Openness

2

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  • tremors
    tremors Posts: 8,051
    The young man who grinned a sick grin. Who kept me locked, and locked my arms, who was first to join the punishments, the beatings, the deprivations. He seemed to revel in it. I can still see his sick grin, it's been haunting me like a crescent moon. Until just now, I realised what it was.... There's a gulf fuelled by my envy. Which he had no desire to fill. The gulf from sanity to insanity. Why try and bridge it? It gives him power, it feeds him. In more ways than one.

    So instead he stands there on the bridge, grinning at me as I go insane, beating me up and rubbing my nose in it. It makes him stronger as I fall, helpless, unhelped, a full foot beyond alone. He smirks, he grins, he teases, he plays games. He runs to the fray with relish. And now I'm where he was. In the land of the lucid. It makes me shiver, how anyone could be so cold. I'm tempted to find out where he lives and show him some lucid fear. Watch him as he realises 'this is really happening', to him, to me. Let him see what I went through; at his hands. He doesn't want to bridge the gap. He goes to work to gloat.

    But there's something more beneath this. I know his face. That pretty man is sick. And he's in his element.
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  • tremors
    tremors Posts: 8,051
    Lake
    Settling
    Birds corkscrewing
    Trees
    Billowing
    Warmth
    Home
    Replenishing
    Mind
    Spiralling
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  • mysticweed
    mysticweed Posts: 3,710
    tremors wrote:
    In the University library
    1993
    You were gorgeous
    In your boots and leggings
    I had a yearning
    to know you
    yearning
    It took me weeks
    but you let me in
    You smiled
    You always clutched a cassette player
    Tighter than your books
    Always had a faraway look in your eye
    And the first week I knew you
    I asked what you heard
    You looked awkward but showed me your ear
    It was alive
    I didn't think much
    But this was the starting bell
    For sleepless nights and poems
    I wonder if you still have my poems
    You were drifting so far away
    I was trying to reach you
    Trying to bridge your divides
    I wrote and wrote into the early hours
    A torrent from places a young man
    shouldn't have to reach
    I wrote through the night sometimes
    It was a love, a pain
    A cracking up
    My innocence in freefall
    Your stories made me cry
    I just wanted to prove to you
    That it didn't have to be like this
    That you didn't deserve it
    That the way you looked
    The way you made me feel
    Filled me with
    Something
    Something good
    You were on an ethereal plane

    I joined you there

    It cost me a lot

    soooooo goooood
    goddamn i was there with you
    and i was there without you
    soooooo goooood
    fuck 'em if they can't take a joke

    "what a long, strange trip it's been"
  • tremors
    tremors Posts: 8,051
    chickweed wrote:
    tremors wrote:
    In the University library
    1993
    You were gorgeous
    In your boots and leggings
    I had a yearning
    to know you
    yearning
    It took me weeks
    but you let me in
    You smiled
    You always clutched a cassette player
    Tighter than your books
    Always had a faraway look in your eye
    And the first week I knew you
    I asked what you heard
    You looked awkward but showed me your ear
    It was alive
    I didn't think much
    But this was the starting bell
    For sleepless nights and poems
    I wonder if you still have my poems
    You were drifting so far away
    I was trying to reach you
    Trying to bridge your divides
    I wrote and wrote into the early hours
    A torrent from places a young man
    shouldn't have to reach
    I wrote through the night sometimes
    It was a love, a pain
    A cracking up
    My innocence in freefall
    Your stories made me cry
    I just wanted to prove to you
    That it didn't have to be like this
    That you didn't deserve it
    That the way you looked
    The way you made me feel
    Filled me with
    Something
    Something good
    You were on an ethereal plane

    I joined you there

    It cost me a lot

    soooooo goooood
    goddamn i was there with you
    and i was there without you
    soooooo goooood

    Thanks very much g. I always think it's hard when you write from 'memories', to know if any of it is making any sense to anybody else.
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  • tremors
    tremors Posts: 8,051
    She came drifting barefoot
    The second and only
    Love of my life
    She wandered the daylight
    Plucked the petals and gave them to me
    She had no sense of time
    Her touch was like cool water
    Sizzling at it reached my fire
    As she stroked my brow
    I felt shackles loosen
    Deep down inside

    She came into my life
    As I came into hers
    And we slow danced around it
    Until it was time to part
    The only one who didn't rip me
    As she left me
    Didn't bail out
    When I left her
    Standing alone again

    A year later
    I returned to the church
    Where a year before
    We huddled on the hilltop
    Wrapped up in each other
    Wrapped up
    From the shuddering wind
    I looked out across the valley,
    Placid now
    Unlike the aching in my chest
    As I went inside the dark, the musty
    Woody shelter
    I felt an arrow in my heart
    As I read back through the visitors
    Scrawled in blue and going back so many years
    I recognised your writing
    You said
    I wish to marry
    will you marry me K?
    I took the pen and wrote
    What I said to you back then
    I wrote
    I love you, Yes
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  • PilateOfTheStorm
    PilateOfTheStorm Posts: 4,319
    tremors wrote:
    Here is one of the first things I ever wrote, aged about 19 - so 19 years ago probably. I still remember it, because it has a melody attached to it too


    Smell of molten tarmac
    mingles with the scent of chapatti
    We cycle and we're 8 years old
    and make it back in time for tea
    Looking up I noticed life
    will pass you by, insanity
    But things were so much simpler then
    when it was just you and me
    You grew up before your time
    and as for me well I'm still trying
    to figure out if a wanderer or
    a ______ is something that I wish to be


    I forget the ending now, and was going to write a new one, but decided not to! :D


    I love this :)
  • tremors
    tremors Posts: 8,051
    Thanks electriccccx!
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  • tremors
    tremors Posts: 8,051
    W.M.E.

    You met someone who gets up
    When you put them to the ground
    You met someone who knew
    How to rise above the screech, smart and sting
    So you stung him again
    And again
    And again
    You met someone
    On another plane
    You know so little
    You don't know what you're doing
    You met someone better trained than you

    You're used to squashing violence
    But found it harder to squash peace
    You didn't like it when your wristbands
    Only brought you greater danger
    You believe in brute force
    You'll never understand where I've been
    I wasn't going to let you take me
    I can dig a lot deeper than you

    In the end you did what you know best
    You increased brutality
    Took it over the top
    You increased numbers
    You couldn't afford to lose
    You had to break me
    With all that you had
    You were frightened
    By things you didn't understand
    Not everything lies in the text books
    They teach in this land
    You got your victory
    You must have thought you all did a good job

    So how come when I saw you last week
    It was you that flinched?
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  • tremors
    tremors Posts: 8,051
    The Monster

    I watched the Hulk last night
    And it upset me
    How I hurt the people around me
    How I scare the people around me
    They look at me
    And see the monster
    Even years later
    Through the furrowed brow
    They look inside and see the monster
    I look back and see the monster
    Who on earth can love the monster?
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  • tremors
    tremors Posts: 8,051
    Retreat to fear of zero
    Let it fall back to the earth
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  • skyeriverwinter
    skyeriverwinter Posts: 1,906
    I read your waves
    feel safe in the knowing
    I am not alone
    you are not alone
    we ride these waves
    because...
    ....
    because we have to...
    we are...who we are
    scathed and all...
  • tremors
    tremors Posts: 8,051
    Thanks skyeriverwinter. Your words always touch me
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  • tremors
    tremors Posts: 8,051
    She whispered to the whispers
    Forgave the devils in the night
    Hands clutching translated through her
    to easiness
    She stayed still
    Easy, her room flickered with the chimes
    Hanging over her door
    Hand in hand we walked the canals
    Running ahead she divided the fields
    Her child knew of god, knew of death, knew of life, knew love
    I once told her how the world always looked different
    How together with her, horizons stretched, colours flared
    She told me her world was soft, like this all the time
    She prayed alone
    She knew God
    She lived in God every day
    Her arrival a blessing
    The parting no curse
    Parting tore me back to childhood
    Only wanting our love to continue
    Desperately trying to claw back the times
    The words that flowed so easily from my tongue dried up
    But she never looked back
    She married
    She bore more children
    She always wanted all the children
    I hope I see her again
    The last time she spoke to me kindly
    The next time I don't know what I will say
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  • acrossssSsssshittt
    acrossssSsssshittt Posts: 1,014
    tremors wrote:

    And when I finally got my life back
    I took charge of its decline
    Believe me I tried to fight them at the time
    Tried to stop them putting it down my throat
    I guarantee you they have means
    To break your will, break your body, break you down
    There really is no escape
    But how come I'm the only one of them that knows
    Knows what this did to me, to my self
    The struggle
    The daily struggle
    And now they've got one
    That almost seems my friend
    I guess it must have slipped right through the net
    This rage at my annihilation
    By chemical, by force
    Still burns on
    One day I'll break something good
    And then they'll know.

    it hurts to read this...

    breaking something good feels real good
  • tremors
    tremors Posts: 8,051
    acrossSsshit wrote:
    tremors wrote:

    And when I finally got my life back
    I took charge of its decline
    Believe me I tried to fight them at the time
    Tried to stop them putting it down my throat
    I guarantee you they have means
    To break your will, break your body, break you down
    There really is no escape
    But how come I'm the only one of them that knows
    Knows what this did to me, to my self
    The struggle
    The daily struggle
    And now they've got one
    That almost seems my friend
    I guess it must have slipped right through the net
    This rage at my annihilation
    By chemical, by force
    Still burns on
    One day I'll break something good
    And then they'll know.

    it hurts to read this...

    breaking something good feels real good


    There are some things I have lived through that if I was really able to find the words for, it would be too upsetting to both write and read. So I skate round it, and often take comfort in everyday language. I find if I can describe something horrible quite blankly, then it is usually a sign that it no longer haunts me so. Some of the situations though are so horrible that even referring to them can be painful. Tips of icebergs, tips of icebergs - there are a lot of them round these parts!
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  • acrossssSsssshittt
    acrossssSsssshittt Posts: 1,014
    tremors wrote:
    There are some things I have lived through that if I was really able to find the words for, it would be too upsetting to both write and read. So I skate round it, and often take comfort in everyday language. I find if I can describe something horrible quite blankly, then it is usually a sign that it no longer haunts me so. Some of the situations though are so horrible that even referring to them can be painful. Tips of icebergs, tips of icebergs - there are a lot of them round these parts!

    we're then left with our thoughts... and I'm finding it's not easy to kill thoughts tremors... at times drink or drugs help... as of late however I'm finding that that's been making it worse... i don't know what to do...i know there's prayer... still.. gettin fucked used to be easier
  • tremors
    tremors Posts: 8,051
    forgiveness.....
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  • PilateOfTheStorm
    PilateOfTheStorm Posts: 4,319
    acrossSsshit wrote:
    tremors wrote:

    And when I finally got my life back
    I took charge of its decline
    Believe me I tried to fight them at the time
    Tried to stop them putting it down my throat
    I guarantee you they have means
    To break your will, break your body, break you down
    There really is no escape
    But how come I'm the only one of them that knows
    Knows what this did to me, to my self
    The struggle
    The daily struggle
    And now they've got one
    That almost seems my friend
    I guess it must have slipped right through the net
    This rage at my annihilation
    By chemical, by force
    Still burns on
    One day I'll break something good
    And then they'll know.

    it hurts to read this...

    breaking something good feels real good

    love that poem

    some of your work tremors, makes me feel as though you've been inside my head ... rummaged through my brain and sifted out my thoughts

    stunning work, this thread is beautiful
  • PilateOfTheStorm
    PilateOfTheStorm Posts: 4,319
    tremors wrote:
    The Monster

    I watched the Hulk last night
    And it upset me
    How I hurt the people around me
    How I scare the people around me
    They look at me
    And see the monster
    Even years later
    Through the furrowed brow
    They look inside and see the monster
    I look back and see the monster
    Who on earth can love the monster?

    At school we are looking at poems by Carol Ann Duffy and Simon Armitage.
    This one reminds me of some of their work, Love it

    I really like this poem, the style of it. Hope to see more like this from you, it's great
  • tremors
    tremors Posts: 8,051
    edited February 2011
    tremors wrote:
    W.M.E.

    You met someone who gets up
    When you put them to the ground
    You met someone who knew
    How to rise above the screech, smart and sting
    So you stung him again
    And again
    And again
    You met someone
    On another plane
    You know so little
    You don't know what you're doing
    You met someone better trained than you

    You're used to squashing violence
    But found it harder to squash peace
    You didn't like it when your wristbands
    Only brought you greater danger
    You believe in brute force
    You'll never understand where I've been
    I wasn't going to let you take me
    I can dig a lot deeper than you

    In the end you did what you know best
    You increased brutality
    Took it over the top
    You increased numbers
    You couldn't afford to lose
    You had to break me
    With all that you had
    You were frightened
    By things you didn't understand
    Not everything lies in the text books
    They teach in this land
    You got your victory
    You must have thought you all did a good job

    So how come when I saw you last week
    It was you that flinched?


    Insult to Injury

    So you talk
    You whisper
    You spread your preconception
    On the telegraph
    You gossip
    You break the law
    Me a crazy
    Not to be touched
    By society
    You cause me problems
    But by the force of what you did to me
    The force of my melted insides
    I will prevail
    And you will fail

    My revenge comes in stages
    Your sickness
    You spend in one go
    Post edited by tremors on
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