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I wish I could help her more....

CHANGEinWAVESCHANGEinWAVES Posts: 10,169
edited May 2009 in All Encompassing Trip
I have a friend from work.... she's 25 and jst recently I found out she doesn't just have 2 twin kiddies (age 4) but in all she has 5. Her ex beat her and almost killed her and was put in jail... in the meantime her house was taken from her and the older children placed with her mother until she could find a home to fit them all. She works all day at 2 jobs to try and do the best for them and get a home for all of them to live together again in.

Tonight I called her after dropping her off at home from work and she was crying. Her boyfriend of 2 years had left her twins home alone with nothing but pizza on the table while he went to drink. He even went as far as to tell them he was leaving to pick her up. When talking to her I heard him grab the phone and heard her screaming for him to 'stop pulling her hair and to get off of her" :(

..... I went over and took her and the kids out for a bit until things calmed down. The kids finally were tired and wanted to go home so she asked if I could take them back. I really didn't want to, but I can't force her to do anything.

I want to help her out, but given the situation I have no idea what to do. I've been offering my support and doing what I can. But in all honesty I'm afraid of her boyfriend and don't want him to know too much about me... and at the same time I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do all I could to help her and her children out of this situation.

I'm just so lost at what to do.
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Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • pearljgirl2010pearljgirl2010 Shillington, PA/Tuckerton, NJ Posts: 3,428
    wow....that's a tough one. she needs to get awayyyyy from those awful relationships and find someone strong. she needs help in getting her life on a positive path, and you can only point her in the right direction...it sounds like it's about what you can do to help her.

    I hope they'll be ok, but I feel like a true intervention or something is needed...
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  • FifthelementFifthelement Lotusland Posts: 6,963
    Have you looked into local resources for abused women in your area such as shelters, social services, etc. Are there any resources that she can take advantage of through work?

    I feel for your need to help, but really, just like any problem, she has to be the one to finally take control of her life. Your fear for your own safety should be paramount. The more you get involved, the more he might see you as a threat. Be careful while being caring.
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  • Steve DunneSteve Dunne Posts: 4,965
    you are a good friend for helping out.
    I love to turn you on
  • Phantom PainPhantom Pain Posts: 9,876
    Whats really frustrating in most of the cases the person being abused does not want help...but you try and try to help and just get more sucked in and eventually nothing changes

    Thats why most people do not get involved...even if you help her out she may end up going back to the guy and you feel like "Why did I bother?"

    Its not an easy situation
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  • washedinblack91washedinblack91 Posts: 3,078
    that's rough :(
    i think the only thing you can really do is educate yourself on shelters for battered women and all kinds of information related to that, then try and give her some options, remind her of things she can do to help herself and her children and put emphasis on the children. she may think she could handle him, but what if he lays a hand on her kids? and of course you should stand by, maybe make yourself available to her whenever she needs you. if it's a matter of life and death, maybe remind her that she can call you anytime, even if it's just to vent.
    she's the only one who can make the decision to help herself and nothing can happen unless she wants it to, and you certainly can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do, but sometimes just being there for someone is enough to get someone to help themselves. it may take a while to see a result, but i think that no matter what she should feel like there's someone out there who still cares.
    i hope i helped a little, i can't stand these situations and i've seen enough of it in my own family :(
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  • Drop The Leash 10Drop The Leash 10 Posts: 7,011
    Steve Dunne wrote:
    you are a good friend for helping out.
    +1
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    Once I get out of this town


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  • mfc2006mfc2006 HTOWN Posts: 37,484
    not sure what to say...
    but i can echo what has been said already. you're being a great friend, and it seems like she needs all the help she can get. try to get some info for shelters/non-profits that can help her out. for the life of me, i can never understand how a man can raise their hand to a woman. or speak to them in an abusive way, for that matter.

    keep your head up, CiW. you're doing a great job!
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  • Heatherj43Heatherj43 Posts: 1,254
    There are shelters for abused women and their childreen. I know no one wants to leave their homes and uproot their kids, but this guy sounds dangerous, not only to her, but the kids too. She needs to go to one of those shelters and get a restraining order.
    You could do the research as to where one of these places are and give her the info., but after that its up to her. She has get to the point where she is sick and tired of being sick and tired.
    I hope, for her sake, she doesn't wait too long, cuz then they may take the kids from her for leaving them around such abuse. He left them alone. That could make HER lose her children. She has to face this fact.
    I know of women who have lost their kids due to some abusive man. Let her know that if school or anyone turns this situation in to protective services, she will end up having to fight to get her kids back. Hopefully, she will act appropriately then.
    At this point, she is co-jointly abusing them because she knows they have been left alone by this man and she is the one who left them with him.
    Its a touchy thing, but I am not kiding. I am a social worker who worked with abused, neglected,and homeless kids. She needs to be careful. It would be a shame for her to lose them because of her choices about this guy, and it is her choices.
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  • PearlOfAGirlPearlOfAGirl Posts: 15,993
    I think she should get herself and her children into a shelter, so she will be safe, and then she can realize that she doesn't need some man to make her feel complete.

    She's really lucky to have a friend like you Brandi.

    Wish you were here...
    ♥~RIP Dad
  • yokeyoke Posts: 1,440
    I could round up a couple of my buddies and we could put him into a shelter :twisted:


    I agree, she needs to get out of there. I know people who have been in this situation and it never gets any better. If it does get better its for a very short time. All you can do is be a friend and point her in the right direction.
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  • comebackgirlcomebackgirl Posts: 9,885
    Just to echo what others have said, help her get linked up with resources in the area. Lots of domestic violence agencies have transitional housing programs, so rather than having to move into a shelter with her kids, she may be able to move right into an apartment with them. They'll help her with subsidized daycare and job training as well as counseling for her and the kids and legal assistance. That will help eliminate a lot of the barriers to her leaving. I'm not sure what county you are in, but the suburban philadelphia counties all have nice shelters and I think they all have transitional housing programs now too.
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  • PJaddictedPJaddicted Posts: 1,432
    Having lived a very long life, and seen cases like this with my own family and friends, more times then I want to remember, its unfortunate....but you really can't help her. Looks like she ends up choosing men that are no good for her over and over again. Women like her have to want to help themselves and stop taking on dysfunctional men. They need to stay away from men and become whole and learn to love themselves. Until they do that she will keep attracting a-holes. Also when people live in her situation, they actually get addicted to the drama that comes with that lifestyle. What you can do is arm her with information, and then do some nice things for those poor innocent little children, they are the real victims when their parents make bad decisions, they pay with ending up having crappy childhoods and start on a lifetime of becoming dysfunctional themselves.
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  • sweet adelinesweet adeline Posts: 2,191
    call 911.
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