Update on the situation with my good friend

mammasan wrote:

Most of our close group knows that this guy is a prick but I don't think any of us realized the extent, the verbal abuse. I know her best friend and was contemplating calling her to see if she was aware of the entire situation.

That might be a good idea, maybe at first not tell her everything you know, but feel her out a bit. I dunno... it could make this girl pissed at her best friend if she expresses her concerns to her (especially if the friend is married).

mammasan wrote:

Only problem with that is that they guy does not have a job. He was booted from the Correction's Officer academy about 6-8 months ago and hasn't had a real job since then. He picks up some odd jobs here and there but drinks what little money he makes away. She on the other hand has a good career plus works a second job to pay for the wedding as well as all their bills. So what would most likely happen is that he would take half her money.

So this situation is worse than I thought. hmmmm Yeah, I'd get her the fuck away real quick like.

mammasan wrote:

if I ever find out that he has hit her or continues to verbal abuse her that I found fucking bury him. He gets defensive and starts telling me to fuck off and mind my own business. I tell him that the happiness and well being of my friends is my business and that he had better tread lightly when dealing with me and get back in my car and drive off.

I know I shouldn't have approached him but I just couldn't stop myself. I didn't like this guy before but now after hearing how he talks to her I just want to kill him.

So you basically threatened him? Why am I the only person who thinks you are wrong? Are you and your 8 friends going after him with pitchforks and axes if he does something wrong?

You are women's hero on this board. In reality, you may have lost your friendship with her b/c of his rules. It's her choice to marry him. I've been in an abusive relationship with a boyfriend after my divorce. The victim often (oddly enough) protects the abuser, it can be a boyfriend/spouse/or parent.

The other day, when I first read about your concerns for her, I forgot to tell you this. I was married at a very young age to a verbally abusive man who also drank too much and was gone doing his own thing, but he was different that the fiance, in that he worked very hard. At the pool one day, as usual, I was complaining about his drinking, partying with the female college students at work, etc. to my sister's sister in law. Her brother was best friends with my husband. She got sick of my bitching and moaning and finally said, "how long are you going to put up with this?" I was shocked she said that to me, but it made me think. I think your best bet is to be a good listener. And yes weddings cost $55,000. I had a stripped down bare minimum non church wedding 11 years ago, nothing fancy and it cost $5,000, maybe $6,000.

You have a child, right? You may need to count to 10 and think first before threatening this verbally abusive drunk, you can't take care of your family if you are in jail. What if he hits you first and there are no witnesses? He could say you started it.

The Champ wrote:

What's wrong with playing golf?

Why do so many women stay in abusive relationships?

I don't get it...

she is as much of her own problem as the guy is....

You did the right thing in talking to your friend. This is a tough situation to be in. Sometimes people see things a little clearer once they see them through someone else's eyes - I hope that's the case with your friend.

My best friend married a guy under similar circumstances - started off as verbal abuse, then she started having all these unexplained injuries. He wanted to give her a beautiful engagement ring - so he charged one for $10,000 on her credit card :rolleyes: He was unemployed, meanwhile she was working 3 jobs. I told her my concerns - I was her maid of honor and just cried throughout the wedding (def not tears of joy)! On her wedding day, she told me she understood why I was concerned and that they could always get divorced...which they did - almost exactly 1 year later. The breaking point was when she found out he had been cheating on her with the same woman since before they even got married. Fortunately no kids, so a pretty easy divorce, but not before he abused her even more physically. She wound up having to file bankruptcy. She really thought things would get better after they got married - she thought he just needed to know how much she loved him :rolleyes: But she's out now and doing a whole hell of a lot better without him.

Your friend may or may not go through with the wedding - she's gonna have to make that choice on her own. But it will definitely help her down the road just to know that you will be there for her.