Update on the situation with my good friend

mammasan
mammasan Posts: 5,656
edited September 2008 in All Encompassing Trip
Ok so as some of you know from my earlier post I am worried about my friend, Chiara, and her marriage to her douche bag fiance. I met her for dinner last night and though she seemed tired she was in good spirits. We had dinner and the topic of her upcoming nuptials did not surface. After dinner she wanted to grab a drink so we went to a bar. We are not there for 5 minutes when her fiance calls her and she starts crying. She tells me that he is pissed that she didn't come home straight from work. I try to introduce my concern as diplomatically and lightly as I can. I ask her if she is sure that she wants to go through with this wedding because she doesn't seem that happy and I am generally concerned for her. For those of you that may not know, Chiara and I have been friends for almost 20 years. she is like a sister to me. She confides in me that she is having doubts but that she has sunk so much of her money and her father gave her about $10,000 for the wedding that she doesn't want to toss all that money away. Just so you know the wedding is costing her $55,000. I try to explain, using my experience as an example, that money could be made again. That you do not want to spend the next 10 years of your life with someone only to have it thrown away like trash. She is doesn't know what to do, but I simply tell her that she has to do what she wants, but regardless of what path she takes I will always be there. She proceeds to tell me that her fiance is verbally abusive to her. Now she is probably about 10-15 lbs over-weight. She is not fat by any means and she is beautiful inside and out, but she tells me that her fiance constantly mocks her weight, constantly deems her by called her a fat fucking pig. Now I'm fucking pissed and the urge to drive to their place and lay the fucking guy out is completely overwhelming. I can't hold it in anymore and I tell her that I think the guy is a total douche bag and that she could do so much better. She doesn't deserve to be treated like this and this asshole definitely does not deserve someone like her. I tell her that a marriage is a partnership that both people have to put something into the marriage and that both people should get something out of it as well. i tell her that she is the only one putting something into this relationship and he is the only one getting something out of it, what is in it for her. A life on misery, maybe financial hardship because the guy is a lazy sack of shit, abuse. I tell her that she has to find someone that she loves, not just settle for this guy because she hasn't found that someone yet. She tells me that she is confused and doesn't know what to do and she feels that if she doesn't go through with the wedding she will be letting her family down.

I end it with that because I don't want to push the issue any further and risk damaging our friendship. I drive her home and her fiance is waiting on the front steps. I wait till she goes inside and I walk up to him to have a chat. I tell him that I can see right the fuck through him and know exactly the type of guy he is. He just gives me this douche bag smirk. I proceed and tell him that Chiara is like my sister and I will protect her as such and if I ever find out that he has hit her or continues to verbal abuse her that I found fucking bury him. He gets defensive and starts telling me to fuck off and mind my own business. I tell him that the happiness and well being of my friends is my business and that he had better tread lightly when dealing with me and get back in my car and drive off.

I know I shouldn't have approached him but I just couldn't stop myself. I didn't like this guy before but now after hearing how he talks to her I just want to kill him.
"When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads." - Ron Paul
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments

  • TrixieCat
    TrixieCat Posts: 5,756
    You are my fucking hero.
    You are the benchmark of what a true friend is.

    And your approaching him was indeed your business.
    I am so proud of you and so happy your friend has someone like you.
    Let's hope she listens.
    Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
    And I don't feel right when you're gone away
  • meme
    meme Posts: 4,695
    I really hope she listens to you. It sounds astonishing from the outside that she could go through with this only not to lose the money for the wedding, but unfortunately these things happen.

    I wish her all the best. You're a good friend.
    ... and the will to show I will always be better than before.
  • PJSerf
    PJSerf Posts: 637
    I think you absolutely did the right thing. She's lucky that she has a friend like you to support her. I'm sure there are plenty of women (or men) who "settle" because they don't think there is anyone else out there, or they don't want to let down their family and friends.

    I hope the situation works out for you and more importantly for your friend.
    "If you love someone, set them free... if someone loves you, don't fuck up" - EV
  • South of Seattle
    South of Seattle West Seattle Posts: 10,724
    Good Job!

    If this were a school project, I'd give you an A

    You told your friend the truth and then you verbally abused the D-bag back.

    The only backfire I can see here is the fiancee threatening her and having her choose him over you. Most girls in this situation are usually fairly week and will always agree w/ the fiancee though.
    NERDS!
  • urbanhippie
    urbanhippie Posts: 3,007
    Well done you for not laying him out on the doorstep. As for your friend, well at least she knows she has someone to turn to. You can't make her decisions, but at least you were able to give her some perspective and help to come to her own.
    A human being that was given to fly.

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  • Black Diamond
    Black Diamond Posts: 25,109
    mammasan wrote:
    Ok so as some of you know from my earlier post I am worried about my friend, Chiara, and her marriage to her douche bag fiance. I met her for dinner last night and though she seemed tired she was in good spirits. We had dinner and the topic of her upcoming nuptials did not surface. After dinner she wanted to grab a drink so we went to a bar. We are not there for 5 minutes when her fiance calls her and she starts crying. She tells me that he is pissed that she didn't come home straight from work. I try to introduce my concern as diplomatically and lightly as I can. I ask her if she is sure that she wants to go through with this wedding because she doesn't seem that happy and I am generally concerned for her. For those of you that may not know, Chiara and I have been friends for almost 20 years. she is like a sister to me. She confides in me that she is having doubts but that she has sunk so much of her money and her father gave her about $10,000 for the wedding that she doesn't want to toss all that money away. Just so you know the wedding is costing her $55,000. I try to explain, using my experience as an example, that money could be made again. That you do not want to spend the next 10 years of your life with someone only to have it thrown away like trash. She is doesn't know what to do, but I simply tell her that she has to do what she wants, but regardless of what path she takes I will always be there. She proceeds to tell me that her fiance is verbally abusive to her. Now she is probably about 10-15 lbs over-weight. She is not fat by any means and she is beautiful inside and out, but she tells me that her fiance constantly mocks her weight, constantly deems her by called her a fat fucking pig. Now I'm fucking pissed and the urge to drive to their place and lay the fucking guy out is completely overwhelming. I can't hold it in anymore and I tell her that I think the guy is a total douche bag and that she could do so much better. She doesn't deserve to be treated like this and this asshole definitely does not deserve someone like her. I tell her that a marriage is a partnership that both people have to put something into the marriage and that both people should get something out of it as well. i tell her that she is the only one putting something into this relationship and he is the only one getting something out of it, what is in it for her. A life on misery, maybe financial hardship because the guy is a lazy sack of shit, abuse. I tell her that she has to find someone that she loves, not just settle for this guy because she hasn't found that someone yet. She tells me that she is confused and doesn't know what to do and she feels that if she doesn't go through with the wedding she will be letting her family down.

    I end it with that because I don't want to push the issue any further and risk damaging our friendship. I drive her home and her fiance is waiting on the front steps. I wait till she goes inside and I walk up to him to have a chat. I tell him that I can see right the fuck through him and know exactly the type of guy he is. He just gives me this douche bag smirk. I proceed and tell him that Chiara is like my sister and I will protect her as such and if I ever find out that he has hit her or continues to verbal abuse her that I found fucking bury him. He gets defensive and starts telling me to fuck off and mind my own business. I tell him that the happiness and well being of my friends is my business and that he had better tread lightly when dealing with me and get back in my car and drive off.

    I know I shouldn't have approached him but I just couldn't stop myself. I didn't like this guy before but now after hearing how he talks to her I just want to kill him.

    Friends like you are very hard to find. I commend you on the Chutzpah and dedication to your friend. There are too few of you out there.

    Have you considered having a conversation with her family. This might be pushing the bounds a little bit but it sounds like the pressure from the family plus the money they have put into it is a primary concern. If her mom knew what was going on, the pressure not to get married from her may convince her to not go through with it.

    i don't know if you read what I said on the other post but I too had a miserable first marriage due to loneliness and paid for it myself which might have pushed me over the edge to go through with it.
    GoiMTvP.gif
  • petrocs
    petrocs Posts: 4,342
    Thats the best thing you could've done for her bro. I am proud of you. I did something similar a few months ago but in the end I DID lay the fucker out and I have to admit...it felt really good :)
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  • justam
    justam Posts: 21,415
    The situation you describe sounds like a growing mud storm...remind her that it's harder to get out of a marriage afterwards than to cancel it ahead of time!!!
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • sherm
    sherm Seattle, Wa Posts: 708
    It seems to me that you did the right thing. I hope your friend wakes up before its too late, at least you know that you didn't just sit back and watch your friend make a terrible decision without speaking up and trying to help her open her eyes.
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  • mammasan
    mammasan Posts: 5,656
    Black Diamond wrote:
    Friends like you are very hard to find. I commend you on the Chutzpah and dedication to your friend. There are too few of you out there.

    Have you considered having a conversation with her family. This might be pushing the bounds a little bit but it sounds like the pressure from the family plus the money they have put into it is a primary concern. If her mom knew what was going on, the pressure not to get married from her may convince her to not go through with it.

    i don't know if you read what I said on the other post but I too had a miserable first marriage due to loneliness and paid for it myself which might have pushed me over the edge to go through with it.

    Unfortunetly her mother passed a few years ago and I don't feel comfortable going behind her back and talking to her father. I am certain that if her father knew how she was being treat he would kill this guy. He is not a man you would want to cross, even at the age of 34 I am still shit scared of the guy. I feel that I said what needed to be said and laid it out plan as day for her fiance and even though I'm not a violent person I will follow through on my promise to him. I guess the best I can do now is hope that she realizes the mistake she is about to make before it is too late.

    I did read your post and unfortunetely it is a too common occurance in this day and age when it comes to marriage. Society has drilled it into, women predominately, that they have to get marriage by a certain age. When that age comes and goes women, and many men as well, settle for the first available person. hell one of my older brother's did it and now he is paying out the ass in alimony.

    Well one thing is for sure, I'm probably not going to be invited to the bachelor party next weekend.
    "When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads." - Ron Paul
  • mammasan
    mammasan Posts: 5,656
    petrocs wrote:
    Thats the best thing you could've done for her bro. I am proud of you. I did something similar a few months ago but in the end I DID lay the fucker out and I have to admit...it felt really good :)

    I have strange feeling that things between him and I will end up coming to blows.
    "When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads." - Ron Paul
  • pjsteelerfan
    pjsteelerfan Maryland Posts: 9,905
    You did the right thing approaching him, my sister went though the same thing, verbal abuse is just the begining.
    ...got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul...
  • saveuplife
    saveuplife Posts: 1,173
    mammasan wrote:
    I have strange feeling that things between him and I will end up coming to blows.


    Dude, good work. You are a great friend.

    My advice, at this point, you let your friend know your stance. You don't need to do anything further. It's time for your friend to make up her own mind. Hopefully, she'll choose correctly. But, you can't make this choice for her.... it's her life.
  • lalalalaaaaaaaa
    lalalalaaaaaaaa Posts: 2,445
    saveuplife wrote:
    Dude, good work. You are a great friend.

    My advice, at this point, you let your friend know your stance. You don't need to do anything further. It's time for your friend to make up her own mind. Hopefully, she'll choose correctly. But, you can't make this choice for her.... it's her life.
    Agreed.

    As a friend, you did the right thing...but you ultimately have little influence over any of this. Don't bank on a 20-year friendship to overrule a marriage. No matter how much of a jerk this dewd is, he's right: their relationship doesn't include you. It's between him and her. Be prepared to be cut off if you mess with that. It could definitely happen, regardless of how close your friendship is.
  • dunkman
    dunkman Posts: 19,646
    TrixieCat wrote:
    You are my fucking hero.
    You are the benchmark of what a true friend is.


    i think you'll find i'm your true fucking hero.. but i'm a shit friend... ;)


    Mammasan, well done on confronting this guy... although if he had done the 'smirk' at me i would have lamped him... i hate smirkers... but anyway... you did yourself and your friend proud :)
    oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
  • The Champ
    The Champ Posts: 4,063
    Good work and just out of curiosity, did you ever sleep with this chick?
    'I want to hurry home to you
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  • eyedclaar
    eyedclaar Posts: 6,980
    dunkman wrote:
    i think you'll find i'm your true fucking hero.. but i'm a shit friend... ;)


    Mammasan, well done on confronting this guy... although if he had done the 'smirk' at me i would have lamped him... i hate smirkers... but anyway... you did yourself and your friend proud :)


    haha. You beat me to it except I was going to say - if there's anything a person needs wiped off their face, it's a douchebag smirk.
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  • chadwick
    chadwick up my ass Posts: 21,157
    good for you dude.
    but wouldn't it have been a thrill to bust his dumb lip open for him?
    a little blood doesn't hurt.
    the guy is a jerk off and a pussy for verbally abusing your friend.
    guys that do that shit to women are strait up pussies.
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  • mammasan
    mammasan Posts: 5,656
    The Champ wrote:
    Good work and just out of curiosity, did you ever sleep with this chick?

    Never have. We met my senior year, her junior year, in high school. I met her at a party. My best friend was looking to hook up with her friend. I was an excellent wingman, my best friend even joked about my wingman skills during a toast he gave at my wedding. So I was given the assignment that evening of keeping this girl's friend busy. Well it happened to be Chiara. We bullshitted the night away. At the time we probably would have hooked up but we're both dating someone at the time. It just developed into a very close friendship. She is probably the only true plutonic female friend that I have. I have other female friends, but if any of them wanted to fuck around and if I was single I would do it in a heart beat.
    "When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads." - Ron Paul
  • mammasan
    mammasan Posts: 5,656
    dunkman wrote:
    i think you'll find i'm your true fucking hero.. but i'm a shit friend... ;)


    Mammasan, well done on confronting this guy... although if he had done the 'smirk' at me i would have lamped him... i hate smirkers... but anyway... you did yourself and your friend proud :)

    If it wasn't for the fact that my friend has enough shit on her plate I would have laid that bitch out when he smirked at me.
    "When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads." - Ron Paul

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