Joke

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Comments

  • polaris_x
    polaris_x Posts: 13,559
    Amazing New Medical Technology.

    A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father, without the need for any physical connection. He asked if they were interested.
    Both said they were very much in favor of it.

    The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent
    pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

    At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

    When they got home they found the postman dead, on the porch.
  • FenwayFaithful
    FenwayFaithful Posts: 8,626
    :lol::clap:
    "FF, I've heard the droning about the Sawx being the baby dolls. Yeah, I get it, you guys invented baseball and suffered forever. I get it." -JearlPam0925
  • tinkerbell
    tinkerbell New Zealand Posts: 2,161
    pjfan31 wrote:
    This Aussie was in a bar, sitting next to some kiwis and said
    "Did you hear the one about the Aussie and the Kiw?i"

    The Kiwi stops him, and said
    "Hey, I'm 187cm tall, 106 kgs, played 67 tests for the all balck. The guy next to me, he's 190cm tall, 115kgs, played 56 tests for the all blacks. And the guy next to him is 193cms tall, 120kgs and played 43 tests for the all blacks. Now let me ask you this, are you sure you want to tell this joke now?

    And the Aussie replied, "Not if I have to explain it three times".
    :roll:








    :lol:;)
    all you need is love, love is all you need
  • pjfan31
    pjfan31 Posts: 7,335
    Two Kiwis board a Qantas flight in London. Just before take off, and Aussie gets on board and takes the seat beside them. He kicks off his shoes and is just about to settle down for a sleep when the one of the kiwis said 'I think I'll get a coke'.

    'No trubs, the Aussie said, I'll get it for you'

    While he is gone, the kiwi picks up his shoe and spits in it. When he returns the other Kiwi asked if he could have a coke too. The Aussie goes to get it and that Kiwi picks the other shoe up and spits in it. The Aussie returns and they enjoy the rest of the flight.

    As the plane is landing, the Aussie slips his shoes on and immediately knows what has happened.

    "How long must this go on?" he asks.
    "The hatred between our people..... The animosity..... The rivalry..... The spitting in shoes and the pissing in cokes???
    Sydney 11/02/2003
    Sydney 14/02/2003
    Sydney 07/11/2006
    Sydney 18/11/2006
    Sydney 22/11/2009
    EV Sydney 18/03/2011
    EV Sydney 19/03/2011
    EV Sydney 20/03/2011
    Melbourne 24/01/2014
    Sydney 26/01/2014
    EV Sydney 13/02/2014
  • pjfan31
    pjfan31 Posts: 7,335
    An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

    He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:
    "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
    Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
    Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
    Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
    Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
    Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
    Dog: "Yep"
    Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
    Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
    and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
    Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
    Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
    Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
    Horse: "Cool"
    Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
    Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
    Horse: "Yep"
    Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and
    keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
    Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
    Kiwi: (in a panic) " Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.."
    Sydney 11/02/2003
    Sydney 14/02/2003
    Sydney 07/11/2006
    Sydney 18/11/2006
    Sydney 22/11/2009
    EV Sydney 18/03/2011
    EV Sydney 19/03/2011
    EV Sydney 20/03/2011
    Melbourne 24/01/2014
    Sydney 26/01/2014
    EV Sydney 13/02/2014
  • Dissidentman
    Dissidentman Posts: 15,378
    A rabbi and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says, "what is this, a joke?"
  • Franny
    Franny Posts: 2,054
    Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

    A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time...
  • Franny
    Franny Posts: 2,054
    An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

    Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

    The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

    He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

    The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away
  • Franny
    Franny Posts: 2,054
    Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

    The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She ... See Moredid a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

    The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday
  • Franny
    Franny Posts: 2,054
    A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

    FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

    So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a... See More 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

    The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

    He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

    The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

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