is there ONE right way to raise a child?

rollings · August 2011

redrock wrote:

catefrances wrote:

by successful what do you mean? financially? cause from where im standing the measure of a successful life isnt money. and that should never be the reason to do anything.

Exactly! Successful is many different things - certainly not money. But there are many parents who will push kids to do this or that, go into certain things/studies because it will be 'good for them in the future'. For example, a kid that's artistic but is 'pushed' by parents to study accounting because there's a job out of it in the end... those kind of things.

Wishy-washy love... hmmmm... yeah.. well it's the kind of 'yeah I've got a kid and I love it but I so need the nanny (even if I don't work) and yeah, boarding school will be great for him/her' type love. Guess I'm not explaining this very well!

Actually, suggesting and/or encouraging in a positive way (not pushing) a child in high school to pursue further education along a decent career path (such as accounting), is a good idea.

No, money isn't everything, and yes, continuing to pursue what you love to do is also very important. But if you could encourage a person to empower themselves with a decent-paying, versatile career that they reasonably like and are good at & interested in , you would be helping your child possibly avoid a future riddled with financial struggle.

So, no, a child's money-earning capabilities is not the only measure of a parent's child-rearing sucess, but encouraging a child to empower his or her own self in many ways (including financial security) is.

catefrances · August 2011

cincybearcat wrote:

catefrances wrote:

by successful what do you mean? financially? cause from where im standing the measure of a successful life isnt money. and that should never be the reason to do anything.

You don't have much $, do you?

i dont need much but i have what i need. and i prefer it that way. 8-)

MotoDC · August 2011

catefrances wrote:

redrock wrote:

That goes without saying Jean (though, seeing what happens to some children, one wonders). How we dispense/show this love will vary... tough love? 'Hippie' love? Wishy-washy or just right? And what would be 'just right'?

Is it right to push a kid into something they are not into because you know they will be successful in the endeavour and their future could be nicely settled? Do you let them be and discover for themselves knowing they are doomed for failure? Not always easy to get it just right!

absolutely not. you encourage them if they show an interest in something.. but you NEVER push them into anything they show zero interest in. they need to find their own way and you need to be their for support.

by successful what do you mean? financially? cause from where im standing the measure of a successful life isnt money. and that should never be the reason to do anything.

Depends what you mean by "push". Sometimes (maybe most), kids don't really know what's best for them. Pushing them to something they initially resist may help them discover that they actually love that thing. Now as an adult, thinking back, I can identify of a number of examples in my childhood where I wish my parents had helped provide the motivation that an 8, 10, 14 year old lacked.

unlost dogs · August 2011

My mom came here from Ireland when she was 13. She lived with an older, childless cousin who later adopted her. (Prior to that, she'd lived with two older, childless aunts down the road from her parents _ she was one of 11, living in on a farm in a thatched roof cottage, so some of the kids stayed with other relatives. I've never really understood why, and she never really talked about it.)

Only in the past month did my mother tell me that when she was living in that house, if she did something wrong, the cousin would tell her, "I brought you out here, and I can send you back." So she spent all her time there, until she met my Dad and married and moved out, being afraid that she'd offend the cousin and be sent back to the farm in disgrace.

My mom told me this, then looked at me and said, "No child should ever feel as though they owe someone something."

I'd never heard that before from her, I had no idea that's what her childhood was like.

pandora · August 2011

unlost dogs wrote:

My mom came here from Ireland when she was 13. She lived with an older, childless cousin who later adopted her. (Prior to that, she'd lived with two older, childless aunts down the road from her parents _ she was one of 11, living in on a farm in a thatched roof cottage, so some of the kids stayed with other relatives. I've never really understood why, and she never really talked about it.)

Only in the past month did my mother tell me that when she was living in that house, if she did something wrong, the cousin would tell her, "I brought you out here, and I can send you back." So she spent all her time there, until she met my Dad and married and moved out, being afraid that she'd offend the cousin and be sent back to the farm in disgrace.

My mom told me this, then looked at me and said, "No child should ever feel as though they owe someone something."

I'd never heard that before from her, I had no idea that's what her childhood was like.

I love your Mama's quote so beautiful and so so true, speaks volumes.

Tracing my family tree I have found so much my Mama did't tell me... so much sadness
she experienced ... so many hardships. I wish I had known while she was alive.

Makes me very appreciate for my childhood and the love I received,
I bet your mothers words did the same for you.

Thanks for sharing

aerial · August 2011

MotoDC wrote:

catefrances wrote:

redrock wrote:

That goes without saying Jean (though, seeing what happens to some children, one wonders). How we dispense/show this love will vary... tough love? 'Hippie' love? Wishy-washy or just right? And what would be 'just right'?

Is it right to push a kid into something they are not into because you know they will be successful in the endeavour and their future could be nicely settled? Do you let them be and discover for themselves knowing they are doomed for failure? Not always easy to get it just right!

absolutely not. you encourage them if they show an interest in something.. but you NEVER push them into anything they show zero interest in. they need to find their own way and you need to be their for support.

by successful what do you mean? financially? cause from where im standing the measure of a successful life isnt money. and that should never be the reason to do anything.

Depends what you mean by "push". Sometimes (maybe most), kids don't really know what's best for them. Pushing them to something they initially resist may help them discover that they actually love that thing. Now as an adult, thinking back, I can identify of a number of examples in my childhood where I wish my parents had helped provide the motivation that an 8, 10, 14 year old lacked.

I agree with you. Growing up I was very much into music. I always wished I could play an instrument or take dance.
I had my son very young. Therefore, when my son was about 12 I bought him a starter electric guitar and amp. Guess I wanted for him the things I did not pursue. For some reason my son refused to take guitar lessons. He is 31 now and said about three years ago he wished I had made him take those lessons. He is into music now also. Yet he likes rap, writes lyrics, and is very good at it.

Now we have a granddaughter who I asked to send to dance lessons. Still trying to fulfill my dreams thru the kids. Well she was not interested at all (she is very shy) I asked her to at least try it and if she did not like it she could quit. Well first year she did ballet, she did not like it (she was seven) next year she started Hip Hop dance and she loves it!

rollings · August 2011

MotoDC wrote:

catefrances wrote:

redrock wrote:

That goes without saying Jean (though, seeing what happens to some children, one wonders). How we dispense/show this love will vary... tough love? 'Hippie' love? Wishy-washy or just right? And what would be 'just right'?

Is it right to push a kid into something they are not into because you know they will be successful in the endeavour and their future could be nicely settled? Do you let them be and discover for themselves knowing they are doomed for failure? Not always easy to get it just right!

absolutely not. you encourage them if they show an interest in something.. but you NEVER push them into anything they show zero interest in. they need to find their own way and you need to be their for support.

by successful what do you mean? financially? cause from where im standing the measure of a successful life isnt money. and that should never be the reason to do anything.

Depends what you mean by "push". Sometimes (maybe most), kids don't really know what's best for them. Pushing them to something they initially resist may help them discover that they actually love that thing. Now as an adult, thinking back, I can identify of a number of examples in my childhood where I wish my parents had helped provide the motivation that an 8, 10, 14 year old lacked.

Right. I had to take piano lessons when I was about 8/9. Although I didn't hate it, I didn't exactly enjoy having to go to take a lesson once a week from Sister Paula who used to fall asleep and sometimes nod off into the keyboard (and then looking like, "yes, I meant to play that part with my face".)

However now that I'm an adult who enjoys playing several musical instruments, I couldn't be more grateful for that introduction into playing music.

Cosmo · August 2011

My take...
It all depends upon how YOU define 'right'.
Remember, your kids absorb a lot of what you dispense. They take on your fears and prejudices. You may be able to love unconditionally and respect and honestly communicate... but, if you fear black people, rant about illegal Mexicans, preach the evils of Islam and communicate (maybe not directly to them, but indirectly in your rants)... your kids will more than likely take on those views.
Yeah, they may change their minds as they grow older... but, like i said, they will take what you say as truths when they are little kids.

pandora · August 2011

Cosmo wrote:

My take...
It all depends upon how YOU define 'right'.
Remember, your kids absorb a lot of what you dispense. They take on your fears and prejudices. You may be able to love unconditionally and respect and honestly communicate... but, if you fear black people, rant about illegal Mexicans, preach the evils of Islam... your kids will more than likely take on those views.
Yeah, they may change their minds as they grow older... but, like i said, they will take what you say as truths when they are little kids.

great post ... :thumbup:

children are like little sponges, always watching listening and learning,

and they want to be like mom and dad

The Crooked Heart · August 2011

I think love is the most important of course. I feel like being in control is almost as high on the list. I work in child care and see so many kids who run the show at home. Maybe I am just a stuborn, cocky, control freak but that doesn't go in my house. There is no begging because the first no is the final answer. I am afraid there will be many many adults in 20 years who won't know how to act when the world doesn't cater to them.

cincybearcat · August 2011

You know, it sounds all warm and fuzzy, but in reality you need far more than just love to raise a child.

You can't raise a child without love, but you cannot raise a child on love alone. Everything you do should be done "out of love" though.

Kids need boundaries.
Kids need to be able to make mistakes, and learn from them, with discipline but never fear of abuse.
Kids need to trust, so they need honestly and integrity from their parents and loved one.
Kids need to learn, they need an environment that encourages learning and trying new things.
and, what I think it probably right up there with love...
Kids need to be able to laugh, play, be silly, be ridiculous...this will teach them how to feel happy, so that they will not let anyone take that away later in life. It will build self-esteem.

blackredyellow · August 2011

cincybearcat wrote:

You know, it sounds all warm and fuzzy, but in reality you need far more than just love to raise a child.

You can't raise a child without love, but you cannot raise a child on love alone. Everything you do should be done "out of love" though.

Kids need boundaries.
Kids need to be able to make mistakes, and learn from them, with discipline but never fear of abuse.
Kids need to trust, so they need honestly and integrity from their parents and loved one.
Kids need to learn, they need an environment that encourages learning and trying new things.
and, what I think it probably right up there with love...
Kids need to be able to laugh, play, be silly, be ridiculous...this will teach them how to feel happy, so that they will not let anyone take that away later in life. It will build self-esteem.

well said...

Cosmo · August 2011

cincybearcat wrote:

You know, it sounds all warm and fuzzy, but in reality you need far more than just love to raise a child.

You can't raise a child without love, but you cannot raise a child on love alone. Everything you do should be done "out of love" though.

Kids need boundaries.
Kids need to be able to make mistakes, and learn from them, with discipline but never fear of abuse.
Kids need to trust, so they need honestly and integrity from their parents and loved one.
Kids need to learn, they need an environment that encourages learning and trying new things.
and, what I think it probably right up there with love...
Kids need to be able to laugh, play, be silly, be ridiculous...this will teach them how to feel happy, so that they will not let anyone take that away later in life. It will build self-esteem.

...
I agree.
Kids will grow and learn from the lessons parents teach them. One of the things kids need to learn at a young age is that authority of decision/action comes with responsibility tied to that decision/action and accountability for the outcome.

g under p · August 2011

cincybearcat wrote:

You know, it sounds all warm and fuzzy, but in reality you need far more than just love to raise a child.

You can't raise a child without love, but you cannot raise a child on love alone. Everything you do should be done "out of love" though.

Kids need boundaries.
Kids need to be able to make mistakes, and learn from them, with discipline but never fear of abuse.
Kids need to trust, so they need honestly and integrity from their parents and loved one.
Kids need to learn, they need an environment that encourages learning and trying new things.
and, what I think it probably right up there with love...
Kids need to be able to laugh, play, be silly, be ridiculous...this will teach them how to feel happy, so that they will not let anyone take that away later in life. It will build self-esteem.

I agree and with boundries children need to know...that they can't get EVERYTHING they want...just what they NEED.

Peace

Godfather. · August 2011

we have a 17 yr old son....he has it all figured out

it ain't ez being a parent I must have put mine thru hell.

Godfather.

redrock · August 2011

g under p wrote:

...that they can't get EVERYTHING they want...just what they NEED.

Peace

And sometimes that lil' bit more because we're softies

is there ONE right way to raise a child?

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