How do you get over a death in the family?

Yellow Ledbelly · October 2008

failedpersephone wrote:

I am trying to fill the empty pit with memories but, don't you think others will get tired of hearing about them?

Lean on the folks you know care about you the most and you should always have their ears. Following the death of my friend's grandma we sat and talked for hours and hours on many occasions. She told me the same stories and things she had already told me 100 times, but at that point it wasn't about me being tired of hearing the same old stories...it was about being there for her

Black Diamond · October 2008

failedpersephone wrote:

I want to thank everyone here for the very kind words. I didnt intend for this to be a "lift up FP" kind of thread, but I appreciate it all just the same.

I really do appreciate the suggestions for moving on and especially taking my time with it.

I know that I have mentioned him many times on this board, and after avoiding most contact with other people (in "real" life and pretty much everywhere), I thought that posting this question here may lead me towards some sort of solution.

I was not raised to be a "pity me" type person (I realize now that I also was not given many natural tools to deal with grief in general) so, just feeling sad like this seems like I am being "drama" It also makes me feel guilty for turning his death into something about "me"

My mother died when I was 19, and I leaned on my father heavily to get through that. I had a year of floundering (even with his influence) I am not ashamed of anything I did during that phase of my life, but I did change my life path drastically during that phase. Focusing on WHO I am instead of HOW I am perceived...that is the one main encouragement my father gave me.

I am also a little afraid of becoming tiresome. All I really want to talk about is my Dad. I have no real interest in anything else. I am polite, and I listen to others - but at the back of my head I am really just listening for my Dad's voice in there (I used to joke with him that he was my Jiminy Cricket) to help me figure out what is going on with their story/problem. It's more than just a lack of focus.

I just hate this. I feel so weak and needy. I was late to work because i couldn't put his coffee cup down, and I couldn't use it either. I hate leaving my house and having to lock the door. I never did that - because my Dad was always there in the morning.

I am trying to fill the empty pit with memories but, don't you think others will get tired of hearing about them?

If they are good friends, nope! Hey was your FATHER! And the fact that your mother has passed on it makes it factorials worse.

Being a father now I realize how your actions affect your kids so much! They rely on everything from morals to clothes from you. It is a tremendous responsibility. Your father must have been an amazing person for you to be having these emotions. That should make you feel better than you had one of the good ones!

What about him set him apart? ( I wanna hear about him)

For me my dad had to go on the road every weekend in the winter for work! He would always take me. Regardless of how boring the work, we were always together, listening to music on the radio (where my love for it came) and just shooting the breeze. He always made me feel that he wanted to spend every minute of his life with me. I miss him terribly.

saveuplife · October 2008

failedpersephone wrote:

I want to thank everyone here for the very kind words. I didnt intend for this to be a "lift up FP" kind of thread, but I appreciate it all just the same.

I really do appreciate the suggestions for moving on and especially taking my time with it.

I know that I have mentioned him many times on this board, and after avoiding most contact with other people (in "real" life and pretty much everywhere), I thought that posting this question here may lead me towards some sort of solution.

I was not raised to be a "pity me" type person (I realize now that I also was not given many natural tools to deal with grief in general) so, just feeling sad like this seems like I am being "drama" It also makes me feel guilty for turning his death into something about "me"

My mother died when I was 19, and I leaned on my father heavily to get through that. I had a year of floundering (even with his influence) I am not ashamed of anything I did during that phase of my life, but I did change my life path drastically during that phase. Focusing on WHO I am instead of HOW I am perceived...that is the one main encouragement my father gave me.

I am also a little afraid of becoming tiresome. All I really want to talk about is my Dad. I have no real interest in anything else. I am polite, and I listen to others - but at the back of my head I am really just listening for my Dad's voice in there (I used to joke with him that he was my Jiminy Cricket) to help me figure out what is going on with their story/problem. It's more than just a lack of focus.

I just hate this. I feel so weak and needy. I was late to work because i couldn't put his coffee cup down, and I couldn't use it either. I hate leaving my house and having to lock the door. I never did that - because my Dad was always there in the morning.

I am trying to fill the empty pit with memories but, don't you think others will get tired of hearing about them?

Like I said before, I really can't identify with exactly how you feel. However, I can say I broke off an engagement with a girl because she was cheating after I dated her for 7 years. I never spoke to her again, seemed like death to me. But obviously, that's not death and is nowhere near the amount of trama you are experiencing. But, it's the only thing that I can compare to it. The reason I mention this is due to your last sentence.... you asked:

I am trying to fill the empty pit with memories but, don't you think others will get tired of hearing about them?

I think the answer to this is yes. People will "eventually" tire of hearing about this. That said, you don't need to always use "people" to vent to. Maybe you should consider getting a journal. I did that when I broke up with my ex. I worked great because I could vent all I wanted and I wasn't bothering people. Sometimes it feels good just to get that stuff out. Maybe a psychologist would be another option... obviously you aren't abnormally mentally... but they are good people to vent to and they can help you handle stuff like this.

In a way, you are already doing a good job venting. You are doing it here. People won't tire of a fellow jammer who's a down for obvious reasons. Hang in there. You will feel better eventually. Your dad wouldn't want you to get too hung up on this. He'd most likely want you to morn (to get it out) but also to keep on moving.

chadwick · October 2008

failedpersephone wrote:

I want to thank everyone here for the very kind words. I didnt intend for this to be a "lift up FP" kind of thread, but I appreciate it all just the same.

I really do appreciate the suggestions for moving on and especially taking my time with it.

I know that I have mentioned him many times on this board, and after avoiding most contact with other people (in "real" life and pretty much everywhere), I thought that posting this question here may lead me towards some sort of solution.

I was not raised to be a "pity me" type person (I realize now that I also was not given many natural tools to deal with grief in general) so, just feeling sad like this seems like I am being "drama" It also makes me feel guilty for turning his death into something about "me"

My mother died when I was 19, and I leaned on my father heavily to get through that. I had a year of floundering (even with his influence) I am not ashamed of anything I did during that phase of my life, but I did change my life path drastically during that phase. Focusing on WHO I am instead of HOW I am perceived...that is the one main encouragement my father gave me.

I am also a little afraid of becoming tiresome. All I really want to talk about is my Dad. I have no real interest in anything else. I am polite, and I listen to others - but at the back of my head I am really just listening for my Dad's voice in there (I used to joke with him that he was my Jiminy Cricket) to help me figure out what is going on with their story/problem. It's more than just a lack of focus.

I just hate this. I feel so weak and needy. I was late to work because i couldn't put his coffee cup down, and I couldn't use it either. I hate leaving my house and having to lock the door. I never did that - because my Dad was always there in the morning.

I am trying to fill the empty pit with memories but, don't you think others will get tired of hearing about them?

Jiminy Cricket is awesome.
I so loved that dude when I was a little shit.
I'm at school and don't have audio around here or I'd be sending you a Jiminy Cricket youtube link.

Your close family and friends will understand you wanna talk about your dad alot.
I understand the coffee cup bit you mentioned.
I went through the same kinda thing.
get rid of dad's toothbruth? no way.
that fucker musta sat by his bathroom sink for 6-8months.

failedpersephone · October 2008

Black Diamond wrote:

If they are good friends, nope! Hey was your FATHER! And the fact that your mother has passed on it makes it factorials worse.

Being a father now I realize how your actions affect your kids so much! They rely on everything from morals to clothes from you. It is a tremendous responsibility. Your father must have been an amazing person for you to be having these emotions. That should make you feel better than you had one of the good ones!

What about him set him apart? ( I wanna hear about him)

For me my dad had to go on the road every weekend in the winter for work! He would always take me. Regardless of how boring the work, we were always together, listening to music on the radio (where my love for it came) and just shooting the breeze. He always made me feel that he wanted to spend every minute of his life with me. I miss him terribly.

Thank you. Making you feel like there was nothing more important or better than spending time with you - that is the essence of parenting (I think, but do not know as i have no children)

My Dad was a funny, hip and opinionated man! he liked music, and used to play spanish guitar - he would listen to the music that I liked, and when I was young - *Pearl Jam story* He learned how to play "Black" (on his 12 string acoustic) for my birthday. After that, he started to learn some of their other songs - and then learned some of the Chili Peppers! hahaa (he would sing "give it away now!" with a flamenco edge...)

He once was staying with me during the day and i was watching Alice in Chains "unplugged" - he got his guitar (he gave it to me after he lost one of his fingers about 3 years ago while working) and started to try to play along. My dad was in his late 70's...and there he was trying to play "Got Me Wrong" with a missing finger.

two days later - he could play it completely. hahaa...he called himself "Jerry Garcia" because of the missing fingertip thing.

My dad would listen to some amazing music for someone his age - The Jesus & Mary Chain, Pearl Jam (of course) Alice In Chains, MUDHONEY!!! and the grateful dead, the eagles, "old" country, REM, the White Stripes, and Mark Lanegan on the ipod I got him for his birthday 2 years ago - he couldn't figure out how to put music on it - but damned if he didn't know how to create a playlist! hahaaa Mark Lanegan was a particular favorite of his...I recently got him some (more) Steve Turner - for his ipod, he loved "Steve Turner & his Bad Ideas"

my dad wanted us to play music at his wake - and he said "don't forget to include the Stones" when he told us what he wanted (he told us years before it was necessary)

"Death is part of the process, beginning and end...who's tracking where your soul is?"

I really want to believe that right now, but it is just right past where I can seem to mentally reach.

Black Diamond · October 2008

failedpersephone wrote:

Thank you. Making you feel like there was nothing more important or better than spending time with you - that is the essence of parenting (I think, but do not know as i have no children)

My Dad was a funny, hip and opinionated man! he liked music, and used to play spanish guitar - he would listen to the music that I liked, and when I was young - *Pearl Jam story* He learned how to play "Black" (on his 12 string acoustic) for my birthday. After that, he started to learn some of their other songs - and then learned some of the Chili Peppers! hahaa (he would sing "give it away now!" with a flamenco edge...)

He once was staying with me during the day and i was watching Alice in Chains "unplugged" - he got his guitar (he gave it to me after he lost one of his fingers about 3 years ago while working) and started to try to play along. My dad was in his late 70's...and there he was trying to play "Got Me Wrong" with a missing finger.

two days later - he could play it completely. hahaa...he called himself "Jerry Garcia" because of the missing fingertip thing.

My dad would listen to some amazing music for someone his age - The Jesus & Mary Chain, Pearl Jam (of course) Alice In Chains, MUDHONEY!!! and the grateful dead, the eagles, "old" country, REM, the White Stripes, and Mark Lanegan on the ipod I got him for his birthday 2 years ago - he couldn't figure out how to put music on it - but damned if he didn't know how to create a playlist! hahaaa Mark Lanegan was a particular favorite of his...I recently got him some (more) Steve Turner - for his ipod, he loved "Steve Turner & his Bad Ideas"

my dad wanted us to play music at his wake - and he said "don't forget to include the Stones" when he told us what he wanted (he told us years before it was necessary)

"Death is part of the process, beginning and end...who's tracking where your soul is?"

I really want to believe that right now, but it is just right past where I can seem to mentally reach.

Wow. wow. wow. What an amazing guy!! The fact the he took the time to find out what makes you happy and to learn about your musical tastes is such a terrific attribute. (My mom has become a huge Bob Marley fan (if you saw it you would laugh your head off).

Did he record any of this music for you? You sould take care and keep everything you can that reminds you of him. My dad died a long long time ago and he had gone through a divorce and a brief marriage to someone else. I only have two pictures to remind me of him! Well that and my oldest is a dead ringer for him! That is the best when I look in his eyes, I see my dad.

My dad was not a musician, but he paid close attention to me and what I liked. He was the first one to go out and buy me Kiss albums (while other parents were forbidding their kids to play that devil music). In fact he took me to see them at MSG (That is where the Black Diamond screen name comes from).

mkcaps · October 2008

You never 'get over it'.
You expect your parents, or grandparents to die, but if you lose a child, that is the worst..

Brain of J.Lo · October 2008

It's really not selfish to miss your dad. I feel like that a lot. I even feel a little jealous sometimes of my husband, who still has both of his parents. I'm a little jealous sometimes when I see my daughter with my father-in-law, and I think about how my dad never got to have that time with her. But I don't think that's selfish.

You will reach a point where things start to feel normal again, and you can find the same amount of happiness and joy in the little things and big things. It takes a while, and it's not something you can force. You will come to terms with the fact that, while there is something missing in your life, there is still a lot of good there and there is more good to come.

I'm sorry for your loss. :(

pearljamgirl07 · October 2008

radiohead33 wrote:

your really dont get over it. you just learn to deal with it

agree , sorry to hear about your loss:(

polaris · October 2008

what is it that you have to get over? ... are you mentally and/or physically debilatated now? ... i mean are you not eating, drinking, can't think clearly - what is it that makes you having to "get over it"?

if it's just sadness or missing him - well, the only thing you can do there is to experience it fully ... take in the sadness and see what it is truly that causes the grief ...

from what i gather - your dad was a positive person and i'm pretty sure that if he's looking over you now - he wouldn't want you to be down all the time ... he would want you to be happy and to live the life you want because that would make him feel good about not being there ... anyone who wants music played at their wake is probably more inclined to see smiles rather than tears ...

Rhinocerous Surprise · October 2008

failedpersephone wrote:

Thank you. Making you feel like there was nothing more important or better than spending time with you - that is the essence of parenting (I think, but do not know as i have no children)

My Dad was a funny, hip and opinionated man! he liked music, and used to play spanish guitar - he would listen to the music that I liked, and when I was young - *Pearl Jam story* He learned how to play "Black" (on his 12 string acoustic) for my birthday. After that, he started to learn some of their other songs - and then learned some of the Chili Peppers! hahaa (he would sing "give it away now!" with a flamenco edge...)

He once was staying with me during the day and i was watching Alice in Chains "unplugged" - he got his guitar (he gave it to me after he lost one of his fingers about 3 years ago while working) and started to try to play along. My dad was in his late 70's...and there he was trying to play "Got Me Wrong" with a missing finger.

two days later - he could play it completely. hahaa...he called himself "Jerry Garcia" because of the missing fingertip thing.

My dad would listen to some amazing music for someone his age - The Jesus & Mary Chain, Pearl Jam (of course) Alice In Chains, MUDHONEY!!! and the grateful dead, the eagles, "old" country, REM, the White Stripes, and Mark Lanegan on the ipod I got him for his birthday 2 years ago - he couldn't figure out how to put music on it - but damned if he didn't know how to create a playlist! hahaaa Mark Lanegan was a particular favorite of his...I recently got him some (more) Steve Turner - for his ipod, he loved "Steve Turner & his Bad Ideas"

my dad wanted us to play music at his wake - and he said "don't forget to include the Stones" when he told us what he wanted (he told us years before it was necessary)

"Death is part of the process, beginning and end...who's tracking where your soul is?"

I really want to believe that right now, but it is just right past where I can seem to mentally reach.

Funny, hip, opinionated... I see where you get it from, then.

Sounds like your dad was an awesome guy, FP. If you ever need someone to just unload stories on, my pm box is always open.

dawng · October 2008

radiohead33 wrote:

your really dont get over it. you just learn to deal with it

this is so true. It's been over 20 years since my dad and brother died about a year apart...and time is really the only thing that heals. I can now think and talk about them without crying - but it took a very, very long time.

so sorry for your loss :(

CROJAM95 · October 2008

failedpersephone wrote:

I am curious, if you have had a death in the family, how do you "move on" ??

I keep getting told that I need to move on, and (the worse thing anyone can ever say) that he lived a "full life" but, that doesn't help. I know it is selfish to feel like this but my father was a very important part of my life. I feel selfish, like its all about me - but I can't really help the way I feel.

life is just less good, now. can't even try to care anymore...it seems strange that some one who was so full of life and just such a great force of life could be extinguished in such a mundane slowly leaking way.

sorry - I hope this isn't a "downer" and normally I do not come here and "vent" but I just don't understand how the mendacity doesn't just deal you all out.

how to move on...that is the question.

I lost my Dad last year(10 months to be exact from yesterday) and he was everything to me.I respected him for his sacrifices as well as his love.He died at 55, after being diagnosed with cancer 6 months earlier.I still kinda feel it isn't real, even though at times its Very real to me.Your Dad sounds a lot like mine.Early after he passed I kept to myself a bit more than usual...that isnt the way to go.Try to be what your father wanted you to be, mine always wanted me to happy.Like I said earlier, its not easy...what other choice do we really have.

I could sound off a bunch more, if you want to get stuff off your chest...feel free to drop a PM. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss,and hope you find peace in your heart. I'm tryin everyday

PJaddicted · October 2008

First things first (((((hugs)))))) to you. I am so sorry for your loss.

Now....speaking from experience....you don't ever get over the death of a close loved one-period. So don't try to do anything about the grief and pain, you must go though each stage of it in order to heal, there are no short cuts or time tables, for each person it is different. You will learn to live with the pain and missing, that could take a year, two, three....you won't know until you get there, for me it was eighteen really miserable depressed months, and then in another six months and I felt normal again, like I could breath and that the sun was shining on me again. Those that tell you any different have not lost a CLOSE loved one and do not know just how life changing and painful that kind of loss is. I had someone tell me that they knew what kind of pain I was in after my father suddenly died, because they had just divorced....sorry your X is still alive....I will never again see my father in the flesh on this earth and I never got to say goodbye...there is a HUGE DIFFERENCE. Best advice I can give you is good self care, healthy food, exercise, sleep, see some close friends who love and understand you that you can talk to, and be sure to spend time everyday doing things you love....for me it is getting out in nature. Joining a bereavement group is a good idea as is getting counciling if you have no one to talk to. One thing that really helped pull me back in to life like nothing else was getting a puppy. He made me live in the moment and enjoy life again.

If you need to talk, please PM me.

oxc

Jeremys Spoken · October 2008

It gets easier. Just surround yourself with the things you love, and enjoy the most. Keep yourself busy.

How do you get over a death in the family?

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