is there ONE right way to raise a child?
mickeyrat
Posts: 40,285
read some stuff recently that brought this question to mind.
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Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
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Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
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There is no ONE right way but many. All with outcomes that can be as successful as others. But what does one judge 'outcome' on? What are the benchmarks?
I think the way my husband and I raised our daughter has been successful up to now. A teen, no drama, open relationship (though each with our own 'space'), she trusts us, we trust her - even if we don't tell each other everything. She knows we do our 'adult' business like she does her 'teen business and we respect that. We raised her to do her best in all aspects of her life and supported her in her choices. We are not strict parents and my daughter has a lot of 'leeway' (which she does not abuse). It works.
My good friends raised their daughters in a much stricter manner, more controlled, etc. Following them much closer and 'suggesting' things in a much stronger manner. I consider them to have been very successful as well. (Our daughters are the same age and have been friends since babies).
Different cultures will have different views on how to raise children, same with families from different socio-economic groups. I say whatever works for the family.
There are so many variables.
Is it right to push a kid into something they are not into because you know they will be successful in the endeavour and their future could be nicely settled? Do you let them be and discover for themselves knowing they are doomed for failure? Not always easy to get it just right!
This is what I was thinking too!
I was also wondering if one could say that the best approach was one based upon the child's unique personality? Even within one family, children are individuals that may need a different parenting style.
It's such a broad term... but always ultimately good.
absolutely not. you encourage them if they show an interest in something.. but you NEVER push them into anything they show zero interest in. they need to find their own way and you need to be their for support.
by successful what do you mean? financially? cause from where im standing the measure of a successful life isnt money. and that should never be the reason to do anything.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
I'd also go as far as to say not to over-protect kids. I'm not saying you should let them dangle themselves over Yosemite Falls or play on the freeway but I think kids need to explore and that might mean moving to the edge a little, so-to-speak. I helped raise my nephews for a few years and we explored woods and rode our bicycles on some rough trails. We all got a few bumps and bruises but we weren't foolish about what we did and it was all good.
-Eddie Vedder, "Smile"
i kind of like what i read once about how the Obama's have their kids do one sport/activity they like and one that the parents choose, that they may not like so much...every year. This way they try new things and at the same time have to also do something they are not that into. Kind of a good life lesson because we can't always do what we want.
nope. my parents were concerned that I was interested in NOTHING (as in sports) so they PAID me, yes, PAID me to try out for the volleyball team. Was I good at it? Yeah, sort of. But did I like it? yeah, maybe a bit. But what did it do for me in the end? Nothing. I didn't play the following year, or any year after that. Wasn't that into it, and I KNEW THAT, SO THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T TRY OUT. But hey, for $50, no questions asked, of course I did it.
they also forced me to be in judo. Once they caught me skipping out, they let me drop it. Had they enrolled me in guitar classes, or pot smoking seminars, they may have been onto something.
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
just love, respect for their personality and individuality, recognizing their needs, and good discipline/work ethic.
teach them to do what they love. that breeds success.
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
why would a parent put themselves and their child through the hassle of making their child do something he/she didnt want to do? the only thing i see the obamas teaching their daughters is my parents made me do ballet and i hated it so youre doing tai chi cause i say so so much easier to find out what theyre interested in and encourage that... unless its serial killing or swiping tools from the hardware store.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
If you go through life not urging your kids to try something new, they do fall into a pattern of refusing to be open to trying anything. Believe me, I see it all the time with friend's kids. Parents have to lead the way, not just sit back and assume they'll do something if they show interest. Because a LOT of kids need some push to try anything different. And that can be healthy.
Basically, it's "know your child, and work with their individual style" that seems to work best.
my parents were looking at it as "our two other kids are huge into sports and academia, but our youngest is interested in nothing", so they thought if they could find a way to get me to try something, that I'd like it and continue on. I can't blame them for their effort. They felt lost. My older brother and sister were huge into sports and very good at school; I did nothing and was failing. The difference? I did drugs, and they didn't.
the only thing I fault them on is trying to get me to do the wrong things. But back in those days, there wasn't a whole lot of options except sports or studies.
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
Exactly! Successful is many different things - certainly not money. But there are many parents who will push kids to do this or that, go into certain things/studies because it will be 'good for them in the future'. For example, a kid that's artistic but is 'pushed' by parents to study accounting because there's a job out of it in the end... those kind of things.
Wishy-washy love... hmmmm... yeah.. well it's the kind of 'yeah I've got a kid and I love it but I so need the nanny (even if I don't work) and yeah, boarding school will be great for him/her' type love. Guess I'm not explaining this very well!
We are just entering the teenage years, and have 3 others coming up behind him...every child is different and can not be parented in the same way.
So the answer to the OP's question would be, no. Parents can't follow an instruction manual and find a one size fits all answer. There isn't one right way to raise a child. I think the parents need to look to themselves and decide the values and ideals that they feel are important to pass on to the next generation and proceed from there. We value honesty, integrity, manners, and empathy. When parents can choose some core values to pass on to the kids I think it becomes easier to focus on how to raise the kid. Even our most difficult, spirited child can be polite and act with integrity.
You don't have much $, do you?
great post :thumbup:
it is as variable as relationships are.
I would add honesty, a must in parenting.
Respect and also to respect privacy...
to approach any problem the child has discreetly that will promote trust
between child and parent.
To keep communication open with the above factors in mind.
Age appropriate books are a wonderful aid.
Purchased a couple years ahead keeps a parent aware of age related problems that can occur.
Knowledge about parenting makes everything easier for parent and child.
When a family home is filled with love, trust, respect, good communication, knowledge, honesty
it is a happy home.
In my opinion....
Actually, suggesting and/or encouraging in a positive way (not pushing) a child in high school to pursue further education along a decent career path (such as accounting), is a good idea.
No, money isn't everything, and yes, continuing to pursue what you love to do is also very important. But if you could encourage a person to empower themselves with a decent-paying, versatile career that they reasonably like and are good at & interested in , you would be helping your child possibly avoid a future riddled with financial struggle.
So, no, a child's money-earning capabilities is not the only measure of a parent's child-rearing sucess, but encouraging a child to empower his or her own self in many ways (including financial security) is.
i dont need much but i have what i need. and i prefer it that way.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
Only in the past month did my mother tell me that when she was living in that house, if she did something wrong, the cousin would tell her, "I brought you out here, and I can send you back." So she spent all her time there, until she met my Dad and married and moved out, being afraid that she'd offend the cousin and be sent back to the farm in disgrace.
My mom told me this, then looked at me and said, "No child should ever feel as though they owe someone something."
I'd never heard that before from her, I had no idea that's what her childhood was like.
Tracing my family tree I have found so much my Mama did't tell me... so much sadness
she experienced ... so many hardships. I wish I had known while she was alive.
Makes me very appreciate for my childhood and the love I received,
I bet your mothers words did the same for you.
Thanks for sharing
I agree with you. Growing up I was very much into music. I always wished I could play an instrument or take dance.
I had my son very young. Therefore, when my son was about 12 I bought him a starter electric guitar and amp. Guess I wanted for him the things I did not pursue. For some reason my son refused to take guitar lessons. He is 31 now and said about three years ago he wished I had made him take those lessons. He is into music now also. Yet he likes rap, writes lyrics, and is very good at it.
Now we have a granddaughter who I asked to send to dance lessons. Still trying to fulfill my dreams thru the kids. Well she was not interested at all (she is very shy) I asked her to at least try it and if she did not like it she could quit. Well first year she did ballet, she did not like it (she was seven) next year she started Hip Hop dance and she loves it!
Right. I had to take piano lessons when I was about 8/9. Although I didn't hate it, I didn't exactly enjoy having to go to take a lesson once a week from Sister Paula who used to fall asleep and sometimes nod off into the keyboard (and then looking like, "yes, I meant to play that part with my face".)
However now that I'm an adult who enjoys playing several musical instruments, I couldn't be more grateful for that introduction into playing music.
It all depends upon how YOU define 'right'.
Remember, your kids absorb a lot of what you dispense. They take on your fears and prejudices. You may be able to love unconditionally and respect and honestly communicate... but, if you fear black people, rant about illegal Mexicans, preach the evils of Islam and communicate (maybe not directly to them, but indirectly in your rants)... your kids will more than likely take on those views.
Yeah, they may change their minds as they grow older... but, like i said, they will take what you say as truths when they are little kids.
Hail, Hail!!!
great post ... :thumbup:
children are like little sponges, always watching listening and learning,
and they want to be like mom and dad