is there ONE right way to raise a child?

mickeyrat
mickeyrat Posts: 45,193
edited August 2011 in A Moving Train
read some stuff recently that brought this question to mind.
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  • redrock
    redrock Posts: 18,341
    By walking in his/her shoes :?

    There is no ONE right way but many. All with outcomes that can be as successful as others. But what does one judge 'outcome' on? What are the benchmarks?

    I think the way my husband and I raised our daughter has been successful up to now. A teen, no drama, open relationship (though each with our own 'space'), she trusts us, we trust her - even if we don't tell each other everything. She knows we do our 'adult' business like she does her 'teen business and we respect that. We raised her to do her best in all aspects of her life and supported her in her choices. We are not strict parents and my daughter has a lot of 'leeway' (which she does not abuse). It works.

    My good friends raised their daughters in a much stricter manner, more controlled, etc. Following them much closer and 'suggesting' things in a much stronger manner. I consider them to have been very successful as well. (Our daughters are the same age and have been friends since babies).

    Different cultures will have different views on how to raise children, same with families from different socio-economic groups. I say whatever works for the family.
  • Claireack
    Claireack Posts: 13,561
    Tend to agree with Redrock.

    There are so many variables.
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  • Jeanwah
    Jeanwah Posts: 6,363
    The only one right way I can think of, universally, is with a lot of love. I know it's general, but...
  • redrock
    redrock Posts: 18,341
    That goes without saying Jean (though, seeing what happens to some children, one wonders). How we dispense/show this love will vary... tough love? 'Hippie' love? Wishy-washy or just right? And what would be 'just right'?

    Is it right to push a kid into something they are not into because you know they will be successful in the endeavour and their future could be nicely settled? Do you let them be and discover for themselves knowing they are doomed for failure? Not always easy to get it just right!
  • justam
    justam Posts: 21,415
    Jeanwah wrote:
    The only one right way I can think of, universally, is with a lot of love. I know it's general, but...

    This is what I was thinking too! :D

    I was also wondering if one could say that the best approach was one based upon the child's unique personality? Even within one family, children are individuals that may need a different parenting style.
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • Jeanwah
    Jeanwah Posts: 6,363
    redrock wrote:
    That goes without saying Jean (though, seeing what happens to some children, one wonders). How we dispense/show this love will vary... tough love? 'Hippie' love? Wishy-washy or just right? And what would be 'just right'?

    Is it right to push a kid into something they are not into because you know they will be successful in the endeavour and their future could be nicely settled? Do you let them be and discover for themselves knowing they are doomed for failure? Not always easy to get it just right!

    It's such a broad term... but always ultimately good. ;) Wishy-washy love? Never heard of it. :lol:
  • catefrances
    catefrances Posts: 29,003
    redrock wrote:
    That goes without saying Jean (though, seeing what happens to some children, one wonders). How we dispense/show this love will vary... tough love? 'Hippie' love? Wishy-washy or just right? And what would be 'just right'?


    Is it right to push a kid into something they are not into because you know they will be successful in the endeavour and their future could be nicely settled?     Do you let them be and discover for themselves knowing they are doomed for failure? Not always easy to get it just right!

    absolutely not. you encourage them if they show an interest in something.. but you NEVER push them into anything they show zero interest in. they need to find their own way and you need to be their for support.


    by successful what do you mean? financially? cause from where im standing the measure of a successful life isnt money. and that should never be the reason to do anything.
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  • brianlux
    brianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 43,775
    As Jeanwah said, love comes first. Of course love also means saying "no" when appropriate. Accepting the fact that your kids will not turn out exactly the way you want them and encourage their natural healthy aptititudes.

    I'd also go as far as to say not to over-protect kids. I'm not saying you should let them dangle themselves over Yosemite Falls or play on the freeway but I think kids need to explore and that might mean moving to the edge a little, so-to-speak. I helped raise my nephews for a few years and we explored woods and rode our bicycles on some rough trails. We all got a few bumps and bruises but we weren't foolish about what we did and it was all good.
    "It's a sad and beautiful world"
    -Roberto Benigni

  • usamamasan1
    usamamasan1 Posts: 4,695
    related to topic but no so broad...
    i kind of like what i read once about how the Obama's have their kids do one sport/activity they like and one that the parents choose, that they may not like so much...every year. This way they try new things and at the same time have to also do something they are not that into. Kind of a good life lesson because we can't always do what we want.
  • Hugh Freaking Dillon
    Hugh Freaking Dillon Posts: 14,010
    redrock wrote:
    That goes without saying Jean (though, seeing what happens to some children, one wonders). How we dispense/show this love will vary... tough love? 'Hippie' love? Wishy-washy or just right? And what would be 'just right'?

    Is it right to push a kid into something they are not into because you know they will be successful in the endeavour and their future could be nicely settled? Do you let them be and discover for themselves knowing they are doomed for failure? Not always easy to get it just right!

    nope. my parents were concerned that I was interested in NOTHING (as in sports) so they PAID me, yes, PAID me to try out for the volleyball team. Was I good at it? Yeah, sort of. But did I like it? yeah, maybe a bit. But what did it do for me in the end? Nothing. I didn't play the following year, or any year after that. Wasn't that into it, and I KNEW THAT, SO THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T TRY OUT. But hey, for $50, no questions asked, of course I did it.

    they also forced me to be in judo. Once they caught me skipping out, they let me drop it. Had they enrolled me in guitar classes, or pot smoking seminars, they may have been onto something.
    Gimli 1993
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    Winnipeg 2011
    St. Paul 2014
  • Hugh Freaking Dillon
    Hugh Freaking Dillon Posts: 14,010
    mickeyrat wrote:
    read some stuff recently that brought this question to mind.

    just love, respect for their personality and individuality, recognizing their needs, and good discipline/work ethic.

    teach them to do what they love. that breeds success.
    Gimli 1993
    Fargo 2003
    Winnipeg 2005
    Winnipeg 2011
    St. Paul 2014
  • catefrances
    catefrances Posts: 29,003
    Hugh Freaking Dillon wrote:
    redrock wrote:
    That goes without saying Jean (though, seeing what happens to some children, one wonders). How we dispense/show this love will vary... tough love? 'Hippie' love? Wishy-washy or just right? And what would be 'just right'?

    Is it right to push a kid into something they are not into because you know they will be successful in the endeavour and their future could be nicely settled? Do you let them be and discover for themselves knowing they are doomed for failure? Not always easy to get it just right!

    nope. my parents were concerned that I was interested in NOTHING (as in sports) so they PAID me, yes, PAID me to try out for the volleyball team. Was I good at it? Yeah, sort of. But did I like it? yeah, maybe a bit. But what did it do for me in the end? Nothing. I didn't play the following year, or any year after that. Wasn't that into it, and I KNEW THAT, SO THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T TRY OUT. But hey, for $50, no questions asked, of course I did it.

    they also forced me to be in judo. Once they caught me skipping out, they let me drop it. Had they enrolled me in guitar classes, or pot smoking seminars, they may have been onto something.


    why would a parent put themselves and their child through the hassle of making their child do something he/she didnt want to do? the only thing i see the obamas teaching their daughters is my parents made me do ballet and i hated it so youre doing tai chi cause i say so so much easier to find out what theyre interested in and encourage that... unless its serial killing or swiping tools from the hardware store.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • Jeanwah
    Jeanwah Posts: 6,363
    catefrances wrote:


    why would a parent put themselves and their child through the hassle of making their child do something he/she didnt want to do? the only thing i see the obamas teaching their daughters is my parents made me do ballet and i hated it so youre doing tai chi cause i say so so much easier to find out what theyre interested in and encourage that... unless its serial killing or swiping tools from the hardware store.

    If you go through life not urging your kids to try something new, they do fall into a pattern of refusing to be open to trying anything. Believe me, I see it all the time with friend's kids. Parents have to lead the way, not just sit back and assume they'll do something if they show interest. Because a LOT of kids need some push to try anything different. And that can be healthy.
    Basically, it's "know your child, and work with their individual style" that seems to work best.
  • Hugh Freaking Dillon
    Hugh Freaking Dillon Posts: 14,010
    catefrances wrote:
    Hugh Freaking Dillon wrote:
    redrock wrote:
    That goes without saying Jean (though, seeing what happens to some children, one wonders). How we dispense/show this love will vary... tough love? 'Hippie' love? Wishy-washy or just right? And what would be 'just right'?

    Is it right to push a kid into something they are not into because you know they will be successful in the endeavour and their future could be nicely settled? Do you let them be and discover for themselves knowing they are doomed for failure? Not always easy to get it just right!

    nope. my parents were concerned that I was interested in NOTHING (as in sports) so they PAID me, yes, PAID me to try out for the volleyball team. Was I good at it? Yeah, sort of. But did I like it? yeah, maybe a bit. But what did it do for me in the end? Nothing. I didn't play the following year, or any year after that. Wasn't that into it, and I KNEW THAT, SO THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T TRY OUT. But hey, for $50, no questions asked, of course I did it.

    they also forced me to be in judo. Once they caught me skipping out, they let me drop it. Had they enrolled me in guitar classes, or pot smoking seminars, they may have been onto something.


    why would a parent put themselves and their child through the hassle of making their child do something he/she didnt want to do? the only thing i see the obamas teaching their daughters is my parents made me do ballet and i hated it so youre doing tai chi cause i say so so much easier to find out what theyre interested in and encourage that... unless its serial killing or swiping tools from the hardware store.

    my parents were looking at it as "our two other kids are huge into sports and academia, but our youngest is interested in nothing", so they thought if they could find a way to get me to try something, that I'd like it and continue on. I can't blame them for their effort. They felt lost. My older brother and sister were huge into sports and very good at school; I did nothing and was failing. The difference? I did drugs, and they didn't.

    the only thing I fault them on is trying to get me to do the wrong things. But back in those days, there wasn't a whole lot of options except sports or studies.
    Gimli 1993
    Fargo 2003
    Winnipeg 2005
    Winnipeg 2011
    St. Paul 2014
  • redrock
    redrock Posts: 18,341
    catefrances wrote:
    by successful what do you mean? financially? cause from where im standing the measure of a successful life isnt money. and that should never be the reason to do anything.

    Exactly! Successful is many different things - certainly not money. But there are many parents who will push kids to do this or that, go into certain things/studies because it will be 'good for them in the future'. For example, a kid that's artistic but is 'pushed' by parents to study accounting because there's a job out of it in the end... those kind of things.

    Wishy-washy love... hmmmm... yeah.. well it's the kind of 'yeah I've got a kid and I love it but I so need the nanny (even if I don't work) and yeah, boarding school will be great for him/her' type love. Guess I'm not explaining this very well!
  • guitar59
    guitar59 Posts: 1,221
    Know your kid and accept who they are. Unconditional love.
    We are just entering the teenage years, and have 3 others coming up behind him...every child is different and can not be parented in the same way.
    So the answer to the OP's question would be, no. Parents can't follow an instruction manual and find a one size fits all answer. There isn't one right way to raise a child. I think the parents need to look to themselves and decide the values and ideals that they feel are important to pass on to the next generation and proceed from there. We value honesty, integrity, manners, and empathy. When parents can choose some core values to pass on to the kids I think it becomes easier to focus on how to raise the kid. Even our most difficult, spirited child can be polite and act with integrity.
  • ShimmyMommy
    ShimmyMommy Posts: 7,505
    No. The only suggestion I have is that if you have different ways of parenting you must negotiate to meet somewhere in the middle. Otherwise, that child will divide and conquer and you won't even know it. They are very clever. That is all. :mrgreen:
    Lots of love, light and hugs to you all!
  • cincybearcat
    cincybearcat Posts: 16,960
    catefrances wrote:
    by successful what do you mean? financially? cause from where im standing the measure of a successful life isnt money. and that should never be the reason to do anything.


    You don't have much $, do you? ;)
    hippiemom = goodness
  • JR8805
    JR8805 Posts: 169
    Is there only one way to get to a Pearl Jam show? :) The best way to raise children is to give them unconditional love, but set reasonable limits and show/tell them you have high expectations. There are a million ways to do these things.
  • pandora
    pandora Posts: 21,855
    JR8805 wrote:
    Is there only one way to get to a Pearl Jam show? :) The best way to raise children is to give them unconditional love, but set reasonable limits and show/tell them you have high expectations. There are a million ways to do these things.

    great post :thumbup:

    it is as variable as relationships are.

    I would add honesty, a must in parenting.
    Respect and also to respect privacy...
    to approach any problem the child has discreetly that will promote trust
    between child and parent.

    To keep communication open with the above factors in mind.

    Age appropriate books are a wonderful aid.

    Purchased a couple years ahead keeps a parent aware of age related problems that can occur.
    Knowledge about parenting makes everything easier for parent and child.

    When a family home is filled with love, trust, respect, good communication, knowledge, honesty
    it is a happy home. :D
    In my opinion....

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