How do you get over a death in the family?

failedpersephone · October 2008

I am curious, if you have had a death in the family, how do you "move on" ??

I keep getting told that I need to move on, and (the worse thing anyone can ever say) that he lived a "full life" but, that doesn't help. I know it is selfish to feel like this but my father was a very important part of my life. I feel selfish, like its all about me - but I can't really help the way I feel.

life is just less good, now. can't even try to care anymore...it seems strange that some one who was so full of life and just such a great force of life could be extinguished in such a mundane slowly leaking way.

sorry - I hope this isn't a "downer" and normally I do not come here and "vent" but I just don't understand how the mendacity doesn't just deal you all out.

how to move on...that is the question.

WildChildRose · October 2008

failedpersephone wrote:

I am curious, if you have had a death in the family, how do you "move on" ??

I keep getting told that I need to move on, and (the worse thing anyone can ever say) that he lived a "full life" but, that doesn't help. I know it is selfish to feel like this but my father was a very important part of my life. I feel selfish, like its all about me - but I can't really help the way I feel.

life is just less good, now. can't even try to care anymore...it seems strange that some one who was so full of life and just such a great force of life could be extinguished in such a mundane slowly leaking way.

sorry - I hope this isn't a "downer" and normally I do not come here and "vent" but I just don't understand how the mendacity doesn't just deal you all out.

how to move on...that is the question.

Sorry for your loss. I don't think you ever really move on and get over it. It will always be there. But your life does go on, so you are forced into it. Time makes it better. The less fresh.... the less hurtful.
I've lost a few people and the only way I can not be upset about it, is not to think about it. I hope things feel better for you.

Drop The Leash 10 · October 2008

im very sorry auntie!!!

just look back at the good times you spent with him. he wouldnt want you to be sad.

hope everything gets better

BetterThanYou · October 2008

failedpersephone wrote:

I am curious, if you have had a death in the family, how do you "move on" ??

I keep getting told that I need to move on, and (the worse thing anyone can ever say) that he lived a "full life" but, that doesn't help. I know it is selfish to feel like this but my father was a very important part of my life. I feel selfish, like its all about me - but I can't really help the way I feel.

life is just less good, now. can't even try to care anymore...it seems strange that some one who was so full of life and just such a great force of life could be extinguished in such a mundane slowly leaking way.

sorry - I hope this isn't a "downer" and normally I do not come here and "vent" but I just don't understand how the mendacity doesn't just deal you all out.

how to move on...that is the question.

day by day, that's how i got on after my dad died. i still think about him every single day, but the thoughts changed from missing him so much to laughing about all the great times we had together. i know he wouldn't want me sulking around, feeling like shit all the time. no, he was more like "yeah, i'm gone. i understand you're upset, but it's time to get on with things. remember our past, but don't dwell on my death."

best advice i can give you: think of things associated with your dad that make you laugh. it takes time to get out of the rut, but it'll happen. and if i may offer one quote i thought of a lot after my dad died:

And the wind keeps rolling, and the sky keeps turning grey.
And the sun is setting, the sun will rise another day.

jamainiac · October 2008

December 27th will mark the 2nd anniversary of my Dad's passing. I still miss him just as much as I did the day he died... but I miss him in a very different way. Instead of feeling heavy and lonesome in my heart when I think of him, I feel a wonderful warmth.

Instead of reminding myself that I'll never see him with my eyes open again... I feel the calm of carrying him in my heart... and know I can see him anytime... by closing my eyes

and I take the opportunity often!!

There is no particular process for doing this... and I know that it can feel like it will never get easier... but it will. One day you'll wake up and his loss won't be the first thing you feel... that will be the beginning of this 'moving on' and you will do it when you are ready...

Rhinocerous Surprise · October 2008

I don't really have any advice worth giving, but I just wanted to say sorry for your loss, FP.

"When youre caught in pain
And you feel the rain come down
Its all right
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
Its all right
Though your gardens grey
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In the sweet sunshower"

Hawkshore · October 2008

jamainiac wrote:

December 27th will mark the 2nd anniversary of my Dad's passing. I still miss him just as much as I did the day he died... but I miss him in a very different way. Instead of feeling heavy and lonesome in my heart when I think of him, I feel a wonderful warmth.

Instead of reminding myself that I'll never see him with my eyes open again... I feel the calm of carrying him in my heart... and know I can see him anytime... by closing my eyes and I take the opportunity often!!

There is no particular process for doing this... and I know that it can feel like it will never get easier... but it will. One day you'll wake up and his loss won't be the first thing you feel... that will be the beginning of this 'moving on' and you will do it when you are ready...

This is great advice!

Sorry for your failedpersephoneailed :(

Black Diamond · October 2008

You don't and don't let anybody tell you it is required. Why should we forget. That is what keeps them alive. Through someone's memories.

My dad died when I was 15 (27 years ago) and I think of him often and even more so today because I have 3 kids and it is such a shame that they can't meet him or that he couldn't enjoy their wonderful personalities.

But I am doing something to make his memory a better one. Quitting the thing that killed him, so that my kids are not here at some point writing about me this way.

Deal with it in your own way. There are no two ways of dealing with a loss of a parent. Yours is the best way for you.

musicismylife78 · October 2008

your really dont get over it. you just learn to deal with it

CHANGEinWAVES · October 2008

Rhinocerous Surprise wrote:

"When youre caught in pain
And you feel the rain come down
Its all right
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
Its all right
Though your gardens grey
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In the sweet sunshower"

One of my favorite songs!!!

I have not lost a family member of my own but I have been thru the loss of my father in law (not the same I know) but thru that and watching my husband NOT deal with it and stuff it...I can say that u should take ALL the time you need, don't let others tell you when ur heart should be moving on...only you'll know when it's time. As others have said, there will come a time when the memories overshadow the loss and you will be able to laugh or smile when thinking of him not feel such overwhelming sorrow as you do now. I wish you all the best in this long healing process (because that's all that can happen, you can heal but never truly forget the loss). Just remember not to push him away from your thoughts, let the memory of him be a comfort to you. My husband denied the pain and didn't allow himself any time to heal...this ate away at him for years and was one of the things that changed who he was. Just take your time and feel what you feel...one day what you feel will be a little better then the day before.
And remember we're all here for you!:)

failedpersephone · October 2008

Thanks for all of your posts - I have actually been listening to that song, because it is such a clearly stated song about loss. My father was my hero, and it really just hurts so much to think of life without him.

the funny thing is, I can hear him talkin' trash to me for crying like a wimp over this.

Thanks to everyone for their answers...I know it takes time - it's been about 6 weeks, and it still feels fresh.

I used to see him everyday, he would come over to my house to take care of stuff (since he had retired, he hadn't stopped working) every morning I would make coffee for him, and we would talk before I left for work...it seems that everywhere I look my Dad has left his mark and i am terrified that i am going to wash it off or something.

like he doesn't have very much in terms of lasting monuments - it seems really stupid, I know that - but I cant even change any of the plants around because my dad left them like that...

I wish I could handle this better...I feel like I am a huge disappointment to him...crying like a freakin' baby over this - he raised me to be tougher than this.

My other family members are not talking to me because I sort of exploded (anger issues, I guess) when during the wake at least half of the people there were talking about how "well, he is in a better place now" and "he's joined his wife now" It sounded like such a resigned "oh WELL" kind of statement.

CHANGEinWAVES · October 2008

failedpersephone wrote:

it's been about 6 weeks, and it still feels fresh.

I would think 6 weeks IS still fresh...I know if it was me I'd barely be able to get out of bed if my dad passed 6 weeks ago. Take your time, you can't rush the healing and you can't base how you will heal on how long it's taken others in your family. Again we are here for you...any time:)

Trailer · October 2008

I'm very sorry to hear that fp:( I know from previous posts you made that you were very close and loved and admired him so much. As time goes on it will go from sadness to fond and happy memories... but it will take time, so bear through it!

pretext · October 2008

I don't really know how anyone gets over the loss of a loved one. My grandmother died almost seven years ago, and it still destroys me when I think about how I'll never see her again. That can't be right, right? For the sake of functioning, I guess my mind just doesn't allow me to go there. The mind is more powerful than we know. As for how I feel, the intensity is the same.

That's probably not helpful, but then, I also believe everyone's process is there own. Give yourself the time to experience whatever may come up. That's all I've got.

justam · October 2008

failedpersephone wrote:

I am curious, if you have had a death in the family, how do you "move on" ??

I keep getting told that I need to move on, and (the worse thing anyone can ever say) that he lived a "full life" but, that doesn't help. I know it is selfish to feel like this but my father was a very important part of my life. I feel selfish, like its all about me - but I can't really help the way I feel.

life is just less good, now. can't even try to care anymore...it seems strange that some one who was so full of life and just such a great force of life could be extinguished in such a mundane slowly leaking way.

sorry - I hope this isn't a "downer" and normally I do not come here and "vent" but I just don't understand how the mendacity doesn't just deal you all out.

how to move on...that is the question.

When my grandparents both died (within a few days of each other) I was heart-broken. It really turned my whole world upside down because they were the best and most loving part of my family.

They appeared in my dreams for a long time. After the first year, they started appearing less frequently, and after two or three years, I didn't feel quite so unsettled. It mostly just took time, but when I think of them now, I still miss them.

Sorry to say the same old thing you've probably already heard about time.

drivingrl · October 2008

failedpersephone wrote:

Thanks for all of your posts - I have actually been listening to that song, because it is such a clearly stated song about loss. My father was my hero, and it really just hurts so much to think of life without him.

the funny thing is, I can hear him talkin' trash to me for crying like a wimp over this.

Thanks to everyone for their answers...I know it takes time - it's been about 6 weeks, and it still feels fresh.

I used to see him everyday, he would come over to my house to take care of stuff (since he had retired, he hadn't stopped working) every morning I would make coffee for him, and we would talk before I left for work...it seems that everywhere I look my Dad has left his mark and i am terrified that i am going to wash it off or something.

like he doesn't have very much in terms of lasting monuments - it seems really stupid, I know that - but I cant even change any of the plants around because my dad left them like that...

I wish I could handle this better...I feel like I am a huge disappointment to him...crying like a freakin' baby over this - he raised me to be tougher than this.

My other family members are not talking to me because I sort of exploded (anger issues, I guess) when during the wake at least half of the people there were talking about how "well, he is in a better place now" and "he's joined his wife now" It sounded like such a resigned "oh WELL" kind of statement.

The first thing I tell anyone who has lost someone is that you have to do what you have to do to feel better. Especially initially. If you have to cry, do it. No one can tell you how to grieve.

My dad died eight years ago. I think about him most days - holidays and special events are a little hard - but when I do think of him I think of the good things. And I think about what he would say when I spend money on stuff I don't need. :rolleyes:

You've gotta let yourself deal with it in the way you know how. Your family can't do that, and you can't let them rob you of the grieving process.

But don't worry, it will be better soon.

norm · October 2008

i'm so sorry to hear about your dad.....the only close family member to die was my grandma a few years ago....but in that case she was 93 and had been in failing health for a while so the end wasn't a shock and i had already come to terms with it....however, a parent is different....i've been watching my mother undergo chemo for the last 4 years and always in the back of my mind is "when will the chemo stop working?"....and then i think about life after she's gone.....and frankly i can't imagine it nor do i want to....i'm very close to both my parents but more so to my mom and i'm not sure how i'll get through it.....but i will and so will you....but it will just take time....some people can deal with loss better than others....however long it takes you is how long it takes....don't fight it and ignore people who tell you otherwise....there are no set rules on grieving

failedpersephone · October 2008

maybe part of my problem is that I keep trying to keep something of him around. He used to talk to himself a little when he was working in the garden because he used to say he saw my mother out there - and I don't know, i really just wish that I can have something similar to that with him. I want to be able to see him holding his coffee cup (that I made for him when I was in high school) and looking out towards the backyard...I want to hear the rumble of his truck pull up my driveway...I just don't want the empty feeling when I think of him.

I feel like I am disconnected to what I used to feel instinctively. I feel too connected to "real time" and I am unable to think in terms of life cycles, and continuity of spirits and all of the stuff that I firmly believe in...

justam · October 2008

You're probably still in shock. Give yourself a chance to adjust.

iamica · October 2008

failedpersephone wrote:

I wish I could handle this better...I feel like I am a huge disappointment to him...crying like a freakin' baby over this - he raised me to be tougher than this.

Nothing is wrong with crying. It doesn't make you weak or a baby. It's a natural, healthy part of grieving. You lost someone you loved. It's normal to cry. And if you don't cry and you stuff it all down, it's going to cause you problems down the road, trust me.
There's no set road to grief, or one way to get through it. Everyone does it at their own pace, in different stages. Sometimes you go through a stage more than once. If it's been only 6 weeks and people are telling you to "get over it and move on", I think that's very callous of those people. You lost a parent, and you need to take all the time you need to work through the grief. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for grieving.
I lost one of my best friends 6 1/2 years ago, and it took 5 years before I could think about her without feeling rage (not at her, at life), deep sadness and regret. It's hard, but it does eventually get better.
I found a book that helped me: "How To Survive The Loss Of A Love" by Melba Colgrove. I'd recommend it.

haffajappa · October 2008

you don't.

and i don't think we should feel bad for it.

How do you get over a death in the family?

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