toward a better future. His clean sharp groomed white beard is pointing a way forward to brighter days. The great blue sky shines on the rich green tree that has blossomed from the soil of what was, composted. This man is wise. He has seen the black and white of the world and now he is looking for the living color. He is finding it. The old man's dark visions can no longer obscure the light. The way forward is bright what is behind him will be left in the dark.

Aafke What is coming next! :corn: :clap:

I think the old man deserves a song dedication...Cropduster (a favorite)

Aafke · December 2013

TalonTedd wrote:

Hi Aafke

Let me share what I'm seeing..

On the surface he looks mysterious and dark, trench coat wide brimmed hat, a cloak of desperate dark memories. Those pitted eyes just say no feelings remain here. His long (and beautifully colored) facial features seem envious of happiness...but that's only the surface. When I look deeper I see the face of sorted experience, accepted, leading to reclaimed direction, toward a better future. His clean sharp groomed white beard is pointing a way forward to brighter days. The great blue sky shines on the rich green tree that has blossomed from the soil of what was, composted. This man is wise. He has seen the black and white of the world and now he is looking for the living color. He is finding it. The old man's dark visions can no longer obscure the light. The way forward is bright what is behind him will be left in the dark.

Aafke What is coming next! :corn: :clap:

I think the old man deserves a song dedication...Cropduster (a favorite)

Well, Cropduster is a nice song for this old man. I believe the lyrics do connect to this painting. However the painting is older than the song, cause I painted this one back in 1995.

It is nice to hear your viewing of my work, because most of the time, I am in the room when people view my work, and I do a lot of verbal explaining. You gave your view without that, witch gives me a lot of incite in how I succeed in telling my stories in images. The nice thing about visual art is, in my opinion that every one can have his own view about what the image means. Thank you for your thoughts about my work!
More work will follow, I am just looking now for the right one. Well I have the images already in my head but I will accompany them with one or more poems, with I still have to write, so this may take a little while.

Talk to you soon I hope.

Aafke

Last Kiss

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