How do you get over a death in the family?
failedpersephone
Posts: 3,424
I am curious, if you have had a death in the family, how do you "move on" ??
I keep getting told that I need to move on, and (the worse thing anyone can ever say) that he lived a "full life" but, that doesn't help. I know it is selfish to feel like this but my father was a very important part of my life. I feel selfish, like its all about me - but I can't really help the way I feel.
life is just less good, now. can't even try to care anymore...it seems strange that some one who was so full of life and just such a great force of life could be extinguished in such a mundane slowly leaking way.
sorry - I hope this isn't a "downer" and normally I do not come here and "vent" but I just don't understand how the mendacity doesn't just deal you all out.
how to move on...that is the question.
I keep getting told that I need to move on, and (the worse thing anyone can ever say) that he lived a "full life" but, that doesn't help. I know it is selfish to feel like this but my father was a very important part of my life. I feel selfish, like its all about me - but I can't really help the way I feel.
life is just less good, now. can't even try to care anymore...it seems strange that some one who was so full of life and just such a great force of life could be extinguished in such a mundane slowly leaking way.
sorry - I hope this isn't a "downer" and normally I do not come here and "vent" but I just don't understand how the mendacity doesn't just deal you all out.
how to move on...that is the question.
IF YOU WANT A PLATE OF MY BEEF SWELLINGTON, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY THE COVERCHARGE.
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Sorry for your loss. I don't think you ever really move on and get over it. It will always be there. But your life does go on, so you are forced into it. Time makes it better. The less fresh.... the less hurtful.
I've lost a few people and the only way I can not be upset about it, is not to think about it. I hope things feel better for you.
just look back at the good times you spent with him. he wouldnt want you to be sad.
hope everything gets better
Once I get out of this town
9/29/04;6/27/08;6/30/08;8/23/09;08/24/09;5/17/10
day by day, that's how i got on after my dad died. i still think about him every single day, but the thoughts changed from missing him so much to laughing about all the great times we had together. i know he wouldn't want me sulking around, feeling like shit all the time. no, he was more like "yeah, i'm gone. i understand you're upset, but it's time to get on with things. remember our past, but don't dwell on my death."
best advice i can give you: think of things associated with your dad that make you laugh. it takes time to get out of the rut, but it'll happen. and if i may offer one quote i thought of a lot after my dad died:
And the wind keeps rolling, and the sky keeps turning grey.
And the sun is setting, the sun will rise another day.
~D.K.S.
Instead of reminding myself that I'll never see him with my eyes open again... I feel the calm of carrying him in my heart... and know I can see him anytime... by closing my eyes
There is no particular process for doing this... and I know that it can feel like it will never get easier... but it will. One day you'll wake up and his loss won't be the first thing you feel... that will be the beginning of this 'moving on' and you will do it when you are ready...
she lets go
"When youre caught in pain
And you feel the rain come down
Its all right
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
Its all right
Though your gardens grey
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In the sweet sunshower"
This is great advice!
Sorry for your failedpersephoneailed :(
My dad died when I was 15 (27 years ago) and I think of him often and even more so today because I have 3 kids and it is such a shame that they can't meet him or that he couldn't enjoy their wonderful personalities.
But I am doing something to make his memory a better one. Quitting the thing that killed him, so that my kids are not here at some point writing about me this way.
Deal with it in your own way. There are no two ways of dealing with a loss of a parent. Yours is the best way for you.
I have not lost a family member of my own but I have been thru the loss of my father in law (not the same I know) but thru that and watching my husband NOT deal with it and stuff it...I can say that u should take ALL the time you need, don't let others tell you when ur heart should be moving on...only you'll know when it's time. As others have said, there will come a time when the memories overshadow the loss and you will be able to laugh or smile when thinking of him not feel such overwhelming sorrow as you do now. I wish you all the best in this long healing process (because that's all that can happen, you can heal but never truly forget the loss). Just remember not to push him away from your thoughts, let the memory of him be a comfort to you. My husband denied the pain and didn't allow himself any time to heal...this ate away at him for years and was one of the things that changed who he was. Just take your time and feel what you feel...one day what you feel will be a little better then the day before.
And remember we're all here for you!:)
the funny thing is, I can hear him talkin' trash to me for crying like a wimp over this.
Thanks to everyone for their answers...I know it takes time - it's been about 6 weeks, and it still feels fresh.
I used to see him everyday, he would come over to my house to take care of stuff (since he had retired, he hadn't stopped working) every morning I would make coffee for him, and we would talk before I left for work...it seems that everywhere I look my Dad has left his mark and i am terrified that i am going to wash it off or something.
like he doesn't have very much in terms of lasting monuments - it seems really stupid, I know that - but I cant even change any of the plants around because my dad left them like that...
I wish I could handle this better...I feel like I am a huge disappointment to him...crying like a freakin' baby over this - he raised me to be tougher than this.
My other family members are not talking to me because I sort of exploded (anger issues, I guess) when during the wake at least half of the people there were talking about how "well, he is in a better place now" and "he's joined his wife now" It sounded like such a resigned "oh WELL" kind of statement.
That's probably not helpful, but then, I also believe everyone's process is there own. Give yourself the time to experience whatever may come up. That's all I've got.
When my grandparents both died (within a few days of each other) I was heart-broken. It really turned my whole world upside down because they were the best and most loving part of my family.
They appeared in my dreams for a long time. After the first year, they started appearing less frequently, and after two or three years, I didn't feel quite so unsettled. It mostly just took time, but when I think of them now, I still miss them.
Sorry to say the same old thing you've probably already heard about time.
The first thing I tell anyone who has lost someone is that you have to do what you have to do to feel better. Especially initially. If you have to cry, do it. No one can tell you how to grieve.
My dad died eight years ago. I think about him most days - holidays and special events are a little hard - but when I do think of him I think of the good things. And I think about what he would say when I spend money on stuff I don't need. :rolleyes:
You've gotta let yourself deal with it in the way you know how. Your family can't do that, and you can't let them rob you of the grieving process.
But don't worry, it will be better soon.
kevinbeetle: "Yes. When her career washes up and her and Gavin move to Galveston, you will meet her at Hot Topic shopping for a Japanese cheerleader outfit.
Next!"
I feel like I am disconnected to what I used to feel instinctively. I feel too connected to "real time" and I am unable to think in terms of life cycles, and continuity of spirits and all of the stuff that I firmly believe in...
Nothing is wrong with crying. It doesn't make you weak or a baby. It's a natural, healthy part of grieving. You lost someone you loved. It's normal to cry. And if you don't cry and you stuff it all down, it's going to cause you problems down the road, trust me.
There's no set road to grief, or one way to get through it. Everyone does it at their own pace, in different stages. Sometimes you go through a stage more than once. If it's been only 6 weeks and people are telling you to "get over it and move on", I think that's very callous of those people. You lost a parent, and you need to take all the time you need to work through the grief. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for grieving.
I lost one of my best friends 6 1/2 years ago, and it took 5 years before I could think about her without feeling rage (not at her, at life), deep sadness and regret. It's hard, but it does eventually get better.
I found a book that helped me: "How To Survive The Loss Of A Love" by Melba Colgrove. I'd recommend it.
and i don't think we should feel bad for it.
much love to you.
R.i.p. My Dad - May 28, 2007
R.i.p. Black Tail (cat) - Sept. 20, 2008
http://www.sharenj.org/news%20and%20resources/press%20releases/2008/heroact.pdf
My advice is to live your life the way that would make your dad proud that is your way of connecting to his spirit and also celebrating and honoring his life. Take care and let me know if you ever need someone to talk to
9/24/96 MD. 9/28/96 Randalls. 8/28-29/98 Camden. 9/8/98 NJ. 9/18/98 MD. 9/1-2/00 Camden. 9/4/00 MD. 4/28/03 Philly. 7/5-6/03 Camden. 9/30/05 AC.
10/3/05 Philly. 5/27-28/06 Camden. 6/23/06 Pitt. 6/19-20/08 Camden. 6/24/08 MSG. 8/7/08 EV Newark, NJ. 6/11-12/09 EV Philly, PA. 10/27-28-30-31/09 Philly, PA., 5/15/10 Hartford,5/17/10 Boston, 5/18/10 Newark, 5/20-21/10 MSG
i think your dad won't be happy seeing you so down...i also lost my father almost 5 years ago, he was diabetic and he died of complications from it...for me, it was much better for him to pass on rather than to continue living in the condition he was in (being in the hospital for almost two months and seeing your loved one suffer is very painful)...just think that your father is in a better place right now...and like i said, he will not be happy seeing you this way...
apparently, 07162056 is THE date...
EV- 08/09,10/2008.06/08,09/2009
sometimes its hard, when you see granddaughters and grandfathers together... makes you remember all the good times and that you'll never get them back. Sometimes I can talk about him just fine, other times I break down in tears with even a tiny thought or something that reminds me of him
even though he was 70 when he died he was in such great health until the cancer came, and i felt like i was being robbed in a way. he was so close to seeing me graduate high school (for him I was the grandkid that was going to actually do something and get some sort of degree - as mean as that sounds but the graduation thing would have meant a lot to him since he grew up on a farm and didnt have that opportunity).
these are parts of life, but things you'll never really get over I don't think.
and i don't think it helps to block out things, because then you forget things, and what good does that do? you'll forget all the great times and then what's left of them and how they were a part of this world?
Friends and family help. And thinking about him. You're incredibly lucky to have had a father who was your hero. And you'll always have that.
I'm trying to make myself remember all this because my mother passed away in February. And it sucks sucks sucks again and I miss her so much, but I realize how lucky I was to have her as a mother.
Trust me, I still cry. But having gone through it before, I know things get better. You might not see it now, but they do. Good luck, take care, if you want to vent, feel free to PM me.
it is such a devastating loss and you never truly get over it, or move on...you just keep living. my father died 16 years ago, 4 months before my wedding, and a day does not pass that i still don't think of him and miss him. we were SO close and i have always admired him greatly. i will always carry him in my heart. being the youngest child of older parents, who both happened to be the youngest children in their respective families...means i had no grandparents, have had many deaths in my family.....but the only death to truly wound me was my father's. his sister, my favorite aunt...was difficult, but nothing like my dad.
grieve and feel however you need. there is no right or wrong. all the best to you!
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
This year is the 10th anniversary of my Dads death. He died very suddenly at age 54. I was completely devistated at the time. I didn't know how I was going to live the rest of my life without him as I wasn't that close to anyone else in my family.
The best advice I can give you is to take it one day at a time. For me the first little while it was more like one hour at a time, but eventually I learned to cope and to move on. I still think about my dad to this day...a lot actually. Sometimes I even still cry. Please don't bottle it up or avoid it with work or school. I buried myself in work and school (I was 23 when my dad passed) and it came back to bite me in the ass later and I ended up in a very dark place I hope to never EVER return to again. It will take a lot of time, but eventually you do start to feel normal again. I promise you.
Someone spoke of Sunshower...that song was a huge comfort to me in my darkest times...and also Long Road.
Once I made the decision to not let my insecurities, sadness and grief get the better of me I started listening to U2's All That You Can't Leave Behind album...esp Stuck in a Moment and Walk On and found the strength I needed to pick myself up and say ok I want to LIVE my life again...and that its OK to feel weak and in pain...but you can't let it destroy you.. "Well I know it aches, your heart it breaks, you can only take so much....walk on" was a VERY powerful line and I used that as my rallying cry when I felt my sadness taking over. As time went by it took over less and less. I started seeing things more clearly and FINALLY came to the final stage of my grieving..acceptance.
My point is...we all deal with grief differently...some people can fly through the stages of grieving while some of us take years to go through them...but eventually we all get there. If possible...let yourself cry, let yourself open up to someone (or a therapist) about how you're feeling...and most importantly LIVE your life the same way you would if your father was still here. Don't let his death stop you from doing anything you really want to do. I don't believe he would be happy knowing that after he left you stopped living too. Being the best YOU, you can be is the best way you can honour your father and the best way to move on.
Good luck to you and I hope some of my insomniac rambling made sense and is of some help to you.